In my years of counseling and ministering to married couples, mostly in distress, I have learned some principles that run fairly consistent within each marriage. There are some common needs most men and women bring to a marriage in order to make the marriage the best it can be. I have found that we really not that different from each other. We may label these differently; even put them in different categories, but the needs themselves remain relatively similar from marriage to marriage. Over the years I’ve kept notes and in these posts I’ll share with you my findings, which I have shared in marriage retreats for years.

I’ll be with the “ladies first” principle, so here are the greatest needs of a wife (in my opinion).

Love

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” How did Christ love the church? 1 John 3:16 “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.”Do you love her above everything else including your work, your hobbies, your friends, family, and even the kids? Do your actions prove your words?

Attention

Wives want to be listened to (instead of the TV) and know that we believe what they have to say is important. Our wives would prefer to talk with us over other women, even though another woman might better understand.

Protection

Wives want their husbands to be the defender of the family; not just against the bumps in the night, but against all the threats in society. They want us to take the ownership in leading our family spiritually and in teaching our kids how to defend themselves and stay strong in an evil world.

Security/Commitment

Are you going to be there forever? Can she trust you? Wives see their visually stimulated husbands looking at other women. Does she know you won’t cheat on her? Are you going to be faithful always?

Appreciation/Value

Wives want to be valued for who they are as much as for what they do. Most houses wouldn’t run as well without the wife. Could anyone find all our “stuff”? But, wives want to know we see them with value beyond just what she does around the house. Is she more important than anything else? Is she still beautiful?

Compassion

Wives want their husbands to understand them as “weaker vessels”. Of course this doesn’t mean they are less than men, but that men and women are different. Women are going to respond differently to situations; cry more easily, take longer to resolve things emotionally, feel tired quicker. Also, wives want a little romance in the marriage. (For most of us, if we’ve been married over a week they already know that’s not going to happen with you.) We can all, however, be kind, loving, and occasionally romantic. We usually get good credit here just for honestly trying.

Partners

Most wives don’t want to do life alone. They want their husband’s participation in raising the kids, making decisions around the house and yes, sometimes even picking out curtain colors.

What would you add to the list?

Be sure to read 6 Top Needs of a Husband also.

Arrogant. Perhaps. Opinionated. Maybe. Critical. Sometimes. Aimless. Never.

People may call me lots of things, but one thing where most people will agree who know me is that I have a purpose to most everything I do; perhaps even to a fault. Playing a game of golf just for fun? Not so much. Playing a game of golf so I can build a relationship with someone or have quiet time to focus on something my mind has been racing about lately. Occasionally. (Actually about twice a year.) My life is usually aiming for something. I promise you I’m not writing this blog post just for “fun”. (What’s that?) So when I write about developing a life plan you can be sure it’s something I practice.

In my previous post 3 Questions to Help Formulate a Life Plan , I listed questions and a process to help a person think through what a personal life plan may look like for them. I want to continue that thought with some more suggestions.

This process was developed while working specifically with marriages in distress and then I began to apply it to the total life planning process. Therefore, it works equally well if used in a specific area of your life, such as marriage, parenting, career, or even your spiritual, physical and financial life.

As you work through the progressive questioning the answers become harder to attain. That’s intentional, because basically we end up striving for those things we really want in life anyway. If your life goals are shaped through a process you are more likely to work to achieve them.

Answer the questions truthfully; not how you think someone else would want you to answer them or even how you wish you could answer them. Again, we tend to work hardest for the things that are in our heart. Don’t try to make yourself something your heart is not into. Only God can do that.

Update your plan regularly. As life changes occur, you gain more life experience, or you simply mature, your answers to questions may change.

Don’t be hard on yourself when you don’t meet your end goal. Just evaluate, re-tool, and go at it again. You’ll most likely do this many times in life. The winners in life are constantly updating the vision for their life and they learn their best lessons through failure. (Someday I’ll post about failure. I know that subject well too!)

Some goals never change. The process to get there may, but the goal itself stays the same. Where you want to be spiritually and the type of family relationships you desire are examples here.

Business speaker Harvey MacKay said: “Failures don’t plan to fail; they fail to plan.” My encouragement to you is to have a plan for each area of your life in which you want to achieve success. (Please tell me that’s every area!)

One of the most common ministry opportunities I have is helping people discover God’s will and determine a life direction. I sometimes feel I get to be a sort of “life coach”. I believe strongly in having a plan of where you want to go and what you want out of life. “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” (Proverbs 29:18) Several years ago I started asking people three questions to help them begin to formulate their own life plan. The questions are:

Where do you want to go?

Begin to ask yourself some evaluation questions. You can think of your own, but here’s some to consider. (Don’t be afraid to dream and think big when answering these questions.)

