The wise woman builds her house…

(Proverbs 14:1)

If you want to build a house…

It takes a plan…

It takes diligence…

It requires the right materials…

It takes time…

It involves sleepless nights…

It requires discipline…

It’s not done in front of the television or computer…

It’s not cheap…

It will stretch your heart…in various directions…

It will not always make you the popular parent…

It will require sacrifice…

It’s not easy…

But…

Its rewards last for generations…

Parents…

Are you building your house?

What else does building a house require?

(To see my personal parenting model, click HERE.)

John Maxwell says leadership is influence. If that’s true, then how does a leader develop that influence with the people he or she leads?

Here’s how I gain influence with my team:

Treat people professionally and with respect - I expect to be treated likewise, but for me to demand it without displaying it doesn’t build influence, it fosters control. (I wrote a post about that HERE)

Take risks on people and give opportunities to fail (or succeed) – Several on our staff started their ministry career with us…in large roles. I like placing faith in people. If a team member comes to me with a dream, I’ll try to help them attain it. The risk is almost always worth the return.

Recognize and reward efforts – I try to find ways to invest in our team, based on the individual needs and desires of the team member. I’ve been known to be creative in rewarding a team member for doing exceptional work. I’m also not afraid to single out exceptional work for individual recognition.

Allow them to know me personally – I’m transparent. I try to be clear about my weaknesses and own my mistakes. I’m also not afraid to be the brunt of the jokes.

Be approachable - I return phone calls and emails to my team quickly. They can get in touch with me and on my schedule before anyone other than my family. I keep the door open when I’m in the office and welcome walk-ins. (I have candy in my office too!)

Be consistent and reliable - I keep lots of lists so I don’t forget things I’ve committed to do. I have an Evernote folder with each team member’s name on it for things relative to them specifically. I don’t make many promises, but I try to honor my commitments, even when it’s costly at times. If I tell a team member I’ll do something, I make it a priority in my schedule until it’s accomplished.

Help others achieve personal success - I love to learn a team member’s goals and help them achieve it.

Keep in mind, I’m not perfect and this is not an attempt to brag about my performance. As with all my posts, I’m trying to be helpful in developing your leadership. If you read this blog regularly you know that one way I improve what I do is that I annually ask my team to evaluate me. (You can find out about that HERE and the consulting I offer in that area HERE.)

Of course, my team is free to comment on this post as well, so that should humble me. Most of what I’ve learned in leadership came from doing the wrong things first. I think it’s vital to a healthy team that the leader be continually conscious of his or her need for influence and ways to improve upon it.

You may also want to read my post 12 Ways to Keep an Organization Small

What would you add to my list?

I’m updating a post. Yesterday I posted 4 types of mentors. Read it HERE (updated of course). I can’t believe I missed one…or that no one else caught my obvious error.

I grew up without a close relationship with my father. I missed the investment a father makes in the life of his son. As a result, I’ve tried my best to invest in my sons, but I guess because it wasn’t a great part of my story I missed it.

There is another kind of mentor.

The 5th type of mentor is:

Relational - It’s probably the best kind. It’s the way I am with my two boys. They can call me anytime for advice. They can get through my crazy schedule when no one else (except Cheryl) can. They hold my heart and my desire for their personal success in their hand. I mentored them because they are part of me. A relational mentor relationship happens with someone to whom you are related. It’s the most Biblical kind of mentoring. I hope it’s been a part of your life.

Isn’t that the best kind of mentor?

Do you have a relational mentor in your life? Share that with me here. I promise I’ll be encouraged!

I explained recently that I have a new heart stirring. You can read about it HERE. About the time I started considering some of this new direction for my ministry, (it’s actually an addition to my ministry since I’m not leaving the one I have now) along came a book in the mail by Tom Watson called “Man Shoes“. Wow! Talk about perfect timing!

Man Shoes is a true story of one man’s journey through loss and love and it’s brilliantly told with humor and heroism. Tom Watson survived child abuse and 13 foster homes and learned at an early age how to overcome adversity. Rescued by the Watson family, he found the hope and love that helped to heal his deep physical and emotional wounds. Years later, lessons learned would be put to the ultimate test as Tom faced heartbreaking losses that threatened to destroy him. A stunning revelation of one man’s determination to live life to its fullest, Man Shoes demonstrates that new beginnings are possible at any age and at any stage of life. This story reminds us we can live a better life and influence others to do the same! This is a must read for men of all ages, and for the women who love them.

I’m giving away 5 copies of this book, but Tom’s team doesn’t just give away books. They give away a kit! Each kit contains several gift items, a book, and a note from Tom and his team. You don’t want to miss this book.

In order to win a Man Shoes Kit, here’s what you must do:

• Comment on this post with your name and/or Twitter name.
• Retweet or share this post on Facebook.

I’ll choose 5 random winners Monday morning.

