I am asked dozens of questions about what we did or didn’t do as parents. I am amazed that God has allowed us to raise the two young men we have in our house, but there were a few principles we practiced consistently.

Here are three principles for parenting I think all parents should consider:

Be intentional – Parenting is hard work. Don’t try it without a plan. It’s amazing how we tend to plan for everything in life, but seldom for our parenting. I know men who have a plan to improve their golf game, but nothing to help them grow as a father. If you want to be a great parent, you must be intentional about that role. Have an overall plan for your parenting and an individual plan for each child, depending on their needs at the time.

Shape the heart – The Bible is clear that we should “Above all else guard the heart for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23) I believe in firm discipline. I also believe in extending much grace. More than anything, however, the parent should learn to know, protect and shape their heart of their child. It is that heart, which will determine the decisions and directions the child eventually makes in life.

Enjoy the ride – Children are children for a very short time. Enjoy those days. Be a fun parent, balancing love with discipline. Laughing together with your children will help relieve the stress of your life and keep them wanting to be close to you well into the difficult teen and early adult years.

For my complete parenting philosophy see THIS POST or read other parenting posts HERE.

Which of these do you most need to improve upon as a parent?

(Speaking of principles, be sure to read my disclaimer post about them from yesterday by clicking HERE.)

This is a precious picture from our time in Sierra Leone. I recently returned from teaching pastors in the country and I’m forever changed. You can read a post about the children HERE.

The children wanted to touch us, hold our hands, crawl in our laps, and share love with us. This picture helps share that story.

What caption would you give this picture? Comment on this post with your caption and I’ll pick one of them and send the book The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family by Patrick Lencioni. (This is a great book to help frantic families restore sanity to the most important organization in their life!)

Again, all you have to do is comment a caption for this picture.  I’ll pick the one I think best captures this image. You have until Tuesday, July 27, 2010 to answer.

(Please understand this winner will simply be based on opinion.)

Also, will you say a prayer for the children of Sierra Leone?

Throughout our time in Sierra Leone children swarmed us everywhere we went, especially Daniel and Jesse, the youngest two on the trip. Their energy and enthusiasm with the children was highly contagious. They became almost like celebrities in every village.

At one point Jessie admitted she felt guilty for attracting such a crowd. She didn’t want people to think she was seeking personal attention or fame. Daniel agreed with the sentiment.

That’s when the thought occurred to me. Popularity, wealth and power are not all bad. Being “famous” is not necessarily something to be avoided. It may depend on how and for what purpose it is being used.

What occurred to me is that Daniel and Jessie were attracting crowds of children, entertaining them with games and songs, and then leaving them to go to the next village. What they left behind, however, was their influence. Those children in remote villages in West Africa will never forget the love and attention they were shown by these two young adults. They will be running through the streets of their village singing “Jesus Loves Me” because of the experience they had with Daniel and Jessie. They will do push ups, because Daniel taught them how and they will recite cheers Jessie recited and they will laugh and dance…all because two people used their influence in positive ways.

Don’t shy away from the influence God has given you. If it is being used for His glory, rather than for your own, it can be very positive. If your motive and heart is pure, and the glory is pointed towards God, be thankful for the opportunities he gives you.

How are you allowing God to use the influence He has given you?

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 19:14)

I understand the heart of Jesus for children even more from my time in Sierra Leone.

The innocence of children was evident to us in every village we visited. The children would run to us, swarm around us, and follow our every move. They were sponges for the love of God. They were filled with joy and excitement…always seeming to anticipate more.

I was reminded that children are the future of this great country in Africa. The children of Sierra Leone may not remember the war, which devastated their country or the lasting effects it had on this nation. I hope they know the history and never forget the pain and destruction of war, but I hope they see a brighter future and set a new way for this nation.

God bless the children of Sierra Leone.

It also encouraged me as a pastor to continue to invest in our own children at Grace Community Church. I’m thankful for the incredible team God has assembled at Grace who lead our children’s ministry. Under the direction of Katrina Watts and Adam Bayne, our children get to experience worship and teaching with excellence every week. I want to continue to push for adequate funding and resources for these important ministries of our church. They are our future.

God bless the children of Grace Community Church.

Do you work in children’s ministry at your church? If so, please accept my thank you. Have your children been blessed by others who work with them at church? Consider thanking them today.

In case you missed it, I’m in Africa this week on a mission trip. I’m sharing some of the top posts I have written, according to the activity they have received.

