I’ve seen a lot of conflict in my life. From parents and couples in my office for counseling to employment situations where two people can’t get along. I’ve even seen a fight in the grocery store because someone thought someone else cut line.

As an observer, I’ve learned a few things about facing conflict. Primarily, I’ve observed that the way one person responds often determines the way the other person responds. That makes sense, doesn’t it?

When you are backed into a corner and facing potential conflict you can come out fighting, or you can be smart about it, plan your response, and help turn the situation for good.

In fact, the secrets of facing the fire of conflict should be elementary.

Here are 3 steps when backed into a corner:

Stop

Stop and think. What is the best approach? What do you really want to accomplish? Based on that, how should you respond? The opening moments are always critical in any conflict. You can quickly back someone or yourself into a corner. Cornered people move into a self-protection mode, fail to react rationally, and the sense of what’s best is lost. It requires practice, but take adequate time to plan the best way to approach the other party. It may require you being silent when your prone to speak, but this one step often avoids much of the unnecessary and unproductive conflict. (As an example, Jesus took time to make a whip before driving the money changers out of the temple. John 2)

Drop

Drop the right to win. When you come into a potential fiery situation with a have-to-win attitude you cloud your ability to work for the best results. Self-centeredness always gets in the way of healthy conflict. Be humble and agree that you are going to do what is best, even if that means you don’t get your way. This doesn’t mean you give in to the other party, but the goal in conflict should not be to win personally, but to reach the best solution for everyone.

Roll

Roll out the best approach. I realize it takes two or more people to make this happen, but when one party is willing to do the first two it makes accomplishing the best so much more likely. Go into every potential conflict with a humble desire for the best solution to be accomplished.

Avoid an unnecessary fire. Don’t come out swinging.

Stop, drop and roll.

Be honest, how are you at holding your tongue when needed?

When you are leading people…

When you are introducing change…

When you want people to follow…

When you want buy-in to the plans…

When you want to build or maintain momentum…

When you are experiencing growth…

When you are experiencing decline…

Don’t bother with the what…

Unless you share the why…

People won’t hear the what as well unless they know the why…

You’ll face resistance…

They’ll be separate agendas…

The vision is clouded…

The motivation is absent…

Paint the why…as you share the what…

Be honest, are you less likely to want to do the what if you don’t know the why?

There are some characteristics which set a great leader apart from mediocre leaders. Great leaders are multidimensional. While continuing to improve, great leaders have achieved certain markers in leadership.

Here are 7 marks of a great leader:

With humility, surrendering your way when it’s not the best way

With intentionality, continuing to learn and grow as a leader

With compassion, considering the needs of others ahead of your own

With integrity, never separating character from your definition of quality or success

With passion, the ability to rally a team and articulate the path to victory

With vision, seeing things other can’t see or are afraid to pursue

With strength, having the discipline to follow through on commitments

I’m not claiming all great leaders excel in each of these areas, certainly not that I have, but there should be a certain level of accomplishment, a progression towards each of them or at least a desire to do so…to be a great leader.

What markers did I miss?

(Art work courtesy of me.)

One qualification to be an effective leader, especially at a senior level, is the ability to see beyond the organization’s current path.

Effective leaders appear to have a unique perception ability…

• A leader’s view goes beyond what’s expected to sense and prepare for the unexpected…
• A leader looks outside the norm to attain untapped potential and seize opportunities…
• A leader observes what needs changing to stir enthusiasm and fuel momentum…

I’m not sure whether it is by discipline or by personal wiring, but a leader has an ability to see beyond the scope of things as they currently exist. He or she appears to see things others simply can’t see or aren’t looking for. It’s a keen sense of awareness, which in my opinion, seems to exist with all effective senior leaders. It’s obviously not an ability limited to the senior leader, but it is critical with this position of leadership.

Without the ability to work from this perspective, in my opinion, the leader’s potential is limited.

Give me your thoughts. Would you agree?

