I’ve seen a lot of conflict in my life. From parents and couples in my office for counseling to employment situations where two people can’t get along. I’ve even seen a fight in the grocery store because someone thought someone else cut line.

As an observer, I’ve learned a few things about facing conflict. Primarily, I’ve observed that the way one person responds often determines the way the other person responds. That makes sense, doesn’t it?

When you are backed into a corner and facing potential conflict you can come out fighting, or you can be smart about it, plan your response, and help turn the situation for good.

In fact, the secrets of facing the fire of conflict should be elementary.

Here are 3 steps when backed into a corner:

Stop

Stop and think. What is the best approach? What do you really want to accomplish? Based on that, how should you respond? The opening moments are always critical in any conflict. You can quickly back someone or yourself into a corner. Cornered people move into a self-protection mode, fail to react rationally, and the sense of what’s best is lost. It requires practice, but take adequate time to plan the best way to approach the other party. It may require you being silent when your prone to speak, but this one step often avoids much of the unnecessary and unproductive conflict. (As an example, Jesus took time to make a whip before driving the money changers out of the temple. John 2)

Drop

Drop the right to win. When you come into a potential fiery situation with a have-to-win attitude you cloud your ability to work for the best results. Self-centeredness always gets in the way of healthy conflict. Be humble and agree that you are going to do what is best, even if that means you don’t get your way. This doesn’t mean you give in to the other party, but the goal in conflict should not be to win personally, but to reach the best solution for everyone.

Roll

Roll out the best approach. I realize it takes two or more people to make this happen, but when one party is willing to do the first two it makes accomplishing the best so much more likely. Go into every potential conflict with a humble desire for the best solution to be accomplished.

Avoid an unnecessary fire. Don’t come out swinging.

Stop, drop and roll.

Be honest, how are you at holding your tongue when needed?

Related posts:

1. One Thing I’ve Learned About Conflict
2. How is Your Organization Handling Conflict?
3. 10 Tips For Handling Conflict

When you’re having trouble communicating…

When you can’t get children to respond appropriately…

When your team isn’t cooperating…

When the marriage is struggling…

Before you address the problem with the other person…

Ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

First…

What in you needs changing?

In what ways are you contributing to the problem?

How could you communicate differently?

Before you address the problems with others…

Look inside yourself…

Obviously, as a child of God, we start with God, allow Him to examine our hearts and shape us into His image, but in my experience, we often we look at the other person first…and think it’s all about them. I think we have a responsibility to humbly consider our own shortcomings. Many times, if we will look at ourself, we’ll either find the problem or we’ll find a better way to address the problem.

Get to know the person in the mirror…

Before you criticize others…

Could this principle change the way you lead?

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3. 3 Steps to Jump Start Your Spiritual Life

It’s a principle true in leadership and life

People don’t know what they don’t know

It’s hard to hold an employee accountable for something they never knew

You can’t expect your spouse to remember things you never told him or her

It’s hard to be disappointed no one comforted you in your pain if they didn’t know you were hurting

Your child can’t live up to a standard you never set

People don’t know what they don’t know

If you want them to know…don’t assume they do…tell them

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1. Intentionally Loving People
2. 4 Ways People Play Church
3. A Special Message to Divorced People from a Pastor

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This week I woke one morning to a text from my 20 year old son Nate. It simply said, “I don’t know why, but I think you should go see great grandma and great granddaddy.”

My grandparents live in a nursing home. At 48, it’s amazing that I have 2 grandparents still living. My grandfather is 99 and grandmother is 94. I realize I should go see them more often, but I took Nate’s advice and went the same day.

My grandparents stay in different rooms, even though they are still passionately in love. My grandmother says he talks too much and would keep her up at night

When I arrived my grandfather was in the hallway. I stopped, kneeled down and talked with him for a while. Then I pushed him where he was headed, just outside the dining room. He likes to sit and wait until they bring my grandmother to lunch. We sat in front of a big picture window and talked.

My grandfather’s body is still strong. His mind comes and goes but his long-term memory is great. My grandmother’s body is weak, but her mind is excellent.

Our conversation was random most of the time, but I decided to take out my phone and record some of the nuggets of awesomeness from my grandfather.

Here are random thoughts from a 99 year old:

I’m just looking for Pauline (Shortly after I found him wandering the halls. Pauline is my grandmother. They’ve been married over 70 years. I wrote about that HERE.)

I was born in 1912. That was a long time ago now. (When I asked how he was feeling. I suppose that was enough of an answer.)

Time flies so fast (When I talked about his upcoming 100th birthday. I guess that’s true regardless of age.)

