6 Thoughts for the Pastor’s Wife

Ron.Cheryl

This is another guest post from my wife Cheryl. She’s amazing. (Except she only did six :) )

Here are 6 Suggestions for the Pastor’s Wife:

You aren’t the pastor…don’t try to be

Ever had a church member complain to you about the lack of parking? The worship center is too cold or too hot? The choir never sings their favorite song? Not enough doughnuts (which are actually donated by a church member)? Or, that the sermon should have been about…? And the fact is…if it is something within my control…I’ll do whatever possible to help solve the issue or find someone who can. The problem for me is even when the situation is out of my control I carry the burden…I won’t let it go…it bothers me…continually. I don’t like conflict and want everybody to be happy…all the time!!

I’ve had to realize that there are always some complaints…some issues…that are not within my control and I don’t need to carry the burden as if they are. In our situation…my husband has been called by God and our church congregation to be the pastor…the one ultimately accountable for issues at church. Don’t misunderstand, I believe we equally accepted the calling, but my greatest role in the church is to support my husband…who just happens to also be my pastor.

Find your place…be visible in the church

A friend, whose husband is also a senior pastor, recently shared with me that even though they had been in their current church several years…most of the congregation did not even know who she was. She doesn’t feel a part of the church or even want to be there most Sundays. How sad…not only for my friend and their current church, but equally sad for her husband. God not only calls our spouse…He also calls us. And I fully believe that it is not God’s will for a couple to be pulled different directions. His will is to create unity…oneness…in a marriage. All that to say, I think it is very important for me to be visible…as a supporter of my spouse’s ministry and as his biggest fan. I need to play an active role…fulfilling my God given passion…serving in God’s church. If your marriage is as it should be…the calling is for both of you. You would want to be doing life together. My encouragement is not to live by other people’s expectations, but find your place and learn to love the church. Ask God to give you a heart for the people equal to your husband’s. You’ll also better balance each other better on the good and bad days of ministry that way. (I wrote previously that the role you play should be unique to you.)

Protect your family…above all

Protecting our family is equally important for both spouses. Our children are watching and learning as we model how to handle issues within the church. Being on staff can be difficult at times as you are often exposed more to people’s issues and problems. There are things to share with your family and then there are times for the protection of the other family…or even your own…that it is best not to share. Every family has struggles…and there will be opportunities for you to use situations as teaching moments…but not if it was shared in confidence or will put your family member in an uncomfortable situation.

Be his biggest supporter…his safe haven

Without a doubt, this is one of our most important roles as a pastor’s spouse. At the end of the sermon…or end of the day…our spouse needs to know we are their number one supporter! This is whether it was a good day at church…or a not so good one…whether the church is meeting budget…or attendance is up or down. Our spouse needs to know that home is a safe haven. A place of rest…not to be lazy…but a place to no longer feel the weight of the church…and be loved & respected for their most important role as a husband and father.

Let your hair down…you need friends…yet have to be careful

We need to be careful as pastors’ wives not to build walls of protection around our lives and families’ lives that we don’t allow any one into our lives. No matter your spouse’s occupation…we all need friends. Yet, because our husbands are in the ministry we are often exposed to issues and challenges the church or another person may be facing. We need friends that can be our friends because of who we are as a person…not as an inside source of information. And honestly, I have learned the hard way to be careful who I can “let my hair down” with and who is just pumping me for information. A rule I have tried to strive for is to surround myself with friends who 1) Encourage my relationship with Jesus Christ, 2) Encourage my relationship with my husband and family, 3) Are not afraid to speak TRUTH in love and 4) Enjoy having fun and laughing as much as I do! I need friends like that. We all do.

Continue to grow spiritually…protect your walk

This is the number one most important thing we can do as a pastor’s wife and more importantly, as a follower of Jesus Christ. I NEED to strive daily to grow in my spiritual walk with Christ. It is so easy to get caught up supporting our spouse, raising our family, working inside or outside the home, or even “doing church” business, that we neglect to protect our own walk with Christ. I can’t support my spouse…my family…or our church if I am not striving to grow closer to Christ. A good friend once shared with me that “BUSY” stands for “bound under satan’s yoke”. The enemy wants nothing more than for me to be too busy to do that which is most important. Isn’t that what Jesus shared with Martha? And no one is accountable for my Christian walk but ME! Not even my pastor who just happens to be my spouse!

Those are just a few thoughts on being a pastor’s wife. Any you have to add?

