(I posted this several years ago. It remains one post that I’ve printed more than any other to give to individuals I meet with in my office. I decided it was worth sharing again.)

I want to encourage you to write a letter today (if needed).

In counseling people who are experiencing difficulty in a relationship I have often encouraged them to practice the art of letter-writing. Most of the time I try to help them improve their one-to-one communication skills, but some things are easier and better to express on paper than in person. For example, a letter may be needed when a couple cannot communicate without arguing; when one person refuses to listen to reason or even give the other person an audience, or when one person is so intimidating to talk to that a point is hard to make with them verbally. Some things seem to convey more importance and get closer attention if they are written rather than just spoken.

A letter allows you to think through what you have to say and cuts down on reactionary arguments that come when trying to discuss something controversial. A letter will usually be read several and even many times; further enforcing the points you are trying to make. A letter is harder to dismiss than a verbal conversation. Please note, this is also NOT email. This is letter writing. That requires a paper and pen, or at least a printer and paper. Email quickly becomes an exchange of ideas that can almost be as counter-productive as the verbal communication. It’s too easy to hit the “reply” button quickly with emails. This is usually a near “final straw” kind of approach, so put the time into it that it requires.

I’m not advocating that you avoid personal conversations, but if the situation calls for it…

Here are 10 things to remember before writing your letter:

• Spend as much time praying about it as you spend writing the letter.
• Edit, then edit, and then edit again. (Again if needed.)
• Write with an end goal to benefit the receiver and the overall situation in mind. (This should eliminate some things you probably shouldn’t say anyway.)
• Just as you should do in verbal communication, don’t attack the person; address the issue. Leave personal jabs out of the letter. Try not to start a sentence with “you”. It puts people on the defensive. (This is what editing is all about.)
• Try to express your true heart; not your anger. Remember, you are attempting to say those things, which for whatever reason, you aren’t able to say effectively in person. Don’t lose your audience by “going off” on the person.
• The goal is not to be a martyr; no one responds well to that approach. The goal is to be transparent and communicate effectively.
• Make sure you dedicate as much or even more time focusing on the part you have played in developing a bad relationship or situation. If an apology is needed, give it clearly and completely in the letter.
• Be clear about the points you are trying to convey. Read them back to yourself.This is one of the best benefits of letter writing. You have the opportunity to clearly think through your response; so don’t lose your chance here.
• Before you send the letter, ask yourself: “How would I respond if someone sent this letter to me?”
• If you aren’t certain about the quality of your letter, give these instructions and the letter to someone else (whom you trust) and ask them to read it. Let them tell you how they would respond if they received this letter.

Remember, this is not a miracle cure, so don’t expect immediate results. The person may not respond the way you would have them to and you may not even know they read the letter. You can be assured they will!

I hope you never have to write the type letter discussed in this post. Chances are, however, if you live a normal life there will be a few situations that merit the true art of letter writing. Write well!

Have you seen where a letter helps a situation better than an face-to-face encounter?

I’m off today…

My “Type A” personality says I probably should be working…

I’ve been traveling a great deal lately…

I have work to do…

It’s called catching up…

But I’m off today…

Why?

Because my wife is off today…

And I love my wife…

Here’s the reality I try to live everyday…

If I don’t protect my marriage I can’t help yours…

If I don’t invest in my marriage, I can’t invest in your marriage…

If my marriage is struggling, so will my other work…

In fact, so will every part of my life…

I’m a better pastor when my marriage is strong…

So, don’t work too hard today…

I scheduled myself off…

BTW, be honest: What’s the state of your marriage today?

“You Can’t”

Oh yea?…we’ll see about that…

Cheryl and I hang out together on Saturdays. It’s our favorite time of the week. We do whatever we want to do…together. Many times that involves eating. Our boys say when they are old and boring, they want to be like us…often driving miles just to eat somewhere new or unique.

On a recent Saturday we found a new breakfast place. It was good…not as good as we hoped for…but not bad. We had plans that evening to drive an hour away to an Italian restaurant we had heard about, but never been. In the middle of the day, I told her I was going to eat something…I don’t remember what. She said, “You can’t eat that now. You won’t eat any supper.”

Oh yea?…we’ll see about that…

I didn’t want something to eat as much as I wanted to show her I could eat whatever it was and still eat a full supper.

That’s a simple illustration, but it’s repeated throughout my life. Tell me I can’t and I want to prove that I can.

What is it about me?

Am I alone in this desire to prove those two words wrong?

(BTW, You can’t comment on this post and tell me you’re like me…or that I’m weird. YOU CAN’T!)

I previously wrote 7 Ways to Encourage Your Wife. Several wives (and some husbands) asked for the counterpart. How do you encourage your husband? Fair enough.

