Once upon a time there was a church that pleased everyone.

You read that right…everyone.

Of course…

They taught nothing…

They had no pastor…

They had no programs…

They never asked for money…

They challenged no one…

They sang everyone’s favorite song…every Sunday…

No one actually attended this church, but certainly no one ever complained either.

Have you ever been to that church?

(I hope you realize the sarcasm in this post, but if not and and you’re actually looking for this church. I think it’s located next to the pastor that pleased everyone, the song that pleased everyone, and the blog post that pleased everyone. )

How controlling is the environment in which you lead?

That’s a great question, isn’t it?

I’ve previously written about controlling leadership. I tried to help you discern controlling leaders in THIS POST. I shared some ways to confront a controlling leader in THIS POST. And I shared some results of controlling leadership HERE.

But, what about the organization itself? How do you know if it’s controlling?

How well would you say new ideas flourish? Or do they?

You would want to know, wouldn’t you?

But, how do you?

Want to test yourself or your organization?

Ask yourself:

Do ideas determine systems?

Or

Do systems control ideas?

Here is another set of questions with the same thought:

When someone has a new idea, do you adapt, tweak, and create systems to support them?

Or

Do you decide whether or not the idea can survive based on your current systems?

Think about it. In a controlling environment, an idea can flourish only if there are systems to support the idea. In a less controlling environment, they create systems around the ideas…systems to make the ideas work.

Which is most true of your organization?

This doesn’t mean there won’t be ideas that aren’t a fit for the purpose, culture or DNA of the organization.

But, don’t let systems stifle creativity.

Let vision control your ability to move forward…not systems.

How would you discern a controlling environment?

In a previous post, I wrote about the pastor’s spouse’s emotions during a time of ministry transition. You will need to read that post HERE for this post to make complete sense.That post resonated with several who are dealing with that issue. My post was to bring awareness to those emotions, but as I expected, it generated questions.

People wanted to know how…how do they help their spouse transition?

Great question. I don’t have all the answers, but I have some.

Here are 10 ways to help your spouse in a job transfer:

Celebrate what she’s doing – Many times your excitement will seem to diminish what your spouse is doing. I was talking to a young pastor recently who is experiencing great success in his new church. At the same time, his wife is watching their children. I reminded him that changing diapers on the children he loves is just as powerful. He knew that, but he needed a reminder to celebrate that fact.

Help her explore…pace herself – Eventually, she needs to find her own identity. It will take time. Allow her the freedom to do so, even if that means you have to keep the children some so she can.

Don’t lock her into your world – Don’t dictate her ministry. My wife and I our partners, but she is not me. Nor am I her. Her interests and mine are different. That’s okay. It’s actually by design. She makes me better. And, in a much smaller way I’m sure, I make her better.

Listen to her – That’s always important, but even more so in times of stress or change. You’ll be busier than ever. But she will need you…more than ever. Listen. The practice will serve you and your marriage in the days ahead.

Let her grieve – She may mourn over the separation from friends. She may miss the old house. She may complain at times that the supermarket isn’t as easy to navigate. It’s a part of the acclimating process. Give it time.

Be conscious – It won’t be the same. It probably never will be. Her role will be different. Your role will be different. You will have different friends. Your schedules may be altered. Your routines will change. Be conscious that this creates stress in people and relationships.

Be present when home – When you finally get home, be fully home. Shut down. Have some times where you quit everything work related and be with your family. Give your family the attention they deserve.

Celebrate your new area – Explore the new city together. Discover the hidden gems and be a tourist for a while. (I wrote a post about how to acclimate to a new city HERE.)

Keep her informed – She will naturally feel somewhat isolated from your exciting new world. Don’t allow that emotion because you’ve excluded her from it. Make her feel a part of things as much as you can by giving her details of your day. I realize this will require even more patience, but during transition she needs to be even more a part of your day that she missed.

Be patient – It may take longer for her to acclimate to the new environment than you think it should. That’s okay. She’s not you. Don’t expect her to respond to change the same way you would.

Those are my suggestions. If you’re in a time of transition, for the good of your marriage and yourself, be intentional!

Have you transitioned recently? What recommendations do you have?

I was reading a passage the other day and something struck me…

The emotions of betrayal…

Have you ever experienced them?

It helps to be able to count to twelve…

See what I mean…

And when they had entered, they went up to the upper room, where they were staying, Peter and John and James and Andrew, Philip and Thomas, Bartholomew and Matthew, James the son of Alphaeus and Simon the Zealot and Judas the son of James.Acts 1:13

Do you see what I saw?

Count them. There are eleven names. Eleven. Not twelve.