(And, this note at my husband’s request, please be kind in your comments. The last couple of guest posts are simply my opinions, but have triggered a couple of unkind remarks. And, as I said, I don’t like conflict. Plus, I guess that could be number 7…be nice. :) )

7 “Must Do’s” for Long-Term Leadership Success

success

If you want to last in leadership long term and you want to genuinely make am impact that outlasts your leadership, you will have to be intentional. It isn’t hard…okay actually it is hard…but it can be much easier if you are purposeful in your approach.

Here are 7 suggestions for long term leadership success:

Abiding – Sit with God regularly to talk and listen. Do more listening than talking. Learn to take your relationship with Christ into every aspect of your life, not just into your quiet time.

Health – Get sufficient rest. Exercise. As my muscles stretch, so does the mind. Be reasonable in what you eat and drink. You only have one body and you want it to last for the duration.

Friendship – Be accountable. Allow a few people the freedom to speak into your life. Have some relationships that are beyond surface level. Live a transparent life.

Learning – Do it continually. Read. Sit with other leaders. Attend conferences. Continue your education. Learn something new everyday.

Sharing – Spread the load. Learn to be a friend and an expert at delegation.

Investing – Spend energy on the next realm of leadership.

Celebrating – Learn to enjoy the smallest moments of life.

What would you add?

A Word to the Pastor’s Wife…From My Wife

Cheryl

A Word to the Pastor’s Wife…From My Wife:

I love being a pastor’s wife. It truly is whom God has called me to be in this season of life. Everyday is not easy, but when I’m serving as God intended for me to serve, I’m never more fulfilled in life.

That’s why I decided to share this advice to pastor’s wives. (I understand my husband has lots of pastors who read his blog. I hope they will share this with their spouse.)

Here is my advice:

Don’t try to be something you are not…and…Don’t be afraid to be yourself

So often we have a picture in our head of what a pastor’s wife is “suppose” to look like. I did before I was one. Of course, she plays the piano and/or sings in the choir…she bakes the most wonderful desserts…and she is active in every ministry the church and community have to offer…she can quote scripture in every sentence…her marriage is always perfect…and…oh yeah…she is the mother of 2.5 PERFECT children. And the sad thing is…often we (as pastor’s wives) beat ourselves up if we don’t meet all or at least several of these (self-imposed) expectations.

I’m not sure if it is because Ron and I surrendered to the full time vocational ministry later in life, but I soon realized if these were the expectations then I was in big trouble. People closest to me have never suggested I join the choir…I played a bassoon in high school which very few churches have a use for these days…I don’t cook (blessed to be married to a wonderful husband who does!)…I have typically worked full time outside the home…and I still have to use the table of contents in the Bible occasionally (That’s the result of coming to Christ as an adult. Praise God for children’s church.) Yet, God still called “me” to be a pastor’s wife! (And, I’m still wondering why some days.) BUT, I do have to say I do have 2 pretty amazing sons! Nearly perfect as they appear to me. (Can I count my amazing Yorkiepoo puppy as the .5??)

At first, when we were church planters, I wore many hats as a greeter, preschool teacher, baby rocker and clean up crew…just to name a few. Thankfully as the church grew, I was able to invest my time in the areas I was most passionate about…such as greeting and welcoming…and attending services to support my husband. (He says he preaches better when I’m in the room :) ) No matter the church we serve in, my heart’s desire is to interact with as many people as possible to help all feel welcome. And I love hugs…both giving and receiving! Oh yeah…and I love to hear my man preach…even as many as 3 times on a Sunday!

God gives different gifts to different people and I needed to remind myself of God’s truth…that I need to be the person God called “me” to be! It is not always easy saying no to all the church expects me to be, but I have learned that by saying “yes” to what God is calling me to do and…not being afraid to say “no” to other things…allows me the freedom to follow my passions. It also allows God to use others to fill roles they should be doing…that they do better than me. Finally, it allows me to be the best supporter I can be for my husband. (Again, I don’t understand it, but he claims he’s a better pastor because of me. BTW, he asked me to put this line in here.)

Remember…don’t try to be someone you’re not…be the person God has called you to be!!

God’s Word says HIS yoke is easy…don’t let the world convince you otherwise!

Don’t Look Back! Lessons from Lot’s Wife

Remember Lot’s wife! Luke 17:32 NIV

Remember Lot’s wife?

Lot’s wife looked back. She took her eyes off the path of the Lord. She looked back to the world instead of forward to God’s plan for her life.

Prior to God destroying Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham pleaded with Him on the people’s behalf. Abraham bargained with God until it was clear there was no one righteous.

