I’ve seen a lot of conflict in my life. From parents and couples in my office for counseling to employment situations where two people can’t get along. I’ve even seen a fight in the grocery store because someone thought someone else cut line.

As an observer, I’ve learned a few things about facing conflict. Primarily, I’ve observed that the way one person responds often determines the way the other person responds. That makes sense, doesn’t it?

When you are backed into a corner and facing potential conflict you can come out fighting, or you can be smart about it, plan your response, and help turn the situation for good.

In fact, the secrets of facing the fire of conflict should be elementary.

Here are 3 steps when backed into a corner:

Stop

Stop and think. What is the best approach? What do you really want to accomplish? Based on that, how should you respond? The opening moments are always critical in any conflict. You can quickly back someone or yourself into a corner. Cornered people move into a self-protection mode, fail to react rationally, and the sense of what’s best is lost. It requires practice, but take adequate time to plan the best way to approach the other party. It may require you being silent when your prone to speak, but this one step often avoids much of the unnecessary and unproductive conflict. (As an example, Jesus took time to make a whip before driving the money changers out of the temple. John 2)

Drop

Drop the right to win. When you come into a potential fiery situation with a have-to-win attitude you cloud your ability to work for the best results. Self-centeredness always gets in the way of healthy conflict. Be humble and agree that you are going to do what is best, even if that means you don’t get your way. This doesn’t mean you give in to the other party, but the goal in conflict should not be to win personally, but to reach the best solution for everyone.

Roll

Roll out the best approach. I realize it takes two or more people to make this happen, but when one party is willing to do the first two it makes accomplishing the best so much more likely. Go into every potential conflict with a humble desire for the best solution to be accomplished.

Avoid an unnecessary fire. Don’t come out swinging.

Stop, drop and roll.

Be honest, how are you at holding your tongue when needed?

When you are leading people…

When you are introducing change…

When you want people to follow…

When you want buy-in to the plans…

When you want to build or maintain momentum…

When you are experiencing growth…

When you are experiencing decline…

Don’t bother with the what…

Unless you share the why…

People won’t hear the what as well unless they know the why…

You’ll face resistance…

They’ll be separate agendas…

The vision is clouded…

The motivation is absent…

Paint the why…as you share the what…

Be honest, are you less likely to want to do the what if you don’t know the why?

When you’re having trouble communicating…

When you can’t get children to respond appropriately…

When your team isn’t cooperating…

When the marriage is struggling…

Before you address the problem with the other person…

Ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

First…

What in you needs changing?

In what ways are you contributing to the problem?

How could you communicate differently?

Before you address the problems with others…

Look inside yourself…

Obviously, as a child of God, we start with God, allow Him to examine our hearts and shape us into His image, but in my experience, we often we look at the other person first…and think it’s all about them. I think we have a responsibility to humbly consider our own shortcomings. Many times, if we will look at ourself, we’ll either find the problem or we’ll find a better way to address the problem.

Get to know the person in the mirror…

Before you criticize others…

Could this principle change the way you lead?

There are some characteristics which set a great leader apart from mediocre leaders. Great leaders are multidimensional. While continuing to improve, great leaders have achieved certain markers in leadership.

Here are 7 marks of a great leader:

With humility, surrendering your way when it’s not the best way

With intentionality, continuing to learn and grow as a leader

With compassion, considering the needs of others ahead of your own

With integrity, never separating character from your definition of quality or success

With passion, the ability to rally a team and articulate the path to victory

With vision, seeing things other can’t see or are afraid to pursue

With strength, having the discipline to follow through on commitments

I’m not claiming all great leaders excel in each of these areas, certainly not that I have, but there should be a certain level of accomplishment, a progression towards each of them or at least a desire to do so…to be a great leader.

What markers did I miss?

A youth pastor emailed me recently. He’s frustrated that his pastor continually caves into pressures of a few leaders in the church. They are not supportive of the youth ministry, even though it’s the fastest growing area of the church.

The complaint they have? The ministry is costing far more than it brings into the church. Young people are coming to the church in growing numbers, but without their parents. Young people don’t usually contribute to the church, so it’s causing an issue with some of the deacons. The pastor was involved and supportive in the expansion of youth ministries and the church is financially sound, but a few deacons consider it an “unprofitable” ministry.

The pastor’s solution? Cut back on the youth ministry expenditures to keep the deacons happy.

I’d love to tell you this is an isolated issue, but I’ve written about these type situations before. Obviously, I don’t have all the facts, but based on what I do know, it sounds like the pastor is a weak leader.

Have you ever known a weak leader? They’re usually easy to spot.

