Merry Christmas!

It has been a great year for the Edmondson’s.

We spent our first full year in our downtown condo. We love it. When weather and schedules cooperate, we walk downtown at night and through the campus of Austin Peay State University (our Alma mater and the fastest growing university in our state). We even dine on campus some nights. You can’t beat $14 for all you can eat for two of us! We love sitting on our front porch, which overlooks the river walk. At Christmas time, we can see the lights and hear the music. It’s been a great change of pace for these new empty-nesters.

Did I mention I haven’t mowed a lawn in over a year?

Jeremy and Mary had a beach wedding in May. It was a beautiful day surrounded by close friends and immediate family. It was the most special wedding I’ve ever performed. The happy couple…they really are very happy together…live in downtown Nashville, where they, too, overlook the river, as well as Titans stadium. Jeremy has proven to be a hard worker and is doing well in his new career in marketing and social media. Jeremy and Mary love Pete Wilson‘s Cross Point Church in Nashville and are active in their community group.

Nate has a year left at Moody Bible Institute. He will graduate a semester early next December and then plans to attend seminary. We are exploring those options now. Nate spent the summer studying with Moody in Europe. He experienced Germany, Italy and Switzerland and made memories that will last a lifetime. He is blessed to work with Jarrett and Jeanne Stevens at Soul City Church in Chicago, where they have given him multiple opportunities to serve. Nate did the music and production for a Christmas album this year. It’s free. I wrote about it HERE.

It’s a blessing to know your children continue to love the body of Christ and remain active in church when they leave home. I’m thankful for those who are investing in them.

Cheryl and I remain extremely busy in ministry and life. We joke that we truly live an “abundant” life. We aren’t still long, but God is giving us incredible opportunities for Kingdom-influence during this season. This year our ministry opportunities have grown within Grace and beyond. We do not want to waste a minute of what God wants to do with our life!

This Christmas, I realize I’m blessed far beyond what I deserve. I’m happily married to my best friend, we have children who honor Christ with their life, and we have enough material things that we have plenty to share with others. This has been a good year.

There have been years it was harder to write those words, but I’m just old enough to know, whether good seasons or bad, God is in control, He has a plan, and all things truly do work for an ultimate good.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Sometimes I get angry…or to Cheryl it looks like anger.

Your right to cry is my right to be angry!

It’s usually not a major issue, it could be a car that pulls out in front of me or a reaction to a ballgame. Sometimes it’s even disappointment in myself, but at times I have to remind Cheryl that I have a right to be angry…or at least to express the emotion I feel, which to her looks like anger. (It’s usually not what I would even term anger…maybe frustration…but my definition and hers might differ.) I have as much right to feel my emotions of anger, as Cheryl has a right to cry.

Let me be clear. I have rarely been angry at her. Thankfully that has only happened a couple times in our marriage, but as a man, I have as much a right to be angry as Cheryl has a right, as a woman, to cry. I don’t usually express emotion in tears. Instead, the same emotions that Cheryl feels when she sheds tears are often expressed by me in what appears to her to be anger. Anger in its simplest form is an emotional release as a reaction to a situation; much like crying. (As some women have pointed out to me before, this can be personality driven, so the roles can be reversed in a relationship also.)

Please don’t misunderstand. My right to express anger is never an excuse to throw things, hit someone, or even be verbally abusive. I never have that right. You don’t either. None of us should allow our emotions to turn into times of violence. There is never an excuse for that. Learning to control our emotions is a key to establishing healthy relationships. (If your emotions are uncontrollable then I encourage you to seek help. Addressing serious emotional problems for the male or female is not the purpose of this post.)

In Ephesians chapter four, it is clear that we should not sin in anger. We are also told not to go to bed in anger, and, thankfully, Cheryl and I have a commitment not to do that in our marriage. Further, in the same passage, we are told to get rid of anger. The passage, however, clearly allows a place for anger in our lives.

The dilemma between couples is not to limit a person from feeling, or even expressing, emotions. Bottled up emotions are dangerous. The real issue is to better understand the differences in our makings and learn to adapt who we are in a mutually submissive response to each other. In my relationship with Cheryl, as an example, when I get angry at something when I’m with her, which is again often my natural response to things that upset me, I must control that anger to keep it from becoming harmful to our relationship. I still reserve the right to feel and express the emotions, just as Cheryl has the right to cry when she is upset while in my company. The goal in any relationship is to create a healthy environment where both parties are free to be emotionally open with each other, while maintaining the strength and integrity of the relationship.

