Continuing the series on the parenting model based on the Olive Tree; we are attempting to produce spiritual fruit in our children that will last for generations. You can read the beginning post HERE.  

Today we see a few more virtues we and some ways to instill them in our children. 

PATIENCE        

This is a tough one, because it is one of my weak points, but it is a part of the fruit of the Spirit God has encouraged us to have, so here are some actions to help your children have this trait: 

*Let them see you waiting patiently. (If my boys or my wife reads this they will be wondering when they will see this in me. Still, I have had to wait for many big picture things in my life many times.  I’ve attempted to do so patiently.) 

*Make children wait sometimes. Children shouldn’t get everything right away and they certainly shouldn’t be able to demand it with temper-tantrums or tears.  One statistic I read says that children today get 90% of everything they want, yet as adults they will get less than 25%.  We are setting them up for failure when we give them everything. 

*Don’t be a complainer. Do everything without complaining or arguing. (Phil 2:14)

*Don’t let your children think they are the center of the universe.  They are not; actually God is.    Encourage them, but don’t crown them kings. 

KINDNESS            

Kindness could be defined as “genuine friendliness, helpfulness and generosity”.  Here are some ways to instill kindness in your children: 

*Be a giver and not a taker.  Let your children see you giving to others regularly. 

*Never let children see you being unkind to the cashier or waitress. 

*Know your neighbors and actually have concern for them.

*Never allow degrading comments to be made to other family members. 

*Care for the hurting people of the world. 

*Be a regular giver/servant at church. 

 GOODNESS

Jesus said “well done good and faithful servant” and “a good tree produces good fruit”.  This is the opposite of bad.  (That makes sense, huh?)  To instill goodness in your children, try this:

*Reward good acts towards others. 

*Give extra praise to your children for doing good things. (That’s not buying them a toy. This can be done verbally.) 

*Never let them see parents argue and fight.            

*Demand respect always. They don’t always have to agree, but they should always have to respect. 

* Always declare truthfulness.  Never let them see you telling lies; even “little white lies”.

*Teach prompt obedience.  Don’t let them “think about” obeying you. This is especially true for younger children. 

I will continue with more traits of spiritual fruit tomorrow. 

Yesterday I introduced this series of a parenting model called Olive Tree Parenting.  If you need the introduction read it HERE.  

Here are some suggestions to help you develop this “fruit” in your children.  To be honest I need to remind you that this is a “model”. That doesn’t mean I was perfect at doing this. Some I did better than others.  The fact is, however, that we seldom hit a target we aren’t aiming for, so make this your goal and you will find it easier to achieve than with no plan at all. 

LOVE

Love is the first fruit mentioned and the most important.  Jesus said “love” was the greatest command for us all.  Please understand you can’t really teach your child to love.  You must model it for them.  Here are some actions you can take, however, to instill this fruit in their heart. 

*Ask your children questions about their life.  Get to know your child and what they are thinking.  Show you care. 

* Do everything in love…….even discipline.  (They will know when you are not acting in love. You will too.) 

*Discipline.  Don’t neglect discipline in “the name of love”.  Discipline should actually be an indication that you love them enough to train them to do the right thing.   

*Watch how you treat other groups of people; including other races and ethnic groups. 

*Watch your child’s attitude; always recognize attitudes over actions (1 Sam. 16:24) and respond accordingly. 

*Love your children’s friends. 

*Be kind to your neighbors, friends and family.  They are watching. 

*Get involved in church and community not out of compulsion, but because you love other people. 

JOY   

The goal of producing joy is not to make your children happy.  The Bible makes a distinction between joy and happiness.  (Psalm 68:3)  Here are some actions you can take to instill the fruit of joy in your child’s heart:

*Don’t reward everything.  Life should not be a big celebration.  Life shouldn’t revolve around the next big event. 

*Have a sense of humor. Have fun parenting. Let them see you having fun.

