7 Tips for Healthier Marriage Communication

happy couple 2

Healthy marriages are built on communication. Almost without exception – if you improve communication you improve the marriage. A couple with poor communication will have a difficult time building a successful marriage.

By the way, every marriage could stand to improve in this area.

Here are 7 tips for better communication in marriage:

Be a good listener

You can never expect to grow in your communication until you learn to truly hear one another. Ask yourself – have you been listening lately – really listening? Good listening takes time and effort – and usually a muted television.

Timing is important

Don’t try to address major issues when the other party is distracted. Set aside time to address important topics. Know when to speak and when to listen. A good question here – do you need to be silent more often? Maybe you need to not try to solve the problem today and schedule a time next week to really talk about things which matter.

Never criticize the person

You can address actions, but when you attack the person, defenses rise and communication fails. Every time. Again, ask yourself, are you being critical of the one you are supposed to be building up? Does your spouse feel valued by you?

Be willing to give each other credit for differences

And, there are so many.

Men, you can’t talk to your wives as you talk to your guy friends. She is more tender hearted – understand there is almost always a deeper meaning attached to what they are saying.

Women, if you want your husband to understand something you must say it in a language he understands – which is usually simple – straight-forward. Men don’t as easily read subtleties or between the lines.

Keep emotions under control when trying to communicate

When the female starts shedding tears or the males anger rises, even though both can be natural responses for either person, communication is hindered. Wait until the intense emotions calm, then address the issue. But, definitely address the issue.

Work for prompt resolutions

Don’t let issues linger too long. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. The longer an issue lingers, the harder it is to address. Do you have some issues you need to address now which you’ve been building in your heart as angst against your spouse? The enemy loves to use these as a wedge between couples.

Be willing to humble yourself and forgive

Marriage is hard – people make mistakes. Marriage must be free flowing with continual grace and truth. Are you holding a grudge you need to release? This is not an excuse for bad behavior and we should always strive to do better, but at some point for the marriage to move forward there may need to be forgiveness.

What tips can you share? What has improved the communication in your marriage?

For more help for your marriage, click HERE.

5 Steps to Discern a Change in Ministry Assignment

Time for Change - Ornate Clock

How do you know when God is closing one door in ministry and opening another?

I get this question a lot and have previously addressed it, but recently I have received it more frequently so I decided to update this post.

Several times in my ministry, first as a layperson and since then in vocational ministry, God has called me to leave one ministry and begin another. It can be a scary place to face the unknown, yet know that God is up to something new in your life. As with most posts I wrote, I share out of my own life experience. It’s the best framework of understanding I have.

I think it is important, however, to realize God uses unequaled experiences in each of our lives. Your experience will likely be different from mine. There was only one burning bush experience we know about in Scripture. At the same time, there are some common patterns I think each of us may experience, while the details remain unique.

This has been the process that I have experienced as God has led me to something new.

Here are 5 steps in discerning a change in ministry assignment:

Wonderful sweet success

Each time the door of a new opportunity opened it began opening (looking back) when things were going well in my current ministry. In fact, people who don’t understand the nature of a call (and some who do) have usually wondered why I would be open to something new.

Inner personal struggle

I usually have not been able to understand what God is up to, but there is something in me (and usually in my wife at the same time) where I know God is doing something new. While I do not know what it is, and not even if it involves a change in my place of ministry, I know God is doing a new work in my heart about something. Almost like the king in Daniel 4 who needed an interpretation, I know there’s something out there but at the time I can’t discern it. (I’m glad I have the Holy Spirit though to help me.)

Closeness to Christ

Brennan Manning calls it a Dangerous love of Christ. During the times leading up to a change of ministry assignment I will be growing in my relationship with Christ, usually in new depths of trust and abandonment. Again, looking back and I can see this clearly, but at the time I usually am just enjoying the ride and the closeness to Christ. Many times God is giving wisdom to share with others and (looking back) I can see that some of it was actually meant for me.

Opportunity presents itself

The opportunity often seems to come from nowhere, but with multiple experiences now I can see the pattern that has occurred each time. It is only after these first three experiences where God brings a new opportunity my way. This is probably because my spirit must be totally aligned with His Spirit in order for me to trust the new work He calls me to, because, again, it usually comes as a surprise. I have yet to be completely “ready” for the next step in my journey with Christ, because it always involves a leap of faith on my part, but this process prepares me to be ready to say “Yes Lord – Here am I – send me.”