In order to accomplish that, I have to guard against my emotional expressions causing a wedge between us. Most women don’t like to see anger displayed. When a man gets angry, even with controlled anger, the woman may feel threatened, intimidated and uneasy. That’s a natural reaction to a misunderstood emotion. Two things need to happen, therefore. First, Cheryl has to understand when I’m angry, it’s an emotional release, that may or may not be aimed at her, but is normal for my wiring. Second, I need to limit my emotional release to the point where her understanding can process my emotions. When I cause her to shut down in fear, for example, because of what she views as anger, then I’ve crossed the line in what is an appropriate emotional release.

What needs to be equally understood is that the same thing often happens to a man in reaction to a woman’s tears. When Cheryl, or any woman, begins to cry I immediately shut-down, become defensive; perhaps even a little afraid. I don’t know how to respond adequately to a woman in tears, just as most women don’t know how to respond to a man in his displayed anger.

This is a paradox that exists in the male/female relationship because we are so different. It is part of the mystery that in the end causes attraction between the two sexes. This post is also not an excuse for a person’s refusal to mature in areas such as growing in patience or offering forgiveness. As we mature, our emotional highs and lows should flare less about things that matter less. (Explaining all that would need another post.)

The next time your man gets angry at something, give him time to unwind, help him process through it if he wants you to, but let him be a man. Guys, let your wives cry without trying to fix the thing she is crying about! Then, both the man and the woman should use the experience to learn from each other and have a stronger, more emotionally open and healthy relationship.

I’m fully confident this post will cause some anger to raise among my women readers. That’s okay. I can handle anger. Just please, don’t cry!

You may now want to read:

5 Tips in Communicating with Men

5 Tips in Communicating with Women

(Also, read the comments to this post. I’ve expanded some thoughts there.)

Cheryl and I went on our first cruise recently. It was the Giving Rocket cruise with my good friend Casey Graham. We went because we love Casey, we needed a break and we always wanted to try a cruise. It was a Royal Caribbean cruise and sailed to the Bahamas and a private island.

I’ve heard people say they could never try a cruise. Some of the same people say they would never try a bed & breakfast. (I wrote about why you should HERE.)

After my first cruise, here are things I liked and things I didn’t…

Things I like:

Eating – I got 2 entrees every night…just because I could.

Forced downtime – I’m almost never still. It’s not in my nature to truly relax. (I do take a Sabbath, but my idea of “resting” is to do something I want to do…such as something productive. )

Price – You can get a nice vacation for a reasonable amount of money. There are great deals on a cruise. (This is in spite one of my things I didn’t like.)

Things I don’t:

Limited access to Internet – Can we not speed up satellite connections?

Motion sickness – I understand that our first night was unusually rough at sea. Our ship had to alter it’s schedule to accommodate the weather. I was sick. After the first night, however, I was fine.

The “extras” – I’d rather a cruise simply tell you how much the price is, include everything in it, and know on the front end what the total cost is going to be. I’m sure there are cruises that do that, which are obviously more expensive, but I’d like to try one.

Overall, it’s a great experience and we will take another cruise.

Have you been on a cruise? Where’d you go? What cruise line?

Cheryl,

You may have noticed, I’ve written quite a bit recently on mid-life. You may recall, for example, that I wrote recently 10 Thoughts on Mid-Life I’m Learning (I’m trusting you still read my blog ). As I’ve been so intentional about this phase of our life, moving downtown, exploring writing and speaking opportunities, etc…some may question if this is a mid-life crisis of sorts…though tame it may be.

You know I get bored easily and I love change. You’ve seen me become restless many times in life. You recognize that I’m never completely satisfied in so many professional areas of my life. It occurred to me that with all the talk of life change and life realizations, that you may wonder where you fit into my current thoughts at this point in my life.

I can’t imagine you’d question my intentions or my commitment, and I’m thankful for the closeness we have in our marriage, but I also know you aren’t wired as I’m wired. Saying “I love you” once might seem permanent to me, but you tend to want to hear this more often.

