5 Suggestions When the Senior Leader is Unpopular

Growth Blue Marker

Making the right decision isn’t always appreciated. If a leader is going to do anything of value, it will involve risks and be subject to the opinions of others.

There will be days, weeks and seasons where it feels as if everyone is against you — even though you know, because of insight you have — that others don’t have or because of a calling of God — that you are doing the best thing for the organization.

These are hard days for the leader. I once wrote about the loneliness of these times in leadership HERE.

How do you respond when your position of senior leader is not that popular?

Here are a few suggestions:

Make sure you are following your heart and God’s will

The two should almost always go together because if you are seeking His heart He will align your heart to His. Notice I didn’t say your emotions. I’m talking about your gut, your conviction, that inner peace and assurance to follow Him that only He can provide. But — even if not — follow God’s will as best as you can discern it. Remember that men and women throughout the Bible and church history have been persecuted even when they were in the center of God’s will. (Remember Jesus? He was too!)

Surround yourself with those who believe in you

You have supporters — even if it is just a remnant of people — but they are somewhere to be found. Sometimes those people may only be found among your immediate family, but even though you may feel you are alone, you are not. Open your eyes to those who are still on your team, believe in you and are in your corner. (Remember Elijah? He thought he was alone also…Read 1 Kings 19…he wasn’t.)

Be flexible

There are some things that are not worth arguing about. You may have to alter some of what you want to do in order to do what’s best for everyone and to be obedient to God. (Remember Peter’s vision — Acts 10 — he had to alter his plans and it was likely unpopular with his comrades.)

Don’t compromise truth

Being flexible does not mean altering the vision God has given you. Stay true, without wavering, to the call of God on your life, even when that’s uncomfortable to do so. (Read the commitment of Joshua in Joshua 24 — in spite of the decisions of others, Joshua was sticking with God)

Push forward

Once you know you are heading in the right direction and you’ve surrounded yourself with a few people who support you, move forward without looking back, regardless of who you leave behind in the process. (See Nehemiah chapters 4 through 6 for a reminder of a leader who moved forward in spite of opposition.)

When you begin to see the reality of God working in your life, you’ll be glad that you stayed the course. The sense of loneliness is real — it’s hard — it’s uncomfortable — but more than that, it’s normal. It’s a natural part of the process of leading.

Read THIS POST or THIS POST if you need more encouragement.

7 Common Ways to Lose the Support of Senior Leadership

Business team

As a rule, I’m pretty hard on senior leadership. Having been in such a position for over 25 years I know the bad side of senior leadership. I’ve witnessed it and, in full candor, I’ve been it.

My goal is always to improve senior leadership for all of us. That’s a chief goal of this blog.

But, what about supporting senior leadership?

And, the support from senior leadership for those attempting to follow?

Those are equally important topics in leadership. Any good senior leader knows he or she is nothing without the people on their team. So, that requires confidence in the people trying to follow senior leadership.

What causes senior leadership to lose confidence in people they are trying to lead?

How do you lose the support of senior leadership?

Here are 7 common ways:

Give half-hearted devotion to the vision. Speaking for someone in senior leadership, who feels the weight of completing the vision before us, there’s little time to waste on people who don’t share the same vision. It’s one thing not to understand it, to have questions about it, or need development. Everyone has bad days and bad seasons, but, it’s a completely different story when the person has lost passion — or never had passion — for the vision. Especially when they demonstrate it by their work.

Work for a competing vision. It’s not that there couldn’t be another vision out there — but this is the one we’ve been called to complete. And, any team will crumble under competing visions. When a team member starts competing, it’s hard to maintain the support of senior leadership.

Always bring surprises. As a senior leader, there’s a surprise everyday. Something is always coming that we didn’t see coming. It’s part of the job — and honestly — it keeps most leader-types energized, even when the surprise presents a new challenge. But, because they are so frequent, a healthy team helps limit them. If someone on the team, for example, knows there is a storm brewing, and doesn’t share that with senior leadership in a timely manner, there is the potential for a bigger, more complicated challenge that might have been avoided with prior information. When that happens frequently, the senior leader may lose confidence in the team member.

Never learn from mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Good leaders actually expect them as a part of the development process. It’s easy to lose the confidence of senior leadership, however, when mistakes made never produce improvement — or when there is an attitude of indifference towards them.

