Ron Edmondson » Parenting

Start With You

Ron Edmondson — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:00:34 +0000

When you’re having trouble communicating…

When you can’t get children to respond appropriately…

When your team isn’t cooperating…

When the marriage is struggling…

Before you address the problem with the other person…

Ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

First…

What in you needs changing?

In what ways are you contributing to the problem?

How could you communicate differently?

Before you address the problems with others…

Look inside yourself…

Obviously, as a child of God, we start with God, allow Him to examine our hearts and shape us into His image, but in my experience, we often we look at the other person first…and think it’s all about them. I think we have a responsibility to humbly consider our own shortcomings. Many times, if we will look at ourself, we’ll either find the problem or we’ll find a better way to address the problem.

Get to know the person in the mirror…

Before you criticize others…

Could this principle change the way you lead?

10 Tips for Parents on Healthy Discipline

Ron Edmondson — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 12:00:09 +0000

As a pastor, I’m consistently asked about disciplining children. I posted on this previously, but decided to revise it some and post again.

There is always special interest in the subject of spanking; whether it was appropriate or not and whether I believe in it or not. While I believe discipline is a personal topic for parents to decide where they land, I do believe there are some principles that are helpful for all parents to follow. I am probably less inclined in this area to talk about what I did and more inclined to talk about the principles I believe are even more helpful.

I have written my basic overall plan for parenting in an earlier post. You can read it HERE. Since I believe the most important thing is that you have a plan for your parenting and where you are taking your children, here are 10 principles I believe can help the discipline part of your plan.

Here are 10 tips for parents on healthy discipline:

Goal set first. Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.” You should understand the reason behind discipline. You are taking your children somewhere they need to go.

Never discipline in anger. You will say things you do not mean and do things you should not do. Discipline done is anger is rarely productive and usually harmful long-term.

At the time of need for discipline, remember this 3-step process: Stop/Think/Proceed. The older your child gets the longer you can and may need to take with each step.

Be consistent in your discipline plan. It will mean nothing to the child otherwise.

Pre-think principles, but do not try to pre-plan specifics. You should have some value-centered, character-based goals you want discipline to promote in your child. You should avoid declaring what you will do when your child does something specific. Don’t ever say, for example, my child will never wear his hair long. You may regret those words someday.

Differentiate discipline for each child. To spank or not to spank should not be as big a deal as what works best for the child. (For more on this see THIS POST.)

Do not make threats with which you are unwilling to follow through. Your children will catch on to that real quick.

Use age appropriate and action appropriate discipline. As a child matures the discipline should mature with them. At the same time, do not overkill a minor incident or ignore a major occurrence.

Always discipline the child for results. Discipline in its concept is not necessarily pleasant, but it reaps a reward if done right. Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Discipline should never teach a child he or she is unloved. Actually, if done right, it should reinforce the love a parent has for the child. (Hebrews 12:7-10)

If you have something to add about discipline or any specific questions, feel free to comment.

My Advice: Don’t Always Give People an Answer

Ron Edmondson — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 13:40:54 +0000

I have a theory I practice often. I’ve been using it for many years…as a leader, father, a friend, and a pastor. It’s not always what people come looking to me for, but I think it’s the best practice.

I don’t always give people answers…

As a pastor, people come to me for answers…
As a dad, my boys come to me for answers…
As a friend, people come to me for answers…
As a leader of a team, people come to me for answers…

In either case, I don’t always give people answers…

I don’t try to solve their problems for them.

Now, please understand, if there is a clear Biblical answer for their problem or issue, I give it to them, but these are the issues more difficult to discern. These are the career choice decisions, the calling in life decisions, the unwritten answer type decisions.

For those type issues, I probably have an opinion, but I never “have” the answer.

Instead…

I help people discover a paradigm through which to make the decision…

I become an objective listener…
I help them see all sides of the issue…
I share Scriptures that may speak to both sides of the decision…
I serve as an outside voice…
I may diagram the problem, as I hear it, so they can see the issue on paper…
I help them learn to pray and listen to God..

And then I release them to make a decision….