• If you could see your life in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, what would you hope to see?
• Where would you live?
• Where are you in your career?
• What kind of relationship would you have with your spouse; with your children, etc.?
• What does your relationship with God look like?

How are you going to get there?

People are usually pretty good at answering the questions above, or at least they have general ideas, but we don’t always plan a course of action to get there. One truth we cannot escape is that we will most likely end up in the direction we are heading. So, we don’t usually meet the goals we set for ourselves unless we aim for them. Begin to take the answers to the questions above and write some action steps to meeting them. What would you have to do differently in your life if you want to end up someday where you say you do?

Are you willing to pay the price?

This is always the quickest question to answer, but if it’s answered truthfully it is always the hardest question. I hear men talk about wanting a close family, but they aren’t willing to place their family ahead of their career or hobbies. Someone says they want to advance in their career, but they aren’t willing to gain the education necessary. Achieving success at anything requires a certain level of sacrifice. Some people may want to attain the level, but they aren’t willing to invest what is required to get there. At some point you will have to determine if you are.

Spend some time wrestling with these questions and you will be on your way to developing your own life plan. For accountability purposes, share them with someone close to you and give them permission to periodically ask you how you are doing.

For a continuation of this post, see THIS POST.

Are you willing to give it a try?

Last fall I was running on a country road in the middle of Kansas and was stopped dead in my tracks with this scene.  Instantly thoughts flooded through my mind.  One day I suppose a man came home from work and said to his wife, “Honey, the house is ready. The place you dreamed of is complete.  It has plenty of room, there is an upstairs like you wanted and wait until you see the rock I found with which to build it.  This house is what we’ve been working so hard to get!   We are going to be so happy in this place.”  Today, this is that same house.

This is where most of what we invest in on this earth ends up someday.  If we buy the nicest car with the best warranty; someday, unless extreme care is taken, it will be in a junk pile.  The greatest house money can buy will one day no longer be the greatest house.  Have you ever acquired the “latest” technology? Is it still the latest?  How soon did the Apple iPhone need to be upgraded to be the “latest”?    In the end, the things in the material world just don’t last. 

What’s the moral here?  Well, Jesus said it best.   (Matthew 6:19-21) “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where they can be eaten by moths and get rusty, and where thieves break in and steal.  Store your treasures in heaven, where they will never become moth-eaten or rusty and where they will be safe from thieves.  Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be. “   

Someone’s dream house sitting abandoned 100 years later was a good reminder to me to make sure I’m investing my life into things that outlast time. 

Here’s a great evaluation question: Are the places where you are investing the best part of your life in the areas you most want to grow and build something that lasts?

Here are some of the best wisdom, lessons and principles I’ve received from life. I’m not saying I live by these always, just that I’ve lived long enough to know they are true. I’d love for this to be a continuing dialogue, so please read mine and add your own.

Above all else guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life. – Proverbs 4:23, Eventually it all boils down to the heart of the matter.

God cares more about our character than He does many of the individual decisions we make, but if we are not careful we will spend more of our prayer time focusing on those decisions. – Being a good father is more important than buying the best house in town.

You’ve got to know when to fold them; know when to walk away; and know when to run. – There are times to fight and times you know you can’t win and times when you shouldn’t be fighting anyway. Learning the difference is huge.

If you can’t say nothin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all. - Thumper knew a truth that Scripture plays out too. There are times when we need to “shut up” and say (or email) nothing.

Once it is said, it’s much harder to take back. - Thumper didn’t say this one, but maybe the warning should have come after it, because we usually don’t listen to the first suggestion.

It takes time to mend a broken heart. – As believers we don’t grieve like a world without hope, but we still hurt. Healing wounds take time, prayer, and truth. Some marriages need to know this principle.

Letting people get credit for something I did is okay if the organization is moving forward. - In the end, if I’m leading, I’ll get all the credit I deserve and more.

Jesus came full of grace AND truth. - We tend to err in one direction or the other.

More of the same will not produce change. - You can’t keep doing the same things and expect to get different results.

Sometimes the greatest fear we have is the greatest opportunity God has to use us for His glory. - God seems to always call us to that which seems bigger than we are. That causes us to rely on Him more.

God is faithful; you can trust Him. - This one comes with test after test, but He has proven Himself every time.

We tend to end in the direction we are headed. – We shouldn’t be surprised if we end up in a bad situation, if that’s the direction we were aiming our life.

You get more bees with honey than vinegar. – Being nice to people usually gets better results than beating them into submission. (Bible truth: It’s the kindness of God that leads to repentance.

People are different from me. – I tend to want people to respond to life and me as I respond to life and others. They don’t.