Cease to follow through. Work has to be done. And, every great idea is just an idea until someone follows through with a plan of accomplishment. That’s what separates great teams from mediocre teams. When team members never complete the tasks assigned, they lose the confidence of senior leadership. (This one deserves a sidebar. If there are more tasks assigned than possible to complete, there could be a problem on the senior leaders side. This is another post, but sometimes you have to “lead up” to help senior leadership understand this, but make sure the problem is too many tasks and not a need to develop as a task master. Make sure you’re doing all you can to get better at time-management, for example.)

Cause your loyalty to be questioned. This one will raise eyebrows, but it’s true. Obviously, this requires a vision worth following, but loyalty towards senior leadership is necessary to complete the vision. I posted recently on some of my most repeated leadership nuggets. One of them, which I will expand upon in a future post, is “Don’t trip over your own humility”. Basically, I described that as don’t refuse to do the right thing because it seems self-serving. And, that’s certainly the case when you expect loyalty of followers. But, it’s necessary to carry a team forward in a healthy way.

Say one thing. Do another. There’s no place where letting our “yes be yes and our no be no” is more important than on a healthy team. And, every good leader knows this. People-pleasers don’t earn respect on a team once they are exposed. And, yes, this does start with senior leadership, but it must be carried through at every level of the team.

These are meant to be helpful. I work with a lot of ministry leaders who report to a senior pastor. I have never met one who didn’t want the support of the senior pastor, even if they didn’t necessarily agree with everything the pastor did. They want to be supported.When you’ve supposedly bought into the senior leadership, you want to be a team player, this is simply a gut honest look at some common ways to lose their support.

And, the same goes for senior leadership. We want people we can support, believe in, and want to work with on our team. And, every senior leader I know is trying to build such a team.

Granted, some are better at this than others. And, frankly, there are lots of senior leaders who aren’t worthy of much of the items on this list. They are difficult to follow, because they are difficult to trust. They may be incompetent, lack drive and be very controlling. Those are subjects of other posts — subjects I write about frequently. I realize if you’re in one of these situations there may be a natural push-back to a post like this. This post assumes that at some point you believed in the senior leadership.

(And, if not, that too is a subject of another post, but maybe this post serves as another reminder to you that it’s time for a change.)

Senior leaders, anything else you would add?

7 Of My Most Repeated Leadership Nuggets

Leadership Arrow

I meet with pastors weekly either in person or online. It fuels me to invest in younger leaders and always challenges me as I learn from them. I’m a better leader because I intentionally invest in other leaders.

(There’s a hint for some of you more seasoned leaders.)

It always seems the so-called wisdom I share gathers in seasons. When I say something to one pastor I usually end up repeating it to another. It could be that the nugget is in my schema or it is another way God stretches and teaches me so He can use me. I learn best with repetition.

But, eventually, once I’ve repeated it several times, I write it down. Then it becomes ingrained in my memory bank.

(There’s another hint there.)

This post is a collection of some of the more recent nuggets:

Here are 7 of my most repeated leadership nuggets:

Copy principles not practices. Principles are almost always transferable. Practices seldom are. You can’t be someone else as effectively as you can be yourself. You’ll lose if you try to compare yourself to someone else’s success. Your success will likely look different from anyone else’s.

Don’t trip over your own humility. It’s great to be humble. I’d advise it if you want to please God. But, don’t refuse to do the right thing because you’re afraid it appears to be self-serving.

Limit your energy to a few key areas. Delegate the rest. I’ve found I’m seldom effective past four or five major initiatives. There are some who think they are super-human. But, they are almost always wrong.

Don’t be afraid to make people wait for excellence. I see leaders burnout and be far less effective because they try to do everything at once. It’s okay to say no. In fact, it’s actually healthy.

If you ever lack energy inside the building — get outside the building. I see pastors get so frustrated at the lack of progress. They beat themselves up because things aren’t changing fast enough. They lose their energy dealing with the negativity of change. I say to those pastors, get back to the coffee shops. Talk to people outside the church. Fuel yourself with a world that’s changing faster than we can capture on the nightly news. It’s actually what most of us have been called to do. Make disciples. And, when the disciples in the church start arguing over potlucks, get outside — into the community and refuel your passion with people searching for hope. And, watch your energy rise.