I encounter many leaders who claim to be good at delegation, but are frustrated with the results they receive on delegated projects. Of course, they often claim innocence, feeling they have done their job by delegation. The blame then naturally shifts to the delegate.

The problem, however, in many cases, rests not with the delegate, but with a leader’s failure to delegate properly. There are certainly times when the delegate drops the ball and doesn’t follow through with the task (which I believe is often one of the reasons listed below), but in my experience, the failure of delegation most often rests with the leader:

Here are 5 reasons delegation often fails:

There was no accountability provided in the delegation process. When someone receives a project, they need to be given a timeline for completion. They need a system of follow up, measures of accomplishment or benchmarks towards completion. A predetermined win is clear and understood in healthy delegation.

The leader dumped instead of delegated. I have written about this previously, but if the leader had the responsibility to delegate the task, then he or she retains a level of responsibility to check in periodically with the delegate’s progress. There’s an element of partnership in a healthy delegation process, where the leader remains close enough to assure completion.

The delegate was not properly trained. Assuming someone knows how to do a task and can figure out their way on their own isn’t only naive it’s unfair. Questions need to be asked and information given on the front end to make sure the person has the ability to complete the task or the ability to learn along the way. This may involve the leader spending more time in the beginning phases of a task to ensure completion is attainable by the delegate.

Adequate resources were not in place. It’s difficult to expect someone to complete a task when the leader hasn’t given the proper tools for the job. Sometimes anxious leaders delegate a project too soon, before the team is ready, either in structure or in resources.

The wrong person was chosen for the task. Let’s face it. Not everyone is up to every task. Many times when delegation fails because the leader picked the wrong person for the job. Selecting the best person on the front end or reassigning when an improper fit is discovered is critical to assure completion of a task.

Do you have delegated projects that didn’t get completed this past year?

Could one of these be the reason? If so, who needs to take responsibility for the failure?

“Everything rises and falls on leadership” – Dr. John Maxwell

What other reasons do you see for the failure of delegation?

It was a hard years as a leader in some ways. So much for having an “open door policy”. This year several members of our staff told me where I was letting them down. Next year I’ll close the door.

Not really, but this was a year, like many before, where staff members said to me, “I have a problem with you.” They may not have used those exact words, but the point was clear; I’m an idiot at times. There is room for improvement with any leader, and maturing leaders welcome instruction from the people they are trying to lead.

I realize some would question me for allowing such correction from people I’m supposed to lead, but most of the time when I’ve been corrected by someone I’m supposed to lead, I deserve it, but anytime an associate is brave enough to rebuke an employer, you can be assured he or she is either:

• Desperate and willing to do anything
• Ignorant or doesn’t care
• Feels welcome to do so

In my opinion, good leaders work to live within the third option. I’m hoping that’s the reason in my situation.

Here are 7 ways I welcome correction by the people I lead:

An open door – This is more than keeping the door to my office open. I try to make my schedule available to the people I lead. In addition, my team knows I consider responsiveness to be of the highest value.

Include others in decision making – If a decision affects more people than me, then I want more people helping to make the decision. This is true even if it’s a natural decision for me to make. The more I include people in the decision-making, the more likely they are to want to follow the decisions made.

Ask for it – Consistently, throughout the year, I ask people to tell me what they think. It’s a risky move, because many will, but it’s invaluable insight. (I’ll help your team do it too. Details HERE.)

Admit mistakes – It’s important that I recognize when decisions made are my fault.

Take personal responsibility – In addition to admitting fault, I must own my share of projects and responsibility. The team needs to know that I’m on their side and in their corner.

Model it – It’s one thing to say I welcome correction, but when correction comes, I must model receiving it well. If I overreact when correction comes, I’ll limit the times I receive it.

Trade it – The best way to get your team to offer healthy correction of the leader is to create a relationship with your team where there is mutual correction. The goal is not for the leader to receive all the correction. The goal is for correction to be applied where correction is needed.

Receiving correction is difficult for anyone, perhaps seemingly unnatural for most leaders. I believe, however, that when leader is open to correction, his or her team will be more willing to follow the leader wherever he or she goes.