*Be positive.  Children can’t take the pressure and stress of life that an adult has to handle.

*Allow your children to enjoy life at the age they are, without trying to make them someone they are not. 

*Life is difficult and there will be trials, but let your children see you use trials as something you learn from and have faith during; trusting that God will work all things for good. 

*Remind yourself to “be joyful always”.  This is another character trait we need to model for them.

PEACE     

Peace is a foundation for other great character traits you will want your children to have.  The Bible says we can have peace that is there regardless of the storms of life.  I know many adults who would like that kind of peace. You would certainly want that for your children.  It is important to instill peace virtues into your children.  Here are some actions you can take to model peace for your children:

*Pray for your children daily in their presence. This shows them the importance of prayer and relying on God for daily strength.      

*Teach them to pray. Jesus taught His disciples to pray.  Help your children understand they can talk with God anytime. They will catch on quickly.  Faith comes much easier when built as a child. 

*Let them see you read your Bible regularly. 

*Talk about your faith.  Peace is found in a relationship and they need to see that modeled for them. 

*Remain cool in stressful situations as best as you can.  It’s okay that they see you emotional, but they should quickly see you display a peace that surpasses understanding.

Stay tuned for more character “fruit” trait building activities tomorrow. 

Every time I write about parenting, people email me asking for more.  I understand.  Parenting is hard work.  Most people who follow my ministry know this is one area of my life that I have taken very serious.  One specific desire Cheryl and I had in raising our children was to encourage them to love Christ and display His character.  It’s great to teach our children how to play sports or to do well in school, and I think we should, but our greatest goal should be to help them be people who aspire to have good character; specifically the character of Christ. 
 
Recognizing that the Bible is a great guide, I once developed a model for parenting called Olive Tree Parenting.  This model is based upon a couple verses of Scripture. 
  
Psalm 128:3 says, “Your sons will be like olive shoots around your table.” 
Psalm 144:12 says, “Our sons in their youth will be like well-nurtured plants.” 
     
Here are a few facts about olive trees:
   
*They were a symbol of peace and happiness to Hebrews.
*It takes some varieties 8-10 years to even bear fruit.
*It takes 20-50 years for an olive tree to be mature and really productive.
*No one knows for sure how long they grow, but estimate is at least 300-600 years, with some estimates up to 2000 years.
*When the tree trunk of an olive tree dies new sprouts come out keeping the tree alive.
*Olive trees are evergreens. 
     
Using the Biblical model of olive trees I saw some easy parallels in raising children.  I firmly believe we are more likely to get out of life what we actually aim for, so our goal became to raise children to be adults that bear righteous fruit for generations and we began to think strategically how to develop Biblical characteristics of fruit in our two boys. 
   
The Bible also gives us some clear indication of what righteous fruit looks like.  Galatians  5:22-23 says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”
   
Over the next few days I will address each one of these aspects of spiritual fruit and provide some action steps to help realize this fruit in our children. 

I was reflecting the other day (which is something I seem to do a lot lately) on my life and the way God has used me to impact my two sons. Cheryl and I have been “intentional” parents. I know all parents are intentional in what they do, but what I mean is that we parented with an intentional purpose; to mold young men who passionately love and serve God with their lives.

As I think about the men they are becoming, by God’s grace, that goal is being accomplished. The thought occurred to me, however, that as much as I’ve tried to teach them directly and indirectly; by word or by modeling, much of life is learned by experience. With that thought, I realized there are life principles I know not because someone taught me, but because I lived them.

These are things I want my boys to know, but I don’t think I ever taught them:

• There are some things in life you will never understand and I can’t explain them to you.
• The lust for a woman can destroy your life. Be careful.
• You need other men in your life. I can only take you so far. Always surround yourself with men you aspire to be like and let them invest in you.
• You need to invest in other men; especially those younger than you.
• Be willing to risk everything to follow God’s call on your life now; while you are young. (Then never get too old for this principle.)
• Always be a dreamer. It keeps you young; plus your dreams for your life will never be bigger than God’s vision for your life.
• The greatest things in life money can’t buy.

