I was listening to “She Believes in Me” written by Steve Gibb and sung by Kenny Rogers the other day. I was on the treadmill, had my iPod on shuffle, and it was the song that played. Years ago I used to share that song on marriage retreats I led. Contained within it is one secret…one principle…that can dramatically change, maybe even save, a marriage.

I know, one song right?  But, I’m fully convinced it can.

Here are the lyrics, in case you don’t remember them: (The bold emphasis is to make my point.)

While she lays sleeping, I stay out late at night and play my songs
And sometimes all the nights can be so long
And it’s good when I finally make it home, all alone
While she lays dreaming, I try to get undressed without the light
And quietly she says how was your night?
And I come to her and say, it was all right, and I hold her tight

And she believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world
With my little songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, find a way…

While she lays waiting, I stumble to the kitchen for a bite
Then I see my old guitar in the night
Just waiting for me like a secret friend, and there’s no end
While she lays crying, I fumble with a melody or two
And I’m torn between the things that I should do
And she says to wake her up when I am through, 
God her love is true…

And she believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world
With my little songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, while she waits… while she waits for me for me!

End of song.

That’s it. 

Did you catch it? It’s pretty simple. I’ve written about the principle before HERE and HERE, but the principle is simple. Inside the heart of every man is a desire to be respected, especially by the one he loves. When a man feels that high level of respect, he will do just about anything to earn it again…so he goes “on trying faithfully.”

I know. The woman needs respect too. I know also, if she’s not receiving the love she deserves, it will be much harder for her to respect. I get that. I completely understand. It doesn’t even seem fair to suggest what I’m suggesting…respecting anyone who doesn’t deserve respect. It would almost be like telling someone to love someone who doesn’t deserve to be love or forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve forgiveness. That’s radical talking.

I can’t help, however, pointing out something I’ve seen improve many marriages. When the woman makes even slight changes in how she respects…in the way she says things…the language she uses…the genuineness of her admiration…something changes in the man…something good.

And who knows…maybe on some special night…if his song is right…he’ll will find a way, while she waits… while she waits for him…

By the way, Cheryl, thanks for believing in me…even when I don’t believe in myself.

I have to be honest. I was a reluctant empty-nester. Cheryl and I love our boys and them being at home was one of our greatest joys in life. Walking in the door and being handed a football to throw or a soccer ball to kick was often the best part of my day.

We were intentional as parents and in our marriage, however, so now we are reaping the reward of that intentionality. We raised our boys to be independent and they are doing that well. They still “need” us, but they aren’t dependent on us. At the same time, we protected our relationship, so we truly enjoy our time together…always have…still do.

As hard as it’s been for me to see my boys leave home, I’m now learning to adjust to and actually enjoy being an empty-nester.

Here are 5 joys of being an empty-nester:

Spontaneous living – Cheryl and I can now change plans on a dime. Someone asks us to dinner, but they are leaving “now”…no problem. Suddenly deciding to go out of town for the weekend…why not?

More time for ministry – We are busier in ministry than ever before. Cheryl ministers to multiple women in the church and my ministry in and outside my home church continues to grow. We love serving others and now we have time to do it.

Planned chaos – Cheryl and I live a crazy life, but we have the freedom within that craziness to adjust our schedule as we see fit. When children are in the house, much of your schedule is dictated by their activities. Now, we decide what is going to control our time. We can never anticipate what’s going to happen, but we have the freedom to adjust to it as we choose.

Rekindled relationship - Cheryl and I have always loved our life together. As I said, we continued to date throughout our parenting days, so our relationship remained strong. Now, we are in a new season in our relationship. It’s a good season. We love our time together.

Unbridled future – We keep saying to each other that we can do anything we want. We are free to walk by faith as God leads. It’s a very good feeling. Let’s do it God! What’s next?

Let me be clear, if you have children at home, enjoy them now. You’ll miss them, but if you continue to work on your relationship, and you prepare your children to stand on their own, you’ll one day get to enjoy the blessings of being a joyful empty-nester.

Any empty-nesters out there? What do you like about this season of life?

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

Here are 7 reasons I love my wife:

She loves God more than she loves me – I love her faith and commitment to Christ. She challenges me in my spiritual walk. She consistently shares her faith with others.

She laughs when no one else laughs – She gets my jokes and thinks I’m funny. Ladies, you have no idea how important that is to a man.

She knows how to love – No one loves people like Cheryl loves people. I’d bet money on that if I were a betting man. The odds are out of this world. Cheryl especially loves her family.

She invests with everything – Cheryl is a giver. She gives her entire heart and being. If you’re in her life, you’ve most likely been a reciprocate of her generosity and thoughtfulness.

She is my partner – Cheryl loves doing anything with me. Anything. I don’t always understand it, because her mother or friends would probably be better at picking out the home decor, but she would always choose me even for things like that. I like this about her.