I surrendered to God’s call

After I receive confirmation in my spirit, review the journey God has had us on, and Cheryl and I agree on where God is leading, I have yet to refuse the next assignment. I have certainly delayedy response, wrestled through the difficulty and comsulted many advisors, but never refused. That does not mean it is easy to leave my current ministry, but it has always been most rewarding to know we are in the center of God’s will for our life.

A special word to the spouse:

Cheryl has never been “ready” to leave friends in our current ministry, but she has always lined with me in knowing God was calling us to a new work in our life. I wrote about that tension from the spouse’s perspective HERE.

Have you shared these experiences?

What other experiences have you had that have led you to step out by faith into a new adventure with Christ?

4 Expectations Which Can Injure a Marriage


Is your marriage struggling?

I do not at all mean to oversimplify your problems – there is always more to it than what is immediately visible – but, sometimes, in my experience, there may be a problem with expectations.

Expectations are critical for the success of any good relationship – especially in a marriage.

If you have false expectations you will have trouble in your marriage – and, in every relationship of your life.

Here are 4 expectations which can injure a marriage:

Unspoken expectations.

When the couple never lays out their expectations in the marriage one spouse or the other will be disappointed at some point. A lot of couples assume they are on the same page until a problem arises where they find out otherwise.

I have found this especially true with upcoming life ventures. Parenting, as an example. Couples naturally assume they will discipline the same way. They don’t.

The more you can communicate your expectations the better prepared you will be to face life as it comes to you – or as you are living it.

Unclear expectations.

When the couple thinks they’ve communicated expectations, but they didn’t use language the other one could understands there will be problems in the relationship. Everyone communicates differently. Expectations must be clear. And, many times they have to be tested before we understand them.

I have sat with couples who thought they made things clear – or thought the other spouse surely “read their mind”. It’s important to ask questions, such as, “What I hear you saying is _____. Did I understand correctly?”

Unmet expectations.

When the couple had clear expectations – everyone understood them – they’ve even been tested – but, one spouse isn’t holding up their end of the deal – there will be trouble in what was once paradise.

I borrowed from a cliche, because marriage isn’t necessarily always paradise. It certainly should be, however, a relationship where trust is unquestioned. Commitments made in a marriage should be kept at the highest level possible.

Unrealistic expectations.

Some couples have expectations which are impossible for the other spouse to meet. Our spouse is not our savior. They are not perfect. They can’t read our minds. They will make mistakes.

Great marriages major on grace and forgiveness, because we all need lots of it.

How are you doing with setting and keeping expectations in your marriage?

By the way, these 4 are true in other relationships also.

5 Ways You May Be Destroying Your Marriage

couple in distress

How does a once good marriage fall apart?

I get asked this question when it becomes public a marriage everyone thought was rock solid falls apart.

As the song goes — It’s a slow fade. A good marriage doesn’t deteriorate overnight. It diminishes gradually.

There are probably lots of reasons. There are usually a few common causes in my experience.

Many times couples are destroying their marriage – and, most times, it’s not intentional and they didn’t even know it was occurring. So, let me address this to those who may be in a season – or an upcoming season – where a good marriage is in jeopardy. (Satan loves those seasons.)

Here are 5 ways you may be destroying your marriage:

Other interests come between you.

Typical dangerous scenario: The couple hasn’t been communicating well, life is stressed, and suddenly a friendly voice or a pretty smile says an affirming word at the office. Happens everyday.

It could be a relationship – even good relationships like children or other friends – or a hobby, or work, but something gets a higher priority than the marriage. There was probably once a time when the two of you could “take on the world”. Nothing could come between you. You were inseparable. But, other things began to grab one or both of your attention – slowly, over time. Outside distractions will destroy a good marriage.

(I have also seen solid couples who once were so committed to the church. It was a stabilizing place for them. They found their friends there and their weekly encouragement. Gradually they get off track and are infrequent attenders at best. It provides a whole for the enemy.)

Are there distractions coming between you and your marriage?

Unresolved conflict.

Every couple is different – and every individual. I have found there is often one who doesn’t mind conflict and one who runs from it. There may be one who little things to bother and one nothing seems to phase. (Drawers continually left slightly open or clothes on the floor can prove to be a major problem if never addressed.) And, there are all kinds of combinations in between. But, when conflict develops at some point it must be addressed. Hidden pain never disappears on its own. And, many couples simply don’t know how to address conflict. (Get help if you don’t.)

