My boy’s can “fondly” remember the time we drove from our driveway heading to an undisclosed location on vacation.  I decided in advance not to tell them where we were going, but to let it be a surprise.  We were actually heading to St. Louis, but to complicate the situation, I decided to drive all side roads.  We went through what seemed to be every back road between our house and the hotel.  What should have been a four and half hour trip ended up being an eight-hour trip.  The boys complained frequently, which I expected, but when the trip was over, they realized we had experienced a great time just being together.

Why did I put my boys through such misery?  Am I a bad dad?  Well, the jury may still be out on that answer, but my logic was simple.  I wanted us to enjoy the day together as a family and I knew if I told them in advance what I planned for us to do and how we would do it, there would have been no cooperation on their part.  As it turned out, we had a great trip, saw things we wouldn’t have seen on the main roads, and enjoyed the time together. In addition, it gave us a lasting memory and joke of a time when they were “miserable”.

How many times as parents do we wish our children would just go along with the plan? Are there days we simply wish they would cooperate, because we know in advance that if they will, everything will be so much better? Do we want our children to cooperate with others, maybe even others with whom they do not agree on every issue?

We are each born with natural tendencies towards selfishness and independence, but families work better when everyone gets along and cooperates.  Teaching your children to cooperate should begin at an early age, as they first begin to play with other children. Once a child reaches elementary school there is a certain expectation, that he or she knows how to cooperate with other children.  Learning to cooperate with others, however, is something in which each of us continues to mature throughout our life.

If you are struggling with instilling the value of cooperation in your children, here are some suggestions:

Do not make your children think they are the center of the world.  Sometimes we mistakenly give our children everything they want, refuse to see their faults, and never allow them to fail.  The danger is that when they become adults they expect equal treatment from the world.  How is that working for you as an adult?

Model cooperation with others. Let your children see you getting along with other people, including people different from you.   If you are constantly complaining or arguing with your spouse or other family or friends, your children will be more inclined not to cooperate with you or others and they will have learned it from you.  Do you need to reconsider how you talk to people around you?

Do not provoke your children.  Ephesians 6:4 is our encouragement here, where it says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children”.  I was probably pushing that limit with the illustration above, but I kept it light-hearted and I knew my limits.  Don’t make your expectations for them be so high they can’t live up to them.  Remember they are children you are teaching how to be mature adults.  Are you placing too high of expectations on your children for their age?

Be a giver. Let your children see and participate in opportunities to give to others.  Find ways they can observe you being generous with others and look for family activities where they can help you bless other people.  What’s is a way you could lead your family in a project to give back to others?

Live life with other people. One of the benefits of being in a healthy church or playing on a local sports team is your children get to be around other people and are often forced to figure out how to get along with each other. Find ways to allow your children to experience different cultures. How have you exposed your children to people different from them?

(I originally wrote this as an article for Clarksville Family Magazine.)

What ways have you taught your children to cooperate?

I debated posting this and then I asked for feedback and was overwhelmingly encouraged that this was a legitimate post. This morning Cheryl was the first to tell me that our youngest son , now a student at Moody Bible College in Chicago, had written a new blog post…and the subject was me. (The picture with this post is of him speaking recently at our student service.) She gave me time to read it and then came with heavy tears to get my reaction. She said, “This is what you’ve been living for…”

She was referring to a comment I have made many times as a father. I have stated that the pinnacle of success for me would be to one day receive one of those sappy, mushy plaques that talks about what a great dad I am…from children that really mean the words. I guess in this modern age of social media, today I received my first plaque.

Here’s an excerpt of Nate’s post:

Through my time the past month in God’s word I’ve come to have a much deeper appreciation for my dad. So many things I’m learning about God and His heart I remember watching my dad either experience or try to teach me, and I can’t explain how much that strengthens my faith. As I continue internalizing faith for myself I become so much more thankful for a dad who was willing to be open about his faith with his kids. (And just for the record, my dad doesn’t know I’m writing this. This week I’ve just been so overwhelmed by encountering Biblical truth I’ve seen modeled in him that I feel burdened to share.)

I want to list just a few things I can remember my dad doing with me that I think ultimately helped shape my faith. I don’t really know what readership I have here at Moons From Burma, or if I have any at all, but if you’re a parent or want to be a parent someday and desire that your kids love Jesus more than anything else, I think you should apply some of these to your parenting.

