I usually clean out my spam folder in my email account several times a day.  I don’t like seeing that number beside the word “Spam”.  This morning as I was doing a mass delete a thought occurred to me.  What if all of these emails were not really spam?  How different could my life be if all my spam emails were true? 

Here are 10 ways my life would change if spam email were “true” based on today’s spam:

1.       I would receive some secret money from a wealthy deceased guy from Egypt. (And Nigeria, Iraq, Ghana, and Uganda.)

2.       I’d meet the “real” love of my life.  (Honey, don’t worry, I ain’t looking.)

3.       I would have more “energy” than I ever imagined.

4.       I could save on printer cartridges.

5.       I wouldn’t smoke anymore.  (If indeed I did smoke.)

6.       I would get some great deals on watches.

7.       I’d be invited to an online casino party. 

8.       Of course, I’d be more of a man.  (much, much more.)

9.       I would have won the European lottery.  (That I’ve never even played.)

10.   I could find out some cool stuff about Paris Hilton.

(Well, I guess that one might be true.)

(I write a lot about relationships.  Periodically over the next few weeks I’m going to share some insight here into parenting.  I thought I’d start with an attention getter, but something we all face someday….or at least we should.  Before I talk about parenting, I always say on this subject that we do the best we know how to do.  My parenting is not perfect, so these are just my experiences.)

I’ll never forget the first “sex talk” I had with our oldest son.   It was one of the most scary moments of parenting, but looking back I’m glad I did it then.  I recognized that helping my children live pure and healthy sexual lives would be a challenge in a culture that is often defined by sex.  I began with a few principles, which has helped me to continue to have open and honest dialogue with my boys, even in their teenage years. 

Start Early – The key here is that you want to be the primary and first source of information for your child.  The old saying is true, “If you don’t tell them, someone else will.”  You want to make sure they are getting the correct information about sex. 

Share in Stages – A four-year-old needs to know that there are boys and there are girls, but that’s about it at that age.  Share information based on the child’s interest, maturity and ability to understand. 

Answer questions – If your child is willing to ask a question it is because they want an answer. Many parents make the mistake of telling children they “don’t need to know yet”.  There are no bad questions.  Again, they will search for an answer and they may find the wrong ones. 

Teach according to truth, not culture – The fact is that today’s culture is mostly wrong about the issue of sex.  Culture today is trying to redefine what sex is.  Don’t be afraid to teach your children to be different.  If they understand the reasons for purity they are better able to stand against the times. 

Deal with the emotional as well as physical – Our children should understand the emotional aspect of sex and the damage which can be caused by premarital sexual activity, as much as they should understand the physical aspects.  The emotional pain of premarital sex is usually the most damaging aspect later in life. 

Get help – There are plenty of resources on teaching children the Biblical perspective on sex.  Every parent deals with this, so seek out parents who are further in this process than you and seem to have learned something they can share.

Keep the door open – My boys are entering the adult stage of life.  As far as I’m concerned I’ve told them what they need to know, but they know I’m available for questions and so they keep asking.  Most of their questions these days are more relational than physical, but at least they are still willing to ask. 

I don’t believe my boys would be as open talking about such a difficult subject regularly and honestly if I had not established that freedom and practice at an early age. 

As a minister, I hear about fear a lot. I decided to compile my own list of the 5 greatest fears of “real” people. (This list includes people like me.) See if you share any of these fears.

Unknown- You don’t know what could happen next, so you fear not knowing.

Worst Case Scenario/What If’s – You can imagine all the bad things that could happen next, and if you let your mind do the wandering….the outcome is scary.

Failure – You are afraid your plan, a relationship, your life, etc. is not going to succeed.

Rejection – You fear being left alone, forgotten, or abandoned.

Insignificance/Not measuring up – You fear that you aren’t good enough and don’t have what it takes or that others don’t appreciate you for your value.

Did I hit yours? Which one of these (or another) is your greatest fear?

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid .” (Matthew 14:27

1.       Our goals should be to pursue peace.  (Romans 14:19)

We should make it our goal to be at peace with everyone. 

2.       Recognize that you will offend some people.

Even the most gentile-minded, peace-pursuing people are occasionally offensive.  Sometimes the person on the other side of the offense has issues that make them easily offended.  Sometimes we just say or do the wrong thing.  Everyone offends people some of the time. 

3.       Ask forgiveness and seek to rebuild trust. 

Sometimes the best thing to do is just to say you are sorry.  Many times people want to pass blame, make excuses, or wait for the other person to make the first move towards reconciliation.  If you know a perceived offense has occurred, put your “big boy pants” on and break the ice of forgiveness.  Don’t even be afraid to take the blame if it will bring peace in the end.  Remember though that trust is built over time, so don’t be “offended” if it is not given to you instantly.

4.       Examine your own life.

If you seem to consistently find yourself in situations where others feel offended by you; maybe the problem is you.  Don’t be afraid to look at the “speck” in your own eye.  Examine areas of your life where you are consistently offending others. 

5.       Stay true to God’s plan for your life. 

While we should attempt to live at peace with everyone, we should never avoid offending people at the sacrifice of God’s plan for our life.   Jesus’ best work was offensive to many.  If you are obedient to God you will find it offends some (maybe many.)  Don’t let that distract you from doing God’s will. 

