My mom is my hero.

She’s the most gracious, forgiving, patient person I know.

My mom raised 3 children mostly as a single mom. My dad finished life well, (I wrote about that HERE) before dying a couple years ago, but to fully understand my life, you would have to know that for much a my life, my dad was an absentee father. That put a huge burden on my mom. Some of you know the hardship of the single mom, and it’s one I never take lightly. My mom sometimes worked as many as three jobs, but honestly, I never remember her not being home.

She kept our house immaculate, she cooks better than anyone I know, she can sew, cross-stitch, and raise a garden. She is grounded in tradition, but she’s loving Facebook. My mom mothered the neighborhood and the people with whom she worked. She’s never met a stranger and she has no enemies. My mother is growing in her faith even in her 70′s. She loves God passionately and boldly and prayed my father and sister back to Jesus. (I’m fairly confident she’s praying for me too.)

My mom rocks!

My mom has taught me what unconditional love and support looks and feels like in a human sense. Regardless of what I’ve done or where I’ve gone in life, one person is always my biggest supporter.

Thanks mom! I love you! Happy Mother’s Day!

Words can never express…

I remember when the boys were at home.

The house was loud.

There were endless hours of them performing “shows” for us. Of course, we had to “love them”.

Balls were constantly flying through the air.

The floor was used as a wrestling ring.

Every night was filled with a practice or ballgame.

We had little “free time” for ourselves.

Clothes were left lying on floor.

The toilets weren’t always flushed.

The boys usually didn’t help around the house unless forced to do so.

They left the top off the toothpaste.

They didn’t want to go to bed on time.

They didn’t want to get up in the morning.

I hated science projects.

They had lots of science projects.

They really did take a lot of our time.

In some ways, they cramped our style.

They certainly altered our plans.

I miss those days.

Still have kids at home?

Don’t neglect the good days.

You’ll miss them.

BTW, tell me about your kids at home. How many? How old? I’d love to pray for them with you!

I have to be honest. I was a reluctant empty-nester. Cheryl and I love our boys and them being at home was one of our greatest joys in life. Walking in the door and being handed a football to throw or a soccer ball to kick was often the best part of my day.

We were intentional as parents and in our marriage, however, so now we are reaping the reward of that intentionality. We raised our boys to be independent and they are doing that well. They still “need” us, but they aren’t dependent on us. At the same time, we protected our relationship, so we truly enjoy our time together…always have…still do.

As hard as it’s been for me to see my boys leave home, I’m now learning to adjust to and actually enjoy being an empty-nester.

Here are 5 joys of being an empty-nester:

Spontaneous living – Cheryl and I can now change plans on a dime. Someone asks us to dinner, but they are leaving “now”…no problem. Suddenly deciding to go out of town for the weekend…why not?

More time for ministry – We are busier in ministry than ever before. Cheryl ministers to multiple women in the church and my ministry in and outside my home church continues to grow. We love serving others and now we have time to do it.

Planned chaos – Cheryl and I live a crazy life, but we have the freedom within that craziness to adjust our schedule as we see fit. When children are in the house, much of your schedule is dictated by their activities. Now, we decide what is going to control our time. We can never anticipate what’s going to happen, but we have the freedom to adjust to it as we choose.

Rekindled relationship - Cheryl and I have always loved our life together. As I said, we continued to date throughout our parenting days, so our relationship remained strong. Now, we are in a new season in our relationship. It’s a good season. We love our time together.

Unbridled future – We keep saying to each other that we can do anything we want. We are free to walk by faith as God leads. It’s a very good feeling. Let’s do it God! What’s next?

Let me be clear, if you have children at home, enjoy them now. You’ll miss them, but if you continue to work on your relationship, and you prepare your children to stand on their own, you’ll one day get to enjoy the blessings of being a joyful empty-nester.

Any empty-nesters out there? What do you like about this season of life?

I’ve met with numerous young leaders recently who want the opportunity to “make it on their own”. I’ve seen it in my own two sons. They want to get their first job without the help of others. They want to stand on their own merits. They want to attain a level of accomplishment without the help of their parents, their parent’s friends, or any connection they didn’t make personally.