Every life experience can be used of God for something that gives God glory. – Everything! Maybe even reading this post!

Now share yours!

What have you learned in life…or what did you momma…or Thumper…teach you?

You might also enjoy:

10 Lessons I’ve Learned in Life

10 Lessons it Took Me Years to Understand

10 Life Principles I’ve Learned

I always said I didn’t want anything and wouldn’t fight over stuff.  Now I’m wondering if I made a wise decision and even knew what I was saying. 

My dad called today to cut me out of the will. The conversation went like this.  “Son, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, so let me know if this bothers you in any way.  Your mom and I have been talking.  With your busy schedule and all the traveling you do, would it be a problem if we took you out of the will?” 

I mean, what could I say, right?  Being the godly-pretending pastor that I am I said, “Sure, no problem.  I didn’t want any of your junk anyway!”  I’m just kidding. He did call and that is what he said, but it wasn’t what he meant and so that isn’t how I responded. 

Here’s the real deal.  I’m the middle child.  My older brother spent 27 years in the U.S. Navy serving our country and keeping us free.  He’s now retired and has come home.  He sees my parents nearly every day. I’m not as good of a son.  He is more attentive, has more time, and will probably never leave Clarksville.  We are already packing for our next adventure. (Not really, but hopefully someday.)   My father was asking if I minded if my brother became the executor of their will in case something ever happened to them, since he was home more often.  Thankfully I understood.  I wasn’t offended.  I was actually glad to be free of a responsibility.    

It was a good thing though that I understood what he was saying or we might have had a family feud even before the reading of the will.  It was funny and was a good reminder of how the way something is said is not always how it is intended.  How many times do we misunderstand someone and misjudge them because of it?   We need to listen for motive and heart as much as we do what the person is saying.

At least I hope he was referring to changing the executor and not cutting me out completely.  If not I may need to start getting some of the stuff I want now! 

I need to address the women.  Last night I got angry.  It wasn’t a huge issue and today I’m over it, but I had to remind Cheryl again that I have a right to be angry at times.  (I wasn’t angry at her. Thankfully that hasn’t happened in years.)  As a man, I have as much a right to get angry as a woman has to cry.  I don’t express emotion in tears; I often express them in anger; or at least an emotion that looks like anger to Cheryl. 

Please don’t misunderstand. My right to express anger is not an excuse to throw things, hit someone, or even be verbally abusive.  I never have that right.  Frankly, you don’t either. None of us should allow our emotions to turn into times of violence. There is never an excuse for that.  How we learn to control our emotions is a key to establishing healthy relationships. (NOTE: If your emotions are uncontrollable then I encourage you to seek help.  Addressing serious emotional problems for the male or female is not the purpose of this post.) 

In Ephesians chapter four it is clear that we should not sin in anger.  We are also not supposed to go to bed in anger.  Thankfully I didn’t last night, but the passage clearly allows a place for anger in our lives.  Further in the same passage we are told to get rid of anger, but if you examine the text in the original language, there are actually different original meanings for the word anger.  There is anger that is okay to express.  It is an emotional release of an immediate reaction to a situation; again, much like crying. 

The dilemma between couples is to understand the differences in our makings and then learning to adapt who we are in a mutually submissive response to each other.  In my relationship with Cheryl as an example, when I get angry at something when I’m with her, which is again my natural response to things that upset me; I must control that anger to keep it from becoming harmful to our relationship. That being said I reserve the right to express the emotions, just as Cheryl has the right to cry when she is upset by something while in my company.  Bottled up emotions are dangerous.  The goal in our relationship is to create a healthy environment where both of us is free to be emotionally open with each other, while maintaining the strength and integrity of the relationship.   

Of course, the typical response from the woman is that they don’t like to see anger displayed.  When a man gets angry, even with controlled anger, the woman may feel threatened, intimidated and uneasy.  That’s a natural reaction to a misunderstood emotion.  What needs to be understood in this case is that the same thing happens with the man in reaction to a woman’s tears.  When Cheryl, or any woman, begins to cry I immediately shut-down, become defensive; perhaps even a little afraid.  (Some women understand this effect of their emotions on men and use it against us.  That too is wrong.)  I don’t know how to respond adequately to a woman in tears.  (That last sentence could be a country song!) Most women don’t know how to respond to a man in his displayed anger.  This is the battle of the sexes, so-to-speak.  It’s the paradox that exists in the male/female relationship because we are so different.  It is part of the mystery that in the end causes attraction between the two sexes. 

The next time your man gets angry at something, give him time to unwind, help him process through it if he wants you to, but let him be a man.  Guys, let your wives cry without trying to fix the thing she is crying about!  Then both the man and the woman should use the experience to learn from each other and have a stronger, more emotionally open and healthy relationship.   