To read the remainder of his post and his points, click HERE.

For the record, I have two awesome sons, both that are respectful of me and genuine friends, but one blogs and the other one doesn’t (yet). The older did send me a very appreciative email recently that I may share (with his permission) in a future post. I love my boys.

Just curious. Is it okay for me to brag on my boys, as long as I realize without God in my life and theirs, we would be nothing?

But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years. Luke 1:7 NIV

How would you like to be known as “barren Elizabeth”? It was considered almost a curse in Bible days to not have children. It was assumed there was something in a person’s life in which God was not pleased. Zechariah and Elizabeth were good, Godly people, yet they had no children and they were past the normal age of childbirth.

In our ministry, Cheryl and I have many opportunities to hold babies. It is always, however, somewhat bittersweet. As wonderful as it is to rejoice with one couple, someone is always in mourning, because either they recently lost a child, or they have been unable to have one. We have learned it is a miserable pain.

I can’t pretend that I know how that feels, because I don’t, but having a minister’s heart, I can tell you that I do understand that it is a very real heartache to be childless and want a child. Holidays and the celebrations of birth of other children only remind the childless that a part of their heart is empty. When thousands of children starve to death around the world, it seems a tragedy that many couples have a remaining prayer request to be granted a child.

I suspect Zechariah and Elizabeth could identify with such couples. Their broken hearts were a reminder to them of their desire to be parents. Some of you reading this can understand the pain of those who remain childless, and desire to parent. Remember them this Christmas season. Share God’s love with them. Pray for them. Be sensitive around them. Be Jesus to them.

Someone in our community group reminded me recently of a parenting phenomenon that I experienced firsthand.  Perhaps you did also. My friend is living through her first “terrible threes”.   She has a three year old trying her patience.  As with so many others (most it seems), it’s not the “terrible twos” that is a problem…it’s the “terrible threes”.

It goes something like this:  One day your precious angel; the one everyone thinks is so cute, who was hardly ever a problem before, suddenly becomes a holy terror at times.   You have never dealt with such temper tantrums, back-talking sassiness, and outbursts of anger.  You may have entered the terrible threes.

Children cycle through many phases and it shouldn’t be too surprising if they go through a rebellious stage early in life.   The terrible threes, or twos, as the case may be, most likely is the time when the child most openly expresses his or her independence.  The more independent the child, the more difficult this time can be.

He or she is exploring a new world, testing boundaries, discovering their own personality, and filtering through reactions of others.  As with other phases the child will experience, this one is difficult for the child as well as the parent, but in this phase the child is the least mature and their reaction is likewise.

Here is my advice for surviving the terrible threes:

Suffer through it! Most likely, it will not last long,, perhaps not even a whole year, and there is hope on the other side.

Be consistent - This is not the time to give in to the child’s outbursts. This is the time to consistently follow through with prescribed discipline.

Keep loving -  As much as your child tries your patience, continue to always exhibit love to your child, even during discipline.

Experiment – Use different discipline methods until you find one that works for this stage of the child’s life.

Remember you are the adult – Sometimes when the child is showing his or her worse side it is tempting to show yours.  Keep your cool. Be mature.  Handle these days firmly, but calmly.  Remember you are modeling behavior for your child.

Teach your child – This phase can be a great opportunity to teach your child how to respond to disappointment and frustration.

Don’t be afraid to share your situation with others. Often parents are embarrassed because of their children’s behavior during this stage of life so they hide the struggle; not realizing that so many other parents experience the same with their children.  The biggest surprise at this stage of your child’s life may be when you discover you are not unique in this struggle.

By the way, these work in most other phases of a child’s life also.

For more help with parenting issues, see these POSTS.  I would especially recommend my parenting model.  Read it HERE. :

What’s your story?  If you are a parent, did you experience more of the terrible twos or the terrible threes?

As I work on other things this Labor Day, I thought I would share one of our new family pictures.  Thanks to Piper Bell in our church for taking these before Nate left for Moody.

