Recently I spoke at Grace Community Church and posted about 5 words to shape your parenting.   Since then I have been asked several times for more specifics about parenting.  There was a special interest in the subject of spanking; whether it was appropriate or not and whether I believe in it or not.  While I believe discipline is a personal topic for parents to decide where they land, I do believe there are some principles that are helpful for all parents to follow.  I am probably less inclined in this area to talk about what I did and more inclined to talk about the principles I believe are even more helpful.

I have written my basic overall plan for parenting in an earlier post.  You can read it HERE.  Since I believe the most important thing is that you have a plan for your parenting and where you are taking your children, here are 10 principles I believe can help the discipline part of your plan.

1. Goal set first.  Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”  You should understand the reason behind discipline.  You are taking your children somewhere they need to go.
2. You should never discipline in anger. You will say things you do not mean and do things you should not do. Discipline done is anger is rarely productive and usually harmful long-term.
3. At the time of need for discipline, remember this 3-step process: Stop/Think/Proceed.  The older your child gets the longer you can and may need to take with each step.
4. Be consistent in your discipline plan.  It will mean nothing to the child otherwise.
5. Pre-think principles, but do not try to pre-plan specifics.  You should have some   value-centered, character-based goals you want discipline to promote in your child.  You should avoid declaring what you will do when your child does something specific.  Don’t ever say, for example, my child will never wear his hair long.  You may regret those words someday.
6. Differentiate discipline for each child. To spank or not to spank should not be as big a deal as what works best for the child. (For more on this see tomorrow’s post.)
7. Do not make threats with which you are unwilling to follow through.  Your children will catch on to that real quick.
8. Use age appropriate and action appropriate discipline.  As a child matures the discipline should mature with them.  At the same time, do not overkill a minor incident or ignore a major occurrence.
9. Always discipline the child for results.  Discipline in its concept is not necessarily pleasant, but it reaps a reward if done right.  Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
10. Discipline should never teach a child he or she is unloved. Actually, if done right, it should reinforce the love a parent has for the child.  (Hebrews 12:7-10)

If you have something to add about discipline or any specific questions, feel free to comment or send me an email.

Friends are friends forever…if the Lords the lord of them…

That is the song that comes to mind when I think of Nate and his friend Taylor.

Long before Grace Community Church, Taylor’s parents were friends of ours.  They were core members of our church plant and helped launch our small group ministry.  Nate and Taylor have both played significant roles in various ministries in our church.  They are both leaving for college this Summer and will be greatly missed, not only personally, but for their contribution to the church as volunteers.  Thankfully Nate plans to attend Moody and Taylor plans to attend Wheaton, so they will be less than an hour from each other. I hope their friendship lasts a lifetime.

Taylor’s parents were intentional with us in encouraging the boys’ friendship.  In fact, part of the motivation for our friendship was so the boys could be friends.  We began early in their life trying to get them together as much as possible.  It’s easy when children are young to control their friendships.  It becomes much harder when they get older to make sure they make wise choices in choosing friends.  When we launched our church they were two of the original youth group together.  Their friendship blossomed.  It has been such a blessing to both of them through their high school years to each have a friend to hold the other accountable.

My advice to parents is to surround your children with kids they can be encouraged by later in life.  Pick your children’s friends, while you can, based on their parents.  (I wrote a similar post about this type of parenting HERE.)  Look for people who share your values, share your discipline philosophy, and are heading their children in the same direction you want your children to go.  Then get your children around those children as much as you can.  Hopefully you will instill in your children the skills of picking the right kinds of friends wisely that will carry over into other periods of their life.

Thank you Taylor for being a great friend to Nate!  I love you and I am going to miss you almost as much as I will him.   I just won’t be sending you money. (Sorry.)

Have you ever tried to pick your children’s friends?  Do you wish you could now?

This reality about parenting came to me recently.  I’ve observed it for years, but I am just now formulating my thoughts around the concept.  The reality for most of us is that we tend to try to control less when our children are younger and more when they are older.  It should be the opposite.

When our children are toddlers we tend to dismiss the control issue.  Sadly this appears to be epidemic in today’s generation of parenting.  I hear parents often saying things like, “I can’t get them to take a nap” or “They won’t obey me”.  I see this at church when parents won’t leave their toddlers in the preschool area because “they just don’t like it.”  The fact is that you can make a toddler comply if you really want them to.  You are stronger, bigger, scarier, and smarter than they are.  You may not feel that you are, but you are.  The time to control your children the way they need to go is when they are young.

Something happens when a child enters their late elementary and middle school years.  Our children naturally begin to resist authority and so what do we do?  We attempt to control them even more.  The problem is they have more freedom in their schedules.  They are stronger, bigger, scarier and smarter than they were as toddlers.  They can even pretend to comply and yet do their own thing when parents are nowhere around.

The biggest problem with trying to control our children into their teenage years is that if we don’t protect our relationship with them, when they can they will completely rebel against our authority.  Have you ever known that to be true of a high school or college student?

Almost as a side note, but equally important: If you don’t do anything else in your time with your children, help them to know you love them unconditionally.  You don’t accomplish this by giving into their every wish  when they are young, but by lovingly guiding them in the right direction through discipline and correction when they are very young.  When your children are older, when they need your wisdom perhaps even more, they will continue to seek your input into their life if that love relationship has been developed.  The time to have ultimate control of their behavior is when they are young.

My encouragement, especially to the parents of younger children, is to instill the values you have for your children when they are very young, while you still have control, then move to less control and more protection of their hearts through their teenage years.  If you have trained them well and they know you love them, then they will continue to honor your influence over them later in life.

For more parenting tips, check out the parenting category of this blog.

If I had to give one piece of advice to parents, especially dads, it would be that you live an honest life in front of your children.  I have witnessed too many parents, dads especially, who try to impress their children with their skills or their strength.  They try to convince their children they are never afraid or have all the answers.  They hide past mistakes and present themselves as having figured out life’s struggles. 

The problem with that is obvious.  First, children are smarter than that and they recognize the lie being portrayed in front of them. Second, they miss the opportunity to learn from the struggles of their parents.  Third, they are prone to repeat this pattern with their children.

Children need and are seeking authentic parenting.  Live honestly in front of your kids!  Give them something to aim for, live a life in front of them worth aspiring to someday, but don’t be afraid to let them see you aren’t perfect and don’t hide from them your past.