How Do I Get My Wife to Love Me Again?

couple in distress

The title is deceiving. I admit that. You can’t “get” anyone to love you. How that occurs is a mystery. (And, we’ll end this post in mystery.)

But, I wanted you to find and read the post if you need the help.

I wrote this post almost 5 years ago now and titled it “Winning Back the Heart of My Wife“. It continues to be a heavily searched post. I think it’s because so many men are asking the same question. They’ve lost their wife’s heart and don’t know how to get her back. They want to know how to “get my wife to love me again.”

I decided to repost this, with a few alterations, because apparently there is a huge need. And so yes, if you stumbled here looking for answers-that’s my intent, but please know this is not a perfect post. It won’t apply to everyone. It won’t be an “end all” to your situation. It is simply designed to gear your heart in a healthier direction, so you can better concentrate on repairing your marriage.

As I refresh this post, it’s early one Saturday morning and I have just had this same conversation with another man. He doesn’t know me. He found me online, but he is desperate. Through some bad decisions, he has injured his wife and she isn’t sure she wants the marriage to work anymore so he went searching for answers.

I told him as I’ve said so many times before, this type of help is hard to give over the Internet. Generalized posts can only help so much. His wife is unique; unlike any other woman.

I have learned, however, that there are some commonalities in these situations. In working with marriages in distress, I’ve discovered that most men have injured their wife emotionally at some level and many times don’t even know it.

A man seldom understands (this man included) how different a woman is from a man. Of course, we understand some of the physical differences, but women are usually more in tune with their emotions than men are. When life happens to them, typically their initial and dominant reaction is to respond emotionally. When someone hurts a woman’s feelings, for example, even though the information they receive may be false, they have a harder time working through the feelings associated with the emotional injury.

The heart, speaking in terms of the seat of our emotions, was created much like other parts of the body. When a finger is broken the body is designed to instantly start to heal and protect itself from further injury. The same is true of the heart. When a person’s heart is injured, it goes into a self-protective mode to keep it from further injury. Over time, after years of injury, the heart becomes almost calloused, refusing to allow anyone to injure the heart again. A woman who has had years of emotional injury doesn’t have much heart left to give, but especially to the one who has done the most injury.

When a sudden dangerous blow to the woman’s heart is delivered, such as when she finds out the man had an affair, the already injured heart breaks — and completely closes off from being hurt anymore.

Most men enjoy trying to “fix” problems, but men cannot fix their wife’s heart. And that’s the advice most men want me to give when they contact me. Emotions are not repaired as easily as one could fix a leaking faucet or program a computer. There’s no program. No system. No script. There’s not an “app” for that.

So what is a man to do if he feels his wife’s heart is injured? How do you heal a broken heart?

Of course, Jesus is the Wonderful Counselor. He can come in, erase all the pain and make the heart brand new. Most of the time however, at least in my experience, He lets us wrestle with life’s heartache while we learn to better love one another.

In the former post I list these as “steps”. That was probably a poor choice of words. A better word might be suggestions. They are written simply as suggestions if a man wants to encourage the healing of his wife’s heart. These are good suggestions even if the man simply wants to improve his marriage relationship.

Here are my suggestions:

Seek God – I added this one to the previous post. It should have been in the first one, but honestly, I saw it as almost an unspoken understanding. It’s certainly what most men tell me they are doing at this point. Like the man mentioned above told me, he had never been much of a “church guy”, but now he desperately wants God to heal his marriage. Whatever draws you closer to God is a good thing — and will make you a better man, regardless of what happens with your marriage. Use this time to develop and strengthen your relationship with God. It starts, as all relationships with God begin, through a recognition of who Christ is and your belief in Him. Start there and grow.

Practice Patience – The first thing men need to do is to recognize that restoring a broken heart will not happen overnight. Emotions heal very slowly. Steps should begin to restore an injured heart or to rebuild the marriage, but men should not expect too much too soon.