One of the toughest verses in the Bible to obey is Ephesians 5:31which says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” The process of blending two very different people is what causes stress to many marriages. In my work with marriages I’ve identified 5 of the major obstacles to making a great ONE out of two very different people. Sometimes just understanding what obstacles exist and that they are common to most marriages can helps us better learn to see them not as obstacles, but as God-given opportunities to grow a stronger “one flesh”.

The major obstacles I have seen are:

Lack of Biblical knowledge about marriage
There is very little premarital training in churches today or even in most homes that are raising children who will one day marry. When my boys got their driver’s license we sent them to four Saturdays of classes. How much training do most of us get for marriage?

The fact is that most of us are somewhat surprised by marriage and we don’t really know how to make it work. We need to do a better job training people for marriage.

Differences in Men and Women
Men and women are designed differently by God; not just physically, but emotionally. We look at the world differently. We process information differently. We expect different things from relationships. We have wrongly tried to equalize everything when it comes to men and women. I strongly agree we need equality when it comes to things like workplace treatment or educational opportunities, but when it comes to matters of the heart, and especially marriage, we better know that God designed a difference in men and women.

Communication Styles
Because of our differences, men and women communicate differently. Men tend to communicate thinking to thinking; while women tend to communicate heart to heart.

One of the reasons Cheryl and I might have conflict is because I say things I intend for her mind to hear and it’s received with her heart.

Have you seen the commercial where the wife comes in and asks her husband, “Do I look fat in this dress?” The husband replies quickly, “You betcha?” That guy is an idiot; yet he represents every man at some point. We need to remember that we communicate differently.

Outside influences
Every marriage has influences beyond their immediate control, but that have profound and direct impact on the marriage.
Some of those influences include:

• Children
• In-laws/other relatives
• Friends
• Pressures of life/stress
• Devil

All of these are normal influences in any marriage. Some of them are even welcome influencers in the marriage. The key is not to let ANY of them distract from the plan God has for the marriage to become one flesh.

Differing Goals/Objectives
Remember every couple is made up of two unique, differently designed individuals. That means each one brings unique qualities, personalities and opinions to the relationship. Again, that’s part of God’s overall design to make two people one.
Some of the major differences include:

• Outlook on life; usually one is more positive and one is more negative.
• Differences in family backgrounds
• Personality differences Introvert/Extrovert; Thinker/Feeler; Organized/Disorganized

Parenting Objectives
(So this would make 6, but it’s really a part of the 5th obstacle I think is worth mentioning separately.) The overall goal of marriage is not to make both parties in the marriage like one it’s to make ONE out of the two. Discovering how to blend one flesh out of two different people takes years and requires practice, patience and lots of hard work. Remembering that differences are a part of God’s plan and can actually help us build stronger marriages.

Remember also that God didn’t promise this would be easy. In fact, the very next line after the difficult verse I shared in the opening of this post says, “This is a profound mystery” (Ephesians 5:32). If you are married, praise God for the mystery He gave you today.

In my organizational leadership class a younger member of the class made an observation about her student government organization during her undergraduate work.  She believed that one reason it was not very successful was that the freshmen president provided no opportunities to socialize outside of student government meetings with the other members of student government.   I think this was good insight, but it also brings interesting questions about leadership to my mind.  How relational should leadership be today?  How socially familiar does a servant leader need to be with the people he or she is trying to lead? 

I think this is a subject that is changing in our present culture.  The answer to those questions may differ somewhat depending on a person’s age.  In Patrick Lencioni’s book “The Three Signs of a Miserable Job” he describes the 3 signs as anonymity, irrelevance and what he calls, immeasurement.  Anonymity is the feeling that “their manager has little interest in them as a human being and that they know little about their lives, their aspirations and their interests.”  These 3 signs have probably always been signs of a miserable job, but the generation that is entering the workforce now and has been over the last 10 years seems to value them even more.  (I recently posted a blog about this issue: Managing in Today’s Workplace) 

I believe I can say from my parent’s generation that there was almost a “hands-off” approach between the leader in a company and the employees; and most employees seemed to want the separation.  I also know when I first entered the world of management this atmosphere was still in place.  I’ve watched it gradually change over the years. 

I’m curious the readers of this blog how much involvement you want from the leaders in your personal life.  Do you want your boss to know you personally or would you prefer the relationship remain strictly professional?  Or, perhaps a better questions, especially for the younger generation, do you even see leadership as professional today if there isn’t a level of personalism?

(BTW, apparently personalism is a relatively new word.  It didn’t survive my spell-check, but Dictionary.com defines it as: Also called personal idealism. a modern philosophical movement locating ultimate value and reality in persons, human or divine.  I find that interesting in light of this post’s discussion.)

Yesterday we had elections again in many communities; ours being one. In our state and county the number of people voting was at or near 10% of those eligible to do so.  Frankly, that’s disappointing to me.  Where are the people thankful for our right to vote?  We have men and women fighting to keep that right today.  Do people not vote because they are too busy, too apathetic or do they simply not care?  Do they believe their vote won’t make a difference?  One major race in our state will apparently be determined by 19 votes! (I sometimes wonder if people who feel their vote will not matter are willing to fill out a registration form to enter a drawing for a free car or play the lottery, but that’s probably another post.) 