Here is my reasoning…

If I solve the problem:

I’m just another opinion…and I may be wrong…
They’ll resent me if it proves to be a wrong decision…
They’ll never take ownership of the issue…
They’ll likely do what they want anyway…
They won’t learn the valuable skills of listening to the voice of God…
They won’t learn from experience…

My advice:

Don’t always have an answer…

Help people form a paradigm through which to to solve their problems or make decisions…

Are you too quick to have an answer sometimes?

10 Suggestions for Raising Godly Children

Ron Edmondson — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 00:25:47 +0000

Most of the believers I know have a strong desire to raise their children to be godly; to be passionate followers of Christ. With two boys, I know the difficulty in completing that task. Years ago, before I even had children, God laid on my heart to develop a plan for my fathering. Though at the time I didn’t put this on paper, over the years I have begun to write it down in an effort to encourage other parents to have a plan for their parenting in the area of spiritual development. (I have an overall parenting plan. You can read that HERE.)

This is an outline of my specific plan for spiritual development of a child. You will need to alter your plan to fit your own goals, life situations, and the individualities of your children.

Here are 10 suggestions for raising godly children:

Realize that raising godly children does not usually happen by accident. It will require proper planning and implementation.

Know what you want your child to look like as adults. Ultimately I want my boys to be like Christ, so He became the primary model I used.

Define what it means to be a Christ follower. For me that definition is one who knows what God requires of him and is willing to do whatever it takes to meet that requirement.

Strive to live like Christ personally. I realized early in parenting my boys that they would each, in many ways, be copycats of me. They must see me willing to live out my own definition of who a Christ follower is and being willing to walk by faith.

Have basic principles of spiritual growth that you want each child to learn.

For me those were:

How to hear from God.
What it means to be a student of God’s Word.
The act of surrendering to God’s will.

Find practical teachings from God’s Word. For my boys, that meant looking at the characters of the Bible and how their lives represented Christ, how they heard from and obeyed God, and also how sometimes they failed. Reading through Proverbs and Ecclesiastes also helped implant wisdom in my boys.

Individualize teaching time for the child. We seldom did the typical Bible study setting; although that may seem like the easy way. I looked for teachable moments with my boys; for one boy that was often while pitching a baseball together and for the other it was while kicking a soccer ball. Bedtime was another opportune time for teaching. It is amazing what children will do to delay bedtime, but if the discussion is productive I always felt their character development was most important. Dinner time was another opportunity when we could talk about the things of God.

Be purposeful to talk about the specific character traits you want your child to have. We decided each year what was most important for each boy to learn that year. I purposively brought up character topics, such as honesty or how to treat girls and discussed it with them during teaching moments when I had their full attention.

Be willing to grow in your own learning of who Christ is. Over the years, my understanding of who Christ is and how He relates to us and the world around us has continually grown. I have allowed my boys to walk through those changes with me. I haven’t been afraid to let them know I didn’t have answers or that I was wrong.

Pray and trust Christ. I know plenty of examples where parents did everything I have done, yet they haven’t experienced the same results. I know that only God’s grace can really build godliness and every child has the ability to resist that grace.

I know it is one of my responsibilities as a father to see that this plan is implemented. I am thankful for a supporting wife who has worked with me to balance my role with her more nurturing role (which she is excellent at completing). So far our now adult young men are following after God’s heart in their own way.

My role is changing from my boy’s primary influencer to one of a mentor or coach, but I’m thankful for the godly young men they have become.

Do you have a plan for your parenting?

Rite of Passage, by Jim McBride Book Review and Giveaway

Ron Edmondson — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 11:00:39 +0000

I’m participating today in the Rite of Passage Blog Tour. Follow the rest of this tour HERE.

Rite of Passage is a new book by Jim McBride. Jim is executive producer of Fireproof and Courageous and brings wisdom, experience, and practical examples of ways to bring children through a rite of passage to adulthood. Many people are aware of the Jewish practice of the Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, for example. The reality, however, is that many children today don’t learn how to become adults on purpose; rather, they ride the wave of adolescence toward an unknown adult future.

I am particularly interested in this book, because I took my two boys through a rite of passage experience. (I wrote about it HERE.) Moms, dads, and other perfectly placed adults have the unique opportunity to guide the teenagers in their life toward adulthood. This is not a privilege to be taken lightly, but neither is it an impossible task.

In Rite of Passage you will learn about the journey Jim and his wife have gone through to bless their four children and send them our into the world from a position of approval rather than seeking approval…and you’ll discover how you can do the same.

