Our youngest son Nathaniel (now known as Nate) turned 21 years old this week. It reminded me of this story.

When our two boys were in elementary school, and actually wanted us to, Cheryl and I tried to go to lunch with them once a week, unless we were traveling for business. They loved it because there was a special seating section for visiting parents, and usually we brought them lunch. (I think that was the real attraction. )

Nathaniel was probably in about first or second grade. He was less the socialite of our son Jeremy so he always looked forward to me coming each week. These were some of our favorite hangout times.

On one particularly busy week, it was Friday and I still hadn’t gone to lunch with him. It was an exceptionally busy morning also and I got distracted from the time. When I realized how late it was, it was questionable if I could get there in time for lunch. I knew Nathaniel would be disappointed if I didn’t show up, so I left quickly for the school as fast as I could.

When I got to the school, I went straight to the cafeteria, as it was midway into his lunch period. To my surprise, Nathaniel wasn’t with the rest of his class. I went to his room and found his teacher. She told me Nathaniel was in the office. He was waiting for me.

Nathaniel had refused to go to lunch with his class. (He could be quite stubborn at times.) Nathaniel insisted to his teacher, “I know my daddy is coming today. He hasn’t been yet this week.”

He had that much confidence in his father.

I have thought about that story many times through the years. It’s been a consistent reminder to be the best father I can be and to never lose the respect or confidence of my sons.

It also had a spiritual implication for me.

If only I always had that much confidence in my Heavenly Father.

He is the perfect father. Always. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. He’s promised to work all things for my eventual good. He’s committed to counting the hairs on my head. I can surely trust Him. My Heavenly Daddy will come.

Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.” Isaiah 35:4

Are you waiting for God?

Keep waiting.

Your father will arrive. You can trust Him!

It’s one of the hardest things to do, but…

One day, if you’ve done your job well…

It will be time to get out of the way and let them grow.

It hurts…

Just being honest.

A part of you wants them to need you forever.

It could be as a parent…

Or as a leader…

Or as a pastor…

They may still “need you”…but not like they once did. They’ve grown. They’ve changed. You’ve changed. Things aren’t the same. You did your job. Now it’s their turn. That’s what disciple-making is all about. Raising up new disciple-makers.

When they are ready to fly solo…

Release them to God’s care…

Here are 4 things you can do to prepare them for the release:

Let them know – Assure them they have what it takes to do all God calls them to do.

Let them grow – Give them ample opportunities to learn new things along the way; whether from you or from others.

Let them sow - Allow them freedom to exhibit their talents and abilities under your guidance.

Let them go - Again, it’s the hardest part, but when it’s time release them. You’ve done your job.

Good job disciple-maker.

It won’t be easy. You’ll have to discipline yourself, but…

It’s the right thing to do.

It’s a quality all great leaders, parents, pastors…have in common. It’s part of doing our job well.

Have you had to let go?

Was it difficult for you?

This is to my wife.

It could be to anyone married to a pastor. It’s hard work.

In fact, I’ve said this before, but it may be the most difficult job in the church at times.

But, this one is to my wife. (You’re welcome to read along.)

I’ve also said this before…I have the perfect pastor’s wife. Younger pastor’s wives, if you want to learn how to do it, I’d submit my wife as an example.

As we venture out again on a new journey (There have been many in our years together), I’m reflective on the reasons I’m thankful for my pastor’s wife.

Cheryl,

Thank you for following me where God leads me…without complaining. Usually you are ready to walk by faith before I am. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do this without you.

Thank you keeping confidences. Thank you for biting your tongue when someone complains or criticizes unjustly. Thank you for knowing more “junk” than most people should, and never sharing it with anyone, yet being my closest confidant.

Thank you for being my biggest encourager and never making the church wonder where your support is. Even when the message stinks, you pretend it was wonderful!

Thank you being a safe place…even letting me blow off steam at times. Ministry is hard. I’m glad my wife has big shoulders upon which to cry at times and an incredible faith to point me back where I belong.

Thank you for believing in me when no one else does. You were with God and had me in ministry long before I could see what God was doing. You still believe I can do things of which I’m not so confident.

Thank you for knowing me best yet loving me most. Okay, contrary to public opinion , you know I’m not perfect. Far from it. Yet, your love is always undeniable.