One was missing. For three years there were twelve. They had been Jesus’ disciples. His closest companions. Jesus had invested time, energy and life into them. Now there were eleven. One was missing.

The betrayer…

If you don’t know the story, another named Judas betrayed Jesus. For a hefty sum of money he handed Jesus to the authorities where He was arrested, beaten and crucified. Of course, it was used for a divine purpose, but the fact is one of the disciples betrayed the others and Jesus.

I don’t think I ever considered this before…but what were the emotions of betrayal for the remaining disciples? Did they miss their friend? In spite of his betrayal, he was a close companion on a mission. A team member. There must have been some attachment. Were there moments of bitterness, anger, or rage? Were they sad? Was there one in particular who got hurt most? He was closest to the betrayer, perhaps, (I don’t know…just knowing people and team dynamics I’m asking).

But, that was then and this post is really about you.

Have you ever experienced the emotions of betrayal?

We don’t talk about it much in leadership or ministry, but maybe we should. Those emotions are real. They are heavy. And, they are common.

Have you been hurt by your own betrayer? You trusted him or her. You may have even called them friend. They let you down. Disappointed you. Betrayed you.

Anyone who has served in any leadership position has experienced betrayal at some level. It could have been the gossip started by a supposed friend or a pointed and calculated stab in the back. Either way…it hurts.

Learning to deal with, process, and mature through betrayal may be one of the more important leadership issues, yet we seldom deal with the issue.

How do you handle betrayal?

Here are a few quick suggestions:

Grieve – Give yourself time to process. Be honest about the pain. Don’t pretend it didn’t matter. It does.

Forgive – As much as it hurts, refusing to forgive or holding a grudge will hurt you more than the betrayer. Embrace and extend grace. If there are realistic consequences you can let those occur, but in your heart let it go. It may take time to do this, but the longer you delay the more you are still held captive by the betrayal.

Analyze – It is good at a time of betrayal to consider what went wrong. Was it an error in judgement? Do you need stricter guidelines? Would it have happened regardless? You can’t script morality and shouldn’t attempt to, but you should use this as a chance for a healthy review of the parameters in which the betrayal occurred.

Continue – You can’t allow a betrayal to distract you from the vision you have been called to complete. There will always be betrayers in the mix. They show up unexpectedly. Eventually you will have to take a risk on people again. It’s the only way to lead healthfully.

Have you ever been betrayed?

What would you add? How did you’re forward? Or have you?

When I’m talking to a pastor who has accepted a new position, after I hear the excitement in his voice of what he sees God doing, I almost always ask the same question:

“How is your wife dealing with the change?”

There is usually a pause, followed by an “umm” of some sort, then a statement such as, “She’s doing okay.”

Push a little more (which I usually do) and I’ll hear something like:

“It’s been harder on her than I thought it would be.” or, pushing even further, “I don’t understand why she’s not as excited as I am. She agreed this was what God had for us.”

Many times, when the pastor is honest, the transition hasn’t gone as well for the spouse as for the pastor. It will come in time, but for now, she’s not as excited about the change in positions as he is.

Why is that?

I like to encourage pastors to remember their spouse’s emotions in the process of transition. The new pastor has found his center of gravity and purpose. Most likely the spouse will feel a sense of loss and have to look for hers.

You, the pastor, when you come home at the end of a long day, have something exciting to share every time. Things are moving, changing, challenging you daily. Even on days things aren’t going well…you have drama in your day you can’t wait to share.

Many times, right now, her days look the same.

You come home pumped at what God is doing, so naturally you share your enthusiasm with the one you care to share with the most…your partner in life and ministry.

But, if you’re not conscious of her emotions, depending on her state of mind, she may hear, “My life is exciting. Yours is boring.” Or worse, “My life has meaning. Your life has none.”

Granted, you are not thinking those things and would never want her to think those things, but emotions are high in times of transition. Don’t be surprised if they produce irrational thoughts and actions at times. That’s part of change.

She’s moved from friends and has to learn who to trust again. She is often more relation-centered emotionally, so her heart transitions slower. The roles she held in the church or community haven’t been replaced yet.

You moved forward in your career and passions. Many times hers took a step backward. Or seem to have for now. That will change in time, and she probably knows that intellectually, but emotionally she feels a sense of loss that will take time to replace with a sense of purpose equal to yours.

Granted she is your partner, so she may be excited for you personally as a couple, but remember, she is an individual person, with individual needs for a sense of purpose and accomplishment.

That’s enough encouragement for today. I’ll share more in a future post some thoughts on helping your spouse find her center of gravity and purpose in a time of transition. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, share your stories to help others.

Pastors/Pastor’s spouses, did you have a harder time in a season of transition than your spouse did?