Love Her – This is by far their greatest need. Most wives have their love need unmet. The standard for our love is perfection, since a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5), so a man will actually never love his wife enough, without the help of Christ. The wife knows, however, when the husband’s attention is somewhere else. Most men sacrifice their marriage for their careers or other interests. A wife’s love need is there every day. A wife needs to know that she is second only to God in her husband’s affections. I have found that for my love for Cheryl to grow-I need Christ’s help. I pray for this often.

Romance Her – A woman has a need for romance. Most wives had a fairy tale idea of marriage when they were growing up. They realize early in marriage this isn’t reality, but their need for occasional romance remains. Men rarely know how to do this. A man should be genuine, but should recognize and value the uniqueness of his wife and find ways to give her romance. I gave my wife a “romantic” trip to New York City for Christmas one year. We were going to dance, walk through Central Park and just enjoy each other. It didn’t turn out exactly as I had planned it, but I earned huge points in the romance category with my wife.

Value Words – When a man comes home and says “This house is a mess”, being a mostly factual being, that’s probably all he meant. He looked around, made a physical observation and stated a factual conclusion. The wife, however, probably did not receive the information that way. The wife most likely hears lots of negative information, such as, “You have done nothing all day”, or maybe even, “I don’t like you.” That sounds impossible to most guy’s rational minds, but with emotions receiving information anything could be heard, whether that was the intended response or not. Men need to learn how to be gentle with their wives and the words they use. One question I ask men, “Would you let another man talk to your wife the way you talk to her?”

Communicate on Her Terms – Women communicate best heart to heart…not head to head. A man should allow his wife to see his true heart. This is difficult for a man to do, but he should be willing to be vulnerable with her. Men may need to ask their wives to help them learn how to say things to her. Men cannot talk to their wives as they would their guy friends. It’s rare for men to get very “deep” in their conversations with other men, especially when it involves emotions. Women require understanding, compassion, openness and honesty in communication.

Give Consistent Assurance – Trust is an important need for a woman in relationships. The wife needs to know that her husband is going to be faithful. Men should not take offense, for example, when their wife asks details about their schedule or the activities of their day. The wife desires to be a partner in her husband’s life and these details help her provide trust and security in the relationship. A man should also tell his wife frequently that he loves her. She needs this consistent assurance. As long as nothing major happens, most men can live with a “we said it once and meant it” attitude. This is not enough for the wiring of most women.

Encourage Truth – Ultimately life cannot be lived strictly by emotions. We need truth. Emotions are often unreliable. A woman who feels unloved may be very much loved by her family, but she fails to feel that truth because of years of emotional abuse or just because she’s emotionally having a bad day. Men should gently, but consistently speak truth in love, reminding his wife of her worth, her beauty, and her place in his life. Husbands have this ability better than anyone in the heart of their wife. Over time — truth, when given with love, can play a part in healing damaged emotions.

Be Consistent – The heart is damaged over years and years of injury. Sadly many women have deep and tragic heart wounds, but much of this injury will have been unintentionally delivered and small in terms of the magnitude of the incident. Years of emotional injury builds up in the heart until the heart becomes closed. The erasing of the pain will happen just as it was developed…a little bit at a time. The husband cannot try this for a week and then stop. Protecting a woman’s heart must become a lifestyle.

I remember once talking with a man whose wife was experiencing deep depression. As I talked with this man it became apparent that, though probably unknowingly, he had been damaging his wife’s heart for years. He couldn’t seem to understand why his wife was so emotional; “Everything seems to upset her”, he said. The man told me he had tried to help her through her problems and that everything they had going against them he could “fix” if she would let him. I am not sure I could have ever convinced this man that his attempts at “repair” were probably one of the chief causes of his wife’s broken heart.

