5 Don’ts of Healthy Communication

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In my career, I work with a lot of people in a lot of settings. You might say my job involves a lot of relationships. And, in the process, I have learned the key to healthy relationships is communication. Communication is an art of sorts. Some are better at it than others.

I have seen relationships destroyed because of poor communication. I know marriages that could improve if we improved the communication in the marriage. I’ve seen people avoid other people, because they know how the communication will go when they encounter them. I’ve known people who are short on quality relationships, and, honestly, many times it is because they never learned or don’t practice healthy communication.

So, sincerely, this post is intended to help. We are all guilty or some of these at times. This blogger/pastor included. So, this is a reminder to me also.

Here are 5 Don’ts of Healthy Communication:

Don’t always have a bigger story. This is the one I’ve been guilty of the most of these five. Someone is telling you their story and their experience reminds you of your experience. So, naturally, you interrupt their story, or don’t appear to be listening closely, because you want to share your story. But, remember, right now they are sharing “their” experience. It is important enough to them to share it with you. Don’t try to trump their story. It is rude and it shuts them down. Discipline yourself to wait for the right opportunity…and be okay if it doesn’t come…sometimes your only role is to listen.

Don’t talk more than you listen. This will address the person you’re thinking of in the first point that is always sharing their story. They never listen. They don’t give you a chance to share yours. If this is you…stop talking and listen. Ask questions. Show genuine concern. Be interested in what others have to say too. You’ll find people more interested in what you have to share when it’s your turn.

Don’t always be negative. All of us are negative at times. Life is hard and it impacts us. That’s partly what friendships are for…to share our burdens with one another. But every conversation and every comment we make shouldn’t be negative. That makes it difficult to build a sustainable, healthy relationship, because sometimes the other person needs you to be positive on the day they are especially negative.

Don’t consistently have the last word. Sure you’ve got one more word to share. We get that. You’ve already proven that point. But, sometime let them say the final word. It’s humbling for you. And, good. For you and them. And, the conversation. And, the relationship.

Don’t speak before you think. This is so important. Maybe the most important. It includes the saying, “If you can’t say something good…don’t say anything…or nothing if you want to be like Thumper…at all.” If we could catch our words before they exit our mouths, filter them through the power of love and grace, then release them, we could keep from injuring those with whom we are trying to communicate. And, relationships could thrive apart from the injury of inappropriate or awkward…often even mean-spirited words.

Okay, be honest, upon which of these do you need to improve? What others would you share? Remeber, I shared mine. Now your turn.

My Additional Writings

I am consistently asked if I have a book written. I haven’t written a book yet. I hope to some day. But, I have written a lot.

Readers if this blog may not know that prior to blogging I spent over 10 years writing an online devotional. You can find it at mustardseedministry.com.

A few years ago, I published some of them into a book. You can find it HERE.

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I’ve written a couple other resources also.

Recently, Lifeway published a Bible study on conflict. If your small group or Sunday school needs a study, we all deal with conflict. You can find it HERE.

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Finally, if you lead a men’s group, I have written a men’s Bible study titled “Questions In a Man’s Journey”. It’s a short, 9 week study, with lots of questions to help guide discussion and self-discovery. I wrote it years ago for personal use when leading groups, but in recent years other groups have requested to use it. You can find it HERE.

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I still hope to write a book someday. Until then, thanks for reading this blog and my other work.

3 Seemingly Non-Productive Activities that are Always Productive

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Here’s a secret about my life you may not know.

Some of the most productive activities in my life can seem non-productive.

When I consider the fullness of my calendar…as a busy pastor and leader, every moment counts. I live by a schedule and a mound of checklists.

But, I’ve learned there are some things, which may take time from other things, which make the other things even more productive…and life more meaningful.

Here are seemingly non productive activities that are always productive:

Quiet time – If I start my day quietly reflecting on something (really Someone) bigger than the world I’m about to face, I feel better prepared to meet that world. I’d love to say every morning is an earth-shattering, Jesus rock my world experience. It’s not. But, when I discipline myself to slow down before I hit a fast pace, the balance of my life seems in place.

Exercise – I know, by experience, that the way I feel physically impacts the way I feel emotionally and spiritually. I can’t imagine being able to separate one from another. I don’t always feel like exercising. Even though I love running, sometimes my body doesn’t want to cooperate, but when I do, I always…I mean always…have a more productive day. (Because of this, sometimes I exercise twice in one day.)

Nap – I know. Talk about unproductive. Imagine taking a break from a crowded calendar to sleep. One might even say I’m lazy. Actually, anyone who knows me would never say I was lazy. They’d more likely use phrases like workaholic or, at least, very productive. What they don’t know perhaps is that one secret to that is when I feel the afternoon blahs coming…no amount of caffeine seems to help. I’m not afraid to stop everything, close my eyes for 15 or 20 minutes, and recharge my batteries. It works wonders for a tired brain. I’m always ready to go at the calendar again after a quick shuteye.

So there. You have some of my secrets to being productive. These help me go the extra miles in life.

Do you have any secrets you would share with me?

Hiding in Arrogance…A sobering word to captains of sinking ships

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I’ve seen it many times.