Thank you for putting our marriage before any human relationship. At times, that’s meant you had to say no to others so you could say yes to me. Thank you for the sacrifice. Thanks for helping build a marriage and family life the church can easily follow.

Thank you for loving people and Jesus so passionately. The church knows it. Everyone knows it. You fully reflect that in all that you do!

Thank you for being a protection for me. You sense things in people and ministry that I can sense.

Thank you for respecting me unconditionally. You understand the frailty of a man’s ego and know it’s my greatest need and you fill it completely.

Thank you for being my pastor’s wife.

Give a shout out to your pastor or minister’s wife/spouse here! (Better yet, also send her/him a card!)

Frankly, I wish it happened more often, but occasionally a young father will come to me wanting to know how to be a better husband or father. One thing they specifically ask is how to take advantage of the time they have with their family and to be more effective with that time. As it seems all our time is so valuable, with the many distractions busy families face, wise parents realize the need to make the best use of the time they have together.

Here are 5 suggestions to make family time more effective:

Begin with a plan for your home and each child – You seldom hit a target you aren’t aiming to hit. Just as adults may have a plan for their career or finances, parents need a plan for operating their home. It may help if it is written, but should definitely summarize the major goals you hope to accomplish in your home. Because each child is different, I also believe parents should have different plans for each child. Ask yourself:

• What do we want our children to be like some day?
• What kind of people do we want them to be?
• What should their character be like?
• How can we best encourage them to get there?

You’ll find your family time more effective when you have a plan, because it will consciously and unconsciously help focus your attention and energies on the things that matter most when you are together.

Major on the majors, not on the minors – Children don’t need to be burdened with a lot of rules. It weighs them down trying to stay within the lines. Some things matter and some things don’t. Figure out the non-negotiables and primarily concentrate on them. I tend to lean towards character issues as majors and individual preferences as minors. You’ll choose what these are for your home, but everything shouldn’t be major…unless, at the extreme, you want to produce a stressed-out, perfectionist child, who always seem to struggle to meet other people’s expectations of them.

Make the guidelines in your home easy to figure out – There does need to be rules. Children need guidelines to follow, especially those that focus on the major things you want to accomplish in them, but also simple rules that make the home work effectively. Talk about the rules you have for your home and be sure to tell the children the why behind those rules, as much as they can understand. Be consistent in carrying out the rules in the home, in a firm, but loving way. Children shouldn’t have to guess how you’ll respond to an issue. As children learn your heart and ways, they can better trust you, which will help them enjoy themselves around you and rely on you for your wisdom and input as they get older.

Be purposeful – I’ve never seen effective parenting accomplished much in front of the television. (Ouch!) If you want more effective family time, take advantage of the time you do have and be intentional, implementing the plan you have for your family. Children won’t always be available to you, especially as they get older. As much as you can, to be an effective parent, always strive to be available to them. Look for teaching moments as they are presented and keep your desired outcomes in mind as you parent.

Surround everything with grace and love – Give multiple chances and forgive easily. I tried to remember that I’m modeling Christ for my children. Much of their understanding of Christ comes from their relationship to their earthly father (and mother). I’ve been given so much grace…shouldn’t my children reap the benefit?

Obviously these are just suggestions. Implementing them in your home will be different than it was in my home, because you are different and your children are different. Thinking through your parenting in a more systematic, intentional way will make you a better parent and help your time as a family be more effective.

What are some suggestions you have for making family time more effective?

I previously posted this story under another title, but since it’s been 4 years, I thought I was expand it and share again.

Recently I received some great life and leadership advice from my mom.

Please understand, my mom is retired from over 40 years of work in the business world, but she is usually not the first person I would think of for business advice. I mean, she is smart, no doubt about that, but she is my mom.

I would read Truett Cathy or Warren Buffett for business advice. I look to John Maxwell (and others) for leadership advice. I have a plethora of people I go to for life mentoring. I go to my mom when I cannot find my recipe for cornbread. (She makes some killer cornbread by the way.)

Before you write me…I know, my mom is a great place to get life advice. I’m trying to be funny and make a point. (I wish I didn’t have to give so many disclaimers )

Anyway, a friend is a salesperson for a manufacturing company. He has been concerned he might lose his job because his sales aren’t meeting expectations of management. My mom shared with me what she has been telling him. He claims that he could sell more product, if the production people could produce his orders faster. He says sales are not the problem, a lack of production is keeping the company from moving forward, and other orders seem to be produced before his orders, which is hindering his ability to meet his quota.