Most men tell me they don’t know how to be who their wife needs them to be or wants them to be. And, most men don’t, anymore than our wives know how to be the wife we need. I believe if we want to grow strong marriages we will both, husbands and wives, have to keep learning. It’s never too late to begin! Ephesians 5 calls it a mystery, but the best marriages work through the hard work, to get to the greater gain. Great marriages are worth it.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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41 thoughts on “How Do I Get My Wife to Love Me Again?

  1. My wife and I had a wonderful 22 years of marriage with 4 kids. It so happened that a girl tempted me by text and by no means I was able to entertain her text until then that we exchanged text. It lasted fro almost 2 months till it was discovered by my family. Trouble erupted between my wife and I that until now for almost a year we've been arguing on these things. That we don't have good marriage relationships. I don't want to leave the house because I love my wife, my children, family. My wife said she does not love me anymore but I don't believe in it. My wife is angry with me for what I have done but I am not surrendering and making all things I could to win her back. The best thing I'm doing is always praying to God that He will make miracle to our marriage and heal the wounds in the heart of my wife. Always praying that God's love will dwell in our hearts esp. in my wife's heart so that the hurt will be gone. I have faith in the Lord that He will solution to these problem. Trusting in the Lord that in His time we will be again living happy and enjoying the moments of our life. Pray that right people will be there to influence my wife towards the healing process. Please for us. thank you.

  2. Hi, i am Kimberley Logan? I'm here to testify about the superb Dr. Love Shrine.After 2 years and 3 months in marriage with my husband kyle. He left me and our little boy shaw, for another lady. I did all i could to get him back, but they all proved abortive. Until one faithful day, an old friend of mine Sarah, told me about Dr. Love Shrine, who helped her in a similar issue. At first, i doubted it, but later on, i decided to give it a try. When i did, he helped me cast a re-union lover's spell. In less than 48 hours, kyle came back pleading on his knees. Right now, we are very happy together, with abundant love, joy and riches. You too can get in contact with this amazing spell doctor right now, on any issue you must be having on his email: dr.lovesolutionshrine@gmail.comThank you so much great one

  3. Life without her is without one. I am a good person and have done good things in my life. However, when God decided to bring me to this world as a human, he gave me a sin to commit so grave that I can't forgive myself nor can I leave things out of my hands. I want divine intervention right now in this moment of my life. I know what I am asking for is for miracles. While I am working on every other aspect to heal my marriage from the scars I have caused in the last 4 years – I do not want my wife to leave in any way as she was a God send. She was a angel to whom I refused physical attention for so many years that she now has closed all doors in her heart for me. I am trying my best to rekindle that desire but she wants to move on and seeks other distractions which are plenty in this world. I hope God gives her enough strength to forgive me and stay with me forever. I seek nothing but her to continue loving as she loved me before. I am willing to make any changes or sacrifices and move heaven or earth to correct myself and be a better human being.

    I love you my sweetheart and will always love you till eternity. My love for you today greater than the whole universe put together and I want to win back your trust, respect and honor you once saw in me. I want to be the best husband in the world.

  4. This is a testimony about a Spell Doctor named Great kinzo via beautifullifestyle101@gmail.com that restored my hope and gave me reasons to love my life again. It was my first time to order for a spell or spiritual help because I don’t believe in them; my religion forbids spells or witches. I had no choice than to connect with the Great kinzo when my wife-To-Be and my Baby mama left me because I am 5 years younger. I tried everything possible to win her back physically but she resisted all my efforts until I decided to go spiritual, but I needed higher power that’s why I connected with the Great kinzo. He proved to me that his spell is not evil and it’s 100% genuine and last for eternity. He was an angel to me and my family during the process of the spell until he finally brought my Baby back as promised. He told me that my Baby’s spirit was distracted towards me and the world, so he called back her spirit and made him remember who she really is and how we started and also the promises she made to me and our child.The Great kizo is a savior of our time and we should all benefit from his spiritual gifts. Thank you the Great one for giving me my own testimony. He will help you find the man or woman of your dreams if you try him. Connect with him via beautifullifestyle101@gmail.com