Conflict left unattended sometimes sits like it never existed. But, oh it did. And, it does. Someone is holding on to it. Trust me. And, the longer it sits the deeper the wedge it causes. Someone reading this may be allowing an injury from years ago to continue to haunt you. Your spouse may not even know the hurt is still there.

The couple stops dreaming together.

When a couple is dating they have lots of dreams together. They discuss their future. They dream about where they will live and travel. They dream about family and adventure. It’s an energy which fuels the relationship. When it stops. The fuel it brought stops.

Many times we get so distracted with life stuff – the kids, work, paying the bills – it becomes all we have to talk about anymore. Those things we once dreamed about are replaced with current demands. This is natural, but it can de-fuel a marriage.

When is the last time you spent time talking about the future – your future as a couple?


I’ve long said this is one of the leading causes of marriages unraveling. Couples quit dating – quit laughing – quit having fun together. They get caught in the routines and busyness of life. Boredom sets in and the closeness they once shared begins to drift. The enemy love this and suddenly one or both spouses seek excitement elsewhere. Dangerous.

Do you remember when you once couldn’t wait to see your spouse again? You were newly involved and they were the first person you thought about in the morning and the last person at night? What was it about them which captured your attention about them? Chances are it’s still there – you simply haven’t noticed in a while.

When is the last time you belly laughed with your spouse? When was the last time you remember the marriage being “fun”?

Living separate agendas.

It’s okay to have separate identities. It’s okay to have separate interests. I would even encourage it. It keeps things interesting. But, it’s not okay to have separate agendas. The agenda of a marriage should be two very different people blending those differences into one. When this is not happening — the strength of the marriage will slowly — or quickly — fade.

Is it time to get back on the same page with each other? We have found sometimes (many times) we need to set aside time – just the two of us – to reconnect and get realigned with where we are as a couple and where we are going.

It will take intentionality on your part – and granted on both of your parts – to address these issues. But, a good marriage is worth the effort.

I’m praying for your marriage — as I continue to pray for mine. Stand firm.

This One Song Can Dramatically Improve Your Marriage

Still In Love

She Believes in Me” written by Steve Gibb and sung by Kenny Rogers has the power to improve your marriage.

Wow! Is this is misleading statement designed as a catchy phrase to get you to read a blog post?


I’m not saying I’d never do something like it, but I’m not this time. I promise!

And, granted, the song itself can’t improve your marriage. Listen to it a thousand times and your marriage may not be any better.

But, it’s the principle within the song, which if applied, I’d come close to guaranteeing it will work.

Years ago I used to share that song on marriage retreats I led. Contained within it is one secret – one principle – which can dramatically change, maybe even save, a marriage.

Here are the lyrics, in case you don’t remember them:

(The bold emphasis is to make my point.)

While she lays sleeping, I stay out late at night and play my songs
And sometimes all the nights can be so long
And it’s good when I finally make it home, all alone
While she lays dreaming, I try to get undressed without the light
And quietly she says how was your night?
And I come to her and say, it was all right, and I hold her tight

And she believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world
With my little songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, find a way…

While she lays waiting, I stumble to the kitchen for a bite
Then I see my old guitar in the night
Just waiting for me like a secret friend, and there’s no end
While she lays crying, I fumble with a melody or two
And I’m torn between the things that I should do
And she says to wake her up when I am through, 
God her love is true…

And she believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world
With my little songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, while she waits… while she waits for me for me!

End of song.

There it is. 

Did you catch it?

It’s pretty simple. I’ve written about the principle before HERE, but the principle is simple. Inside the heart of every man is a desire to be respected, especially by the one he loves. When a man feels a high level of respect – from anything or anyone, he will do just about anything to earn it again – so he goes “on trying faithfully“, as the song says.

I know. The woman needs respect too. I know also, if she’s not receiving the love she deserves, it will be much harder for her to respect. I get it – I really do. It may not even seem fair to suggest what I’m suggesting – respecting anyone who doesn’t deserve respect. It would almost be like telling someone to love someone who doesn’t deserve to be loved or forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

It’s radical talking. (Of course, Christians are called to love and forgive radically – just a reminder.)

I can’t help, however, pointing out something I’ve seen improve many marriages. When the woman makes even slight changes in how she respects – in the way she says things – the language she uses – the genuineness of her admiration – something changes in the man. Something good. He wants more of it.

And who knows, maybe on some special night, if his song is right, he’ll will find a way, while she waits, while she waits for him.