One of the greatest feelings as a parent has to be watching your children sleep….

Knowing they are safe….resting…under your care…

I never got tired of knowing my boys were safe in their beds at night. It was a great time of day.

I wonder if God feels that way…

I wonder if God gets a charge out of watching over His children as they sleep…

I wonder if He smiles when He sees a child drift into dream land…

I’m reminded of these verses:

“He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.” (Psalm 121:3-4)

When you are sound asleep, God is on watch…like a proud dad!

As you go to bed tonight, capture the moment, imagine the emotion God has as He watches His child fall asleep.

I’ve always admired the president’s commitment as a father. Watch his four minute Father’s Day address and his view on what makes a great father. Tell me what you think about his take on what it means to be a dad.

I realize it’s not a modern song, and the graphics may seem cheesy, perhaps even the song to some, but I raised my boys on this song. Well, I didn’t actually raise them with it, but it did have a huge impact on my heart. Music always speaks to me and this songs lyrics challenged my fathering when I was a young father. This song captured the essence of who I wanted to be as a dad. I could still cry by listening to it today.

What is your greatest desire as a father? Be honest. Are you living a life to reach that desire? Be honest.

This is a great weekend to spend some time evaluating your role as a dad.

Is there a song that challenges you to be a better husband or father?

Happy Father’s Day, BTW!

The last two years have been a season of change in my life. I’ve experienced a change of perspective as we’ve transitioned into being empty nesters and I’ve experienced a change of passion in terms of where I see God wanting me to invest my energies.

At 47 years of age, I have learned enough to know there are things I wish I had known earlier in life. Reflecting on my role as a husband, father, and leader, I realize how much wisdom is necessary to accomplish all that is required of men. In my conversations with other men, I know that many men never received proper instruction and wisdom on what it means to be a man. I have a strong and growing desire to encourage the next generation of men and young leaders to be men of God in their homes, churches and communities.

Recently I felt led to address the younger men of our church with this issue on a Saturday morning. In a simple, two hour gathering, I plan to speak to men candidly and challenge them to live godly lives in all areas of their lives. The premise of the meeting will be to address the men as if I was sitting with one man, helping him discern how to be a godly husband, father, and leader.

If you are in the area, come join us Saturday, June 18 from 8 to 10 AM at St Bethlehem Christian Church. We have advertised this to men age 35 and under. That’s not a magic age and no ID’s will be checked at the door. We are limited in space and want to make sure I’m addressing audiences younger than me. I’m still learning how to be 47!

Young men, be honest: Do you wish someone further down the road in life would speak into your life?

This weekend we had the incredible experience of seeing our oldest son Jeremy marry his his school sweetheart Mary. I was privileged to perform the ceremony. It was a beach wedding, which kept the wedding party small, plus the waves kept some from hearing the vows Jeremy and Mary wrote for each other. Several have asked for the text of the ceremony, so I decided to share the main part of it here for family and friends. Thank you for your prayers and support.

Here is what I said in the message portion of the ceremony:

This is a special occasion for us today…..

I’ve never performed a wedding ceremony that was this personal…

As a point of personal privilege, let me say…

Mary, thank you for being the person you are…so kind, so thoughtful, so caring for others…You are the perfect helpmate for Jeremy…We’ve said all along, you two make each other better people…We feel honored and blessed to have you as a part of our family and lives…

Jeremy, you have always been a warm-hearted person…You are highly relational…desiring to make other’s lives better than you found them…We have always said that your future will be bright not as much by what you do, but because of who you are…That’s a great great characteristic…

Jeremy and Mary, your parents are incredibly proud of the young adults you two have become…

Let me say a word to each of you gathered here…Your presence here today is helping to write a story…It’s a story about Jeremy and Mary….When Jeremy asked Mary to be his wife, he said he wanted them to write a bigger story together…Traveling this far…you have demonstrated your love for Jeremy and Mary…This wedding was kept intentionally small…So your role here today is important…it means you’re a leading character…

But it’s really a bigger story than even these two…or even all of us…You see, the story we are writing happens every time families and friends gather for a wedding ceremony…God, Himself, authored the first wedding ceremony…from the beginning with Adam and Eve

You see, marriage is part of God’s master story…It displays a picture of God’s love for us…As a man and a woman leave their mother and father, submit their lives to one another….the man loves the woman as Christ loves the church, and the wife respects her husband, the two are grafted together into one flesh…

Ephesians 5 calls this process a mystery…How two imperfect people…so incredibly different…can become one is hard to understand…God uses the picture of Christ and His love for the church as an example of that relationship…Christ died for the church…God sacrificed His Son for the church…The marriage that honors God is a picture of that kind of mutual, complete submission to one another…So many marriages today fall short of that goal. …

Mary and Jeremy, the biggest story you could ever live is to center your lives around God’s story….allow Him to direct your path…And live your life for a higher purpose…to glorify God with your life….May your marriage be the perfect example of the sacrificial love Christ demonstrated with His love for the church…

We find that love expressed in 1 Corinthians…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a)

Jeremy and Mary, as your marriage begins & for the rest of your lives, may you show that the love you have for each other is indeed part of the bigger story God is writing for the world…a greater love….