The leader at the helm of a sinking ship.

It’s almost historically comical it it wasn’t such a serious issue. 

Everyone around the leader may know there is a problem, seemingly except the leader. And, yet, many times the leader knows…they know all too well…but arrogance…or dare I say stupidity…keeps the leader from admitting…and certainly not owning a problem. 

And the water keeps getting higher inside the boat. 

In fact, in my observation, one huge reason the ship goes under is because the captain wouldn’t admit to the sinking ship or didn’t know how to stop it, but never asked for help guiding the process. It takes humility to confess the boat is soon subject to evacuation. No leader wants to be that captain. 

Yet sinking ships do what sinking ships do. They keep sinking unless something is done to drastically curtail the flood of new water. 

By the way, I know all this this not by second hand observation. I’m not trying to be cruel with this post. If you’re that captain it hurts. It doesn’t feel good. It’s scary. 

But, I know it by experience. I know it by being the captain of a sinking ship. And, some of the best life and leadership lessons I learned were from that experience. (Read one thing I learned HERE.) And frankly, looking back, we evacuated too soon. I still believe we could have saved the ship. I wish I had known then some things I know now. 

But, if I had one thing to share from that time it would be this. Don’t pretend the problem isn’t real. Don’t act as if the ship isn’t sinking. Don’t ignore the warning signs. Listen to others. Signal for help now. Raise the flag of distress. 

I wouldn’t go public on social media that you’re ship is sinking. That’s not a good idea either. But, there are probably people who already know. They can help. Drop your pride and ask for it. 

Here’s a prayer on your behalf: 

Dear God, give us humility as leaders. And, as we make outselves awkwardly vulnerable, save the ship…and receive the honor! In Jesus Name. Amen.

5 Steps to Take if You’re Addicted to Porn

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This is a guest post by Tom with Ever Accountable. Tom is a 30 year old husband of one beautiful woman and father of two rambunctious boys. He is a passionate crusader against internet pornography after witnessing the destruction it causes in lives. He blogs for Ever Accountable because he believes their accountability software for Android phones will keep users honest and open in their relationships.

5 Steps to Take if You’re Addicted to Porn

Perhaps there is nothing more sacred on this earth than family. Our family fills the primal need to have intimate connections with others of our own species. Our species is a kind that thrives on real connection with real people, and there is no stronger connection than that of a family. So, it is with great sadness that we see the direction of society’s apathy towards perhaps the number one destroyer of families: internet pornography. What follows are five steps to take if you feel you might be addicted to porn.

Admit it

The first step for beating any addiction is to admit that the addiction exists. There is a distinction between accepting and admitting that is obvious to everyone except an addict. An addict thinks that accepting the addiction as part of who they are is the same as admitting their addiction. However, the addiction is not who you are – the addiction just took up residence without asking. Admitting is realizing that you have to evict the addiction, or you will lose everything. Admitting is taking action because you realize that the most important thing in your life is getting rid of pornography addiction.

Knowledge is Power

Knowledge of its destructive nature is essentially what keeps us from trying meth, cocaine, heroin, or any other hardcore drug. Why should pornography be any different? For one thing, the problem is not admitted as such in mainstream culture, but there are still great resources that help us understand the science behind porn addiction and these outlets help us understand why we should quit. The science helps us get past the lies that the porn industry feeds us. Porn is harmful, it is destructive, it will ruin you.

Stop hiding it

Porn thrives in privacy. I get that it can seem impossibly hard to tell your spouse or significant other. I get that you fear losing your relationship when you think about telling those close to you. I understand that, but I also know that telling your spouse about your addiction is necessary and the absolute best thing you can do to stop your addiction. When you remove the secrecy of your addiction, you remove the “security” blanket that has kept you trapped in the addiction cycle.

Be held accountable

Because of porn’s reliance on secrecy, it is essential to find someone that will hold you accountable. Find someone that will be firm with you and bust your chops when they need busted, and lift you up when you need lifted. Talk to people in your church that you admire, talk with friends that you think of as strong, moral individuals, and talk with your spouse. Find somebody that you can trust with your addiction and have weekly meetings with them.

Protect your electronic devices

Perhaps the most helpful advice is to get right to the root and fight this problem at the source. Porn is still circulated via print, I know, but the internet is where porn breeds, hunts, and eats. It is almost nigh impossible to live without computers, smart phones, and tablets in today’s world, and fortunately, accountability software exists for this very reason. Accountability software allows you the opportunity to continue using those devices, but with the knowledge that you’ll be held accountable for your browsing habits. I like to use the analogy that putting accountability software on your phone or computer is like being loaned the keys to a Corvette, but with the understanding that the car will be inspected by an expert mechanic upon return. You might be tempted to test the limits of the car, but is that what you want to do when you know your actions will be brought to light? You know where your addiction lives, so it is absolutely imperative that you put in place a defense on that domain.

Don’t buy into the lies that pornography isn’t destructive. Don’t believe that your life hasn’t changed if you’re already in the addictive cycle. When you pull away from your addiction you will very quickly see the destruction porn was wrecking on your life. Be encouraged that stopping porn will be the best step you take for restoring every part of your life.