Leader, are you open to correction?

Is your leader open to correction?

Do you want to harness the greatest power in your organization? The best assets of your church, business or non-profit never appear on your balance sheet.

The truth is that any organization is only as good as the people within it. Take the greatest idea and put the wrong people behind it and little progress will be realized.  With the right people, even average ideas can achieve tremendous results.

Are you taking the advantages of human capital?

Are you relying on the knowledge, insight and experience of everyone on your team to make the organization better?

Here are 5 ways to capitalize on the people value of your team:

Brainstorm – Have assigned times periodically where everyone on the team gets to give input into the organization’s future. I like to provide ways for even the most introverted on our team to share thoughts with me.

Allow mistakes – Create an environment where team members are willing to take risks without fear of repercussion if things go wrong. This atmosphere will often be created with the leader’s instant reactions to mistakes made, but will be reinforced by how the organization learns from failure.

Ask questions – Genuinely seek help from those around you.  Recognize the fact that others may know more than you know about a particular subject. I like to follow others on the team when they are the expert in a subject.

Don’t pre-define – If you want help solving a problem or planning for the future, start with a clean slate, without having a pre-determined outcome when addressing an issue.  If the leader always has the answer, team members are less likely to share their input.

Be open to change/new ideas – The leader must genuinely desire the involvement of others.  Everyone on the team knows if the leader is really considering other people’s opinions. If team member’s suggestions are never implemented, they eventually will stop sharing them.

How are you currently taking advantage of human capital?

For more ideas on creating an environment of innovation click HERE.

(This is an expanded version of a previous post.)

I frequently say to our church that I’m less interested in where a person has been and more interested in where they are going. I would make that statement about leadership also. The best leaders I know don’t have all the answers. They haven’t got everything figured out yet. Most wouldn’t even consider themselves “experts” in the field of leadership. (I certainly don’t consider myself to be one.)

What they have done and are doing is to continue maturing as a leader. The best leaders I know are consistently getting better.

Here are 7 attributes of a maturing leader:

• Able to think strategically in the moment (I wrote a post about that HERE.)
• Is an encourager and guards the tongue from reckless and hurtful words and expressions
• Recognizes the contributions of others and willingly cheers other’s success
• Doesn’t act in anger, but carefully plans a response
• Thinks beyond today personally and for the organization
• Is concerned about, but doesn’t stress over the small stuff
• Forgives easily and receives correction without becoming defensive

You may not have all of these as attributes yet, but my encouragement is to keep improving.

Brag on yourself: Which of these are you doing well?

Be honest: Upon which of these attributes do you most need to improve?

This is a guest post by Dr. Paul White is a business consultant and psychologist, and is the coauthor of The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace with Dr. Gary Chapman. For more information, go to www.appreciationatwork.com. Here is Dr. White’s guest post:

How to Reduce Holiday Stress for Your Ministry Team

“The Christmas Rush” is something everyone experiences at some degree during the holidays, but it takes on a whole new meaning for church leaders and volunteers.

Ministry workers have the same holiday activities that others have—buying gifts, attending Christmas parties and events, and visiting out-of-town relatives—in addition to ministry demands that can deplete a church team’s time and energy. For pastors, worship leaders, and Sunday School teachers, there are extra Christmas programs, such as the Christmas Eve service or a special holiday concert, which require additional weeknight practices, time-intensive preparation, and the coordination of many different people. There are decorations that need to be put up in the sanctuary, Christmas trees that need ornaments in the foyer for a gift-giving ministry, and there are gifts that need to be bought for the Sunday School class or cookies to be made for small group study.

This is the perfect recipe for stressed, uptight, and frantic people. Are you excited and ready to worship yet?

So as a church leader, what you do? Take high blood pressure medication? Check out and reappear in January? I’ve written recently on general ways to reduce stress and avoid holiday burnout, but here are two steps you can take to support your ministry team and reduce the stress level for you both:

Reduce the “Should’s”

The holidays become crazy because we have so many “should’s” – and they are coming at us from everywhere: past positive memories, family traditions, the church’s traditions, personal expectations, Martha Stewart, TV commercials and those magazine articles on “How to Make Baby Jesus Manger Cookies.”