I remember fishing in a pond down from our house when I was a boy. (Reminding me to make memories that last.)

I feel a lot older than that (When I asked him if he felt 99)

You turned out to be a handsome man (I guess grandads have to say that.)

What do you think about Pauline? (He asked this several times. I told him I liked her a lot )

She’s the prettiest girl I know (Speaking of my grandmother. He’s been saying that all my life)

That window used to be a door I bet. Those are not hard to replace. (As we looked out the window.)

I miss John Reid (Speaking of my father who died a couple years ago)

He never caused me any problems. (Again speaking of my father, who rebelled for many years. Reminding me we mostly remember the good days.)

I don’t think I ever spanked him. Well, maybe once. (I suspect he forgot a few times )

I wish Pauline felt better. (He appears to worry about her.)

Those bugs are hard to get rid of (Random thought while looking out the window. He then proceeded to tell me how he would get rid of them. It involved some sawing, a drill, a hammer and some nails.)

I can’t believe the Lord blessed me with someone like Pauline. (Here’s a man who dearly loves his wife. It was challenging.)

We didn’t use to write like that. (Speaking of me typing into my phone taking notes on what he was saying.)

It must have a good memory (Not sure he was using memory in the same sense I would, but it made sense.)

I need to go find Pauline… (I told him I’d help him find his sweetheart.)

Grandparents are awesome!

Surely it’s Grandparents Day somewhere…Tell me about your grandparents…or what it’s like being one!

Related posts:

1. 4 Commitments We’ll Make as Grandparents
2. Marriage Moment: The Dangerous 7 Year Phenomenon
3. 3 Dates…70 Years of Marriage…True Love

To download the song, click HERE.

Thank you Daniel!

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Here’s a guest post from 11 year-old Mallory Fundora. Mallory and her family are active members of Grace Community Church. I love her vision and passion. She reminds me of Isaiah 11:6 “and a little child will lead them”. Be inspired…

Here are the words of Mallory Fundora:

In October 2011 I sat down to write my Christmas list for my parents, I looked around my room and I realized there was nothing I needed, nothing I wanted. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought about the children in Africa, and how they weren’t going to get Christmas presents, and there was a lot of things that they needed. So, I sent my mom an email with my Christmas list, one thing on it, to help Africa.

See, in August of 2010 the Ugandan Orphan Children’s Choir came to my church to perform, and I got to meet the children, and they were amazing. They were so loving, and just wanted to hug me and hold my hand. My mom had also started doing work for a couple of organizations that helped in Uganda, so she had taught me about the children there.

The day after I sent the email my Mom and I sat down and talked about what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to help. I contacted Amazima Ministries and Project Have Hope and I told them what I wanted to do, and I asked them how I could best help them. That is how Project Yesu was born. My goals at first were simple, I wanted to raise $600 to sponsor 2 children, one from Amazima and one from Project Have Hope. When you sponsor a child, it pays for food, medicine and sends them to school. I also decided I wanted to send Christmas cards to the children in Uganda, I mean who doesn’t like to get a card, it makes you smile. So I drew two different card designs and I contacted a local printing company and asked them if they would donate the printing of 650 cards, they did.

So I started to tell people about Project Yesu, and my mom helped me start a blog so people could read about it. I met with my Children’s pastor and asked if our youth group could help me with the cards, because I wanted them to be personal, so I needed a lot of help to write out 650 cards. I also spoke to my youth group, and told them about Project Yesu and about the children in Uganda and asked them to help me raise money. Every week I set up a booth at my church to tell people about my project, and the word spread.

In only 8 weeks I raised over $2,400 and I was able to sponsor 7 children. It was way more then I had originally planned on and it was great. I got to meet some wonderful people, and tell them my story. I was invited to go to WAYFM a Christian radio station because they learned about my project, and I was even on TV. The NBC station out of Nasvhille did a story on Project Yesu.

I read a quote one day from Mahatma Ghandi that said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”. That’s what I want to do, I want to be the change, I want to make a difference, I want to help people. Everyone thinks kids are selfish or that we’re just kids and we can’t do anything like this. I want to show people what a difference one person can make. If someone, because they heard about me, or met me, decides that they can be a change too, then it will spread from me, to that person, to another person and so on. Kids have good ideas, and you know what? We don’t know all the reasons why it won’t work, we just know we what we want to do.

I know with Project Yesu, I am making a difference, not only in the lives of the seven children in Uganda who now have food, medicine and can go to school. But I am making a difference in the lives of my family, my friends, my teachers and even people I have never met before.