By the way, a note to my wife Cheryl: Thanks for believing in me – even when I don’t always believe in myself.

The Emotions of a Pastor or Leader’s Spouse in Times of Transition

man woman talking 2

When I’m talking to a pastor or other leader who has accepted a new position or is in a time of transition – after I hear the excitement in their voice of what they see God doing – I almost always ask the same question:

“How is your spouse dealing with the change?”

There is usually a pause, followed by an “umm” of some sort, then a statement such as, “She/He seems to be doing okay.”

Push a little more (which I usually do) and I’ll hear something like:

It’s been harder on him/her than I thought it would be.”

Pushing even further, I might hear, “I don’t understand why he/she is not as excited as I am. We agreed this was what God had for us.”

Many times, when the leader is honest, the transition hasn’t gone as well for the spouse as for the pastor. It will likely come in time – if given time – but for now, the spouse is simply not as excited about the change in positions as the one who made the change in career is.

Why is this?

I like to encourage pastors and other leader to remember their spouse’s emotions in the process of transition. The person who moved to a new opportunity has found their center of gravity and purpose. Most likely the spouse will feel a sense of loss and have to look for theirs. It takes time.

Often a new pastor, for example, comes home at the end of a long day and has something exciting to share every time. Things are moving, changing, challenging them daily. Even on days things aren’t going well – they have drama in their day they can’t wait to share.

Many times, right now, the spouse has days which look the same.

You come home pumped at what God is doing, so naturally you share your enthusiasm with the one you care to share with the most – your partner in life and ministry.

But, if you’re not conscious of your spouse’s emotions, depending on their state of mind, they may hear, “My life is exciting. Yours is boring.”

Or worse, “My life has meaning. Your life has none.”

Granted, you are not and would not think those things – and would never want your spouse to think you do – but emotions are high in times of transition. Don’t be surprised if they produce irrational thoughts and actions at times. This is part of change.

Your spouse moved from friends and has to learn who to trust again. They may even be more relation-centered emotionally. Their heart may transition slower. The roles they held in the church or community haven’t been replaced yet.

You moved forward in your career and passions. Many times hers took a step backward. Or, at least, seem to have for now. This will change in time, and the spouse probably knows this intellectually, but emotionally they feel a sense of loss which will take time to replace with a sense of purpose equal to yours.

The key is to remember your spouse is an individual person, with individual needs for a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Failure to acknowledge this and be sensitive to it is not only unfair it can damage the relationship and slow the process of acclimating in the transition. 

In a future post, I’ll share some specific thoughts on helping your spouse find their center of gravity in a time of transition. Stay tuned.

20 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife this Weekend

Rear View Senior Man and Woman Couple Walking Holding Hands

Men, want to show you’re wife she’s loved this weekend?

Let me offer a few suggestions:

Give her the best time of your weekend.

Do something with her you know she enjoys – even if it’s not your favorite thing to do.

Share a dessert with her. (Ouch! This one hurts me personally. I don’t usually share desserts.)

Take a long walk together and hold her hand.

Fix the bed, take out the trash, or pick up your clothes – without being asked. (Or whatever it is you know she would love if you did.)

Genuinely listen to her without trying to fix anything.

Give her a few hours with no responsibility – none. (Even the kids.)

Brag on her to your friends. Make sure it’s genuine and make sure she hears.

Go to a coffee shop and play 15 questions. I have a list of them HERE.

Tell her your deepest fears and greatest dreams.

Leave her notes around the house.

Write down 10 reasons she’s the woman of your dreams.

Leave a sweet voicemail on her phone telling how much you love her. (You can leave one at work, too, for her to get when she returns.)

Cook dinner. And, then do the dishes.

Book a date night for later this week. Take care of ALL the arrangements.

Pray for her out loud.

Ask her advice.

Say, “I love you”. Unsolicited.

Make her belly laugh.

Dream with her about your future together.

Any ideas you would share?

7 Ways to Earn and Keep Respect as a Husband

close up potrait of Asian senior couple on bright green background

I’ve written before about a man’s greatest need.

It’s respect.

We may not even admit it out loud, but I’d say it’s true most every time. You may even use another word – perhaps even the word love, but I suspect if we could trace how you’d prefer it be demonstrated to you we could easily translate it to respect.

The song says “All you need is love”, but it’s not exactly true, is it? We need respect. It’s a man’s greatest need. I’m convinced.

If I’m right – (And, I always wonder why else God would command it in Ephesians 5?) – then it makes sense you’d want to earn it and if you ever received it you’d want to do your best to keep it.