So, just to clarify, I decided to put my words in writing.

I’m here for you! Mid-life crisis or not, I’m as committed to you as I’ve ever been. You are the best evidence of grace that God has given me apart from my salvation.

I can’t imagine life without you. We’ve been through more than most couples ever experience…you’ve often referred to it as our “abundant life”. Thanks for dreaming with me…and letting me dream bigger dreams. Thanks for giving me freedom to be random at times and for following me into the unknown. God has taken us places we never could have imagined, some we hoped for, some we didn’t, but He’s always proven to be faithful.

Thanks for grounding me and for being a living example of faith and resolve. Your strength is amazing and your tenderness for me and others always inspires me. I could only hope to be loved as much as you are loved by so many. You brighten every life that you touch.

Just to be clear…since I know you love clarity and details. I’m not going anywhere. Even though we see so many around us giving up on marriage, even at this stage of life, I am stuck on you. You are stuck with me!

It’s a good feeling to know there is one person always in my corner. Thanks for being that one!

Love you,

Ron

I encounter people who think it’s someone else’s job, perhaps my job as a leader, to make them happy. You may have also seen this same expectation of a spouse, a friend, or a parent. Some people expect other people to make them happy.

In fact, to me, that doesn’t even seem fair to the person wanting happiness. I may define happiness different than they do. What makes them happy may not make me happy. They may be happy on days I’m not so happy.

Happiness is a much more personal subject than something I can or care to control for someone else. I have enough trouble dealing with the issue personally.

The fact is, as a leader, I need to create an environment where:

• If they love the vision…
• If they can respect my leadership…
• If they are willing to work responsibly…
• If they are generally healthy individuals…

They can be happy.

But their personal happiness is out of my direct control.

I want people to be happy, but I can’t make them happy.

Here’s my advice, seek your happiness in the contentment you find in your relationship with Jesus Christ. Count your blessings…name them one by one. Find happiness in the simplest times of life. Choose happiness as a desired emotion. Put on a happy face! You have far more control over that in your life than I do.

Have you been expecting someone to make you happy? Is that a realistic expectation?

As with most pastors, I’ve performed a fair number of weddings. Part of being in ministry is helping couples enter the most important of relationships…marriage. It’s a daunting task and responsibility. Prior to a wedding, however, a minister has access to speak into a couple’s life in a way unique to any other time in their life.

I feel it’s important to help couples, as much as I can, be prepared for marriage. With time always at a premium, I frequently suggest couples walk through the book “Preparing for Marriage“. I’ve found it a helpful tool in thinking through many of the issues a marriage will encounter. I also try to make sure, as a minimum, the couple understands a few key principles prior to their wedding day.

Here are 7 issues I try to teach in pre-marital counseling:

You are different – Opposites do tend to attract. Each spouse is not only differently physically, but there are differences in backgrounds, outlook on life and the way to approach a situation. This is not intended as a curse against marriage. God designed those differences for a reason. The more a couple learns to celebrate those differences, the stronger a marriage will become. (I address this issue in previous posts HERE and HERE.)

Leave and cleave – Don’t let either set of in-laws dictate how you lead your new family. Decide in advance that no one, related or otherwise, is going to be a wedge between you two. Every couple has lots of other relationships, including perhaps children someday, but none of them should be allowed to interfere with the oneness God intends to create with the marriage. (I address these interferences more in THIS POST.)

Expect surprises – Life won’t always be as blissful as it is today. There will be hard days, whether self-induced or life-induced. Life brings changes and those times have the ability to catch even the best marriages off guard if not prepared for them. We can never be fully prepared for what might come, but we can prepare ourselves that when something comes, whatever it is and no matter how hard it is, that we will handle it . Couples should use these times to improve the strength of their marriage rather than allow them to pull the marriage apart. (I talk about this issue in a post on keeping the marriage fun. Find it HERE.)

Make a commitment to the marriage no matter what – Couples usually assume they are doing this by standing at the altar together, but statistics would say otherwise. Many times these days a person is saying “I’m committed until it becomes difficult or until the love we have today fades.” That’s not the Biblical picture of marriage God designed. Marriage is more than simply a feeling of love, it is a commitment to love…for better or worse…from this day forward. Verbalizing and agreeing to that on the front end, and continuing to remind yourself of that through the difficult days, will help the marriage last. Couples who should ask for help soon, not letting problems in the marriage linger too long without asking for help. Remove the fear of asking for professional counseling if necessary. It would be better to get help early than to see the marriage disintegrate beyond repair. (I preached a message on the commitment of marriage HERE.)