She’s got my back – If you want to see the sweet, gentle, kind Cheryl get upset, just say something negative about me (or the boys). She has a strong side and it’s seen best with her defending someone she loves. It’s comforting knowing, regardless of how difficult my life and ministry might be, that Cheryl is always in my corner.

She respects me – In marriage counseling and teaching, I always share this as a man’s greatest need. It’s commanded in Ephesians 5. I wrote about it HERE. Cheryl does this like a pro. I can honestly encourage the women in my church to follow her example here.

These are 7 reasons I love my wife. Happy Valentine’s Day Cheryl!

Of course, there are many more, but you knew it had to be 7 reasons didn’t you? Actually that it is great Biblical number.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Why do you love your spouse?

When you’re having trouble communicating…

When you can’t get children to respond appropriately…

When your team isn’t cooperating…

When the marriage is struggling…

Before you address the problem with the other person…

Ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

First…

What in you needs changing?

In what ways are you contributing to the problem?

How could you communicate differently?

Before you address the problems with others…

Look inside yourself…

Obviously, as a child of God, we start with God, allow Him to examine our hearts and shape us into His image, but in my experience, we often we look at the other person first…and think it’s all about them. I think we have a responsibility to humbly consider our own shortcomings. Many times, if we will look at ourself, we’ll either find the problem or we’ll find a better way to address the problem.

Get to know the person in the mirror…

Before you criticize others…

Could this principle change the way you lead?

It’s simple…but oh so important to remember…

It’s a principle true in leadership and life

People don’t know what they don’t know

It’s hard to hold an employee accountable for something they never knew

You can’t expect your spouse to remember things you never told him or her

It’s hard to be disappointed no one comforted you in your pain if they didn’t know you were hurting

Your child can’t live up to a standard you never set

People don’t know what they don’t know

If you want them to know…don’t assume they do…tell them

I found this video from CBS News and, as a counselor, agreed with much of what the two “experts” were saying. I still haven’t answered the question for myself. Watch the video then tell me what you think.

(The video will start after a short commercial.)

Share your thoughts

I’ve been counting down the most popular posts written in 2011. The funny thing is, this post was a revised post from a few years ago. It was a most popular post that year. It’s a powerful concept for spouses to understand.

Here’s A Secret Your Husband Keeps but You Need to Know

Ladies, here’s a secret your husband probably won’t share…

He needs your unconditional respect…

in fact…he needs you to be his biggest fan…

Your support feeds his God-given ego…

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING

Merry Christmas!

It has been a great year for the Edmondson’s.

We spent our first full year in our downtown condo. We love it. When weather and schedules cooperate, we walk downtown at night and through the campus of Austin Peay State University (our Alma mater and the fastest growing university in our state). We even dine on campus some nights. You can’t beat $14 for all you can eat for two of us! We love sitting on our front porch, which overlooks the river walk. At Christmas time, we can see the lights and hear the music. It’s been a great change of pace for these new empty-nesters.

Did I mention I haven’t mowed a lawn in over a year?

Jeremy and Mary had a beach wedding in May. It was a beautiful day surrounded by close friends and immediate family. It was the most special wedding I’ve ever performed. The happy couple…they really are very happy together…live in downtown Nashville, where they, too, overlook the river, as well as Titans stadium. Jeremy has proven to be a hard worker and is doing well in his new career in marketing and social media. Jeremy and Mary love Pete Wilson‘s Cross Point Church in Nashville and are active in their community group.

Nate has a year left at Moody Bible Institute. He will graduate a semester early next December and then plans to attend seminary. We are exploring those options now. Nate spent the summer studying with Moody in Europe. He experienced Germany, Italy and Switzerland and made memories that will last a lifetime. He is blessed to work with Jarrett and Jeanne Stevens at Soul City Church in Chicago, where they have given him multiple opportunities to serve. Nate did the music and production for a Christmas album this year. It’s free. I wrote about it HERE.

It’s a blessing to know your children continue to love the body of Christ and remain active in church when they leave home. I’m thankful for those who are investing in them.

Cheryl and I remain extremely busy in ministry and life. We joke that we truly live an “abundant” life. We aren’t still long, but God is giving us incredible opportunities for Kingdom-influence during this season. This year our ministry opportunities have grown within Grace and beyond. We do not want to waste a minute of what God wants to do with our life!

This Christmas, I realize I’m blessed far beyond what I deserve. I’m happily married to my best friend, we have children who honor Christ with their life, and we have enough material things that we have plenty to share with others. This has been a good year.

There have been years it was harder to write those words, but I’m just old enough to know, whether good seasons or bad, God is in control, He has a plan, and all things truly do work for an ultimate good.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Sometimes I get angry…or to Cheryl it looks like anger.

Your right to cry is my right to be angry!

It’s usually not a major issue, it could be a car that pulls out in front of me or a reaction to a ballgame. Sometimes it’s even disappointment in myself, but at times I have to remind Cheryl that I have a right to be angry…or at least to express the emotion I feel, which to her looks like anger. (It’s usually not what I would even term anger…maybe frustration…but my definition and hers might differ.) I have as much right to feel my emotions of anger, as Cheryl has a right to cry.