I understand. I felt the same way when I was a young leader.

And, I love the ambition. I simply don’t agree with the practice. That’s based on experience it’s taken me years to understand.

My advice:

Don’t try to make it on your own.

For one thing, we weren’t meant to live life alone. We are designed for fellowship, with our Creator and with other people. But, also, it simply doesn’t work.

There is no such thing as a self-made person.

Everyone gains success with the help of others. Failure to realize that leads to false pride.

More than ever before, knowing the right connections can help you accomplish your goals. I’ve told my two boys they will most likely never have a job in their lifetime where they didn’t know someone who helped them obtain it. If that person is your parents, or people your parents know, so be it.

I’m not suggesting you don’t try and I’m not releasing you of responsibility. You are ultimately, under God’s authority of course, responsible for charting your own course. You can’t expect anyone to give you something you aren’t willing to earn.

I am suggesting that you shouldn’t be timid or feel bad about using the connections and networking relationships you’ve been allowed to make or those connections of people who know you and care for you. Those relationships may be as important as any skill you bring to the table.

Does it bother you to rely on help your parent’s offer you?

Here are some things I’ve learned raising boys.

People ask me all the time for advice on raising girls, and honestly, I’ve got some, but they all involve a shotgun and long ankle-length dresses, so you probably don’t want that. Seriously, I always wanted a girl, but I think God knew what He was doing by giving me boys. (Imagine that!) I’m afraid I’d be way over-protective of a girl.

Anyway, one thing I’ve experienced being the parent of boys is that boys are desperate for wisdom, but they are often either timid about asking for it or maybe they just never think to do so. (Someone told me guys seldom ask for directions either, but I’m having a hard time believing that one. )

I’m incredibly close to my two boys…ask anyone…but even still, I’ve observed there is something in them that wants to appear not to need the help at times. Something in a guy resists the need for help, even when they need the help. I wanted the type relationship with my sons where they would always feel welcome and ready to learn from my experience. I’m blessed to say both my boys call me weekly, if not sometimes daily, asking for help making life decisions.

How do you get your sons to want to come to you for wisdom, long after they leave home?

Here was my plan:

Do activities they want to do – I spent lots of time with my boys, but I did that by assuming their interests. If it was baseball or wrestling, I loved and lived what they loved. I know dads who try to get their boys to love fishing or golf because they love fishing or golf. I simply chose my interests around theirs.

Stay close – Boys are growing to become men. They want to be independent. Some days they won’t want you around as much as others. (That may sound appealing for a moment when they are colicky as infants, but believe me you will miss them.) I tried to stay close enough that I was there when they were ready for me. Ephesians 6 says not to exasperate the children. I simply tried not to get in the way, but to always be available when needed. I found I was “needed” more often that way.

Be attentive – Like all men I always had plenty I could be doing. I tried to let the boy’s time be the boy’s time. Children know when you’re not really being attentive. There were times my boys told me I needed to put my phone down. I listened. I wanted them to feel I was listening to what mattered to them.

Offer wisdom more than solutions – I wrote about that in THIS POST, but I tried to help my boys form a paradigm for finding an answer, rather than give them the answer. This way they were able to be independent young men, who wanted to find their own way, but yet they had access to the wisdom of experience.

Love their friends – My boys knew their friends were always welcome in our house. They knew I’d fix them lots of pancakes on Saturday morning. They knew we stocked our fridge with every drink their friends might like, just in case our house was the hangout house for the night. They knew the door was always wide open for anyone they brought through them. We didn’t always approve of their choices in friends, but we talked them through it and tried to steer them towards better friends, but never turned away their choice of friends.

There are probably other suggestions I could share, but if you are raising boys, you probably need to go break up a fight or stop them from jumping off something. We can talk more later.

What suggestions do you have for raising boys?

When you’re having trouble communicating…

When you can’t get children to respond appropriately…

When your team isn’t cooperating…

When the marriage is struggling…

Before you address the problem with the other person…

Ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

First…

What in you needs changing?

In what ways are you contributing to the problem?

How could you communicate differently?