How can you? Let me share a few suggestions.

Here are 7 ways for a husband to earn and keep respect:

Defend the family.

Most every wife I know wants a husband who will defend the family. This not just against the bumps in the night, but against the blatant and subtle attacks against the family. Turn the television channel. Close the laptop. Say no to friends who distract the family from being healthy. Don’t let family time be disrupted by everything the world has to offer. Demonstrate by your actions – how you calendar your time and what you value personally – you believe in and want to protect your home.

Be gentle.

Men, you can’t talk to your wife with the same tone as you might your guy friends. Being gentle means being understanding in how she is wired and how to communicate with her. Remember your words can be heavy. Think before you speak. Protect her heart. Learn to be a good listener.

Be occasionally romantic.

This one is hard. Let’s face it – most of us are not wired this way naturally. Our wives know it. It’s no longer a surprise. The good news is we get credit for trying, but every woman needs to know you think about her unlike you think of anyone else. Be intentional to be occasionally a romantic. Surprise her. Spoil her as often as you can. Make her feel special. She is.

Don’t fix her or all her problems.

This is one of my hardest I see what appears to be a problem and I naturally rush to fix it. But, our wives are not broke. God made them different on purpose. Don’t always have the answer to every problem. She isn’t always looking for one. She mostly just wants someone to listen, care, and value her right to feel as she does in the moment.

Let her know you’re in this relationship – for keeps.

You’ll do this one by being faithful. Do the right things, even when you aren’t with each other. Don’t let her see your eyes wandering. When she does (because we are visual and she notices when you look) quickly let her see you fighting temptation and focusing on her alone. Guard your heart. Build appropriate accountability in your life. (For me personally, this includes allowing Cheryl access to my calendars. She appreciates knowing where I am during the day. It makes her feel a part of it.)

Learn to listen.

I’ve alluded to it already, but one way she measures love is with attention. She knows when you’re listening and when you’re not. Show her that you care by listening carefully. Ask her questions, such as, “So are you saying…?” just to show her you’re paying attention and comprehending. She probably speaks in more subtleties and less black and whites than you do – most women do – ask questions when you aren’t sure what she means rather than ignoring her. And, listen for the meaning behind what she says as much as what she says.

Tell her and show her you love her.

Value her for more who she is than for what she does. Ask yourself, if she didn’t do anything for me, what would I love about her? Tell her. Do things you know she appreciates without being asked. Continually demonstrate love to her and she will continually respect you.

It should be noted this is not a guarantee to anything. Every spouse is unique and responses differently. This is simply intended as a possible help. But, when in doubt, ask for help. There is nothing wrong with seeking wisdom from a counselor or friend with more experience. A good marriage is worth it.

The WHAT Test – A Simple Strategy to Think Through Level of Commitment

Asian business people team drawing on white wall whiteboard with sticky notes creative real office

The WHAT Test.

Over the years, I have found numerous uses for this simple strategy of thought. The WHAT Test is an acronym of steps to force you to think through how committed everyone involved actually is to a project, relationship or goal. It doesn’t ensure success, but it can help you avoid the disappointment of not having thoroughly thought about the agreed upon direction and level of commitment before you begin.

Here’s The WHAT Test:Where

Where do you want to go? It sounds simple, but it’ serially not. Many times when one person is ready to celebrate success another thinks you’re just getting started. Talk through the end goal. What do you want to accomplish? Collectively define a win. Make sure it is very clear up front where you want to go and how you will know when you’ve “arrived” at your intended destination.


How will you get there? What’s the plan? What are the steps to get us to our goal? Who is going to do what? Who’s responsible? Who’s in charge of what? What are the necessary steps involved? This is where you ensure there is a strategy in place.


Are all parties in complete agreement with the previous two? This is critical. Don’t neglect this important step. Don’t move forward without knowing everyone is on board. Many times we agree to a vision on the front end and have reservations once the actual strategy is in place. It’s good to renew agreement before proceeding.


This may be the most important one. I always ask: Are you willing to pay the price to see it through? This is almost a covenant agreement type step – and may even involve an actual covenant. Most great ideas fail – not because they weren’t great ideas – but because no one had the commitment to see them through. This can be especially true when relationships are involved. Decide on the front end all parties have a “whatever it takes” attitude. This will save you many headaches and heartaches down the road.

Obviously, each of these have multiple layers to them, but this exercise always seems to shake out some of the initial reservations which may not have been spoken and avoids some of the personal obstacles which may otherwise occur.