Invest in a few key leaders. You can’t invest effectively in everyone who’s trying to follow you. Jesus had lots of followers. He had 12 disciples.

All of these could be their own complete blog post. I’ve spent as much as an hour talking about each one to pastors.

Which of these would you like me to expand upon in a future post?

4 Tasks of the Senior Leader

Senior leader

One reason leadership can make a person feel isolated is the weight of responsibility on the one who claims to be the senior leader in an organization. Whether in the business world, in non-profits or in churches, there are some things that happen in any organization that senior leaders help determine — whether intentional or not. In each of these cases, inactivity determines them just as much as activity.

The weight of that responsibility can be overwhelming at times, but it’s unavoidable to a point. It comes with the position.

Successful senior leaders are cognizant of their input in them and place intentional energy towards them.

Here are 4 Tasks of the Senior Leader:

Vision – The senior leader  is the ordained caretaker of the organization’s vision. The vision may be predetermined by a board, or in the church’s sense, obviously by Jesus, but all leaders place his or her spin on implementing the vision. At the end of the day the senior leader is held responsible for seeing that the organization’s vision is attained. And, inactivity towards this will — as stated — also determine the vision — at least the perceived vision — by the organization.

Values – The senior leader must carry out, protect, or shape the culture of the organization. Much of the character of the organization will be determined or maintained by the way this person leads and lives his or her life. This is so true in the life of a church. The moral integrity of a church will seldom be greater than the pastor’s personal moral integrity.

Victories- Senior leaders determine what matters to an organization. He or she ultimately defines a win by setting end goals primarily by what is most celebrated, acknowledged or rewarded. An organization cannot do everything and this individual’s leadership determines priorities, initiatives and major objectives to be accomplished. Senior pastors are one of the single greatest influences of what a church does well by the intentionality — or lack thereof — towards the things it labels a victory.

Velocity –The Senior leader sets the speed by which the organization will operate. The lead person is in the role of balancing present tasks and future opportunities. His or her individual pace and expectations of others determines how fast the organization functions, changes, adapts, and responds. The lead pastor also sets the pace — fast or slow — of the church in accomplishing her mission.

Most organizations will have a governing body — board of directors, stakeholders or elders — to oversee the organization, hire the senior pastor or CEO and hold title to the organization, but it is ultimately the person in that role who daily carries out these four functions. A senior leader can delegate, form a great team environment, seek wise counsel, or even shirk his or her responsibility, but to fulfill the role of the senior leader effectively there are some responsibilities that rest solely with this position. 

Whether or not the senior leader consciously recognizes his or her role in accomplishing these tasks, by sheer position he or she is determining the way the organization performs in these four areas.

Are you a senior leader in your organization? Do you feel the weight of these responsibilities? Do you understand your important role in setting these four principles of the organization?

Seven Reasons Some Churches Experience Revitalization (While Others Don’t)

rev-cover-boxshot-FB

This is a guest post by my friend Thom S. Rainer.

I have a great love for local congregations. To be sure, I’ve never been in a perfect church. They just don’t exist.

But I still love local churches.

One of my greatest joys in the past several years has been to see and work with churches that have experienced significant turnaround. While that turnaround is typically evident in attendance numbers, it is much more than that.

I recently categorized those reasons some churches experience revitalization. I then compared them to churches that have not been revitalized. I found seven differences between the two sets of churches.

These are the seven traits unique to the revitalized churches:

The leaders and members faced reality. One of the reasons most churches don’t experience revitalization is their unwillingness to “look in the mirror.” Denial leads to decline which leads to death.

Many in the church began explicitly praying for God to revitalize the church. I know of a leadership group in one church that prayed every week for over two years. The church is now in true revitalization.

The churches had an explicit and clear focus on the gospel. Preaching became clearly gospel-centered. Ministries became gospel-centered. And many members began intentionally sharing the gospel, which brings me to the next reason.

Members did not just talk evangelism; they did evangelism. I did not see a specific approach or methodology to share the gospel in these congregations. It was clear, however, that there was a more focused intentionality on sharing Christ than in many previous years.

Many members in these churches began focusing on serving Christ through the church rather than seeking their own preferences. Another way of stating it is that these members became other-focused rather than self-focused. This attitude seemed to be directly connected to their prayers for revitalization.

These churches raised the bar of expectations. Thus membership in these congregations became meaningful. Members moved from spectators to participants.