Here are 7 signs of a weak leader:

Runs from conflict

Hides all flaws

Never admits a mistake

Quick to pass blame

Pretends to be in control

Shies away from difficult decisions

Appeases critics and complainers

What would you suggest this youth leader do?

Have you ever worked for a weak leader? Do you have any to add?

To succeed as a leader you need to succeed at character, commitment and competence.

Character – Character is who you are when no one is looking. It’s your level of honesty and integrity, and the way you deal with pride and humility. Character admits personal failure, isn’t fake, and has genuine concern for others. Character determines who will trust you enough to follow you.

Commitment – Commitment is what keeps you going when everyone else is quitting. That’s what leaders do. Leaders spur momentum in times of trepidation. Leaders take people where there know they need to go but are afraid to do so or don’t know how. All leaders will sometimes slip and fall, but a committed leader gets back up, searches for the light at the end of the tunnel, and moves forward again. People follow leadership with commitment.

Competence – Competence is the wisdom to know when to say what needs to be said and when to do what needs to be done. A competent leader is always learning, whether through books, conferences, or other people. It’s being willing to learn even from those one is supposed to be leading. It’s not knowing all the answers, but knowing the importance of bringing the right people to the table of decision. Competence is gained by experience, over time, where the leader can exude confidence others are willing to follow.

Recently I tweeted the subject of this post: To succeed as a leader you need to succeed at character, commitment and competence.

I instantly had a great reply from one of my Twitter friends:

@RonEdmondson David failed in character, Peter failed in commitment and Moses failed in competence. God shows Himself strong in our weakness.

My answer:

Great point. But all of them succeeded in their area of weakness too…in the end. David recognized his failure, Peter renewed his faith, and Moses delivered on his calling. With God all things are possible.

To succeed as a leader you need to succeed at character, commitment and competence.

Can you add a “C” to my list? What makes a great leader?

This is a guest post by Ben Lichtenwalner. Ben is a technology executive with a passion for servant leadership. His blog, ModernServantLeader.com, is a platform for spreading servant leadership awareness, adoption and action. You can follow Ben on Twitter at @BLichtenwalner.

Here are Top 5 Business Professional Confessions:

Pastor, I am a businessman and have confessions to make. I also want you to know that, while I do not pretend to speak for all peers, I suspect many business professionals have similar struggles. So please, listen carefully. While you may have heard these before, they are relevant to many in your flock.

Confessions of a Business Professional

I confess that…

I Fail as a Steward:

I routinely call it, “MY team”, “MY budget” and “MY success”. I know all we have is granted by God and we’re put in each role for His purposes. Yet I think too highly myself, believing I, alone, am accountable for the success. I need your sermons on stewardship to go beyond tithing and speak of what stewardship also means in the workplace.

Titles Matter More Than They Should:

I know it should not matter, but it matters to me what my peers think. As soon as I made “Manager” I wanted “Director”. Now I am Director and want “Vice President”. Not because I want to serve the organization more, but because I want to impress others. I need you to remind me the only title that matters is “child of God”.

I Miss Opportunities to Share the Good News:

Working in a secular field, I forget my role as lay minister. Worse, I let our lawsuit-happy culture scare me from sharing my faith. I could use practical advice like responding to “How are you?” With “Blessed” and finding unique ways to share my beliefs while being reminded of the call to share Good news.

I Don’t Practice Sunday’s Lesson on Monday:

Sunday is great and your sermons I love. By Monday morning though, I no longer remember the lesson. Worse, when I do remember it, I may forget the applicability in the office. I need tools and tips to remind and reinforce your lesson throughout the week.

I Fail to Treat Colleagues as Children of God:

Corporate politics and vanity cause me to forget that colleagues are brothers and sisters in Christ. I often perceive colleagues as competition for the next promotion or industry recognition. Instead of collaborating, I find myself second-guessing the motives of others and placing myself in a defensive position. I need lessons on dealing with difficult people as Christ would have us love them.

I know my colleagues and I have many more confessions. However, I am definitely a repeat offender of these top five and see the same in others. Thank you for listening to me. Please pray for me and my peers. I look forward to your next sermon.

Question: What common business professional confessions did I miss?

This is an encouragement to those who are limping in leadership.

The truth is, the best leaders I know have a limp of some nature. It may not be a literal, physical limp, or even visible, but if you are around them long, they will display remnants of a previous injury.

They may have had a failure that crippled them for a season. They may have messed up. They may have made a mistake. They may have lost their way. They may have even been tempted to quit, but they pushed forward, never to be the same again.