Here are the top posts on parenting:

Teaching Children Honesty
Teaching Children Cooperation
Having the Sex Talk with Children
7 Tips for Surviving the Terrible Threes
Building a Lasting Connection with Children
Building Spiritual Maturity in Your Home
10 Principles for Effective Discipline
Parenting by Grace: A Model
10 Easy Steps to Spoil a Child
7 Things I Should Have Taught My Sons

What is your greatest current leadership challenge?

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 NIV

Fathers are not usually seen as the nurturing ones in a family. When my boy’s get sick, they don’t want me, they want Cheryl. The Bible, however, tends to also place the father in a nurturing position. We are told not to “exasperate” our children, which means not to wear them out with correction, but to “bring them up”. That phrase literally means that we spend time with them on a regular basis and encourage them in the development of their character.  That sounds like nurturing to me.

The Bible tends to lay responsibility on the father to help set the tone or the climate of the home. A father, who is consistently harsh or is never satisfied with his children, will tend to produce children who lack the confidence to face tough situations in life. On the other hand, a father too quiet and passive to be intimately involved in the lives of children will likely lead to adults who cannot connect well with others, either in the workplace or in their own marriages and homes.

Fathers are often one of the best determinates of a child’s future success in life. If a boy never feels he meets his father’s approval, he may become either an underachiever or an overachiever, but he will likely never feel that he “measures up” in life. A girl whose father fails to affirm her will often seek that approval from another man, often in seeking inappropriate or less than ideal relationships. She may enter marriage unrealistically expecting something from a husband that he may or may not be able to give.   I haven’t even mentioned the effects of an absentee or abusive father.

The biggest impact in the life of a child whose father never nurtures is that they often have a harder time realizing the nurturing aspect found in a loving relationship with a Heavenly Father. Without the model from an earthly father, they see God more in the role of Judge than of “Abba”; which is the Hebrew term for our modern “Daddy”.

I’m thankful for the grace and mercy of God that allows so many second chances for fathers who have missed the mark, but if we desire to be Godly fathers, we will strive to nurture our children in love.

For more thoughts on parenting, click HERE.

Happy Father’s Day!

What changes do you need to make this year to be a more nurturing dad?

Our children have become media junkies. The Kaiser Family Foundation recently released a study of children ages 8 to 18, which found, not surprisingly, that they are consuming a astounding amount of media entertainment each day. Children now consume an average of 7 ½ hours per day or 52 ½ hours per week of media saturation.

Consider the average daily media consumption of U.S. children according to the study:

• Listening to music: 151 minutes
• Watching television: 270 minutes
• Playing video games: 73 minutes
• Talking on cell phones: 33 minutes
• Text messaging: 90 minutes
• Nonschool computer use: 89 minutes

Do you find these numbers surprising?
Do they alarm you?
If the numbers are what they are, how does this impact the way we attempt to reach this generation with the Gospel?

Your thoughts? Do we run from this part of culture, ignore it or embrace it?

Source: ON MISSION magazine Summer 2010, from Kaiser Family Foundation, February 1, 2010.

I said at the beginning of this message on parenting, delivered at Grace Community Church, that I could not answer the entire “how to” questions about parenting.  My desire was to offer a paradigm of principles for effective parenting.  I really do believe if you follow these principles you will truly live out the Biblical principle of “Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it.”  (Proverbs 22:6)

The four principles are:

Be there

Be intentional

Be relational

Be consistent

I also shared this diagram.  To understand the diagram and apply the principles, you’ll have to listen to the message.

For the audio version, go HERE

When our boys were in middle school, we did not allow them to roam the mall on their own without an adult in the building.  I know, call us bad parents, but we believed their safety was more important than their coolness with other children.

Once when our school system was closed because of snow, one of our boys spent the night with another boy his age.  He told us they were going to a gym and would be home afterwards, but before he returned home, we received a call from another friend that had seen him at the mall.  He was BUSTED!  What was worse for him was when he found out that we would have been fine with him going to the mall, because the parent was going also.  That was a huge lesson for him in honesty.  Years later, when this same son had another situation that required honesty, he told the whole truth and nothing but the truths…so help him, God.

Scripture is very clear for the believer about how we are to approach honesty.  We are told to “let your yes be yes and your no be no”.   Honesty is a value, however, that is shared by believers and non-believers.  It’s sort of a baseline moral standard of expectation of society.  Raising our children to be honest, therefore, is an important part of our parenting.