The churches developed a clear process of discipleship. The members became more immersed in the Word. There was a clear and cogent plan to help members grow in their walk with Christ.

Do not count me among those who have their heads in the sand about the state of congregations in North America. As many as 100,000 churches are very sick or dying. Many more also need revitalization.

I hope you can join me for a video consultation on church revitalization at RevitalizedChurches.com. It will almost be like I’m at your church offering you guidance and hope toward the future. You can CLICK HERE to sign up for the four-part overview of the series at no cost.

Yes, I remain an obnoxious optimist about local churches. I am seeing too many indicators of His work to believe otherwise. Let me hear from you. And I hope to see you in the video consultation on church revitalization.

What are your perspectives on the need for church revitalization? What do you think might be missing in many churches?

If I Could Rewrite Myers Briggs Type Codes

Personality inventory

Let me warn you this is a random post…from my random thoughts.

And, that makes more sense considering my Myers Briggs. Random. Stay tuned.

I have used the Myers Briggs personality profile for years. I even became certified to instruct and administer the assessment a decade ago.

I have shared and talked about my type HERE and have written mostly about the difference in the Extrovert and Introvert preferences. I’m an Introvert.

I’m an INTJ — in case you were wondering.

I think it’s a great tool for leadership development, relationship enhancement, self awareness and career evaluation. I’ve used it with church staff, couples, and with small groups. Everyone is unique — and especially some “types” hate labels that assume they are a certain way — but sometimes this can be a good starting point of discovery into relationships.

I love the application of the assessment, but if I were to rewrite Myers Briggs, I would change a few of the titles. I think at times it has been confusing. Maybe it’s the age of the terms.

If you don’t recall the options — there’s E or I, S or N, T or F, J or P.

Some changes I would make:

I’m happy with the E and I.

E is for extrovert..

Most people can hear that term and have a decent idea what it means — they are more social by preference, although, in my experience, extroverted people are less likely to think they are extroverted than introverted people know they are introverted. These people are more likely to say what they think when they think it. They are generally more apt to engage in conversation — and are energized by doing so.

I is for introvert.

Introverts are desperate for alone time. It’s where they get their energy for life. In years of working with Myers Briggs, I seldom meet an introvert who doesn’t already know they are one. I’ve written tons about introverts — search the blog — but it’s important to know introverts don’t dislike people — they just get energized from their down time.

From this point is where I would want to play with the terms.

The S and N terms can be a little confusing.

S is for sensing.

A sensing person prefers to use the information available, using the five senses, to make decisions. I agree with that.

N is for iNtuition.

And, people with this preference prefer to make up their minds by adding their own information to what’s apparent. (You’ll normally find the creative types here.)

I’d probably leave the S, because that makes “sense” to me. But, I would change the N to the letter R — for Random. These people (like me) tend to have more random thoughts. They’re thoughts are not tied necessarily to one of the senses. They often have the thought before they make “sense” of it.

The T and F cause me problems also.

T stands for Thinking. It’s a preference for making decisions based on the rational facts at hand. This person prefers truth over tact.

F stands for Feeling. It’s a preference for considering the people or values aspect involved before making a decision. It’s tact over truth.

I just don’t think these are the best terms.

In my experience, men often resist being a “F” because of the word “feelings”.

I’ve experienced some women who resist being a “T”, because they assume that means they have no feelings.

And the fact is — there’s nothing wrong with a man or woman being wired with either type….

Also, we all think AND we all feel — just to lesser degrees of each.

So, I’d prefer to title the T – Logic

I’d prefer to title the F – Values

Those seem to fit better for how I see these preferences played out in a personality.

The ones wired for “Thinking” tend to make decisions based more on logic. They can’t dismiss the facts of the matter — the rational, logical, cold hard facts.

The ones wired for “Feeling” tend to make decisions based more on their set of values. That could be people, or it could be a set of principles important to them, but when a value gets in the midst, it affects how they make decisions.

Then there are the last two letters.

The terms J and P — for Judging and Perceiving are, again, pretty confusing terms.

Basically a “J” prefers to have things decided and a “P” would prefer to stay open to new options.

I might change the J to an O for Order

These types tend to prefer a more orderly life — where the future is more scripted. They prefer to have a plan and work from the plan. Everyone procrastinates, but these people stress when they did.