With that in mind…

Here are 7 ways to lead well with a limp:

Don’t hide it – There is most likely a younger leader around you who feels they’ve lost their way…or will some day. They need your guidance. They need your encouragement. They need to see by example they can get up again and move forward.

Don’t be a martyr – No one enjoys a complainer or someone who is always making excuses. You suffered a failure. You had a setback. You made a mistake. Don’t wallow in your misery forever. It’s not an attractive characteristic in leadership.

Allow it to strengthen you – Allow your limp to make you a better person and leader. Let you limp strengthen your leadership abilities, even if it’s learning what not to do next time.

Be empathetic – Always remember others are limping too. If not now, they will be. They’re finding their way, just as you did.

Learn valuable lessons – Most of us learn more in the hard times than the easy times. Most likely, you will also.

Remain humble – Rahab of the Bible never lost her title as a harlot, even in the faith chapter (Hebrews 11). It reminds me that the past is my past. A great leader never forgets where he or she came from.

Limp to victory – Don’t give up. Great leader proudly limp across the finish line.

Are you leading with a limp? How has it shaped your leadership?

This is a guest post by Joel Garfinkle. Joel is recognized as one of the top 50 executive coaches in the U.S., having worked with many of the world’s leading companies, including Oracle, Google, Amazon, Deloitte and The Ritz-Carlton. He is the author of 7 books, including Getting Ahead: Three Steps to Take Your Career to the Next Level. Book Joel as the inspirational, motivational keynote speaker at your next event.

Here are 5 ways to be a more influential church leader:

The economically and spiritually troubling times our society faces today have resulted in significant challenges for many congregations. It is through these difficult times that church leadership is critical. It’s easy to lead your congregation when things are going well and people are generally happy; however, when your followers are plagued with social and professional strife, this is when church leaders really need to shine. Here are five tips for managing and improving your reputation as a leader so you can develop your influence within the church and lead your congregation into the next era of prosperity.

Establish a solid reputation – Your congregation needs to have complete faith that they can count on you. This reputation isn’t built on lip service, but on your history of keeping your word and getting things done. Once you’ve built this reputation, people will listen to you as an authority. They will look to you for guidance and advice.

Develop an enhanced skill set – This is often the strongest existing area for church leaders. Chances are, you are already highly skilled and proficient at your job. You are the expert they can turn to for all of their religious needs, with an abundance of knowledge in your faith. Your enhanced skill set is demonstrated through actions and a track record of helping congregation members with their spiritual needs. When your congregation has faith in your enhanced skill set, they will seek you out to answer their questions about spiritual matters.

Cultivate an executive presence – Although the term “executive presence” often has secular connotations, it is essential to becoming an effective religious leader as well. To improve in this area, you must exude confidence and assurance. Know in your head and your heart that you are guiding your followers down the correct path. If you are second-guessing yourself, your congregation will begin to second-guess you as well.

Never underestimate the power of being well-liked – First and foremost, your congregation has to like you. Unlike a business organization, you are not paying people to follow your lead. If you ask people why they chose a specific church when there are several of their faith within a reasonable distance, many will answer that their decision was at least partially based on “liking” the pastor and other church leaders. Superior likeability is needed for you to develop a solid rapport with your congregation. Although charisma is an innate skill, maintaining an optimistic outlook regardless of the circumstances can increase the natural charisma you have. Having superior likeability will result in others being inspired by you and wanting to follow your lead.

Acquire the power to persuade – Church leaders who have honed their power to persuade are able to more effectively and efficiently convince others to support their ideas and points of view. Through the power of persuasion, you can encourage people to work together toward a common purpose. Church leaders with the power to persuade are able to gain agreement and approval from people in a diverse group much more easily. To help facilitate the development of your own power of persuasion, align yourself with influential and powerful people. Aligning yourself with others who are already skilled at persuasion will magnify your own efforts and help you build your skills in this area.

What would you add to Joel’s list?

• I’ve quit trying to take people where they don’t want to go…
• Choosing to leave things at status quo…

• I no longer challenge worn out ways…
• Simply embracing the good ole’ days…

• I cave into critics, giving them the win…
• Rolling over easily, and doing it with a fake grin…

• I keep my voice silent, on issues that divide…
• Simply doing nothing and pretending to enjoy the ride…

• I’m making popularity my primary goal of the day…
• Following the voices of what the majority say…

• I’m refusing to share my God-given dream…
• Allowing mediocrity to stifle the team…

• I’ve quit stretching people with my goals…
• Purposefully ignoring the organizational holes…

Can you add a rhyme or two?
If so, you can make leadership easy like I do…