I’m fully confident this post will cause some anger to raise among my women readers.  That’s okay.  I can handle anger. Just please don’t cry! 

I’m conducting a very official hygiene opinion poll.  Results will be tabulated and sent to the Harvard School of Family Behavioral Sciences for further evaluation.  (Just kidding…it’s not official.  You didn’t fall for that though did you?) 

My family is divided on a hygiene issue.  Let me explain.  Jeremy, our oldest son, moved out a few weeks ago to live at the fraternity house near the college he attends in our city.  He came home this past weekend to be here.  We have better food than the fraternity house.  He forgot to bring his toothbrush.  Of course the fraternity house is a good 4 miles from our house, so it would have been much too far for him to drive to get it, so in lieu of having his own toothbrush (Apparently as you will see, we are a weird family in that everyone has their own) he decided to use mine.  When I realized this I threw up (vomited). 

I confronted my family about this serious health violation and we were split in our opinion on the wrongness of this act.  Cheryl and Jeremy think this is an okay thing to do if you need a toothbrush.  They seem to believe you can share germs and bacteria if you are related.  (“Just run some hot water on it”, they said.)  Nathaniel agreed with me saying, “That is the grossest thing I’ve ever heard of.”  In an attempt to break a tie vote I asked Jeremy’s girlfriend her opinion.  I was sure she would agree with me.  She didn’t.  She responded with the same “Run hot water over it” answer.   

I need your help.  Will you agree with me that using someone else’s toothbrush is WRONG?  Don’t you think it would be better to brush your teeth with your finger than to use someone else’s toothbrush?  

In the meantime, I have purchased new toothbrushes and all their handles have been wrapped with masking tape.   I’ve warned anyone who touches them that they face cruel and unusual punishment. 

I read lots of business magazines and blogs.  I find it helps me with my own management skills.  I also believe the Bible teaches us some great leadership principles.  Unless you have lived under a rock then you know that today’s workplace is changing. The “new” generation of workers is more value-centered.  Through my conversation with business leaders, what I have read and what I have personally observed this new generation of workers love time at home more than time in the office.  They value a company that cares for the environment.  They want benefits as well as pay.  Fairness and honesty in the way they are treated is of utmost importance to them. They want immediate responsibility and authority in their area.  They want to dress comfortably and they don’t expect to do what they are doing forever.  Finally, they want to enjoy what they do and have a deep sense of purpose in their work.  It’s not that those values weren’t present 20 years ago, but today they are critical to finding and keeping good people. 

As I lead and help others do so I’m sometimes faced with a dilemma.  What is the balance between creating the “fun”; new values-centered workplace and the need to get a job done well?  When do I need to become the “bad guy” leader who pushes for excellence and for quantity of work as well as quality, without really being labeled the bad guy?  Because this generation will not work long or well for bad guys. 

It seems to me that learning where the lines are, hiring the right people in the first place (of course), and operating with a great Jesus principle of grace and truth, is going to be a key to leading this next generation.  If we want to obtain the energy and creative minds of youth then we must learn to manage them well. 

I’m praying that I will grow in those skills so I can help others do likewise and I’m once again reminded how much I can learn from Jesus!

Obviously the world is changing at rapid pace. The technological age has made the world faster, smaller, thinner, bolder, sexier, and more complex.  We have more options, but with those advances come more challenges.  This morning our server was down and one would have thought the sky had fallen. Last week I left my Blackberry at my office when I ran out to a meeting.  I was miserable, unproductive and moody at that meeting. (Sorry guys.)  Our worlds often center around technology.  What would we do without it?  It helps us do our work so much more efficiently, yet it’s also sometimes a stumbling block to real success in the areas of our life that matter to God (and hopefully us) most.

Our family minister, Michael Bayne, shared a story with me today that quickly put things into perspective.  Apparently his 2 year old daughter finds it funny to hide his Mp3 player.  He freaks on her, because he loves his music, but she thinks it’s funny.  Instantly I smelled a rat in this picture.  Could his 2 year old be crying out “Pick me, Pick me” over this piece of technology?  Granted, Michael Bayne is one of the most attentive, loving, great dads I know, but sometimes a 2 year old can be used to teach us some valuable lessons. 

So, here’s a question for us all…

Is your technology more important than the personal, God-given, relationships you have?     If you had to give up one or the other for a night, which would it be?  (Be honest.) 

Now having answers those questions (with correct answers obviously because we couldn’t admit otherwise, could we?), the next question is rather clear:

Is that answer reflected in the way you are currently living your life? 

Ouch!