My boy’s can “fondly” remember the time we drove from our driveway heading to an undisclosed location on vacation.  I decided in advance not to tell them where we were going, but to let it be a surprise.  We were actually heading to St. Louis, but to complicate the situation, I decided to drive all side roads.  We went through what seemed to be every back road between our house and the hotel.  What should have been a four and half hour trip ended up being an eight-hour trip.  The boys complained frequently, which I expected, but when the trip was over, they realized we had experienced a great time just being together.

Why did I put my boys through such misery?  Am I a bad dad?  Well, the jury may still be out on that answer, but my logic was simple.  I wanted us to enjoy the day together as a family and I knew if I told them in advance what I planned for us to do and how we would do it, there would have been no cooperation on their part.  As it turned out, we had a great trip, saw things we wouldn’t have seen on the main roads, and enjoyed the time together. In addition, it gave us a lasting memory and joke of a time when they were “miserable”.

How many times as parents do we wish our children would just go along with the plan? Are there days we simply wish they would cooperate, because we know in advance that if they will, everything will be so much better? Do we want our children to cooperate with others, maybe even others with whom they do not agree on every issue?

We are each born with natural tendencies towards selfishness and independence, but families work better when everyone gets along and cooperates.  Teaching your children to cooperate should begin at an early age, as they first begin to play with other children. Once a child reaches elementary school there is a certain expectation, that he or she knows how to cooperate with other children.  Learning to cooperate with others, however, is something in which each of us continues to mature throughout our life.

If you are struggling with instilling the value of cooperation in your children, here are some suggestions:

Do not make your children think they are the center of the world.  Sometimes we mistakenly give our children everything they want, refuse to see their faults, and never allow them to fail.  The danger is that when they become adults they expect equal treatment from the world.  How is that working for you as an adult?

Model cooperation with others. Let your children see you getting along with other people, including people different from you.   If you are constantly complaining or arguing with your spouse or other family or friends, your children will be more inclined not to cooperate with you or others and they will have learned it from you.  Do you need to reconsider how you talk to people around you?

Do not provoke your children.  Ephesians 6:4 is our encouragement here, where it says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children”.  I was probably pushing that limit with the illustration above, but I kept it light-hearted and I knew my limits.  Don’t make your expectations for them be so high they can’t live up to them.  Remember they are children you are teaching how to be mature adults.  Are you placing too high of expectations on your children for their age?

Be a giver. Let your children see and participate in opportunities to give to others.  Find ways they can observe you being generous with others and look for family activities where they can help you bless other people.  What’s is a way you could lead your family in a project to give back to others?

Live life with other people. One of the benefits of being in a healthy church or playing on a local sports team is your children get to be around other people and are often forced to figure out how to get along with each other. Find ways to allow your children to experience different cultures. How have you exposed your children to people different from them?

(I originally wrote this as an article for Clarksville Family Magazine.)

What ways have you taught your children to cooperate?

I’m curious.  What type of relationship did you or do you have with your earthly father? I have asked this question dozens of times to different groups of men and women with surprising results.

I am soliciting feedback. Consider these questions:

• If you were seeking wisdom, would your father be the first person you would think to ask?
• Has your relationship improved with your father, as you have grown older?
• Does your perception of an earthly father, based on the relationship you had with your own father, strengthen or hinder your view of your Heavenly Father?
• Is it your goal to parent better or do you hope to just be as good a parent as your father parented you?

Would you do me a favor and comment here on this blog telling me a little about the relationship you had or didn’t have with your father? You can answer in a few words, a sentence, or in paragraphs, but I’d love your feedback on this one. (In fairness, I went first. I talked some about my dad HERE.)

I will blog more about this topic in days to come, but I would love to hear some stories first.