My mom told him he may need to leave his comfortable desk and chair, shut his laptop for a while, show an interest in the production people, and, if necessary, learn to help make the product. Her quote, “You need to make yourself indispensable to the company right now, because desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Make yourself indispensable.

You know, my mom is right. Too many times when our organization is suffering we cast blame rather than rally the team. We throw in the towel rather than work for a solution. We give up rather than create energy around us.

It is easier to quit sometimes than to weather through the rough periods, but the greatest and sweetest victories come to those who stick it out through the hard times and make it to the other side.

My mom was basically saying:

Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do so you can get done what has to be done.

I know…that’s deep right? And, I’m not as eloquent of speech as my mom. But it’s true. Sometimes it’s necessary to do the uncomfortable, the thing you don’t really want to do, maybe even the thing you don’t feel qualified to do…if you want to be successful. I frequently talk with people who are struggling in their personal life…either vocationally, in their relationships, or even physically. They want things to improve, but they aren’t willing to do the hard things to get them where they ultimately want to be.

Are you discovering tough times? Are you struggling to get where you want to be? Learn a lesson from my mom.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

What is some life advice you got from your mom?

My mom is my hero.

She’s the most gracious, forgiving, patient person I know.

My mom raised 3 children mostly as a single mom. My dad finished life well, (I wrote about that HERE) before dying a couple years ago, but to fully understand my life, you would have to know that for much a my life, my dad was an absentee father. That put a huge burden on my mom. Some of you know the hardship of the single mom, and it’s one I never take lightly. My mom sometimes worked as many as three jobs, but honestly, I never remember her not being home.

She kept our house immaculate, she cooks better than anyone I know, she can sew, cross-stitch, and raise a garden. She is grounded in tradition, but she’s loving Facebook. My mom mothered the neighborhood and the people with whom she worked. She’s never met a stranger and she has no enemies. My mother is growing in her faith even in her 70′s. She loves God passionately and boldly and prayed my father and sister back to Jesus. (I’m fairly confident she’s praying for me too.)

My mom rocks!

My mom has taught me what unconditional love and support looks and feels like in a human sense. Regardless of what I’ve done or where I’ve gone in life, one person is always my biggest supporter.

Thanks mom! I love you! Happy Mother’s Day!

Words can never express…

I was listening to “She Believes in Me” written by Steve Gibb and sung by Kenny Rogers the other day. I was on the treadmill, had my iPod on shuffle, and it was the song that played. Years ago I used to share that song on marriage retreats I led. Contained within it is one secret…one principle…that can dramatically change, maybe even save, a marriage.

I know, one song right?  But, I’m fully convinced it can.

Here are the lyrics, in case you don’t remember them: (The bold emphasis is to make my point.)

While she lays sleeping, I stay out late at night and play my songs
And sometimes all the nights can be so long
And it’s good when I finally make it home, all alone
While she lays dreaming, I try to get undressed without the light
And quietly she says how was your night?
And I come to her and say, it was all right, and I hold her tight

And she believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world
With my little songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, find a way…

While she lays waiting, I stumble to the kitchen for a bite
Then I see my old guitar in the night
Just waiting for me like a secret friend, and there’s no end
While she lays crying, I fumble with a melody or two
And I’m torn between the things that I should do
And she says to wake her up when I am through, 
God her love is true…

And she believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world
With my little songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, while she waits… while she waits for me for me!

End of song.

That’s it. 

Did you catch it? It’s pretty simple. I’ve written about the principle before HERE and HERE, but the principle is simple. Inside the heart of every man is a desire to be respected, especially by the one he loves. When a man feels that high level of respect, he will do just about anything to earn it again…so he goes “on trying faithfully.”

I know. The woman needs respect too. I know also, if she’s not receiving the love she deserves, it will be much harder for her to respect. I get that. I completely understand. It doesn’t even seem fair to suggest what I’m suggesting…respecting anyone who doesn’t deserve respect. It would almost be like telling someone to love someone who doesn’t deserve to be love or forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve forgiveness. That’s radical talking.

I can’t help, however, pointing out something I’ve seen improve many marriages. When the woman makes even slight changes in how she respects…in the way she says things…the language she uses…the genuineness of her admiration…something changes in the man…something good.