Find the book on Amazon or learn more about it here and on Jim McBride’s blog. And be sure to join the movement on Facebook.

Have you been this intentional in your parenting?

To help you get started, I’m giving away 2 (two) copies of Rite of Passage. To be eligible:

Comment on this post…tell me your children’s names and ages. (If you don’t yet have children…just say that.)
RT or share this post on Twitter, Facebook, or Google+.

I’ll award two random copies in a few days.

Are Your Children a Bridge or a Wedge in Your Marriage?

Ron Edmondson — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 11:15:16 +0000

Are your children a bridge or a wedge in your marriage?

Wedge:

Many parents allow children to be a wedge between them. They have separate discipline policies, differing goals for the children, and different methods of communicating with the children. They talk negatively to the children about the other parent and force the children to take sides between the parents. Some parents use the children as a tool to get even with the other parent. Other parents use the children as an excuse for a bad marriage.

Bridge:

Cheryl and I used our children to bridge our relationship. Obviously couples talk about children naturally, so we used that time to dream together, plan for our parenting, and escape for our personal time. Our two boys became a glue that continually brought us back together. We never gave our boys an answer on major issues until we talked about it together first. We refused to let our boys pit one of us against the other. We didn’t always agree at first, but our boys didn’t know it at the time and it forced us to come together on a decision, which in turn helped strengthen our marriage.

Are your children a bridge or a wedge in your marriage?

Parenting By Grace: Revised

Ron Edmondson — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 23:10:37 +0000

Cheryl and I attempted to implement grace parenting in our home. Our boys are now grown, but we are beginning to see some fruit from our methods and our heart is to help others learn from things we did wrong and things we did right. Grace parenting is one thing I believe we did right. Grace parenting attempts to raise children the way God parents us…by grace. If God leads us by grace, shouldn’t we lead our children by grace? I read in the Scriptures that grace teaches, graces protect, grace encourages, and grace redeems. Oh, the power of grace. (Aren’t you glad we are not under the law…but grace?)

This does not mean that we let our children do whatever they want to do. It doesn’t mean there were no rules in my house. (My boys would say Amen to that. ) It doesn’t mean we release them to sin, or even that we expect them to sin. The apostle Paul dealt with these same concerns regarding grace living. (Romans 6:1-2) To the contrary, I actually believe grace parenting has led to a stronger walk with the Lord for each of the boys. They are now young men, honoring Christ (and their parents) with their lives.

These are some steps that helped us think through this concept of parenting by grace. Consider them for your own family and see if they are appropriate, recognizing that each child is unique and may require a different approach in some areas.

Here is our parenting model, Parenting by Grace:

Set clear boundaries - Children need to know what is expected of them and what the limits are in the home. They will test these, when they do, enforce the boundaries, but do it with grace. One of these boundaries for us was respect. My boys could speak openly and honestly about anything with us, but I expected them to respect Cheryl and me.

Recognize the individuality of the child - Some children require more structure than others do. Make sure the boundaries set are appropriate for the needs of the child. One of our boys needed more structure than the other boy. His boundaries had to be more defined. He also needed illustrations to help explain to him the boundaries. The other boy just needed a clear destination…a path for him…he would get there in his own way.

Major on the majors, not the minors - There should be some items, which everyone understands are non-negotiable items. We tend to let these be moral or Biblical issues, such as lying, cheating, disrespect, etc. If the issue affects the child’s character, then it is a major issue. These major issues are handled sternly and thoroughly, but still with love. The minor issues, issues, which do not affect the child’s character, are not to be ignored, but they can be handled less severely. This will eliminate much of the “nagging” children often feel parents do.

Consider the heart – We always tried to determine the reasons behind our boy’s actions before deciding on discipline. A pure heart was always treated differently from a rebellious heart. Remember you are trying to mold a character for life. Scripture says that we should monitor and protect the heart above everything else. (Proverbs 4:23) If your child’s heart is pure and wants to do the right thing, instructing them in the way they should go may be better than harsh discipline. If their heart is bent on rebellion that should be handled much stricter.