I have been guilty of assuming men are simple to encourage, so I had actually written previous posts

If a wife wants to encourage a husband

and

A secret a husband keeps but needs you to know

each involving just one thing to do. You should probably read those posts first, but to keep with the women’s post…

Here are 7 ways to encourage your husband:

Give him a break from sharing details or emotions – Unless the situation demands it or he wants to share them, let him share the basic facts and information in a non-emotional way. It may be all he knows, has observed or remembers. Give him times when “That’s nice” is enough for an answer.

Brag on him – Especially to your friends… Let them know your guy is the greatest! Be sincere, but do it often and make sure he hears you.

Appreciate his interests - If he likes golf…learn a little about the game…enough to encourage him on a good day. If it’s fishing, cars, or football…well…you get the idea… (Bonus points: Give him hobby time – Most men love knowing they have your permission to enjoy a hobby, without wondering if they should be doing something else.)

Understand his work – A man is often more defined by what he does than anything else in his life. Know enough about his work to recognize his accomplishments.

Be available to him – And occasionally without a lot of effort on his part… Remember…you asked…or at least some of you did.

Assure him you’re okay…and he’s okay – On this one, I have to be honest…many times we are left wondering if everything is okay. We can’t read emotions as well as you do, but we know when you’re NOT okay. You can encourage him by assuring him nothing is wrong, even if you can’t process at the time how you feel or “what’s wrong”.

Let him fix something – This is not just with his hands…unless he can do that sort of thing…(I can’t) but with his mind. He’s wired as a fixer. Give him an actual problem to solve…and let him solve it without your help.

I almost said “let him eat steak”, but decided some men may prefer ice cream…so I’ll let you decide that one… You know your husband better than I do!

Men, what would you add to my list? What are some ways your wife can encourage you?

You may also want to read 6 Top Needs of a Husband.

W H A T

I’ve often written this with three steps, but I’ve found something is more memorable if it has an easy to remember formula.

If you are trying to complete a difficult assignment…

When you aren’t certain all parties are as committed as they need to be…

When you are trying to rebuild your trust in a relationship…

Before you commit to a partnership…

At the beginning of an important venture…

Take the WHAT Test

Where Where do you want to go? Seriously talk through the end goal. What do you want to accomplish? Define a win! Make sure this part is very clear up front.

How – How will you get there? What’s the plan? Who is going to do what? Who’s responsible? Who’s in charge? What are the necessary steps involved?

Agreement – Are you in complete agreement with the previous two? This is critical. Don’t neglect this important step. Don’t move forward without this step. Are you sure that you are sure?

Tenacity – Are you willing to pay the price to see it through? Most great ideas fail…not because they weren’t great ideas…but because no one had the tenacity to see them through. Decide on the front in that all parties have a “whatever it takes” attitude. This will save you many headaches and heartaches down the road.

WHAT you are trying to accomplish will seem more attainable when you can pass the “What Test”.

There are dozens of applications for this simple formula, but the point is that strategically thinking through these steps will help protect and build or rebuild the relationship; plus keep all parties from being disappointed.

Does it help you to script things like this to help you remember and apply them?

I wish it never happened to anyone and I hope it never happens to you, but in my job I hear it almost every week. It’s a word we are afraid of, one that can destroy, and certainly one that will break a heart. Sometimes people admit to it, but mostly they deny it.

The word is AFFAIR.

I once thought that word was guaranteed to end a marriage, but after seeing countless marriages put back together and actually strengthened following an affair, I now believe it definitely does not have to be the final chapter of a marriage.

Again, I hope you never hear the word, but if you do, here are some steps to take:

Expect numbness - For the first few days or even weeks you may not feel anything. That’s okay.

Decide where you want to go with the marriage – Do you want to make it work or not? This is something both of you must decide. You will not be able to move forward in any direction until you do. (This may take a week or a month or more, but if you want to save the marriage, you have to make that decision.)

Get counseling quick – This is not an issue you can solve on your own or just ignore. If you intend to save the marriage (which I hope you do) then you will need help.

Get a plan to restore your marriage and work the plan - This will be a difficult, long process, but the results are worth it.

Eventually you will need to forgive your spouse for the hurt he or she has caused you - This is a work of grace, but it is necessary to restore the marriage.

Build safeguards into your life – You will need to learn how to protect your marriage in the future. What went wrong? Where were the holes?

Invest in other marriages – Once your marriage is healthy again and you’ve semi-recovered, you will have valuable experience to help others. Don’t be afraid to let God use you in this way.

This post addresses the offended party, not the one in an affair, but even for you, the word “affair” doesn’t have to end your marriage. I’m praying for those who read this that it won’t mean that for yours.

Feel free to comment with tips, stories, resources, or suggestions of your own.