Model after the right couples – I encourage couples to find a couple whose marriage they admire and follow them closely. Most likely they have some stories to share. Things may not have been as wonderful throughout their marriage as they are today. No doubt they have learned some practices to having a strong marriage. I challenge couples to learn all they can from the couple they want to be like. (I did a post about this issue HERE.)

Evaluate often – Couples should ask  themselves often, are we growing together as a couple or further apart? Is the marriage growing stronger or are there holes that need addressing? Don’t assume your spouse feels as you do. (I’ve learned this is especially true for men who often don’t know there is a problem until it’s a big problem.) Establish the understanding early in the relationship that you have the right to periodically check on the state of your marriage. (Read a post about questions to assess the health of a marriage HERE.)

Put Christ first – This is the one most couples expect the pastor to say, but it’s not just the preacher answer, it’s the best secret to a lasting marriage. “A chord of three strands is not easily broken.” A couple’s individual and collective relationship with Christ will ensure they can endure the hardest days of a marriage. When the relationship with Christ suffers, the marriage will often suffer. Satan looks for any excuse to destroy the marriage. Pour your heart and life into Christ and let Him strengthen and sustain your marriage. (I preached on Christ’s standard for marriage HERE.)

That’s my list. I’m not sure they apply simply to premarital couples. These are good principles for couples regardless of how long they have been married.

Just so you know, I have, at times, simply shared with them this list. Sometimes I weave them into the discussion. Regardless of how you choose to do it, make sure you are strategic in helping couples begin their married life together.

Pastors, how do you do premarital counseling? What would you add to my list?

(I posted this several years ago. It remains one post that I’ve printed more than any other to give to individuals I meet with in my office. I decided it was worth sharing again.)

I want to encourage you to write a letter today (if needed).

In counseling people who are experiencing difficulty in a relationship I have often encouraged them to practice the art of letter-writing. Most of the time I try to help them improve their one-to-one communication skills, but some things are easier and better to express on paper than in person. For example, a letter may be needed when a couple cannot communicate without arguing; when one person refuses to listen to reason or even give the other person an audience, or when one person is so intimidating to talk to that a point is hard to make with them verbally. Some things seem to convey more importance and get closer attention if they are written rather than just spoken.

A letter allows you to think through what you have to say and cuts down on reactionary arguments that come when trying to discuss something controversial. A letter will usually be read several and even many times; further enforcing the points you are trying to make. A letter is harder to dismiss than a verbal conversation. Please note, this is also NOT email. This is letter writing. That requires a paper and pen, or at least a printer and paper. Email quickly becomes an exchange of ideas that can almost be as counter-productive as the verbal communication. It’s too easy to hit the “reply” button quickly with emails. This is usually a near “final straw” kind of approach, so put the time into it that it requires.

I’m not advocating that you avoid personal conversations, but if the situation calls for it…

Here are 10 things to remember before writing your letter:

• Spend as much time praying about it as you spend writing the letter.
• Edit, then edit, and then edit again. (Again if needed.)
• Write with an end goal to benefit the receiver and the overall situation in mind. (This should eliminate some things you probably shouldn’t say anyway.)
• Just as you should do in verbal communication, don’t attack the person; address the issue. Leave personal jabs out of the letter. Try not to start a sentence with “you”. It puts people on the defensive. (This is what editing is all about.)
• Try to express your true heart; not your anger. Remember, you are attempting to say those things, which for whatever reason, you aren’t able to say effectively in person. Don’t lose your audience by “going off” on the person.
• The goal is not to be a martyr; no one responds well to that approach. The goal is to be transparent and communicate effectively.
• Make sure you dedicate as much or even more time focusing on the part you have played in developing a bad relationship or situation. If an apology is needed, give it clearly and completely in the letter.
• Be clear about the points you are trying to convey. Read them back to yourself.This is one of the best benefits of letter writing. You have the opportunity to clearly think through your response; so don’t lose your chance here.
• Before you send the letter, ask yourself: “How would I respond if someone sent this letter to me?”
• If you aren’t certain about the quality of your letter, give these instructions and the letter to someone else (whom you trust) and ask them to read it. Let them tell you how they would respond if they received this letter.

