To spank or not to spank…that’s probably one of the most frequent debates I have heard about parenting, but something seldom talked about from those who teach on parenting.  I suppose I should not be surprised when I am addressed with this question often since I frequently teach on issues such as parenting, marriage and the family.  Recently when I spoke on 5 Words to Shape Your Parenting, I received several questions again about this subject.  Yesterday I began this subject of discipline. Read that post HERE.

Here are a few of my thoughts about the issue:

• This is a personal issue and one I do not feel comfortable solving for parents.  A parent can and will only enforce consistently those discipline strategies he or she agrees with personally.
• This is an important question, but not at all the most important question about parenting.  The bigger issue is having an overall plan for parenting.  I know too many parents trying to solve this question, but they have never fully thought through a strategy for where they are leading their children and how they are going to get them there.
• The goal of parenting is far more important than the methods used in parenting.  In our parenting we tried many different methods; some worked and some didn’t.  The key was that we were intentionally thinking through the goal and working towards realizing that goal in our boy’s lives.
• Each child is different.  We saw more positives in corporal punishment with one of our children than the other.
• You should never spank, or do any discipline, in anger.
• The child should never be able to question your love after the moment of discipline has passed.
• I did spank, but I hated every moment of it.  At a certain age it was the best method for one of our boys to discipline him through a strong-willed period. The cliché “this hurts me more than you” was really true for me.
• The Bible verse that is often questioned is Proverbs 13:24, which says, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”  I believe this verse can easily be interpreted as referring to spanking, based on the way the Bible uses the imagery of the rod and staff of a shepherd.  The shepherd’s methods to train the sheep were always for the sheep’s best interest, but would not have always been considered gentle discipline.  The verse is a principle, however, and I think it refers more to the principle of effective parenting than it gives us a mandate to spank.
• The mother and the father should agree on the form of discipline.  If they do not, they should perhaps get help to come to a sense of agreement.  Mothers and fathers should recognize that each plays a unique role in the process and one handles discipline differently than the other.  I was much sterner on my boys than Cheryl was and she was much more of a nurturer than I was, but both were necessary.

For me the end goal of my discipline was clearly spelled out in the Bible: Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”  What parent would not want to see the principle of that verse come true in their life some day?   Good parenting should do what works best to accomplish the goal of parenting.

What are your thoughts on this issue?

Recently I spoke at Grace Community Church and posted about 5 words to shape your parenting.   Since then I have been asked several times for more specifics about parenting.  There was a special interest in the subject of spanking; whether it was appropriate or not and whether I believe in it or not.  While I believe discipline is a personal topic for parents to decide where they land, I do believe there are some principles that are helpful for all parents to follow.  I am probably less inclined in this area to talk about what I did and more inclined to talk about the principles I believe are even more helpful.

I have written my basic overall plan for parenting in an earlier post.  You can read it HERE.  Since I believe the most important thing is that you have a plan for your parenting and where you are taking your children, here are 10 principles I believe can help the discipline part of your plan.

1. Goal set first.  Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”  You should understand the reason behind discipline.  You are taking your children somewhere they need to go.
2. You should never discipline in anger. You will say things you do not mean and do things you should not do. Discipline done is anger is rarely productive and usually harmful long-term.
3. At the time of need for discipline, remember this 3-step process: Stop/Think/Proceed.  The older your child gets the longer you can and may need to take with each step.
4. Be consistent in your discipline plan.  It will mean nothing to the child otherwise.
5. Pre-think principles, but do not try to pre-plan specifics.  You should have some   value-centered, character-based goals you want discipline to promote in your child.  You should avoid declaring what you will do when your child does something specific.  Don’t ever say, for example, my child will never wear his hair long.  You may regret those words someday.
6. Differentiate discipline for each child. To spank or not to spank should not be as big a deal as what works best for the child. (For more on this see tomorrow’s post.)
7. Do not make threats with which you are unwilling to follow through.  Your children will catch on to that real quick.
8. Use age appropriate and action appropriate discipline.  As a child matures the discipline should mature with them.  At the same time, do not overkill a minor incident or ignore a major occurrence.
9. Always discipline the child for results.  Discipline in its concept is not necessarily pleasant, but it reaps a reward if done right.  Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
10. Discipline should never teach a child he or she is unloved. Actually, if done right, it should reinforce the love a parent has for the child.  (Hebrews 12:7-10)

If you have something to add about discipline or any specific questions, feel free to comment or send me an email.