I’d change the P to the letter N for Now

These folks seem to prefer to live in the moment. They let life evolve. They sometimes have less stress too! When they put things off — well — we can still have fun — right?

These are just my observations. I’m sure there are even better terms. Just my thoughts. In this case, I would be an IRLO.

An IRLO. But, now I’m confused. Maybe we should leave things as they were. Carry on.

Have you ever had an official Myers Briggs administered to you? What’s your type?

For those of you who know Myers Briggs talk — what changes would you make?

For those who have no idea what I’m talking about — how’d you make it this far?

 

7 Performance Characteristics of a Great Team Member

Portrait Of Happy Businesspeople

I love team dynamics and organizational structures. I have written many times about what makes a healthy team, my expectations of team members, and elements to build health into your team.

I previously wrote 7 Traits of a Great Team Member.

But, how does a great team member perform on a team? I’m not sure I’ve talked specifically about the performance characteristics I believe make a great team member. How do they act on the team?

Here are 7 performance characteristics of a great team member:

Needs very little supervision – He or she catches on quickly, learning the expectations of the team, has confidence in his or her ability, and knows the vision of the organization well enough to make routine decisions. He or she attempts to figure out problems and asks specific questions when something is unclear. This saves everyone time and speeds progress. A great team member follows through on what he or she committed to do with limited oversight. They don’t need a “boss” — they are truly part of a team. “Let’s get it done together!”

Adds to team spirit - A great team member knows there is work to do as a team and limits the drama that comes from working with people. They aren’t known for gossip, back-stabbing, or pouting when things aren’t going as they would have them. Everyone has bad seasons and a good team is their to assist during those times, but a great team member doesn’t allow their personal life doesn’t impact their professional life on a daily basis. They are known to improve team spirit rather than detract from it.

Remains flexible – The work of a team requires synergy from all members. Sometimes one team member carries unequal weight for a season. Great team members are flexible to pick up slack from others. They do what needs doing. They don’t participate or foster “turf wars”.

Recognizes results as part of the reward – Not to take anything away from fair compensation, but the great team player does the work to see the results of a project done well. Their motivation is achieving the agreed upon goal of the team. They love their work — even more the work of the team — and they are motivated to celebrate when the team succeeds.

Considers the interests of the entire team – Great team members are good listeners. They value others on the team. They are humble enough to look out for good of the entire team. They aren’t self-serving. He or she wants what is best for everyone, even if that means having to personally sacrifice for the win of the team.

Adds intrinsic value to the team – Great team members add something to the team no one else brings.  They know themselves and allow their strengths to shine through hard work and dedication to the vision, providing a unique value to the entire team.

Demonstrates Loyalty in Action – No one questions the loyalty of a great team member. They are “on board” with the vision, supportive of the leadership and direction of the organization, and committed unless something unforeseen takes them away from the team.

Of course, I forgot the one about bringing homemade snacks occasionally for the break room, but I’ll save that for another post.

It also bears mentioning that it is difficult to be a great team member without a great team environment and a great team leader. I get that. Granted. I have, however, worked with some great team members who served on a dysfunctional team. And, I’ve seen one great team member help transform an unhealthy team.

I’m confident there are plenty more ways a great team member performs on a team. Feel free to add to my list. I’d love to hear from you.

In your experience, what does a great team member do on a team?

4 Expectations that Can Injure a Marriage

couple

Is your marriage struggling? Sometimes, in my experience, there may be a problem with expectations.

Expectations are critical for the success of any good relationship — especially in a marriage.

Here are 4 expectations that can injure a good marriage:

Unspoken expectations. When the couple never lays out their expectations in the marriage one spouse or the other will be disappointed at some point. A lot of couples assume they are on the same page until a problem arises where they find out otherwise.

Unclear expectations. When the couple thinks they’ve communicated expectations, but they didn’t use language the other one could understand. Everyone communicates differently. Expectations must be clear. And, many times they have to be tested before we understand them.

Unmet expectations. When the couple had clear expectations — everyone understood them — they’ve even been tested — but, one spouse isn’t holding up their end of the deal. Happens all the time.

Unrealistic expectations. When the couple has expectations that are impossible for the other spouse to meet. Our spouse is not our savior. Not perfect. Can’t read minds. Will make mistakes. Etc.

How are you doing with setting and keeping expectations in your marriage?