What would you add to my list?

One of the toughest verses in the Bible to obey is Ephesians 5:31 which says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

The process of blending two very different people is what causes stress to many marriages. In my work with marriages, I’ve identified 5 of the major obstacles to making a great ONE out of two very different people. Sometimes just understanding what obstacles exist and that they are common to most marriages can helps us better learn to see them not as obstacles, but as God-given opportunities to grow a stronger “one flesh”.

The 5 major obstacles I have seen are:

Lack of Biblical knowledge about marriage - There is very little premarital training in churches today or even in most homes that are raising children who will one day marry. When my boys got their driver’s license we sent them to four Saturdays of classes. How much training do most of us get for marriage? The fact is that most of us are somewhat surprised by marriage and we don’t really know how to make it work. We need to do a better job training people for marriage.

Differences in Men and Women - Men and women are designed differently by God; not just physically, but emotionally. We look at the world differently. We process information differently. We expect different things from relationships. We have wrongly tried to equalize everything when it comes to men and women. I strongly agree we need equality when it comes to things like workplace treatment or educational opportunities, but when it comes to matters of the heart, and especially marriage, we better know that God designed a difference in men and women.

Communication Styles - Because of our differences, men and women communicate differently. Men tend to communicate thinking to thinking; while women tend to communicate heart to heart. One of the reasons Cheryl and I might have conflict is because I say things I intend for her mind to hear and it’s received with her heart. We need to remember that we communicate differently.

Outside influences - Every marriage has influences beyond their immediate control, but that have profound and direct impact on the marriage. Some of those influences include:

• Children
• In-laws/other relatives
• Friends
• Pressures of life/stress
• Devil

All of these are normal influences in any marriage. Some of them are even welcome influencers in the marriage. The key is not to let ANY of them distract from the plan God has for the marriage to become one flesh.

Differing Goals/Objectives - Remember every couple is made up of two unique, differently designed individuals. That means each one brings unique qualities, personalities and opinions to the relationship. Again, that’s part of God’s overall design to make two people one.
Some of the major differences include:

• Outlook on life; usually one is more positive and one is more negative.
• Differences in family backgrounds
• Personality differences Introvert/Extrovert; Thinker/Feeler; Organized/Disorganized
• Parenting Objectives

The overall goal of marriage is not to make both parties in the marriage like one of the parties.  It’s to make ONE new unit out of the two. Discovering how to blend one flesh out of two different people takes years and requires practice, patience and lots of hard work. Remembering that differences are a part of God’s plan and can actually help us build stronger marriages.

Remember also that God didn’t promise this would be easy. In fact, the very next line after the difficult verse I shared in the opening of this post says, “This is a profound mystery” (Ephesians 5:32). If you are married, praise God for the mystery He gave you today.

What other obstacles have you seen to having a great marriage?

Are your children a bridge or a wedge in your marriage?

Wedge:

Many parents allow children to be a wedge between them. They have separate discipline policies, differing goals for the children, and different methods of communicating with the children. They talk negatively to the children about the other parent and force the children to take sides between the parents. Some parents use the children as a tool to get even with the other parent. Other parents use the children as an excuse for a bad marriage.

Bridge:

Cheryl and I used our children to bridge our relationship. Obviously couples talk about children naturally, so we used that time to dream together, plan for our parenting, and escape for our personal time. Our two boys became a glue that continually brought us back together. We never gave our boys an answer on major issues until we talked about it together first. We refused to let our boys pit one of us against the other. We didn’t always agree at first, but our boys didn’t know it at the time and it forced us to come together on a decision, which in turn helped strengthen our marriage.

Are your children a bridge or a wedge in your marriage?

I’m not a perfect husband…

I’m not a perfect husband…

I’m not a perfect husband…

I would write that 100 times, but I think you get the message and I’d probably lose most of you at number 27. That’s the average number of times you’ll read the same thing. (I just made that up… )

But, I’m not a perfect husband…

I have learned a few things and I continue to strive to be a better husband. I know, for example, that part of my happiness is found in Cheryl being happy. That’s not a “if momma ain’t happy…nobody’s happy...” joke…it’s a reality. I love my wife enough that I want her to be happy.

Obviously, I can’t control all the things which happen in a day for her. I can’t stop people from being rude to her as she drives to work. I can’t help the co-worker who is having a bad day to take her bad day out on Cheryl. I can’t stop the pressures and stress Cheryl will encounter by being a pastor’s wife or by being a friend, mother, daughter, sister, or husband.

All I can control is the way I respond to Cheryl and the things I do that encourage her happiness. I have found that just as I strategically think for my ministry, I should strategically think how to encourage my wife.