I may think of more, but these are on my heart today.

What do you wish you could teach your children?

Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy, but because of the increased demands on time and finances, plus the fact that messy relationships get messier this time of year, all make it difficult sometimes to really enjoy the season.  As you plan your Christmas season, here are a few tips to help you have a more spirit-filled celebration. 

1.      Use this season to change your priorities where needed. If your priorities have gotten out of line lately, put them back where they belong this Christmas.

2.      Consider what you have now. Sure, you may have experienced losses this year, but most of us are still pretty blessed.

3.      Find a way to serve others this holiday season.  It is the season of giving. Giving, especially if you don’t have to, has a way of bringing joy to your heart.

4.      Make Christmas less of a spending spree this year.  Set a budget limit of what you can afford to pay for…with cash…and then don’t stress about anything else. (You are probably buying too much for people you don’t even like anyway.)  There could actually be good to come from a down economic time if you start to clean up financial mistakes of the past and started living more responsibly with your finances.   

5.      Incorporate Jesus into your celebration. Seems to make a lot of sense.  It’s His birthday. 

Someone shared this with me. Wish I would have had it in time for my message Sunday.

Today I tried to help us get a jump on the holidays by encouraging us to have a more child-like faith. Jesus said “unless you become like little children you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”  (Matt 18)  Children are filled with wonder and hope; seldom worrying about tomorrow.  You can hear the complete message HERE.  

Before I even returned home from church I had this email waiting for me.  I thought it was a good enough story to share, so I asked the writer for permission. 

Dear Ron,

Today when you asked who already had their Christmas tree up, I had to proudly smile and giggle inside. Let me tell you why.
     
I don’t really remember much about our family Christmases before I was 10 years old. However, I will never forget Christmas the year I was 10 (1990) and how it changed my family forever. Rather than waking up on Christmas morning and running to see what was under the tree, I was woke up and given my first lesson on death. My grandma had died, just that morning. Being the age I was, I didn’t understand why Grandma had to die in the 1st place (she was only 60), and why she “Went to live with God” and left us on Christmas?
  
The following weeks were the most trying for my family as my mother and her 2 sisters struggled with the death of their mother after having already lost their father to suicide when they were just children themselves. I remember them yelling and screaming, blaming each other for things from decades past, and my 2 cousins and myself just got lost in the shuffle of it all. We were told that missing Grandma was not something to talk about because they missed her more. After all it was their mother. We were told that there was no Christmas that year and that there may never be another Christmas for this family. That’s a lot for 3 small children to digest.
   
The years that followed were rarely joyous or spent celebrating. The season itself was a reminder of the loss and just seemed to stir up old hatred and still raw emotions.
   
In 1998 I married into a huge family with just the opposite approach to the holiday. Everyone gathered each year at Granny and Gramps’ house in the country where there was no internet and even my father in law’s satellite cell phone didn’t get a signal. The holiday was spent as a family laughing and singing and giving gifts in honor of the birth, and life, that was being celebrated. No one yelled or blamed, no one slammed doors or cried. I, however, had a meltdown. My young husband of 18 years of age didn’t understand why I wanted to hide in the upstairs bedroom and just cry alone. It was all just too much and very overwhelming for me. I felt I had been robbed of a holiday that should be about happiness by a family that couldn’t see that they were destroying it for us kids.

For the 8 Christmases following that, I didn’t put up a tree. I didn’t really decorate. I hadn’t been to church since I left home, and I really didn’t see any need in acknowledging the holiday at all. Several of those years my husband was deployed and I spent Christmas in our home, alone with just my dog and some movies to fill the time until I went back to work on Monday.
  