In God’s mercy, He allowed Abraham’s nephew Lot and his family to escape, but He gave strict instruction to them not to look back. Lot’s wife, consumed perhaps with the sin in the city she was leaving behind, looked back and was instantly turned into a pillar of salt.

Jesus told us to remember Lot’s wife.

When we look back, when we fail to see Jesus. We are taken from the blessings and protection that comes from following God exclusively and left to our own defense. Our independence causes us to miss the mercy of God.

Have you been drifting from the truths you know? Have you been wandering in your faith? Have you been neglecting your obedience to God? Have you taken your eyes off Christ?

Remember Lot’s wife today!

When They Talk About Your Husband

Ron.Cheryl

This is a guest post by my wife Cheryl. She’s an amazing pastor’s wife. Every church where I’ve been pastor has loved her…probably more than me. They line up on Sunday to give her a hug. By popular request, she’s written a few guest posts for me (and other pastors and pastor wives.) I’ll share some of them in the coming weeks.

When They Talk About Your Husband

I am frequently asked by other pastor’s wives how I respond when people talk bad about my husband…either to me or to others who repeat it to me. (And they do.) I’ll have to admit…this issue is a tough one for me.

No matter what I was taught growing up-sticks and stones may break your bones but words WILL hurt your heart.

And let’s face it-some people are just mean…even IN the church.

This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with as a pastor’s wife. It became even more evident when we surrendered to full time vocational ministry and became church planters. Our biggest critics and spreaders of untruthful things were people within the church. My husband has to remind me often that these people aren’t the “church”…the church is the body of Christ…He wouldn’t hurt my husband that way…they are just people doing a poor job portraying the church. It is still hard at times for me to understand…after all…aren’t all Christians…those who profess Jesus Christ as our Saviour…on the same team with the same end goal?

But, it happens in the established church too. I know when people are complaining about changes the church is proposing that many times they are ultimately complaining about him…my husband. My best friend. And, it seems so many times they misunderstand his intentions, they don’t know his true heart, and they say things out of their own personal bias, that have little or nothing to do with Biblical truth. (Wow! That was hard to admit…but so true.)

As hard as it is…when others speak negatively about my spouse…even to me…which I’ve never really understood…I have to step back…take a deep breath…maybe two…and remind myself of TRUTH. Every one has an opinion…I don’t have to agree with it or even like it…but it is “their” opinion. My first instinct is to lash out and defend my spouse…and I think there are times when we need to speak truth if the person is willing to hear it…but more often than not I think we are called to realize we live in an often sad world…where it is sometimes easier to be critical of others than consider what might be the motivation in our own heart.

I’ve learned the hard way, I can either focus on the negative and hurtful things said OR I can take the high road and as difficult as it may be at times…choose to forgive and release this person (s) to God. Choosing unforgiveness has a greater hold on me and honestly I’d rather spend my energy elsewhere. I’m not saying it is always easy…I’m just saying I’ve learned the hard way that I am only accountable for “me” and how “I” respond.

Romans 12:18

When it doesn’t make sense…

complaint

People complain.

We went to a restaurant in a major city recently. The only parking available was valet parking. The funny thing was that we drove to the parking lot where we would be valeted. We parked our car, got out of the car, handed the keys to the valet, and watched him drive it about ten feet into a parking space. Then we paid for parking and (felt obligated to) tip the valet.

It didn’t make sense. We didn’t complain out loud. (I’m a pastor, you know.) But, we did complain to each other. And, we heard others complaining.

Sure, the restaurant is good enough and is in a location where they are always busy and can “get away” with it, but it still was frustrating to out of town visitors.

It was a reminder to me in leadership. As much as you can:

  • Eliminate confusion
  • Share the vision
  • Give details
  • Allow questions
  • Answer questions
  • Don’t assume people know
  • Keep it simple and understandable

All that said, that doesn’t meant there won’t be times when you’ve done the best you can to explain and it still makes no sense to people. Leaders have to take people to unknown places at times. But, as best as we can, we need to bring people along to better understandings of the why behind what we are doing.

Because…

When it doesn’t make sense…people complain.

How to Stop Being a People Pleasing Pastor or Leader

Frustrated office manager overloaded with work.

I received this email after a recent post:

Ron,

Have just finished your blog post “7 Casualties of a People Pleaser in Leadership“. I recognize I am a People Pleaser Pastor. How do I turn the tide on this? How do I stop? I am seeing tension mounting on the team. There is frustration on our staff and it is even spilling over to our spouses, and my vision has hit a brick wall. I really want to move away from this but I am finding it most difficult.