“All I want is a reasonable answer —– then I will keep quiet.” Job 6:24

Job just wanted to know why.

Has that ever been your question?

If you know the story of Job then you know that he is the “poster child” of suffering in the Bible. Job lost everything; his children, his wealth, his health, and even the support of a loving wife. God allowed the Devil to bring suffering on Job to the severest point of pain, stopping only short of taking Job’s life.

That alone has a series of “Why” questions attached to it.

Job just wanted to know why. He simply wanted a sincere, reasonable answer.

You should know Job had lived a righteous life. He was one of the good guys.

Have you ever heard the question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” I am not sure that question didn’t originate with Job.

Job didn’t think sin had caused his pain. He didn’t believe that God was a harsh God. He also knew God as a loving God, so Job knew his suffering wasn’t a result of the meanness of God. As hard as he tried to understand and find answers nothing made sense. There appeared to be no reason.

The fact is, Job’s dilemma is often are ours. We can’t always understand the ways of God. We can try, but there will be situations and circumstances in life that simply will not make sense to us. We can know that God will work all things for good. We can know that He will never leave us nor forsake us, because those are promises He has made. We can even know that nothing will ever separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

We may never know the answers to our questions of why.

Instead of trying to resolve the unanswered questions, I wonder if our goal should be otherwise. I wonder if our goal should be to trust in the God who does understand.

I wonder if the solution is not to question as much as to simply rest in the sufficiency of God. I know. That is hard to do, but over time, as we experience God more, our resolve through the trials of life should become more of repentance and rest and quietness and trust. This is where our strength will be found. (Isaiah 30:15)

Lord; grow us towards total dependence on You through times of life we cannot understand.

Have you ever been in a place where you had more questions than answers?

When you allow someone to help you…

When you are in pain…

When you are in the midst of a trial…

Don’t forget…

It may be therapy for the person who helps you.

We often resist help.

We are too proud. We don’t want to be an inconvenience. We want to appear strong.

But, we ignore the help the helper gains from the helped.

When an injured pastor helps another injured pastor…

It helps him heal.

When a cancer survivor ministers to a cancer patient…

Their heart heals a little.

A parent who lost a child….

Is best equipped to minister to someone who has lost a child.

And, it often gives a slight sense of meaning to their loss.

It doesn’t remove the pain, but it often helps one deal with pain better when they help others in pain.

Those are just a few examples.

You can add many others.

Many times we gain perspective on our pain when we help others deal with their pain.

Don’t be afraid of help.

Opening your life to others…helps.

Sometimes more than you know.

This is a guest post by Bill Blankschaen. Bill Blankschaen is a proven non-profit leader, writer, speaker, and ministry consultant who equips Christians to think, live, and lead with abundant faith. He blogs at FaithWalkers at Patheos and can be found on Twitter and Facebook.

Silence is not always golden. Ministry leaders especially know how easily people can be offended even when they don’t say anything at all. Often it’s more Spirit-led art than science to know when to speak and when to be silent.

But what about when we intentionally choose to not speak up when engaging fellow leaders in our organization? I suspect we’ve all done it at times. We choose to tuck our head in and go silent during the weekly staff meeting. We shut our mouth and stir our coffee when our boss makes a statement we think may be inaccurate. Or we just sit on information that we’re pretty sure someone else should know about.

I confess that I’ve chosen to not speak up more times than I care to remember. To my surprise, I often discovered — sometimes weeks or months later — that I had been right. I should have said something. My silence didn’t help my fellow leaders — in fact, it crippled their efforts. Perspectives that I thought must have been obvious to them, apparently were not. Consequently, my silence didn’t help the organization, and it limited my own growth in the process.

Not good.

So why do we so often choose to not speak up when that little voice within says we should?

5 Reasons We Choose to Not Speak Up

Here are 5 reasons I have found to be pretty common for our choosing to be silent:

We Fear Sounding like a Fool. I confess that this reason is my worst offender. It even sounds Biblical. “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; When he closes his lips he is deemed intelligent.” (Prov. 17:28) But, truth be known, our silence in those circumstances often has more to do with pride than wisdom. Admittedly, getting humbled by stumbling over our words might not be fun. I seem to recall Moses having the same issue. But God often brings humility to us so he can do great things through us.

We Fear Getting Hurt. Let’s face it. When we speak up and put our thoughts out there, we make ourselves vulnerable. We might be wrong. Worse, people might laugh. But leading from a place of weakness may be just what your organization needs. Dick Savidge, President of Ministry Coaching International says, “Leading from strengths invites comparison. Leading from our weaknesses invites community.” The Apostle Paul even noted that he led the Corinthians “in weakness and in fear and much trembling.” Might be worth a try.