Cheryl and I are in Lithuania this week.  Read that story HERE.  We plan to update more later.

Nate and I were commenting back and forth on Facebook.  I told him I was getting up early here in Lithuania, because it is daylight from about 4 AM to 11:30 PM.  Here was his comment back:

“i’ve been up a while too.. since about 1 PM. I have to wake up early tomorrow though so I should probably go to bed soon.. I’m working on some new music stuff. The house is still in one piece… except for the giant hole in the garage door from where I forgot to raise it before backing the mower out.. thankfully the mower is more powerful than the garage door. It was about time we replaced that ole thing anyway… also the yard looks good. A couple of the neighbors stopped by to compliment how good it looked.. a few others stopped by when I wasn’t here so they left notes about it. Also the kitchen was smelling a little funny so I sprayed this stuff in there, but it turns out it was for wood services only and now the kitchen floor is really slick. Hopefully it will get better before you get back. I called the wooden floor guy to come over and fix it.. so it should be fine.. also Paw Paw has a Yugoslavian Pride hat for you.. I told him you were in Lithuania but he didn’t listen.. see ya!”

Should I be worried?  Should we bother to come home?

PS.  I love my boys!

Cheryl and I are in Lithuania.  Read other posts on this blog.  Cheryl and I differ on what an email home should look like.

Typical email home from me:

Hey guys, made it fine. Love to all.
Ron

One paragraph from a typical 12 paragraph email home from Cheryl:

The bathroom where we are staying is small, but comfortable.  We have plenty of hot water, which makes it nice.  There is not a lot of shelf space around the sink, but Ron and I have managed to each find a place for our toothbrushes.  Ron will put his on the small shelf above the sink and I will place mine on the small shelf at sink level.  The tile in the bathroom is white and red squares and is quite pretty, but doesn’t really match the rest of the décor in the room.  There is a towel warmer in the bathroom, which we have never seen before, but I am afraid to keep towels on it very long.  It does make the towels nice and warm though when we step out of the shower.

Which email would you rather receive?

God made us different for a reason.  It is just one more reason to celebrate the mystery of marriage.  (Ephesians 5:32)

Yesterday I spoke on 5 words to shape your parenting.  These are principles that can greatly increase your success as a parent.  Keep in mind that principles are not promises or guarantees, but you have a better chance of success if you follow them than if you do not.

The 5 words are:

Plan – We have a plan for most other areas of our life other than for our family.  Plan a strategy for raising children the way you want them to go.

Protect – It is critically important to protect your relationship with the child so that you can maintain influence over them for the rest of their life. This is not accomplished by giving them what they want, but by gentling balancing discipline with love.

Control – The time to gain control over a child’s actions are when they are young and then a gradual release of authority is given to them, as they get older.  Too many parents allow too much freedom early and then try to get control back when the child tries to be an independent teenager.  It should be the opposite. I wrote a blog post about that earlier.  You can read that HERE.

Invest – Children require an intentional investment of time and energy over time.  Having children who grow up well does not usually just happen, but it is as a result of the right investment of parenting.

Model – You cannot expect children to learn principles you are not willing to model for them.  Children should not be held to higher standards than you hold yourself.

To hear or see this message visit the Grace Community Church resource tab on the website or click HERE.  (It may take a couple days for this message to appear.)

One of my good friends is a man’s-man kind of guy. My friend’s name is Dirt and the name says a lot about this guy. He is a professional hunter and fisherman. He actually owns an International shooting supply company, has led professional hunting and fishing expeditions around the world and has a well known hunting show on several cable stations. (If he were a Bible character he would be a Jacob or a Peter.)

What impresses me with a guy like Dirt is that in addition to being a tough guy, he loves his wife, his two daughters and his grandchildren. Cheryl and I have traveled on the mission field with Dirt and Connie King, and underneath that rough exterior, that frankly would intimidate me if I didn’t know him, is the heart of a great guy who would do anything he could to help someone in need. Whenever he is not traveling with his television show he is sitting in church and is one of my biggest encouragers every week he is there.