I debated posting this and then I asked for feedback and was overwhelmingly encouraged that this was a legitimate post. This morning Cheryl was the first to tell me that our youngest son , now a student at Moody Bible College in Chicago, had written a new blog post…and the subject was me. (The picture with this post is of him speaking recently at our student service.) She gave me time to read it and then came with heavy tears to get my reaction. She said, “This is what you’ve been living for…”

She was referring to a comment I have made many times as a father. I have stated that the pinnacle of success for me would be to one day receive one of those sappy, mushy plaques that talks about what a great dad I am…from children that really mean the words. I guess in this modern age of social media, today I received my first plaque.

Here’s an excerpt of Nate’s post:

Through my time the past month in God’s word I’ve come to have a much deeper appreciation for my dad. So many things I’m learning about God and His heart I remember watching my dad either experience or try to teach me, and I can’t explain how much that strengthens my faith. As I continue internalizing faith for myself I become so much more thankful for a dad who was willing to be open about his faith with his kids. (And just for the record, my dad doesn’t know I’m writing this. This week I’ve just been so overwhelmed by encountering Biblical truth I’ve seen modeled in him that I feel burdened to share.)

I want to list just a few things I can remember my dad doing with me that I think ultimately helped shape my faith. I don’t really know what readership I have here at Moons From Burma, or if I have any at all, but if you’re a parent or want to be a parent someday and desire that your kids love Jesus more than anything else, I think you should apply some of these to your parenting.

To read the remainder of his post and his points, click HERE.

For the record, I have two awesome sons, both that are respectful of me and genuine friends, but one blogs and the other one doesn’t (yet). The older did send me a very appreciative email recently that I may share (with his permission) in a future post. I love my boys.

Just curious. Is it okay for me to brag on my boys, as long as I realize without God in my life and theirs, we would be nothing?

But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years. Luke 1:7 NIV

How would you like to be known as “barren Elizabeth”? It was considered almost a curse in Bible days to not have children. It was assumed there was something in a person’s life in which God was not pleased. Zechariah and Elizabeth were good, Godly people, yet they had no children and they were past the normal age of childbirth.

In our ministry, Cheryl and I have many opportunities to hold babies. It is always, however, somewhat bittersweet. As wonderful as it is to rejoice with one couple, someone is always in mourning, because either they recently lost a child, or they have been unable to have one. We have learned it is a miserable pain.

I can’t pretend that I know how that feels, because I don’t, but having a minister’s heart, I can tell you that I do understand that it is a very real heartache to be childless and want a child. Holidays and the celebrations of birth of other children only remind the childless that a part of their heart is empty. When thousands of children starve to death around the world, it seems a tragedy that many couples have a remaining prayer request to be granted a child.

I suspect Zechariah and Elizabeth could identify with such couples. Their broken hearts were a reminder to them of their desire to be parents. Some of you reading this can understand the pain of those who remain childless, and desire to parent. Remember them this Christmas season. Share God’s love with them. Pray for them. Be sensitive around them. Be Jesus to them.

I usually find a place to hide out of the office on Wednesdays so I can study without interruption. While I was diligently working on this weekend’s message today my office was ravaged at the hand of our children’s pastor. Here is proof of how abusive a church staff can be towards its pastor. Please pray for me as I deal with this trauma.

BTW, we are accepting applications for our new children’s pastor effective immediately.

Do you have fun where you work?

For more posts about my workplace, click HERE.

Someone in our community group reminded me recently of a parenting phenomenon that I experienced firsthand.  Perhaps you did also. My friend is living through her first “terrible threes”.   She has a three year old trying her patience.  As with so many others (most it seems), it’s not the “terrible twos” that is a problem…it’s the “terrible threes”.

It goes something like this:  One day your precious angel; the one everyone thinks is so cute, who was hardly ever a problem before, suddenly becomes a holy terror at times.   You have never dealt with such temper tantrums, back-talking sassiness, and outbursts of anger.  You may have entered the terrible threes.

Children cycle through many phases and it shouldn’t be too surprising if they go through a rebellious stage early in life.   The terrible threes, or twos, as the case may be, most likely is the time when the child most openly expresses his or her independence.  The more independent the child, the more difficult this time can be.