  5. hi im weltin,i have been with my wife for 8 years married for 6 years.i met my wife when she was 16 years and we have a 9 year difference in years,we got 3 lovely boys and I love my wife so so much please need your help.i work almost everyday my wife don't work and we hardly do things together cause of money and no1 to baby sit but when ever we have a chance we go out just the 2 of us and I make sure I do things for her birthdaysand other important days like mothers day etc.well,my wife just said to me that I took advantage of her as she was 16 and didn't play or go out a lot like I did and now I want to settle and she do not want:( my wife saide she lost interest in me as everything is just like a routing and she cant curry on but I still love her and I did not do anything wrong but I understand her.i really want to save our married please she no longer wanna talk like we use to and stay in the same room but she always avoiding me and get busy on her phone.my wife has friends with no stable relationship and most of her friends are single could this be adding up to our problems?thank you

  6. I have been married for 18 years. My marriage has been great but recently my wife's father died. Her parents live 500 miles from us and she spent the last month with her father. She got close with her friends from high school, one that I did not realize she was that close with in school. This friend has a brother. He was in our area not to long ago and they met up and talked. She told me about this and I was okay because I was very secure in our marriage. But my wife's grief seems to have me insecure now. She tells me she loves me,kisses and hugs me. I have been unemployed for over a year and that has put a strain on our family. When I used to ask my wife "how much do you love me?" she would say big much. Now she says "Enough". Am I blowing this up? I do not suspect infidelity but not sure that she is still with me emotionally and it could be the grieving process. I seem to over analyze everything.

  7. I never understood that who is wrong and who is responsible for misbehave. My all relatives blame me to uncomfortable behavior while she behave same as me.

    But finally I want to patchup. I’m not comfort without her.

  8. I am Sarah Roberts from UK. I was having a serious
    relationship problems with my boyfriend and it had
    resulted in him moving out to his friend’s apartment.
    Everything got worse because he started going to bars and
    strip clubs frequently with his friends, getting drunk and
    passing out. He even went as far as reconciling with his ex
    just o hurt me more, he always threatens me on phone
    whenever I call him because of all the bad advises that his
    friend has given him. I really love him and we had been
    dating for over 8 years. I had also lost a lot of money on
    therapists until I was introduced to Dr. Orbo kosie by a friend
    whom he had helped to marry her childhood boyfriend; this
    gave me total confidence and strength to get him back. I did
    all he asked and after 48 hours my boyfriend called me and
    rushed back home, things just changed between us
    emotionally. He has a job now and has stopped drinking
    and keeping irrelevant friends. It’s more than a miracle, I
    never believed it was possible because I had lost all hope
    until I found Dr.orbo kosie So that’s why I promised to share my
    testimony all over the universe. All thanks goes to Dr.orbo kosie
    for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is his
    id, if you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you
    that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you
    too. Dr orbokosie@gmail.com..

  9. I am Sarah Roberts from UK. I was having a serious
    relationship problems with my boyfriend and it had
    resulted in him moving out to his friend’s apartment.
    Everything got worse because he started going to bars and
    strip clubs frequently with his friends, getting drunk and
    passing out. He even went as far as reconciling with his ex
    just o hurt me more, he always threatens me on phone
    whenever I call him because of all the bad advises that his
    friend has given him. I really love him and we had been
    dating for over 8 years. I had also lost a lot of money on
    therapists until I was introduced to Dr. Orbo kosie by a friend
    whom he had helped to marry her childhood boyfriend; this
    gave me total confidence and strength to get him back. I did
    all he asked and after 48 hours my boyfriend called me and
    rushed back home, things just changed between us
    emotionally. He has a job now and has stopped drinking
    and keeping irrelevant friends. It’s more than a miracle, I
    never believed it was possible because I had lost all hope
    until I found Dr.orbo kosie So that’s why I promised to share my
    testimony all over the universe. All thanks goes to Dr.orbo kosie
    for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is his
    id, if you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you
    that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you
    too. Dr orbokosie@gmail.com