On a personal note, because so many have asked, last Thursday night was a weird night for Cheryl and me.  We finished dinner and the dishes by 6:30, no boys were in the house.  Nate is in Chicago and Jeremy was with friends, and we looked at each other and for the first time really felt like empty-nesters.  It’s a new season for us.  It wasn’t a bad feeling, but different.

Yesterday at church we did the song “You’re Gonna Miss This“.  I understand that song a lot better these days.

Anyone else know the feeling?

It has been a couple weeks since I dropped our youngest son Nate off at college.  He is attending Moody Bible Institute in Chicago.  Our oldest son is a senior at Austin Peay State University and is living at home to save money this year.  Nate is our first to change cities of residence and he is 8 hours from home.  In the process of him leaving I have learned a few things:

1. It was much harder than I thought letting go. My counseling background tells me I began a mini-depression about a month before he left and I’m just now beginning to see light again.
2. I prepared my boy, but not my emotions.  I am a fairly unemotional person.  Not the day I said “Goodbye” or the week following.  I was an emotional wreck. Thankfully, Nate is very mature and is going to do great with his independence.
3. It will never be the same, but it can be better…at least in some ways.  I miss seeing Nate terribly, but our talks are even more open and honest than when he was here.
4. I can’t wait for his calls/texts/emails.  There is a charge in my spirit when I look down at my phone and see that it is Nate.
5. It is a new phase of life for Cheryl and me.  Our parenting is not over, but our role is changing. We are beginning to make some new dreams, just for the two of us.

I posted more about this process in my letter to Nate.  You can read that post HERE.  For some things I have learned in parenting, see this CATEGORY.

Parents, tell me about your experience letting your children go.

Most Christian parents want to encourage their children to mature spiritually, but they do not know how.  I am not an expert at this and I am still learning, but my boys are incredible men of God and they sincerely seek after Christ into their young adult years.

Here are some thoughts for producing children who desire to grow spiritually:

Look at your plank first
How is your own your spiritual life? Are you growing in your knowledge and love of God outside of Sunday morning?  You cannot lead your family somewhere you have not been or are not going.

Have a plan
If you do not know where you want to go you probably will not get there.  I wanted my boys to be men of God. I started at the age of about 8 teaching them what that means.  At the age of 12 we began a year of discovery and at age 13 we celebrated entry into the beginning stages of manhood.  We have continued to fine tune that plan each year.

Find out what works for your children and for the family
You are only going to stick with things you really want to do and that work.  Your children are unique and each requires different environments to learn.  You may be strong enough to make your children sit still for a 30 minute family devotion time, but ask yourself is it effective or does it simply make you feel better.  The key is that your family is moving in the right direction spiritually, not that you follow someone else’s script.

Look for teaching moments
Be available to your children on their time. They do not know how the game of life works and they will need your input.  The problem is they will want you one minute and not the next. For Jeremy the best teaching moments were while kicking a soccer ball. For Nathaniel it was throwing a baseball.

Do not force it
Sometimes parents (maybe especially pastors) are so afraid of our own image, of what people may think if children do or say something wrong, that we put undue pressure on them. Do not be afraid for your children to question their faith. I see too many parents that go into panic mode when their children naturally question spiritual things. If you are normal then you have days when your faith is not quite as strong. Do not expect more from your children.

Minister together
I take my boys along for ministry meetings whenever I can.  We have participated in family mission trips.  I evaluate Sundays with my boys.  They feel a part of my ministry.

Keep your family emotionally healthy
How healthy are you emotionally? How healthy is your spouse and your children?  Recognize the signs of burnout and stress on your family and address problems early.

Build relationships first and spiritual maturity second
Build the kind of relationship with your children that will help them want more of what you value. Jesus did that with the disciples.  Your children are more likely to want to know the Christ you love if they learn first to love you.

What tips do you have for building spiritual maturity into your home?

Recently I spoke on parenting at Grace Community Church. This was a tough message because I addressed some problems I see with much of today’s parenting, but it is a message I feel needed to be given.  You can watch 10 minutes of it here and you can login to watch the rest.  If you would prefer to listen to this message in its entirety click HERE.

To spank or not to spank…that’s probably one of the most frequent debates I have heard about parenting, but something seldom talked about from those who teach on parenting.  I suppose I should not be surprised when I am addressed with this question often since I frequently teach on issues such as parenting, marriage and the family.  Recently when I spoke on 5 Words to Shape Your Parenting, I received several questions again about this subject.  Yesterday I began this subject of discipline. Read that post HERE.