With that desire in mind, here are some suggestions to encourage your children to be honest:

Model it – If your children see you being dishonest, even on the telephone with the telemarketer or with your employer as to why you are not going to work, they are learning bad habits.  Be honest with your words and your time.

Teach it – The Bible is full of great stories about honesty.  Spend time reading and discussing them with your children.  A few suggestions are stories such as Joseph and his brothers, Esther and her situation with Haman, and the story of Jacob and Esau.  Obviously, you will need to study them first so you can discuss them with your children.  Ask questions to see if they understand and what their values are towards the issue of honesty.

Enforce it – There are some issues that should be handled more strongly than others in parenting.  Enforcing honesty is one of them.  If you allow even little actions of dishonesty to go unchecked, you are building a negative principle into your child’s life that you will one day see again and regret.  Of course, the punishment should always fit the age and the severity of the wrong, but the issue of honesty is one area where zero tolerance should be a part of your disciple plan.

Encourage it – Honesty should become an aspired value in your home.  Find examples of honesty around you and talk about them with your children.  When you see good news of this value being demonstrated, whether in the news, the church or community, make sure your children are made aware of the positive effects of honesty.   Again, ask questions to make sure they understand the importance of being honest.

Reward it – When your children are found being honest, reward them.  Our boys were told consistently that if they told us the truth we would respond much differently than if we had to figure out the truth on our own.  Make being honest a big deal to them, even something to celebrate.

Working to establish honesty in your children early will help ensure they live honest lives as adults.  Even though honesty is a shared value, most of us would agree, our level of trust in others has diminished in recent years.  As parents, we play a large role in raising the level of honesty in our society, one family at a time.

What are some tips you may have for teaching children to be honest?

(I originally wrote this article for Clarksville Family Magazine.)

I’ll never forget the first “sex talk” I had with our oldest son. The “talk” occurred at my office at the company we owned at the time; after hours when no one was in the office but him and me. It was a very scary moment, but I’m glad I did it then. He had already started to make comments and ask questions that indicated he needed an “education”. He was about 10 years old at the time. I recognized that helping my children live pure and healthy sexual lives would be a challenge in a culture that is often defined by sex. I began with a few principles, which has helped me to continue to have open and honest dialogue with my boys, even in their teenage years.

Start Early - The key here is that you want to be the primary and first source of information for your child. The old saying is true, “If you don’t tell them, someone else will.” You want to make sure they are getting the correct information about sex. With the oldest it was about 10 years of age, but with the youngest it was about 8 years. It will depend on their surroundings at school, the dialogues they are having with you and others, and their maturity level at the time.

Share in Stages – A four-year-old needs to know that there are boys and there are girls and they are each different, but that’s about it at that age. Share information based on the child’s interest, maturity and ability to understand. I don’t believe one “talk” will be enough for most children. Make sure children feel freedom to discuss anything with you as they have concerns or questions.

Answer questions – If your child is willing to ask a question it is because they want an answer. Many parents make the mistake of telling children they “don’t need to know yet”. There are no bad questions. Again, they will search for an answer and the wrong ones are the easiest to find.

Teach according to truth, not culture – The fact is that today’s culture is mostly wrong about the issue of sex. Culture has tried to redefine what sex is and the purposes and values of sex. Sex is not to be seen as dirty, cheap, or easy. Don’t be afraid to teach your children to be different from everyone else in culture. Help them understand the healthy role sex can play in building a strong marriage. Help them also understand that in the right context, sex is a wonderful gift from God. (It’s okay for them to look forward to something…even sex!)

Deal with the emotional as well as physical – Our children should understand the emotional aspect of sex and the damage, which can be caused by sexual activity, as much as they should understand the physical aspects. The emotional pain caused by early sexual experiences is usually the most damaging aspect later in life.

Get help – There are plenty of resources on teaching children the Biblical perspective on sex. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This is another great reason to have a mentoring couple in your life!

My two boys called it “The Talk”. We even began to label it with parts. I think by high school we were on at least “The Talk, part 31”, because they kept having questions as they matured. I don’t believe my boys would be as open talking about such a difficult subject regularly and honestly if I had not established that freedom and practice at an early age.

Are you delaying the discussion because of fear? They will talk about it somewhere…go first!

What was your experience with this delicate parenting responsibility, either as a child or an adult?  Did your parents give you the “talk”?