Just as we need to increase participation in community service in society and even in the church we need to get more people involved in the voting process.  How do we do that? Does it take a presidential election being on the ballot to get people to turn out to vote?

Honestly, I’m not even a huge fan of early voting.  I miss that patriotic feel of election-day voting, but I realize people today need convenience.  (I early voted also, because of my schedule.)   Do we need to reconsider other options?  Should we have online voting?  Should we mail or email ballots to every house?  Would being able to vote by Twitter or Facebook work?  What’s the answer? 

Or, here’s a radical thought, should we take away people’s rights to vote for a while?  If the option to skip the process were no longer an option, would it appear a more valuable process? 

I’m just asking.  If we think the process is still viable (which I strongly do), then I would think a greater than 10% participation should be our goal. 

One of our worship leaders shared a great line in an email to me.  He and his wife met a couple from our area at a marriage retreat recently.  As they got to know the new couple over the weekend they found out the couple didn’t currently have a church.  The worship leader and his wife invited the other couple to attend our church.  Here’s the shocking part of this story.   You might want to sit down for this one.  You aren’t going to believe what happened next. 

THEY SHOWED UP!  They actually came and even better…they liked it and have actually returned.  In Michael’s email to me he wrote, “This inviting people thing really works!”  I love that line.  That line is true.  That is the simple principle which has built Grace into who we are as a church today; no advertising; no fancy brochures or mail outs; simply the art of the personal invitation. 

It reminds me of when I was pastor at another church several years ago and as soon as I arrived they wanted me to start an outreach program.  They had considered and tried all kinds of formal, organized programs and nothing had really worked for them.  I gave them one of my own.  I taught them one Sunday how to grow their church. It is a genius plan. I highly recommend it still.  It’s called the “Wanna Plan”.  It worked great and the church that had been stagnant for years began to grow again (actually very quickly). 

The “Wanna Plan” goes like this.  Read slowly so you don’t miss anything.  You approach someone (could be someone you know or someone you don’t know) and say, “Hey!” Go ahead and practice that part.  You can even try different ways of saying “Hey!” if you want ranging from super-excited to semi-mellow.  Don’t try to tackle the next part, which is much more difficult, until you get the “Hey!”downpat. 

Then, carefully, not too fast and not too slow, in a pleasant sounding voice ask the people, “Wanna come to my church?”  Now try that. Ask it as a question; not a statement.  Say it with enthusiasm!  After you’ve rehearsed each of these rather tricky lines a few times until you’re sure you have them, try putting them together into one phrase.  I know what you’re thinking: This is too much information at once, but you can do it. I promise!  It goes like this: “Hey, wanna come to my church?”  (If you need to you can write this on a cue card in case you get too nervous and forget your line.) 

This complicated system, if you can master it, really does work. Try some of the magic today. 

I love it when “iron sharpens iron” and someone helps me with my thought process.  I have changed my mind about summer.  It’s a good feeling.

I have numerous blogs on my Google Reader.  It’s rare that I get to play catch up with all of them, but I did a quick scan through my list today and was excited to read Carey Nieuwhof’s (Connexus Community Church) post Readjusting the Target of Preaching. 

I’ve been hating summer for two months.  Summer is when everyone in my church seems to disappear.  It’s when the finance guys keep saying we need to clamp down on finances and the student ministry is in their busy (expensive) season while the tech ministry is spending rapidly to gear up for fall.  It’s when the lake is more appealing than the Sunday service and travel ball and dance competition seems to rob us of all our young families.  The office is empty because of vacations and staff meetings happen sporadically.  Everything seems to come to a halt during summer. 

Carey’s post helped me gain a new perspective on the season I love to hate.  The post had nothing to do with what spoke to me.  It was the opening sentence.  Carey wrote, “I love summer because it’s a time for me to rethink, to recalibrate and hopefully see things through fresh eyes.”  

Then I realized what has been happening this summer. Our entire staff has been dreaming, planning, re-focusing, recruiting, and resting up for fall.  We are going to re-launch everything in our church in the next couple months with more enthusiasm than ever before.  We are kingdom energized, because of the lazy days of summer!  This summer has been great.  I just couldn’t see it! 

Thanks Carey for loving summer!  Me, too, now!

Facebook began as a social network site primarily for college students. It was fairly exclusive.  When I signed on I had to swear in blood that I actually ministered to college students. (Something like that.)  Now anyone can join; and anyone is joining.  The average age of my new friends is twice the age of a traditional college student or Facebook’s founder; whichever is younger. 

I think the same thing happened to Myspace when it went away from being a place for bands to display their music to the world.  I gave up Myspace earlier this year. 

I am still doing a considerable amount of ministry on Facebook. It is really the only way college and high school students ever contact me, but I wonder if the aging trend continues if Facebook will survive.  Will college students look for an alternative? 

If you do, let me know.  I and some of my friends want to come along.