And who knows…maybe on some special night…if his song is right…he’ll will find a way, while she waits… while she waits for him…

By the way, Cheryl, thanks for believing in me…even when I don’t believe in myself.

I remember when the boys were at home.

The house was loud.

There were endless hours of them performing “shows” for us. Of course, we had to “love them”.

Balls were constantly flying through the air.

The floor was used as a wrestling ring.

Every night was filled with a practice or ballgame.

We had little “free time” for ourselves.

Clothes were left lying on floor.

The toilets weren’t always flushed.

The boys usually didn’t help around the house unless forced to do so.

They left the top off the toothpaste.

They didn’t want to go to bed on time.

They didn’t want to get up in the morning.

I hated science projects.

They had lots of science projects.

They really did take a lot of our time.

In some ways, they cramped our style.

They certainly altered our plans.

I miss those days.

Still have kids at home?

Don’t neglect the good days.

You’ll miss them.

BTW, tell me about your kids at home. How many? How old? I’d love to pray for them with you!

I have to be honest. I was a reluctant empty-nester. Cheryl and I love our boys and them being at home was one of our greatest joys in life. Walking in the door and being handed a football to throw or a soccer ball to kick was often the best part of my day.

We were intentional as parents and in our marriage, however, so now we are reaping the reward of that intentionality. We raised our boys to be independent and they are doing that well. They still “need” us, but they aren’t dependent on us. At the same time, we protected our relationship, so we truly enjoy our time together…always have…still do.

As hard as it’s been for me to see my boys leave home, I’m now learning to adjust to and actually enjoy being an empty-nester.

Here are 5 joys of being an empty-nester:

Spontaneous living – Cheryl and I can now change plans on a dime. Someone asks us to dinner, but they are leaving “now”…no problem. Suddenly deciding to go out of town for the weekend…why not?

More time for ministry – We are busier in ministry than ever before. Cheryl ministers to multiple women in the church and my ministry in and outside my home church continues to grow. We love serving others and now we have time to do it.

Planned chaos – Cheryl and I live a crazy life, but we have the freedom within that craziness to adjust our schedule as we see fit. When children are in the house, much of your schedule is dictated by their activities. Now, we decide what is going to control our time. We can never anticipate what’s going to happen, but we have the freedom to adjust to it as we choose.

Rekindled relationship - Cheryl and I have always loved our life together. As I said, we continued to date throughout our parenting days, so our relationship remained strong. Now, we are in a new season in our relationship. It’s a good season. We love our time together.

Unbridled future – We keep saying to each other that we can do anything we want. We are free to walk by faith as God leads. It’s a very good feeling. Let’s do it God! What’s next?

Let me be clear, if you have children at home, enjoy them now. You’ll miss them, but if you continue to work on your relationship, and you prepare your children to stand on their own, you’ll one day get to enjoy the blessings of being a joyful empty-nester.

Any empty-nesters out there? What do you like about this season of life?

I’ve met with numerous young leaders recently who want the opportunity to “make it on their own”. I’ve seen it in my own two sons. They want to get their first job without the help of others. They want to stand on their own merits. They want to attain a level of accomplishment without the help of their parents, their parent’s friends, or any connection they didn’t make personally.

I understand. I felt the same way when I was a young leader.

And, I love the ambition. I simply don’t agree with the practice. That’s based on experience it’s taken me years to understand.

My advice:

Don’t try to make it on your own.

For one thing, we weren’t meant to live life alone. We are designed for fellowship, with our Creator and with other people. But, also, it simply doesn’t work.

There is no such thing as a self-made person.

Everyone gains success with the help of others. Failure to realize that leads to false pride.

More than ever before, knowing the right connections can help you accomplish your goals. I’ve told my two boys they will most likely never have a job in their lifetime where they didn’t know someone who helped them obtain it. If that person is your parents, or people your parents know, so be it.

I’m not suggesting you don’t try and I’m not releasing you of responsibility. You are ultimately, under God’s authority of course, responsible for charting your own course. You can’t expect anyone to give you something you aren’t willing to earn.

I am suggesting that you shouldn’t be timid or feel bad about using the connections and networking relationships you’ve been allowed to make or those connections of people who know you and care for you. Those relationships may be as important as any skill you bring to the table.

Does it bother you to rely on help your parent’s offer you?