Here are a few ways I try to encourage Cheryl:

Send flowers…When they aren’t expected - This seems so trivial, but I honestly have to remind myself to do this. Flowers on a special occasion are nice, but I have found the ones she enjoys the most are sent on the days she’s not looking for flowers. (This could be something besides flowers if your wife isn’t into flowers that much, but I’ve also discovered many of the practical-minded women who say they don’t want flowers actually love receiving them occasionally.)

Reserve a day…just for her – I do this every Saturday. I let few things interrupt this day and none without consulting with Cheryl first. You may not be able to do this once a week and it may not be for a full day, but it should be consistent enough that she can anticipate it. During the times when life is most stressful and you are pulled in different directions, these reserved times give her something to look forward to and reminds her you’ll “catch up” soon.

Give a gift…that keeps on giving – This idea is brilliant, I must admit…but I love to give a gift that takes a while to receive. When the boys were at home and getting away was more difficult, I would give Cheryl a trip for Christmas every year. We would take the trip in May. I would usually pick a location, request brochures, and give them to her as her “big” gift at Christmas. We had months to plan for it, which built positive emotions leading up to the trip and then anticipating the next Christmas trip. (Plus, many of these expenses were paid outside the Christmas spending frenzy, which helped our budget.)

Be a responsive listener – I realize whenever Cheryl says something there is usually a deeper meaning, so I listen for the deeper meaning. I try to understand her thought process.(Girls, guys really do talk in simpler facts, which makes it more difficult for us to understand you sometimes.) Instead of dismissing what Cheryl said, because it wasn’t clear or assuming I know what she’s saying, I ask questions for clarification when needed. (Don’t argue this one guys…Just do it.)

Give her details – Okay, I know, this will hurt…just being honest, but it shows your love for her. Again, I’m not the perfect husband here. (Do I need to write that again?) I’m getting better at allowing Cheryl to ask me questions and I’m trying to tell her when I’ve told her everything I know. I realize details are more important to her than to me. (This may be opposite for you and your spouse.)

Listen without fixing – This is my toughest, but just last week I did this. I hope she caught it. I am a fixer. I fix problems everyday. Give me a problem and I’ll be quick to race to a solution. I realize that many times Cheryl simply wants my ear…not my expert insight

Brag to others – Let your wife hear you bragging about her to other people. She’s wonderful, right? Let her know you recognize it. Of course, this should be genuine, but I know Cheryl appreciates hearing me affirm her to others. (And Cheryl is wonderful…you heard it here first )

Guys, your list will be different from mine, because your wife is different. Some of them will be the same. The point of this post is to encourage you to think strategically about how you can encourage your wife. (So…where is your list?)

Ladies, help us men… We are slow sometimes…

What would you add to my list? How could your husband encourage you?

And remember: I’m not a perfect husband…

You may want to read 7 Top Needs of a Wife.

Ladies, here’s a secret your husband probably won’t share…

He needs your unconditional respect…in fact…he needs you to be his biggest fan…

Your support feeds his God-given ego…

Sure, that ego can be abused…

But just as you need his unconditional love, he needs your unconditional respect…

I realize you nor he is capable of perfectly fulfilling those individual needs…

But at least you know the secret now…

You see…

Doing well for the woman he loves is perhaps one of the greatest goals in a man’s life…

That inner desire starts at a very early age…

The little league ball player who turns around to see if mom watches him bat…

The same little boy who brings a flower (weed ) home to mom…it’s the respect he’s seeking…

The truth is sometimes a guy feels as if he doesn’t measure up…actually a lot of times…

(Please don’t tell him I told you this…)

He feels the weight of being wonderful in so many areas…his home, his family, his work…even in his hobby…

It’s a pressure men carry internally…mostly never sharing it with anyone…

Chances are that fear of failure is his greatest fear…

He sees you doing so well with all your responsibilities…the home, the kids, relationships…

Even your walk with God shines brighter than his sometimes…okay…most times…

You handle things so well, in fact…at times, he’s tempted not to even try…

(Please don’t tell him I told you this )

One time after preaching…Cheryl said nothing…

Usually she says “Great job today”…or…”That was a good one”

That day…nothing…

3 days later…I asked, “Was I that bad?”…

I needed her positive feedback and encouragement….it’s what fuels me…

Your husband does too…

I know that sounds shallow of us…perhaps it is…

But…

Here’s the best part of the secret….

If your husband feels respected in his home…he will do anything to keep it…

Maybe even start doing the dishes….brag on him when he does that too…

Maybe next will be the dusting…nah…don’t push it!

Next time your little boy…I mean big boy…is up to bat…make sure he can turn around and see you smiling…

(This is a revised version of a post I did a couple years ago, and a light-hearted way to address a serious issue I see in many marriages.)

For more of my marriage advice, go HERE.