Here are a few of my thoughts about the issue:

• This is a personal issue and one I do not feel comfortable solving for parents.  A parent can and will only enforce consistently those discipline strategies he or she agrees with personally.
• This is an important question, but not at all the most important question about parenting.  The bigger issue is having an overall plan for parenting.  I know too many parents trying to solve this question, but they have never fully thought through a strategy for where they are leading their children and how they are going to get them there.
• The goal of parenting is far more important than the methods used in parenting.  In our parenting we tried many different methods; some worked and some didn’t.  The key was that we were intentionally thinking through the goal and working towards realizing that goal in our boy’s lives.
• Each child is different.  We saw more positives in corporal punishment with one of our children than the other.
• You should never spank, or do any discipline, in anger.
• The child should never be able to question your love after the moment of discipline has passed.
• I did spank, but I hated every moment of it.  At a certain age it was the best method for one of our boys to discipline him through a strong-willed period. The cliché “this hurts me more than you” was really true for me.
• The Bible verse that is often questioned is Proverbs 13:24, which says, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”  I believe this verse can easily be interpreted as referring to spanking, based on the way the Bible uses the imagery of the rod and staff of a shepherd.  The shepherd’s methods to train the sheep were always for the sheep’s best interest, but would not have always been considered gentle discipline.  The verse is a principle, however, and I think it refers more to the principle of effective parenting than it gives us a mandate to spank.
• The mother and the father should agree on the form of discipline.  If they do not, they should perhaps get help to come to a sense of agreement.  Mothers and fathers should recognize that each plays a unique role in the process and one handles discipline differently than the other.  I was much sterner on my boys that Cheryl was and she was much more of a nurturer than I was, but both were necessary.

For me the end goal of my discipline was clearly spelled out in the Bible: Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”  What parent would not want to see the principle of that verse come true in their life some day?   Good parenting should do what works best to accomplish the goal of parenting.

What are your thoughts on this issue?

Recently I spoke at Grace Community Church and posted about 5 words to shape your parenting.   Since then I have been asked several times for more specifics about parenting.  There was a special interest in the subject of spanking; whether it was appropriate or not and whether I believe in it or not.  While I believe discipline is a personal topic for parents to decide where they land, I do believe there are some principles that are helpful for all parents to follow.  I am probably less inclined in this area to talk about what I did and more inclined to talk about the principles I believe are even more helpful.

I have written my basic overall plan for parenting in an earlier post.  You can read it HERE.  Since I believe the most important thing is that you have a plan for your parenting and where you are taking your children, here are 10 principles I believe can help the discipline part of your plan.

1. Goal set first.  Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”  You should understand the reason behind discipline.  You are taking your children somewhere they need to go.
2. You should never discipline in anger. You will say things you do not mean and do things you should not do. Discipline done is anger is rarely productive and usually harmful long-term.
3. At the time of need for discipline, remember this 3-step process: Stop/Think/Proceed.  The older your child gets the longer you can and may need to take with each step.
4. Be consistent in your discipline plan.  It will mean nothing to the child otherwise.
5. Pre-think principles, but do not try to pre-plan specifics.  You should have some   value-centered, character-based goals you want discipline to promote in your child.  You should avoid declaring what you will do when your child does something specific.  Don’t ever say, for example, my child will never wear his hair long.  You may regret those words someday.
6. Differentiate discipline for each child. To spank or not to spank should not be as big a deal as what works best for the child. (For more on this see tomorrow’s post.)
7. Do not make threats with which you are unwilling to follow through.  Your children will catch on to that real quick.
8. Use age appropriate and action appropriate discipline.  As a child matures the discipline should mature with them.  At the same time, do not overkill a minor incident or ignore a major occurrence.
9. Always discipline the child for results.  Discipline in its concept is not necessarily pleasant, but it reaps a reward if done right.  Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
10. Discipline should never teach a child he or she is unloved. Actually, if done right, it should reinforce the love a parent has for the child.  (Hebrews 12:7-10)

If you have something to add about discipline or any specific questions, feel free to comment or send me an email.