I want Project Yesu to continue to spread and grow, and to do that I need people like you, who are reading this post to spread the word and to help me. My goals for 2012 is to raise $4,500 – who knows maybe I’ll double that this year or even triple that and be able to help more and more children in Uganda. I plan to travel to Uganda in December of 2012 to hand deliver the Christmas cards to the children, to meet my sponsored children and to love on the children of Uganda who have changed my life.

If you want to know more about Project Yesu, or how you can help you can find me on Facebook – www.facebook.com/projectyesu or go to my site www.projectyesu.org.

I am selling T-shirts and wristbands to raise funds, and I am also looking for families, groups, classrooms or anyone to be a part of the “Be The Change” campaign by collecting coins to donate towards Project Yesu.

So I have accepted the challenge to be the change…. Will you?

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As a pastor, I’m consistently asked about disciplining children. I posted on this previously, but decided to revise it some and post again.

There is always special interest in the subject of spanking; whether it was appropriate or not and whether I believe in it or not. While I believe discipline is a personal topic for parents to decide where they land, I do believe there are some principles that are helpful for all parents to follow. I am probably less inclined in this area to talk about what I did and more inclined to talk about the principles I believe are even more helpful.

I have written my basic overall plan for parenting in an earlier post. You can read it HERE. Since I believe the most important thing is that you have a plan for your parenting and where you are taking your children, here are 10 principles I believe can help the discipline part of your plan.

Here are 10 tips for parents on healthy discipline:

Goal set first. Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”  You should understand the reason behind discipline.  You are taking your children somewhere they need to go.

Never discipline in anger. You will say things you do not mean and do things you should not do. Discipline done is anger is rarely productive and usually harmful long-term.

At the time of need for discipline, remember this 3-step process: Stop/Think/Proceed.  The older your child gets the longer you can and may need to take with each step.

Be consistent in your discipline plan. It will mean nothing to the child otherwise.

Pre-think principles, but do not try to pre-plan specifics. You should have some   value-centered, character-based goals you want discipline to promote in your child.  You should avoid declaring what you will do when your child does something specific.  Don’t ever say, for example, my child will never wear his hair long.  You may regret those words someday.

Differentiate discipline for each child. To spank or not to spank should not be as big a deal as what works best for the child. (For more on this see THIS POST.)

Do not make threats with which you are unwilling to follow through. Your children will catch on to that real quick.

Use age appropriate and action appropriate discipline. As a child matures the discipline should mature with them. At the same time, do not overkill a minor incident or ignore a major occurrence.

Always discipline the child for results. Discipline in its concept is not necessarily pleasant, but it reaps a reward if done right.  Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Discipline should never teach a child he or she is unloved. Actually, if done right, it should reinforce the love a parent has for the child. (Hebrews 12:7-10)

If you have something to add about discipline or any specific questions, feel free to comment.

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1. 10 Principles of Healthy and Effective Discipline for Children
2. 8 Paradigm Shapers for Making Discipline Decisions as a Parent
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Spend more energy on what you can change rather than what you cannot.

Spend more time reading a book than watching television.

Spend more time extending grace than holding a grudge.

Spend more time listening than talking.

Spend more time dreaming than dreading.

Spend more energy with people you love rather than things you can buy.

Do you have more?

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This year, Water Missions International is launching a major church initiative called Water Sunday. Water Sunday is one Sunday that a church dedicates to the global water crisis. All the materials will be provided to you to make this a fun and energizing Sunday for your church. Churches across the country are hosting Water Sunday’s in March. (March 22nd is World Water Day) You will be amazed at the work that the Holy Spirit will do in your church members hearts when they look outward at those in need around the world.

Water Sunday from Water Missions on Vimeo.

Here’s what you should know:

• All the materials are provided. (promo video, lesson materials, graphics, sermon notes)
• March 2012 is the focus month, but you can choose to host a different time that fits in your ministry schedule.
• The global water crisis takes the life of one child every twenty seconds.
• Connect your church community with communities in the developing world.
• Share the love of Christ in a tangible way and equip a local pastor with a valuable tool to share the gospel!

In the following months – inspiring photos, videos, and stories will come back showing the direct impact your church made.

Expect God to show up in BIG ways!

Visit the Water Sunday Website to learn more and sign up your church NOW!

Here is a short testimony of this impact:

“People are always questioning about how this system works and asking how they can acquire it. We always tell them about our Great God and there we end up with the chance of preaching to them the gospel. Can you imagine that even non believers come willing to offer us land to plant churches because of this water system. Not one or two, many have come to us! So to us, it is an iron tool for the gospel.” Pastor Charles – Glory Center church – Neddje, Uganda

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