Before you address the problems with others…

Look inside yourself…

Obviously, as a child of God, we start with God, allow Him to examine our hearts and shape us into His image, but in my experience, we often we look at the other person first…and think it’s all about them. I think we have a responsibility to humbly consider our own shortcomings. Many times, if we will look at ourself, we’ll either find the problem or we’ll find a better way to address the problem.

Get to know the person in the mirror…

Before you criticize others…

Could this principle change the way you lead?

As a pastor, I’m consistently asked about disciplining children. I posted on this previously, but decided to revise it some and post again.

There is always special interest in the subject of spanking; whether it was appropriate or not and whether I believe in it or not. While I believe discipline is a personal topic for parents to decide where they land, I do believe there are some principles that are helpful for all parents to follow. I am probably less inclined in this area to talk about what I did and more inclined to talk about the principles I believe are even more helpful.

I have written my basic overall plan for parenting in an earlier post. You can read it HERE. Since I believe the most important thing is that you have a plan for your parenting and where you are taking your children, here are 10 principles I believe can help the discipline part of your plan.

Here are 10 tips for parents on healthy discipline:

Goal set first. Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”  You should understand the reason behind discipline.  You are taking your children somewhere they need to go.

Never discipline in anger. You will say things you do not mean and do things you should not do. Discipline done is anger is rarely productive and usually harmful long-term.

At the time of need for discipline, remember this 3-step process: Stop/Think/Proceed.  The older your child gets the longer you can and may need to take with each step.

Be consistent in your discipline plan. It will mean nothing to the child otherwise.

Pre-think principles, but do not try to pre-plan specifics. You should have some   value-centered, character-based goals you want discipline to promote in your child.  You should avoid declaring what you will do when your child does something specific.  Don’t ever say, for example, my child will never wear his hair long.  You may regret those words someday.

Differentiate discipline for each child. To spank or not to spank should not be as big a deal as what works best for the child. (For more on this see THIS POST.)

Do not make threats with which you are unwilling to follow through. Your children will catch on to that real quick.

Use age appropriate and action appropriate discipline. As a child matures the discipline should mature with them. At the same time, do not overkill a minor incident or ignore a major occurrence.

Always discipline the child for results. Discipline in its concept is not necessarily pleasant, but it reaps a reward if done right.  Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Discipline should never teach a child he or she is unloved. Actually, if done right, it should reinforce the love a parent has for the child. (Hebrews 12:7-10)

If you have something to add about discipline or any specific questions, feel free to comment.

I have a theory I practice often. I’ve been using it for many years…as a leader, father, a friend, and a pastor. It’s not always what people come looking to me for, but I think it’s the best practice.

I don’t always give people answers…

• As a pastor, people come to me for answers…
• As a dad, my boys come to me for answers…
• As a friend, people come to me for answers…
• As a leader of a team, people come to me for answers…

In either case, I don’t always give people answers…

I don’t try to solve their problems for them.

Now, please understand, if there is a clear Biblical answer for their problem or issue, I give it to them, but these are the issues more difficult to discern. These are the career choice decisions, the calling in life decisions, the unwritten answer type decisions.

For those type issues, I probably have an opinion, but I never “have” the answer.

Instead…

I help people discover a paradigm through which to make the decision…

• I become an objective listener…
• I help them see all sides of the issue…
• I share Scriptures that may speak to both sides of the decision…
• I serve as an outside voice…
• I may diagram the problem, as I hear it, so they can see the issue on paper…
• I help them learn to pray and listen to God..

And then I release them to make a decision….

Here is my reasoning…

If I solve the problem:

• I’m just another opinion…and I may be wrong…
• They’ll resent me if it proves to be a wrong decision…
• They’ll never take ownership of the issue…
• They’ll likely do what they want anyway…
• They won’t learn the valuable skills of listening to the voice of God…
• They won’t learn from experience…

My advice:

Don’t always have an answer…

Help people form a paradigm through which to to solve their problems or make decisions…

Are you too quick to have an answer sometimes?