Let me be clear. I have rarely been angry at her. Thankfully that has only happened a couple times in our marriage, but as a man, I have as much a right to be angry as Cheryl has a right, as a woman, to cry. I don’t usually express emotion in tears. Instead, the same emotions that Cheryl feels when she sheds tears are often expressed by me in what appears to her to be anger. Anger in its simplest form is an emotional release as a reaction to a situation; much like crying. (As some women have pointed out to me before, this can be personality driven, so the roles can be reversed in a relationship also.)

Please don’t misunderstand. My right to express anger is never an excuse to throw things, hit someone, or even be verbally abusive. I never have that right. You don’t either. None of us should allow our emotions to turn into times of violence. There is never an excuse for that. Learning to control our emotions is a key to establishing healthy relationships. (If your emotions are uncontrollable then I encourage you to seek help. Addressing serious emotional problems for the male or female is not the purpose of this post.)

In Ephesians chapter four, it is clear that we should not sin in anger. We are also told not to go to bed in anger, and, thankfully, Cheryl and I have a commitment not to do that in our marriage. Further, in the same passage, we are told to get rid of anger. The passage, however, clearly allows a place for anger in our lives.

The dilemma between couples is not to limit a person from feeling, or even expressing, emotions. Bottled up emotions are dangerous. The real issue is to better understand the differences in our makings and learn to adapt who we are in a mutually submissive response to each other. In my relationship with Cheryl, as an example, when I get angry at something when I’m with her, which is again often my natural response to things that upset me, I must control that anger to keep it from becoming harmful to our relationship. I still reserve the right to feel and express the emotions, just as Cheryl has the right to cry when she is upset while in my company. The goal in any relationship is to create a healthy environment where both parties are free to be emotionally open with each other, while maintaining the strength and integrity of the relationship.

In order to accomplish that, I have to guard against my emotional expressions causing a wedge between us. Most women don’t like to see anger displayed. When a man gets angry, even with controlled anger, the woman may feel threatened, intimidated and uneasy. That’s a natural reaction to a misunderstood emotion. Two things need to happen, therefore. First, Cheryl has to understand when I’m angry, it’s an emotional release, that may or may not be aimed at her, but is normal for my wiring. Second, I need to limit my emotional release to the point where her understanding can process my emotions. When I cause her to shut down in fear, for example, because of what she views as anger, then I’ve crossed the line in what is an appropriate emotional release.

What needs to be equally understood is that the same thing often happens to a man in reaction to a woman’s tears. When Cheryl, or any woman, begins to cry I immediately shut-down, become defensive; perhaps even a little afraid. I don’t know how to respond adequately to a woman in tears, just as most women don’t know how to respond to a man in his displayed anger.

This is a paradox that exists in the male/female relationship because we are so different. It is part of the mystery that in the end causes attraction between the two sexes. This post is also not an excuse for a person’s refusal to mature in areas such as growing in patience or offering forgiveness. As we mature, our emotional highs and lows should flare less about things that matter less. (Explaining all that would need another post.)

The next time your man gets angry at something, give him time to unwind, help him process through it if he wants you to, but let him be a man. Guys, let your wives cry without trying to fix the thing she is crying about! Then, both the man and the woman should use the experience to learn from each other and have a stronger, more emotionally open and healthy relationship.

I’m fully confident this post will cause some anger to raise among my women readers. That’s okay. I can handle anger. Just please, don’t cry!

You may now want to read:

5 Tips in Communicating with Men

5 Tips in Communicating with Women

(Also, read the comments to this post. I’ve expanded some thoughts there.)

Cheryl and I went on our first cruise recently. It was the Giving Rocket cruise with my good friend Casey Graham. We went because we love Casey, we needed a break and we always wanted to try a cruise. It was a Royal Caribbean cruise and sailed to the Bahamas and a private island.

I’ve heard people say they could never try a cruise. Some of the same people say they would never try a bed & breakfast. (I wrote about why you should HERE.)

After my first cruise, here are things I liked and things I didn’t…

Things I like:

Eating – I got 2 entrees every night…just because I could.

Forced downtime – I’m almost never still. It’s not in my nature to truly relax. (I do take a Sabbath, but my idea of “resting” is to do something I want to do…such as something productive. )

Price – You can get a nice vacation for a reasonable amount of money. There are great deals on a cruise. (This is in spite one of my things I didn’t like.)

Things I don’t:

Limited access to Internet – Can we not speed up satellite connections?

Motion sickness – I understand that our first night was unusually rough at sea. Our ship had to alter it’s schedule to accommodate the weather. I was sick. After the first night, however, I was fine.

The “extras” – I’d rather a cruise simply tell you how much the price is, include everything in it, and know on the front end what the total cost is going to be. I’m sure there are cruises that do that, which are obviously more expensive, but I’d like to try one.

Overall, it’s a great experience and we will take another cruise.

Have you been on a cruise? Where’d you go? What cruise line?