He or she is exploring a new world, testing boundaries, discovering their own personality, and filtering through reactions of others.  As with other phases the child will experience, this one is difficult for the child as well as the parent, but in this phase the child is the least mature and their reaction is likewise.

Here is my advice for surviving the terrible threes:

Suffer through it! Most likely, it will not last long,, perhaps not even a whole year, and there is hope on the other side.

Be consistent - This is not the time to give in to the child’s outbursts. This is the time to consistently follow through with prescribed discipline.

Keep loving -  As much as your child tries your patience, continue to always exhibit love to your child, even during discipline.

Experiment – Use different discipline methods until you find one that works for this stage of the child’s life.

Remember you are the adult – Sometimes when the child is showing his or her worse side it is tempting to show yours.  Keep your cool. Be mature.  Handle these days firmly, but calmly.  Remember you are modeling behavior for your child.

Teach your child – This phase can be a great opportunity to teach your child how to respond to disappointment and frustration.

Don’t be afraid to share your situation with others. Often parents are embarrassed because of their children’s behavior during this stage of life so they hide the struggle; not realizing that so many other parents experience the same with their children.  The biggest surprise at this stage of your child’s life may be when you discover you are not unique in this struggle.

By the way, these work in most other phases of a child’s life also.

For more help with parenting issues, see these POSTS.  I would especially recommend my parenting model.  Read it HERE. :

What’s your story?  If you are a parent, did you experience more of the terrible twos or the terrible threes?

I wasn’t there this year, because I had given my wife a vacation for Christmas that same week, but this video represents one of the most talked about events at Catalyst from our team from Grace Community Church that went. I am so glad they made the video available.  Enjoy!  (Thanks Catalyst for making this available.)

This Sunday night, (September 20th) Cross Street Live will launch for the 2009-2010 season.  This is an opportunity for the community to come together for a family worship experience. The fun begins at 5:30 in the auditorium of Rossview High School. Cross Street Live is a high energy, professionally designed and managed value-teaching night of fun for children and adults of all ages. For more information, click HERE. Also, watch this preview:

As I work on other things this Labor Day, I thought I would share one of our new family pictures.  Thanks to Piper Bell in our church for taking these before Nate left for Moody.

On a personal note, because so many have asked, last Thursday night was a weird night for Cheryl and me.  We finished dinner and the dishes by 6:30, no boys were in the house.  Nate is in Chicago and Jeremy was with friends, and we looked at each other and for the first time really felt like empty-nesters.  It’s a new season for us.  It wasn’t a bad feeling, but different.

Yesterday at church we did the song “You’re Gonna Miss This“.  I understand that song a lot better these days.

Anyone else know the feeling?

It has been a couple weeks since I dropped our youngest son Nate off at college.  He is attending Moody Bible Institute in Chicago.  Our oldest son is a senior at Austin Peay State University and is living at home to save money this year.  Nate is our first to change cities of residence and he is 8 hours from home.  In the process of him leaving I have learned a few things:

1. It was much harder than I thought letting go. My counseling background tells me I began a mini-depression about a month before he left and I’m just now beginning to see light again.
2. I prepared my boy, but not my emotions.  I am a fairly unemotional person.  Not the day I said “Goodbye” or the week following.  I was an emotional wreck. Thankfully, Nate is very mature and is going to do great with his independence.
3. It will never be the same, but it can be better…at least in some ways.  I miss seeing Nate terribly, but our talks are even more open and honest than when he was here.
4. I can’t wait for his calls/texts/emails.  There is a charge in my spirit when I look down at my phone and see that it is Nate.
5. It is a new phase of life for Cheryl and me.  Our parenting is not over, but our role is changing. We are beginning to make some new dreams, just for the two of us.

I posted more about this process in my letter to Nate.  You can read that post HERE.  For some things I have learned in parenting, see this CATEGORY.

Parents, tell me about your experience letting your children go.