We Fear Hurting Others. As Christ-followers, we know we’re supposed to be kind, loving, gentle, tender-hearted and all that. Especially with today’s cultural emphasis on tolerance, it’s all too easy to convince ourselves that we’re being kind by not saying something that might rock the boat. But we’re also called to speak the truth in love because it “causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.” (Eph. 4:15-17) So the truly loving thing is often not silence but truth — delivered in love and for love.

We Fear Consequences. We’ve all been there before. We chose to speak up and got our hand slapped — or our head taken off. So we’re reluctant to go there again. Understandable. Not excuseable, but understandable. Jacob chose to leave Laban in the middle of the night for that very reason. He’d been burned before by his father-in-law and thought silence would be the best option. Yet when Jesus knew full well the consequences for calling the Pharisees a brood of vipers, he did it anyways. Best to fear God more than we fear the people He created.

We Fear Conflict. Abraham kept silent twice when other guys thought his wife was a hot commodity. Twice. Before we deride him too much for his failure to speak up, think about how many times you’ve taken the path of least resistance to avoid a conflict. Harold Kohn wisely noted, “Brooks become crooked from taking the path of least resistance. So do people.” Instead of seeing potential conflicts as negative, choose to see them as opportunities for positive growth in the Kingdom. Don’t fear tension. Embrace it as the evidence of life that it is.

Which of these reason have you struggled with the most as a leader? What other excuses would you add for choosing to not speak up?

Throw away the scripts…

They likely won’t work anyway.

Most of the time.

You can throw away the script in:

Your career.
Your relationship life
Your health
Your finances
Your personal walk with God

Yea, I wrote that…but it’s true.

I know we like scripts.

It’s easier. Less messy. Cleaner…or so it seems. More tidy.

But, scripts just don’t work. Most of the time.

You’ll seldom be able to script how long you work at one place. Just try.

You’ll seldom be able to script your relationships. Specifically, how others respond to you. I know some great attempts that failed.

You’ll seldom be able to script your health. Some of the healthiest people I know got cancer.

You’ll seldom be able to script your bank account. One tragedy and everything could be gone. I have seen it many times.

And, you’re walk with God. You’ll seldom be able to understand all the ways of God. Strive the hardest to please God, follow Him closely, and you’ll still have unanswered questions about why God allows some of the things He allows in your life. Testimony after testimony proves this.

His ways are higher than your ways…remember?

I’m not saying don’t have a plan.

I’m not saying not to set an end goal or destination. That would be dumb.

Yea. I wrote that. Dumb.

It would be. You’ll seldom hit a target you didn’t aim to hit.

I’m talking about the script. The “dialogue” along the way. The journey to accomplish the vision. The details. The way things get done or accomplished. Don’t be afraid when you sometimes have to color outside the lines.

The script.

Throw it away.

I see so many people stress about the details of life…the things outside their ability to control…that they miss the joy in the journey.

When people completely rely on a script, they sometimes fall apart when things don’t go exactly as written. They have a hard time getting back into character.

And, yet, the show must go on…

Things will seldom turn out just as planned. Granted, having a plan helps you adjust accordingly and more easily, so I say have one…I even write posts telling you how…but the script will seldom live up to the paper it’s written on. Certainly not in every scene.

Throw away the script. You’ll stress less when you can’t remember the lines.

I believe in lifetime learning. The best leaders I know are always learning something new.

If you’ve followed this blog long you know I tend to like simplification. Some would say over-simplification. I like information presented in an easy to understand and follow format.

So…if you want to be a lifetime learner…

Here 3 learning environments:

Learning by experience – This is where you learn by doing. It could be during success or failure. Life is a great teacher. You can’t necessarily avoid this one. It happens. You do get to choose your reactions to the experience you learn. Choose well.

Learning by influence – This is where mentoring takes place. It’s gaining insight through another person’s wisdom, often gained by their experience or education. You can easily avoid this one. Ignore help. Dismiss advice or constructive criticism. Or, you can welcome input. Find mentors. Glean from others. Let iron sharpen iron. Choose well.

Learning by education – This can be classroom or text book learning. It may be at a conference or seminar. It’s acquiring more academic knowledge. This is a choice too. Choose well.

That’s the three I’ve experienced in my journey. All three have been vital to shaping who I am as a person, pastor and a leader. I have learned I must be intentional if I’m going to continually be learning in each of these ways.

Which one are you missing most at this time? Do you need to better learn from your own experience? Do you need to find a mentor? Do you need to take a class or start reading more?

I’d strongly recommend you not miss any of the three.

Are there other learning environments I failed to mention?