Most of the believers I know have a strong desire to raise their children to be godly; to be passionate followers of Christ.  With two boys, I know the difficulty in completing that task. Years ago, before I even had children, God laid on my heart to develop a plan for my fathering.  Though at the time I didn’t put this on paper, over the years I have begun to write it down in an effort to encourage other parents to have a plan for their parenting in the area of spiritual development.  (I have an overall parenting plan. You can read that HERE.)

This is an outline of my specific plan for spiritual development of a child.  You will need to alter your plan to fit your own goals, life situations, and the individualities of your children.

Here are 10 suggestions for raising godly children:

Realize that raising godly children does not usually happen by accident. It will require proper planning and implementation.

Know what you want your child to look like as adults. Ultimately I want my boys to be like Christ, so He became the primary model I used.

Define what it means to be a Christ follower. For me that definition is one who knows what God requires of him and is willing to do whatever it takes to meet that requirement.

Strive to live like Christ personally. I realized early in parenting my boys that they would each, in many ways, be copycats of me. They must see me willing to live out my own definition of who a Christ follower is and being willing to walk by faith.

Have basic principles of spiritual growth that you want each child to learn.

For me those were:

• How to hear from God.
• What it means to be a student of God’s Word.
• The act of surrendering to God’s will.

Find practical teachings from God’s Word. For my boys, that meant looking at the characters of the Bible and how their lives represented Christ, how they heard from and obeyed God, and also how sometimes they failed.  Reading through Proverbs and Ecclesiastes also helped implant wisdom in my boys.

Individualize teaching time for the child. We seldom did the typical Bible study setting; although that may seem like the easy way.  I looked for teachable moments with my boys; for one boy that was often while pitching a baseball together and for the other it was while kicking a soccer ball. Bedtime was another opportune time for teaching. It is amazing what children will do to delay bedtime, but if the discussion is productive I always felt their character development was most important. Dinner time was another opportunity when we could talk about the things of God.

Be purposeful to talk about the specific character traits you want your child to have. We decided each year what was most important for each boy to learn that year.  I purposively brought up character topics, such as honesty or how to treat girls and discussed it with them during teaching moments when I had their full attention.

Be willing to grow in your own learning of who Christ is. Over the years, my understanding of who Christ is and how He relates to us and the world around us has continually grown. I have allowed my boys to walk through those changes with me.  I haven’t been afraid to let them know I didn’t have answers or that I was wrong.

Pray and trust Christ. I know plenty of examples where parents did everything I have done, yet they haven’t experienced the same results.  I know that only God’s grace can really build godliness and every child has the ability to resist that grace.

I know it is one of my responsibilities as a father to see that this plan is implemented.  I am thankful for a supporting wife who has worked with me to balance my role with her more nurturing role (which she is excellent at completing).  So far our now adult young men are following after God’s heart in their own way.

My role is changing from my boy’s primary influencer to one of a mentor or coach, but I’m thankful for the godly young men they have become.

Do you have a plan for your parenting?

I’m participating today in the Rite of Passage Blog Tour. Follow the rest of this tour HERE.

Rite of Passage is a new book by Jim McBride. Jim is executive producer of Fireproof and Courageous and brings wisdom, experience, and practical examples of ways to bring children through a rite of passage to adulthood. Many people are aware of the Jewish practice of the Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, for example. The reality, however, is that many children today don’t learn how to become adults on purpose; rather, they ride the wave of adolescence toward an unknown adult future.

I am particularly interested in this book, because I took my two boys through a rite of passage experience. (I wrote about it HERE.) Moms, dads, and other perfectly placed adults have the unique opportunity to guide the teenagers in their life toward adulthood. This is not a privilege to be taken lightly, but neither is it an impossible task.

In Rite of Passage you will learn about the journey Jim and his wife have gone through to bless their four children and send them our into the world from a position of approval rather than seeking approval…and you’ll discover how you can do the same.

Find the book on Amazon or learn more about it here and on Jim McBride’s blog. And be sure to join the movement on Facebook.

Have you been this intentional in your parenting?

To help you get started, I’m giving away 2 (two) copies of Rite of Passage. To be eligible:

• Comment on this post…tell me your children’s names and ages. (If you don’t yet have children…just say that.)
• RT or share this post on Twitter, Facebook, or Google+.

I’ll award two random copies in a few days.