This year though….something in me changed. My daughter is 2 ½. She had a very rough start in this world but is doing amazing now. We walked by a Christmas tree the other day and she lit up! For a child with severe social delays and inabilities to display much emotion, this was a moment I never thought I’d see in her. She smiled, laughed, and clapped her hands together. My heart stopped. It was clear as day, Christmas had to be celebrated this year, if for nothing else, for the joy of my child. I bought a Christmas tree, ornaments, and a toy nativity set. Last night while my daughter played with Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus, I assembled our tree and decorated with all the lights and tinsel I could find. In our attic I came across old ornaments I literally had not seen in 18 years. They reminded me of those awful Christmases of my childhood, but I hung them on the tree anyway. Now they are a reminder that even with all I had felt about Christmas for so long, there was still a reason to celebrate.
 
It took many years and the birth of my own child to bring me back to celebrating the birth of another very special child. So, yes, my Christmas tree is already up, and decorated, and underneath it sits a simple manger scene with the true reason for the season.
 
Thank you for your message today. It really hit home in my heart.

So the Twelve gathered all the disciples together and said, “It would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables. Acts 6:2 NIV  
 
I want to share five things the church can and should give to its pastor in some posts over the next few days. A pastor is to shepherd and oversee the work of God in a local church. (For the purposes of this series I will use the masculine form. This is not an endorsement or a criticism of female pastoral authority. That is not the intent of this series it just makes writing easier.) Please prayerfully consider your pastor this week and see if your church is meeting his needs.   
 
The first thing to consider is that your pastor needs time. The pastor needs time away from the ministerial responsibilities and activities of the church so that he can commit time to his family and to the ministry of the Word of God. The early church leaders are not criticizing the ministry of waiting on tables in today’s verse. Every activity done in the church is important, according to God’s Word. They are simply pointing out that their primary responsibility is to teach God’s Word to the people.   
 
I have witnessed too many pastors who burn out in their work, because too many demands are placed upon them. If there is a social or an activity in the church or among its people, most people expect the pastor to always be there. If someone is sick, the pastor should always make the visit, according to most church members. There is rarely any consideration to the fact that the pastor needs time with his family; and certainly time to prepare the message of God’s Word.   
 
Please, let me share with you from practical experience. If you want your pastor to be prepared to deliver God’s message of the week to you and, if you want his family to be strong enough that he can model family life for you, then give him time alone with God during the week. Make sure he has time to study and for his family. Too many demands on his time will make a very stressed out pastor!

(I hope for those at my church reading this series that they can understand I minister to lots of pastors.  This is not a personal plea. Thanks for being the kind of church that allows me to protect my time.  Grace is a great place!)  

Regardless of your politics, we will soon have a new first family. Honestly, I’m excited about watching children growing up in the White House again.  The Obama’s seem like a loving, close family, and it will be interesting getting to know them as they become the daily news focus in the coming months.   

True story.  This morning I was thinking about and praying for our new president-elect and the changes about to occur in his young family’s life.  The thought occurred to me that the new president and first lady should help their girls acclimate to their new home by gifting them with a new puppy. 

I did a quick online search to make sure the Obama family does not already have a family pet.  According to published reports, President-elect Obama has promised his daughter Malia a puppy.  The dilemma is whether to get her a pedigree to help with her allergies or support the animal shelter and get a mutt. 

If you had to pick a first dog, which breed would you select?  Could you see the Obama family with a Pembroke Welsh corgi or a West Highland white terrier?  Or, are they a “pick the dog who needs the most love from the animal shelter” type of family?  What do you think?  

Sadly, as someone who studies marriages, I see more and more marriages that are just going through the routines of marriage without really enjoying the journey. At the same time, I do know couples who have learned how to make their marriage work for the good of both spouses and are truly enjoying life together. My wife and I want to be included in the latter group.

What does it take to put or keep fun in a marriage?

Here are a few tips I shared recently at a pastor’s retreat:

Prioritize your marriage – Make your marriage a priority in your life.All of us would say that our marriage is a priority, but do we practice what we believe?Our marriage should take precedence over every other human relationship and every other activity. My wife knows when I am putting her first and when something else has my greatest attention.