Help your staff by reducing the sense of obligation you place on them. You can also help them evaluate opportunities by saying, “We could do that, but we don’t have to for this to be a success,” Or, “It’ll be fine without having to go the extra mile.” Many times people just need the permission to say no, or to say when enough is enough.

Actively Appreciate Your Team Members

Statistics show that the majority of people don’t feel truly valued in their jobs or volunteer work, with 70% of employees who say they receive no or little appreciation at work, and one third of volunteers do not return after one year of service. And when people don’t feel appreciated, they start to feel used—becoming discouraged, irritable, and edgy. They’re not fun to be around and this attitude can spread and affect the entire team.

One challenge in effectively appreciating your team members is that not everyone’s “language of appreciation” is the same, and therefore, some attempts at appreciation may miss the mark. Most people think of appreciation as being verbal—saying thanks, a written note, or a public award—but in reality 25-30% people don’t like to receive recognition in front of a large group. For another 25%, a gift card to Starbucks or the local Christian bookstore will not convey the intended appreciation. Some people feel appreciated in spending personal time with you; others just want help cleaning up.

In my business consulting with leaders, I have found that for people to truly feel valued, appreciation needs to be communicated individually (rather than a blanket thank-you to all involved), in the language that they value (see our online inventory to identify each person’s preferred appreciation language), and in a manner that they perceive as being genuine.

To be honest, it takes some time and effort to communicate appreciation effectively. But it is worth it when you hit the mark with a team member, and you watch as they start to glow (or become teary-eyed) and their commitment to you and the ministry deepens dramatically. When your ministry team starts to feel appreciated for what they do, you won’t be able to get rid of them even if you want to! And you will have melted away any holiday stress they were feeling previously.

Dr. White’s book The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace applies the “love language” concept of New York Times bestseller, The 5 Love Languages, to the workplace. This book helps supervisors and managers effectively communicate appreciation and encouragement to their employees, resulting in higher levels of job satisfaction, healthier relationships between managers and employees, and decreased cases of burnout. Ideal for both the profit and non-profit sectors, the principles presented in this book have a proven history of success in businesses, schools, medical offices, churches, and industry. Each book contains an access code for the reader to take a comprehensive online MBA Inventory (Motivating By Appreciation) – a $20 value.

One thing I learned in obtaining a master’s in leadership is that defining leadership is difficult. John Maxwell says, “Leadership is influence.” I love that simple definition. Still, I have observed that there are many myths when it comes to even what that means.

Here are some 7 of my favorite myths about leadership:

A position makes one a leader – Some believe that simply having a big or fancy title makes one a leader. Not true. I’ve known many people with a position whom no one was truly following. They may give out orders and command a certain obedience, but no one is willingly following their lead.

If I’m not hearing anyone complain, everyone must be happy – The fact is that sometimes the leader is the last to know about a problem. Some people are intimidated by leadership. Other times, they don’t know how to approach the leader, so they complain to others, but not the leader.

I can lead everyone the same way - Actually, people are different and require different leadership styles. (Read a post I wrote about that subject HERE.)

Leadership and management are the same thing – Great organizations need both, but they are not equal and they require different skills. (Read a post I wrote about one difference HERE.)

Being the leader makes you popular – The truth is, many times the opposite is true. Leaders can be very lonely people. (I wrote about that HERE.)

Leaders must be extroverted charismatics – Not true. Some of the best leaders I know are very introverted and subdued. Leadership is about influence. If someone is trustworthy, dependable and going somewhere, others will follow.

Leaders accomplish by controlling others - Absolutely not. That’s not leadership, that’s dictatorship. Effective leaders encourage others to lead, be creative, and take ownership and responsibility for accomplishing the vision. (Read the difference in leading people and controlling people HERE.)

What other myths about leadership have you observed?