By the way, these 4 are true in other relationships also.

7 Suggestions for Parenting Adult Children

cheerful family

I was talking to another dad recently. We were comparing notes. Both of us are empty nesters. We recognized — equally — that being the parent of adult children is sometimes more difficult than when the children are still at home.

That’s hard for some parents with teenage children to believe — isn’t it?

Or the parent with multiple children still in diapers — right?

But, it is — sometimes.

When adult children  leave the home you don’t have much control over their lives — you are no longer “raising” them — you influence them.

The “raising” part was mostly done when they graduated from high school. Maybe even when they got their driver’s license. Parenting moves primarily to influencing when they are away from you more than with you and when they can pretty much do what they want to do when they are away from you.

That’s why it’s important to grab their heart early so your influence sticks. And, still, sometimes it sticks and sometimes it doesn’t and there’s little you can do about that when they are on their own. But, it doesn’t lower your concern for them, your desire to help them, or your thoughts about them — hence the hardness at times.

So, what should the parents of adult children do?

Well, I’m still fairly new at this one. And, I’m learning, but I have learned a few things. And, I’ve learned a few more from countless hours spent with other people’s adult children. And, the parents of adult children who are struggling with their adult children.

I can’t tell you how many strained relationships, bitterness, hurt and even anger I’ve witnessed over the years with adult children. I know some young adults who, though they still speak, avoid their parents influence because of the way it has been offered to them. I know some parents of adult children who are miserable watching their adult children make bad decisions, but not knowing how to reach them.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful relationship with my two adult children. They are two of my best friends. But, I’m careful. I want to protect my influence in their life. And, I know the lines are delicate at times.

So, I offer these thoughts with reservation — knowing that I don’t know it all — but I do have some “experienced” thoughts.

Here are 7 suggestions for parenting adult children:

Speak reservedly – Don’t share every opinion you have about how they should be handling their life. That’s a key word. It’s “their” life. And, they may not tell you in so many words, but most adult children want to live their life. Just like you probably want to live yours. You can share on occasion — especially when asked or you know they are about to make a major mistake — but if you share everything it will eventually be noise not influence in their life.

Model – Be the maturer one in the relationship. That makes sense, right? You’ve got more experience, shouldn’t you have more maturity? I’ve known parents who give the silent treatment to their adult children because they didn’t call when they should or perform as they expected. Is that the mature response? And, does it work? It may guilt a response but it doesn’t promote growth and health in the relationship. Model the behavior you think your adult children should have. They will likely follow actions more than words.

Pray – Pray like crazy for your adult kids. Intercede for them. You don’t even have to tell them you are — although occasionally I suspect they’d like to hear it — even if they act like they don’t. In fact, when you’re tempted to worry about them — pray for them. It’s far more powerful and one of the best ways you can influence them.

Remember you were once this age. That’s a key. Remember what it was like to be their age. You wanted to explore. You had dreams. You were scared at times. Confused. Not sure what steps to take. Some days you were just trying to hold it all together. You didn’t know everything. You were still learning. (Hopefully you still are.) You got aggravated at parents at times. And, those parents got aggravated at you. Remember? Try to identify with them by remembering you at their age again. You can influence them better if you can identify more with their season of life.

Keep the door open. Always. As soon as you close the door — when you draw hard lines on the ground or place strict rules upon the relationship — it will be much harder to open the doors again. That doesn’t mean you have to let them take advantage of you. There may be some non-negotiable issues, but let those be rare. Be generous with grace and forgiveness. Remember, you’re trying to develop a long-term opportunity to influence them.

Love them more than their life. You may not love all the decisions they are making. You may even think they are making a mistake. Again, if there’s an open door to share your insight — share it. I find writing a letter is sometimes the best way, especially if communication is strained. But, the fact is again, you are not raising — you’re influencing. And, they may or may not accept your influence. So, love them — generously and unconditionally — more than you love the decisions they are making with their life. And, make sure they know how unconditional your love is also. It will guard your influence — if not now — in the future.

Guard the heart. Yours and theirs. You want to protect the opportunity to speak into their life for years to come. Be careful making statements or doing things you may later regret.

Hopefully, if influence is protected — if they can understand your intentions towards them are good — you can speak into their life — from your success, your failure, and your experience.

I’m still learning, so what insight do you have for me — those of you who have had adult children even longer than I have?