Signed,

One frustrated pastor

Here is my reply:

Frustrated Pastor,

I’m impressed with your boldness and honesty.

Here are a few thoughts to get you started:

Get firm again on the vision you are trying to accomplish – It appears you have one, but people pleasing must be more important to you than accomplishing that vision. Not trying to sound harsh, but that’s the reality. We tend to do what we value most. You must begin to value the vision more than making people happy. Make sure it’s God-honoring and God-ordained. When you are leading a church, obviously you want to do the will of God. He gives us latitude I believe, but we want to make sure whatever we do honors Him and gives Him glory.

That vision, though, is what should hold your feet to the fire. If it detracts or doesn’t line up with the vision God has given you, you shouldn’t be as enthusiastic about it…regardless of who brings it to you. That doesn’t mean you can’t say yes to other things, but you can clearly say…”I’m sorry, but right now I’m chasing this vision God has given me.” Imagine the pressure Moses was under as a leader to please the people, but he had to hold to the vision God had given him and not cave to the pressure to always please people.

Get buy in with a team towards reaching the vision – You need a team around you committed to the same defined vision you have. Be careful who you surround yourself with here. Make sure they are people who are not self-serving, can see a bigger picture, and will protect your back should it come to that. You’ll need others, however, that can back you up when you’re tempted to give in and be a people pleaser.

When you recruit them, make sure they understand the vision and are committed to seeing it to completion. Be honest with your propensity to cave to pressure from others. Share with them your desire to complete the vision and given them permission to speak into your life when they see you pleasing people more than accomplishing the vision.

Assign responsibility and timelines – Give people real responsibility towards accomplishing the vision and measurable timelines toward achievement. This is hard for some pastors, but you have to release responsibility for decisions made. This process is vital, because it keeps tasks moving forward and therefore makes it easier and more palatable when you have to say no to other things. It’s hard to argue with success.

I often find it’s sometimes easier for someone closer to a task to say no to something new. For example, if a group wants us to start a new mission somewhere outside our focus area, the people who currently lead our mission efforts are often better at protecting the vision we’ve already set in place than I am. If I let those who lead in a specific area of ministry help make the decisions in their area, we will protect the vision more often.

Allow these same people to hold you accountable to sticking to these determined goals and objectives. You will be less likely to cave to people pressure if you know things are on track to reach the vision. I give people on my team the right to tell me when I’m veering from the vision we have before us.

Discipline yourself – The reality is that if you recognize people pleasing is a weakness in your leadership, you’ll have to discipline yourself away from it. This will take time. It probably has been a weakness for a while now, so don’t expect it to disappear immediately. When you sense you are making a decision purely to please others, give yourself a gut check. Put it in your schema. Tie a string around your finger if needed, but by practice and consistency, recall the bigger picture.

When needed, call in the trusted advisors again. Renew the passion for the vision again. Slowly, over time, you’ll find yourself better able to say no when needed so you can better realize the vision God has placed on your heart.

Those are my initial suggestions. I’m praying for you frustrated pastor, but I’m believing that you can do it. God has called you to it. He will equip you accordingly as you surrender to His will.

Ron

Ever been a people pleaser? What suggestions do you have?

5 Alternatives to Gossip

gossip

This is a guest post by Matt Mitchell, a local church pastor and the author of Resisting Gossip: Winning the War of the Wagging Tongue a new book on a topic about which I care deeply.

***

So, you don’t want to gossip, right? If you’re like me, you don’t want to fall into a pattern of sinful gossip because you know how hurtful and harmful it can be and how much God hates it.

But it’s not always that easy to resist, is it? The Bible says, “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts” (Proverbs 18:8, 26:22). The choice morsels are those little bits of food that are hard to say “No” to and, once swallowed, have a lasting effect on our hearts.

One of the chief reasons why it’s hard to resist gossip is that we often can’t see any alternatives.

I wish I had a dime for every time I’ve heard someone say, “But if we didn’t gossip, we wouldn’t have anything to talk about!” Of course, that is not true. But it often feels as if it is.

Everybody around us is doing it. Talking about others behind their back is fun and exciting. Gossip is juicy and attractive, and it just doesn’t feel like we have a lot of options.

In Resisting Gossip, I dedicate two whole chapters to planning alternative strategies for when we get into potential gossip situations.

Here are five good ones:

1. Say Nothing At All

As the saying goes, “If you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at all.” Silence can be golden. Proverbs 17 says, “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” (17:27-28).

Abraham Lincoln put it this way: “It is better to keep your mouth shut and let them think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” This rule of thumb goes not just for face-to-face talking but also for texting, messaging, emailing and every other kind of communication through which gossip could flow.