Let me give you a few examples of when I’ve used this:

  • Working with a couple trying to rebuild their relationship – could be after an affair or serious breach in trust has occurred.
  • Prior to attempting a difficult project or assignment.
  • Before a business partnership is formed.

At the beginning of any important venture – Take the WHAT Test

WHAT you are trying to accomplish will seem more attainable when you can easily pass the The WHAT Test.

There are dozens of applications for this simple formula, but the point is strategically thinking through these steps will help protect, build or rebuild relationships – plus help all parties avoid disappointment.

12 Things We’d Probably Do If We Had a Perfect Marriage

Portrait Of Loving African American Couple In Countryside

I don’t have a perfect marriage. I have a good marriage. We work at it. We are intentional. I would even say we have a really good marriage – but, it’s not perfect.

It isn’t perfect, because our marriage – probably like yours – is a work in progress. And, the real reason we don’t have a perfect marriage is because there are two imperfect people in this marriage – just like in your marriage.

But through years of counseling and working with hundreds of marriages in distress, I have a few thoughts on what it would take to have the perfect marriage. I’m not saying we will ever get there. You won’t either. But, having a standard to push for, and then actually pushing for it, always seems to make me better than I am today.

Of course, it takes two people working for the same goal. Doesn’t it? Many of you know this all too well. It’s always sad to me when one person gives up on the challenge.

But, all I know to advise people to do is your part. I’m trying to do mine – some days are better than others. Cheryl is trying to do her part. (She does hers better than I do mine.) But, some days for her are better than others. Again, it’s a work in progress. Hopefully, two hearts will be joined together more and more into one heart if each of us strive to do our part.

But, what if I had a perfect marriage? What is the goal worth striving to achieve?

Here are 12 things we would probably do if we had a perfect marriage:

Neither of us would ever go to bed angry. – I’ve learned over the years if a couple goes to be angry, they wake up angrier. And, tension builds. Clearing the slate each day – being “okay” with each other as we go to sleep – helps us start each today together rather than apart. We may not agree on everything, but our hearts are heading in the same direction.

We would always consider each other’s interests ahead of our own. – The Bible says to do this, right? And, imagine the power for the marriage when both parties obey the command?

We would invest our best time, apart from our time with Christ, in each other. – The world demands a lot from us. Outside demands can pull us apart if we aren’t careful. If the marriage were perfect, we would never let anything come between us or steal our most precious time.

We would love Christ deeply and model His love for each other. – I’m a better person when I’m full of Christ’s presence. Cheryl is too. Jesus on the inside – working on my outside – changes who I am to the world – and Cheryl.

We would protect each other’s heart – above all things. This Proverb is so true. So profound. So life-giving – and if not adhered to – can be so damaging. When the heart is injured it impacts everything else in our life.

We would value one another more for who we are than what we do. – It’s easy to get caught up in what we do for each other does or doesn’t do. And, while this is important, and each spouse should pull their own weight, when this is the primary focus we often forget the value the other person has to us apart from those things.

We would always honor each other with our words. – In a perfect marriage, we would always strive to build each other up and encourage one another. We would remove negativity about each other from our conversations. The goal would be to use words to bless the other person, never to destroy.

We would listen to each other – genuinely. – So many problems in a marriage are simply communication problems – where one person isn’t really listening. We don’t ask questions to make sure we understand. We misread intent. We illustrate value to another person when we truly care what they have to say.

Our prayers would be more for each other than for ourself. – We all get caught up in what we want or need God to do for us. When we focus our prayers on our spouse, it’s amazing to see how God honors them. He seems to love humility.

We’d encourage each others dreams. – A perfect marriage would be made up of two cheerleaders – each cheering for the other person to succeed.

We would never take what we have together for granted. – It’s so easy to do, isn’t it? We fall into routines – even bad habits – and we forget the love we have for one another, the way the other spouse blesses our life, what we would be missing without them. We can get so distracted by life we fail to realize the value our spouse adds to our life.

We would remind each other often all the reasons we married. – Because, it’s good to hear again, isn’t it? We all like to know the person we married cares, they love us unconditionally, and – if they had to do it all over again – they would without reservation.

There’s my list. I’m sure there are many others – if we had a perfect marriage.

Which of these do you most need to incorporate into your marriage? Maybe if we – I – just worked on one of these at a time we’ have – I’d have – an even better marriage than we have today.

What would you add to my list?