Schedule time for fun – We should schedule time to simply enjoy life with our spouse. Everyone I know is busy, but we should make sure our schedule never gets too crowded to enjoy time with the love of our life. As a pastor I am never really “off work”, but I try to “be home” when I am home. Still, I will often hear my wife or my children ask me something like, “Are you really listening to me or are you thinking about your next appointment?” We must set boundaries between our home and our work or other activities. We should schedule opportunities to have fun together. When is the last time you and your wife went on a date?

Let worry go – Life is full of struggles. Struggles will never completely disappear, but we should learn how to balance the need for control in our lives and the desire to live at peace and trust God through the hard times of life. It is important that we not allow struggles that come into the marriage to tear the marriage apart, but instead we should let our trials draw us closer to each other.

Expect surprises – Stuff happens! We know that; we see bad things happen everyday, but for some reason we are caught off guard when they happen to us. We should not be surprised when our marriage needs a little extra help because of the struggles of life.

Celebrate along the way – I have been told that it takes three or four positive life occurrences to offset every negative. If this is true then each of us need to look for opportunities to celebrate the good things of life. When times are especially stressful my wife and I try to make sure we are remembering the positives in life. They are always there, but we have to sometimes look for them. Recently in an especially stressful week on an especially tedious day, my wife and I were slightly tense with each other. One of our boys said something, which may have otherwise seemed insignificant any other time, but helped us remember on this day how blessed we have been together.

Enjoy each other’s interests – It’s okay to have outside interests, but one of the goals of marriage is to enjoy life together. That usually involves enjoying each other’s activities together. I don’t like to shop necessarily, and there are certain stores where I refuse to shop, but I go shopping regularly with my wife because I love my wife and she loves shopping. It’s always amazed me that when I invest the time to shop with my wife she always tries to give back to me by allowing me to enjoy one of my interests.

Get away – We all need time away from everything. On a pastor’s income I can’t usually take fancy vacations, but I am not afraid to invest in my marriage. My wife and I love to travel.  One of our more fun things to do together is to plan an inexpensive day trips. There is something about physically leaving the environment in which we are comfortable that pushes us closer to the ones we love.

Serve Together – We have discovered that the more we serve other people together the more fun we have in our marriage. Taking mission trips have become a fun way to spend time together. Serving our church together brings us closer to each other.

Little things matter – Moments in a marriage that may seem to be minor details have the potential for major impact on the marriage relationship. It is important to handle little issues or conflict before they become big things. If a husband and wife have a minor disagreement it can easily escalate into a major division in the relationship if left unattended.

We should also allow little pleasures to bring happiness to the marriage. One of my favorite times of day is the walk my wife and I take around the neighborhood in the afternoon. That few minutes each day keeps us close relationally and helps me to see my wife in a fun setting.

Laugh at life – I read a statistic once that preschoolers laugh an average of 300 times a laugh an average of 17 times a day. The older we get the less we laugh. Laughter is good for our health and laughing together builds stronger relationships. Couples need to learn to laugh through life together.

Dream together – When couples are dating they seem to have fun discussing their future plans. Once we get married we tend to lose the art of dreaming. Dreaming inspires and encourages the heart. Dreaming together as a couple keeps the relationship fueled with new passions and desires.

Spread the pain – I am trying to model my pastoral responsibilities like the Acts 6 model in the Bible. I am learning that I cannot do everything.I shouldn’t try to live my life alone. Don’t be afraid to say “no” in order to protect your marriage. Many couples I know are so busy they never have time just for the two of them. It is also important, however, to have some close friends with whom we can share life’s burdens. None of us were meant to live on an island to ourselves and the same is true for married couples.

Try these steps and see if the fun comes back into your marriage. Marriage is supposed to be fun!

What tips do you have for making marriage fun again?