Jeremy and Mary wanted to make this a very personal occasion, and they’ve decided to recite vows that they’ve personally written for each other.

Here are the vows Jeremy made to Mary:

Mary-

I remember when it seemed like this day would never come…
…. Only 7 years, only 4 more years… 1 more year, 3 months, 10 days, 1 day, and now I can finally call you my bride.

Words can’t express how thankful I am to be standing here today. When I stop and think about the qualities I desire in a wife, you exemplify every one of them. You love God and strive every day to know Him more. You have the most amazing heart, and always put others needs before your own. You are beautiful. Your smile brightens my day like nothing else in this world. You love me unconditionally even when I act selfishly or disappoint you. You’re my best friend.

In the presence of our God, our family, and our friends, I make these promises to you:

I know that my life’s greatest privilege and highest calling is to lead you and our family spiritually. I promise to run to God often and ask Him for wisdom in leading our family, so that you will always know that the direction for our family comes from the Lord. I promise to be the husband God has called me to be and to point you towards Him in everything that I say and do.

I promise to make a commitment to die daily to myself and put you, your needs and desires before my own. ….. I promise to intentionally invest in our marriage more than anything else; to dream with you through every stage of life, to celebrate with you during the good times, to laugh as often as possible, to be a listening ear whenever you want to talk, and to stand beside you through every trial we might face.

Finally Mary, I promise to never leave you, because I believe God made you for me and me for you.

From this point on, I am forever blessed to have you, my bride, my one true love, everyday, for the rest of my life. I love you now, and forever more.

Here are the vows Mary shared with Jeremy:

Jeremy-

Almost since the first day that I met you, I had a crush on you; and ever since high school, I have loved you. We have been together for seven years and we have been through so much together- good and bad, but I believe that, through God’s grace, it has only made us better people and a stronger couple. I have waited for this day and I have prayed for you for a long time. I feel so blessed that we get to stand here today and promise to spend the rest of our lives together.

Jeremy, I promise to be the woman that God has called me to be- to be the best wife that I can be. I will love you genuinely and i will not take you for granted. I will honor you and respect you. I promise to put your needs, desires, and wants before mine. I promise to pray for you everyday. Jeremy, I will build you up and not bring you down.

I promise to be there for you in the good times and the bad. I promise to be the person that you want to run to with every piece of good news and also to be the listening ear and loving arms for you to run to when nothing seems to be going right. I will stand by you no matter what. The Lord has made us a team and we are in this together. I will be there when you need me. I will not leave you. I promise that you can always confide and trust in me.

I promise to be someone you can be proud of. I promise to always dream of our future together. I promise to laugh with you, cry with you, and to live life to the fullest with you, My prayer has been that Christ would be at the center of our marriage and that He would allow us to be able to serve Him and love Him better together as a couple- that our lives would be used for something bigger than us and I promise to hold up my end of that prayer.

I am so thankful for the man that you are and that God has allowed us to begin this adventure and write our story together. I love you, Jeremy.

Just curious. Did you write your own vows? Feel free to share them with us here. Have you ever been to a beach wedding?

It’s been an incredible few days. Cheryl and I returned tonight from Florida where our oldest son Jeremy married Mary, his high school sweetheart. They are a beautiful couple. The beach wedding was wonderful, they wrote their own vows, and God was glorified (I’ll share more about this later). I performed the ceremony and our youngest son Nate was best man. I only choked up once…or twice…maybe three times…but was able to get through the ceremony. It was an incredible experience.

On the ride back from Florida, we stopped in Atlanta to drop off Nate who was catching a flight to Europe, where he is studying this summer. He will study the life of Paul from 1 Corinthians, Systematic Theology and the Reformation, in the countries of Italy, Germany and Switzerland. How cool is that? I walked him in, saw that he made it through security, then we began our journey again.

Cheryl was melancholy, but honestly, I was excited. We would truly be alone this week and she and I love our time together. This is such a great time in our marriage.

Cheryl’s mother and my mother went with us to Florida, so there was plenty of conversation in the car. The ride passed quickly. We pulled into the driveway of our recently purchased “empty nester” condo, I walked in the door, and…well…I started to cry. I can’t explain it, but suddenly the reality of two of our bedrooms being empty…perhaps forever…just overwhelmed me for a moment.

It’s been a great weekend…and the past couple years with Nate being in Chicago and Jeremy transitioning out has taught me that this season is going to be okay…it really is. I love my life and I love my wife. That’s a great feeling!

For tonight though…I may still shed a tear…

Where are you at in the parenting cycle? Tell me about your kids!