Remember, this is not a miracle cure, so don’t expect immediate results. The person may not respond the way you would have them to and you may not even know they read the letter. You can be assured they will!

I hope you never have to write the type letter discussed in this post. Chances are, however, if you live a normal life there will be a few situations that merit the true art of letter writing. Write well!

Have you seen where a letter helps a situation better than an face-to-face encounter?

I’m off today…

My “Type A” personality says I probably should be working…

I’ve been traveling a great deal lately…

I have work to do…

It’s called catching up…

But I’m off today…

Why?

Because my wife is off today…

And I love my wife…

Here’s the reality I try to live everyday…

If I don’t protect my marriage I can’t help yours…

If I don’t invest in my marriage, I can’t invest in your marriage…

If my marriage is struggling, so will my other work…

In fact, so will every part of my life…

I’m a better pastor when my marriage is strong…

So, don’t work too hard today…

I scheduled myself off…

BTW, be honest: What’s the state of your marriage today?

“You Can’t”

Oh yea?…we’ll see about that…

Cheryl and I hang out together on Saturdays. It’s our favorite time of the week. We do whatever we want to do…together. Many times that involves eating. Our boys say when they are old and boring, they want to be like us…often driving miles just to eat somewhere new or unique.

On a recent Saturday we found a new breakfast place. It was good…not as good as we hoped for…but not bad. We had plans that evening to drive an hour away to an Italian restaurant we had heard about, but never been. In the middle of the day, I told her I was going to eat something…I don’t remember what. She said, “You can’t eat that now. You won’t eat any supper.”

Oh yea?…we’ll see about that…

I didn’t want something to eat as much as I wanted to show her I could eat whatever it was and still eat a full supper.

That’s a simple illustration, but it’s repeated throughout my life. Tell me I can’t and I want to prove that I can.

What is it about me?

Am I alone in this desire to prove those two words wrong?

(BTW, You can’t comment on this post and tell me you’re like me…or that I’m weird. YOU CAN’T!)

I previously wrote 7 Ways to Encourage Your Wife. Several wives (and some husbands) asked for the counterpart. How do you encourage your husband? Fair enough.

I have been guilty of assuming men are simple to encourage, so I had actually written previous posts

If a wife wants to encourage a husband

and

A secret a husband keeps but needs you to know

each involving just one thing to do. You should probably read those posts first, but to keep with the women’s post…

Here are 7 ways to encourage your husband:

Give him a break from sharing details or emotions – Unless the situation demands it or he wants to share them, let him share the basic facts and information in a non-emotional way. It may be all he knows, has observed or remembers. Give him times when “That’s nice” is enough for an answer.

Brag on him – Especially to your friends… Let them know your guy is the greatest! Be sincere, but do it often and make sure he hears you.

Appreciate his interests - If he likes golf…learn a little about the game…enough to encourage him on a good day. If it’s fishing, cars, or football…well…you get the idea… (Bonus points: Give him hobby time – Most men love knowing they have your permission to enjoy a hobby, without wondering if they should be doing something else.)

Understand his work – A man is often more defined by what he does than anything else in his life. Know enough about his work to recognize his accomplishments.

Be available to him – And occasionally without a lot of effort on his part… Remember…you asked…or at least some of you did.

Assure him you’re okay…and he’s okay – On this one, I have to be honest…many times we are left wondering if everything is okay. We can’t read emotions as well as you do, but we know when you’re NOT okay. You can encourage him by assuring him nothing is wrong, even if you can’t process at the time how you feel or “what’s wrong”.

Let him fix something – This is not just with his hands…unless he can do that sort of thing…(I can’t) but with his mind. He’s wired as a fixer. Give him an actual problem to solve…and let him solve it without your help.

I almost said “let him eat steak”, but decided some men may prefer ice cream…so I’ll let you decide that one… You know your husband better than I do!

Men, what would you add to my list? What are some ways your wife can encourage you?

You may also want to read 6 Top Needs of a Husband.