Give multiple chances and forgive easily – God has given Cheryl and me so many chances. Shouldn’t we do the same for our children…especially if we want to model the heart of God for our children? After punishment is decided upon, make sure the child understands why they are being punished. You may not be able to fully explain at the time, but go back to the child afterwards to make sure you have not broken their spirit or closed their heart to you. They should always know that you love them, that you would never forsake them, even when they have done something wrong. They should never question your commitment to them in your anger. Give love liberally, just as God gives it to us.

If your children are living within the boundaries, then be a “fun” parent - Let them enjoy having a good time with you. We wanted our boys to honestly be able to say they lived in a fun house, while at the same time we wanted to witness their character being molded into the image of Christ. We laughed so much in our house and under this model, there were rarely days where life was no fun in our home, even during some of the most stressful times in our lives as parents.

Our boys quickly learned the concept of grace as they grew in our home. They understood that we were holding them to high standards, but that we would extend to them lots of grace.

How are you being intentional with your parenting? Let others learn from you.

(This is a revised post from a few years ago. My boys are now out of the house.)

Building a House

Ron Edmondson — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 11:30:20 +0000

The wise woman builds her house…

(Proverbs 14:1)

If you want to build a house…

It takes a plan…

It takes diligence…

It requires the right materials…

It takes time…

It involves sleepless nights…

It requires discipline…

It’s not done in front of the television or computer…

It’s not cheap…

It will stretch your heart…in various directions…

It will not always make you the popular parent…

It will require sacrifice…

It’s not easy…

But…

Its rewards last for generations…

Parents…

Are you building your house?

What else does building a house require?

(To see my personal parenting model, click HERE.)

The 5th Type of Mentor

Ron Edmondson — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 10:30:40 +0000

I’m updating a post. Yesterday I posted 4 types of mentors. Read it HERE (updated of course). I can’t believe I missed one…or that no one else caught my obvious error.

I grew up without a close relationship with my father. I missed the investment a father makes in the life of his son. As a result, I’ve tried my best to invest in my sons, but I guess because it wasn’t a great part of my story I missed it.

There is another kind of mentor.

The 5th type of mentor is:

Relational - It’s probably the best kind. It’s the way I am with my two boys. They can call me anytime for advice. They can get through my crazy schedule when no one else (except Cheryl) can. They hold my heart and my desire for their personal success in their hand. I mentored them because they are part of me. A relational mentor relationship happens with someone to whom you are related. It’s the most Biblical kind of mentoring. I hope it’s been a part of your life.

Isn’t that the best kind of mentor?

Do you have a relational mentor in your life? Share that with me here. I promise I’ll be encouraged!

My Current Heart Stirrings: Men’s Ministry

Ron Edmondson — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 11:00:25 +0000

I did men’s ministry for many years before I went into vocational ministry. Recently I felt led to address the young men in our church. One Saturday morning, I invited men aged 35 and under to join me as I shared some thoughts with them. Basically I said to them what I wish had been said to me at that age. The response from the guys who attended has been amazing. They want more.

In the process of planning and praying for this event, God did something to my heart. I’m still processing all that means, but I know it involves being more intentional addressing concerns I see as a need for more godly men to lead in their homes, communities and churches.

This week I received this email. (Some details are omitted to protect the identity, although this email is one of dozens like it I receive each year.)

Hi, my wife and I attend your church regularly. My wife feels like I need to be more of a spiritual leader. I wanted to get your advice on what I should do as a husband to be more of a spiritual leader in my marriage and what it looks like. Thank you for your time.

Pastor, how would you answer that question?

God is placing a huge passion and burden on my heart for men, specifically young men who desire to be godly, but aren’t sure where to start. I’ve seldom met a man who didn’t want to do the right things, but I’ve met many who didn’t know how to get there. Mentoring and discipleship resources for men are rare compared to what’s available for women.

In the coming weeks and months, I’m going to spend more time addressing this issue here and in other venues. I’m even praying about a bigger opportunity to address this need. I don’t know what’s next completely, but I know when I stand before my God I want to have been faithful to His call.

Am I on the right track? Help me process this need and opportunity.

Men, be honest, do you need some help in this area of your life? Are you struggling in your roles as a man?

Women, what about your take on this issue? Do men need help learning to be godly men?

What are the best resources right now addressing this issue?

I’d love your input as it helps confirm and fuel my heart and thoughts.