2. Commend the Commendable

Often we can do even better than silence. We can say something good. Offer encouragement, commendation, affirmation and approving words. If we are tempted to talk about someone, then we should talk about that person’s good points.

Don’t lie. Do not commend something that is not commendable, but in most situations, we can find something positive to share instead. The next time you are tempted to gossip about someone, talk about how good that individual is. That is what Jesus’ Golden Rule implies. Speak about people in the way you would want them to speak about you.

I get this phrase “commend the commendable” from Sam Crabtree’s book Practicing Affirmation. In one chapter entitled “100 Affirmation Ideas for Those Who Feel Stuck,” Crabtree offers a terrifically long list of options. We can do this!

3. Talk to People, Not About Them

When there is a problem between us and another person, the overwhelming temptation for us is to run to just about anybody other than the one with whom we have the conflict. The way forward in conflict, however, is not to talk about the other person but to talk to the person in love. Jesus says, “First go and be reconciled to your brother” (Matt. 5:24).

Did someone offend you at church? Talk to him about it. Did a co-worker hurt your feelings in a meeting? Bring it up with her. Did your parents’ recent decision mess up your plans? Take it up with them.

Amy Carmichael, a missionary to India in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, had this rule for managing conflicts at her mission station: “Never about, always to.” Conflicts are fanned into flame when we talk about people, but they can be resolved when we talk directly to the person with whom we have the problem.

4. Offer Words of Mercy

Ephesians 4:29 says that our words should build up others “according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Proverbs says, “The lips of the righteous nourish many” (10:21).

I have a friend who is that kind of person. Dan always has something good to say, even when there is not much good to talk about. He’s not afraid to confront someone in love when they are offensive, but he goes above and beyond the call of duty and encourages the people he’s confronting! He’s the first person I call when I have a problem, not just because he is wise but because he is nourishing. He uses merciful words, and people love to be around him. Dan is what I call “a party waiting to happen,” because he’s so full of grace.

You and I don’t have to say everything we think. In fact, we can be merciful because our heavenly Father is merciful (see Luke 6:36). Often we can do better than just staying quiet or even commending the commendable. We can go the extra mile and speak words of grace.

5. Practice Avoidance

Proverbs says, “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much” (20:19). Don’t go near a gossiper. Walk on the other side of the street. Get away from that person. You and I might even need to skip out on some social situations if we know that all we will hear in them is sinful gossip. It might be a sacrifice, but it might also be worth it.

Sometimes we cannot avoid a person who gossips, simply because of our relationship to them. They are our mothers, sisters, brothers, co-workers, and fellow church members. In cases like these, we need to avoid not the person but the topic. We need to redirect conversations, if we can, to avoid the gossip in them. It’s not wrong to push a conversation in a new direction.

That may sound a bit sneaky, but it is really just shepherding a conversation and acting as a leader. The Bible says, “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down” (Prov. 26:20). Just removing the gossip can change the temperature in a room.

Of course, these five strategies are impossible for us to successfully follow without the power of the Holy Spirit. Let’s make it our prayer today that He would navigate us through the treacherous waters of everyday gossip with godly alternatives.

7 Reasons I’m Dumping Delegation

large dumper in action

I’ve always strived to be a delegator. I know I’ve written posts on it before…how to do it successfully…that kind of garbage. But, that’s before I knew the skinny on delegation. So, that’s it. I’m done. No more delegation for me.

I’m dumping delegation for good.

Here’s what I discovered…

7 problems with delegation:

I might appear to be doing less – Everyone knows I’m the leader. What will they think if I’m not the one doing everything?

I will lose authority – Delegation…done right at least…means I give up the right to control. Does that even need an explanation? Seriously?

I will still have to be available – Supposedly you aren’t supposed to dump and run with delegation. So, if I’m going to be involved anyway…I might as well do it. Duh.

Someone might not do things the way I would – And you know my way is best.

It might get done faster and better – Faster is one thing…but better? Who’s got time for that? And, then what am I going to do with the extra time on my hands?

It might expose or grow a new leader – How threatening!

Someone else might get credit – My credit!

Do you see why I’m dropping delegation from my leadership toolbox? Brilliant I say.

What say you? What problems have you discovered with delegation? Ahh…never mind. I’ll answer myself.

(For those who struggle with a weird sense of humor like mine…or for the extremely literal among us…here’s the disclaimer you’re looking for…Is this enough? Hope so, because I’ve technically delegated clarifications of my posts to someone on our team. And, I think they’re off today.)