I like that kind of guy. We see it in our brave soldiers who fearlessly defend our nation. We see it in the dozens of hunters and fishermen in our church. We see it in the football and baseball players and coaches. We see it in the guy who works an office job fighting his way through the corporate world or the factory worker who sweats 8 hours a day to feed his family. One thing I am so thankful for at Grace Community Church is that we have attracted a lot of men’s men who are tough outside, but inside they have tender hearts for God and their families. I love when a man leads his family to church. Of course, I am thankful for all our ladies who come even when their husbands don’t, but when  man leads the way his family will almost always follow.

I hope we are always that kind of church. Happy Father’s Day!

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. Psalm 128:3 NIV

The role of a father is so important in the home. God bless the fathers of the world today!

I have shared this story many times, but a friend told me once about an incident at her daughter’s house. Her son-in-law was really excited about reading the “Left Behind” series of fiction novels. One night he was so anxious to finish the latest release that he stayed up most of the night. Seated comfortably in his favorite chair, his back was to the rest of the house. The first time he got up was well after midnight. He was startled to stumble over one of his sons. His son was sleeping behind his chair, just to be close to “Daddy”.

What an impact a father has on his family. I can honestly say I have never met a woman who would not faithfully serve the Lord if her husband did. Most women I know, even very independent women, welcome their husband assuming the spiritual leadership of the home. Women are freer to serve Christ and be fruitful for the Kingdom when they have a supportive husband who surrounds her with unconditional love.

Children love to spend time with their fathers. They long for male attention, male interaction, and a father’s approval. One of the greatest gifts I can give to my boys is to simply spend time with them in the backyard. They love for me just to pass a ball with them. It is these times that I believe is molding their character into being godly young men.

Fathers, please, don’t neglect your greatest responsibility. I know the world is demanding much from you these days. I know you are tired from the pressures and stress of life, but your family’s health depends so greatly on the important role you play.

I love the president’s words about fathering.  Politics aside I have said a number of times on this blog that I admire the president’s commitment to family.  He has “date nights” with his wife.  He goes to his children’s parent-teacher conferences.  He sets aside time just for them.

I love his father’s day appeal to fathers also.  It’s a great standard for which all fathers should strive.  His encouragement: To be a better father than you had.  You can read the complete story HERE. All of us can make small steps of improvement, maybe even large steps, but the key is that we try to improve from generation to generation.  I have told my boys many times that I hope they improve upon what I have done as a father.  My father brightened my day recently by telling me he is thankful for the father I have tried to be.

Fathers, are you trying to improve your parenting everyday?   Do you want to be a better father than the example you had?  That’s how we will improve the generations to come!

Here’s a random post that came to me this morning. I was thinking about some of the things that encourage me in life.

 

 

 

Things such as:

• The reminder of God’s love
• Cheryl’s smile
• Time with my boys
• A baby’s giggle
• A Bible verse
• A big dream
• A kind word from a friend
• A special memory
• A thank you email
• A sense of accomplishment
• An answered prayer
• The awareness of God’s presence
• The love/innocence of a child

What would you add to this list?  What encourages you?

Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol him, all you peoples. For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.  Psalm 117

The shortest chapter in the Bible is Psalm 117. I have often wondered what was going through the Psalmist’s mind when he recorded his thoughts for this Psalm.  Was he finished?  Did he get interrupted?  Was there something else he wanted to say?  Was he satisfied with his work?  (Obviously God was.)  This shortest chapter has huge meaning.  If we were to memorize just these two verses and implement them in our life, I think it may make a difference in our perspective on the world and the situations in which we find ourselves.

We often think that for something to be grand it must be huge, but that is not the complete definition of the word grand. (For a definition look HERE.)  Shortest or smallest does not always indicate lack of importance.  Many times it is the smallest detail that determines success or failure with a project.  The shortest moments of time can often cause the greatest and the most horrific life changes.  In my life the shortest words of encouragement have often had the biggest impact.

Are you concerning yourself with the small things that matter most?