  10. My wife and I had a wonderful 22 years of marriage with 4 kids. It so happened that a girl tempted me by text and by no means I was able to entertain her text until then that we exchanged text. It lasted fro almost 2 months till it was discovered by my family. Trouble erupted between my wife and I that until now for almost a year we've been arguing on these things. That we don't have good marriage relationships. I don't want to leave the house because I love my wife, my children, family. My wife said she does not love me anymore but I don't believe in it. My wife is angry with me for what I have done but I am not surrendering and making all things I could to win her back. The best thing I'm doing is always praying to God that He will make miracle to our marriage and heal the wounds in the heart of my wife. Always praying that God's love will dwell in our hearts esp. in my wife's heart so that the hurt will be gone. I have faith in the Lord that He will solution to these problem. Trusting in the Lord that in His time we will be again living happy and enjoying the moments of our life. Pray that right people will be there to influence my wife towards the healing process. Please for us. thank you.

  11. im 22, my wife 21. . .we’ve been married almost 3 years, and we have 3 small children

    togeather. i read this and burst into tears, ive just recently come home after another

    “break” for a week or 2, im only now realizing how much ive hurt my wifes emotions,

    by going to work, coming home, and doing my OWn things without her. no

    compliments to her, no asking her aout her day, we would have sex, then go to bed,

    then that was it, i hardly even went to the grocery store with her, during this recent break, we were seriously about to divorce, she told me she slept with someone at her

    college, and she said it was all due to me not giving her attention, i get so frustreated/

    sad thinking about “them togeather”, but i cant can i? i pushed her away, i left, iam

    willing to change whatever i need to change, for the rest of my life, i cant lose my wife

    and kids, her sleeping with that guy showed me how fragile it all is, she keeps telling

    me that she needs time to love me the same way she used to, so i guess thats not all bad is it? at least shes not telling me to leave, and filing for divorce. iam hoping i can

    change this, my wife and kids r the absolute best things that has ever happend to

    me. . .and i willl not lose them.

  12. im 22, my wife 21. . .we've been married almost 3 years, and we have 3 small children togeather. i read this and burst into tears, ive just recently come home after another "break" for a week or 2, im only now realizing how much ive hurt my wifes emotions, by going to work, coming home, and doing my OWn things without her. no compliments to her, no asking her aout her day, we would have sex, then go to bed, then that was it, i hardly even went to the grocery store with her, during this recent break, we were seriously about to divorce, she told me she slept with someone at her college, and she said it was all due to me not giving her attention, i get so frustreated/sad thinking about "them togeather", but i cant can i? i pushed her away, i left, iam willing to change whatever i need to change, for the rest of my life, i cant lose my wife and kids, her sleeping with that guy showed me how fragile it all is, she keeps telling me that she needs time to love me the same way she used to, so i guess thats not all bad is it? at least shes not telling me to leave, and filing for divorce. iam hoping i can change this, my wife and kids r the absolute best things that has ever happend to me. . .and i willl not lose them.

  13. OK folks. I think I know what is going on with my wife. 6 months ago she said she does not love me any more. I have not been a perfect husband but I have not been a bad husband. I have made many changes to myself and I actually like this new guy. I cook and I am in good physical shape. I spend more time with my daughter and we do fun things together. I am over the numbing fear of losing my wife and daughter and the house we worked so hard for. I have changed my attitude to many things in my life including myself and my job. I used to hate many things, and I now realise how blessed I am having many posetive things in my life. Long story short, after months of asking and crying and beggin and councillors and self help books and more rejection and horrible words, I stumbled upon something that looks very real to me. It looks like my wife is going through midlife crisis…..! Many people thinks this is a myth but the signs are pretty clear. She is almost text book case. She is not sever (yet) as she has not engaged in extra marital relationships (as far as I know) but the road is long. She is my love and I will stand by her as I know these changes that is happening to her is not her choice. She desperately wants to leave and now that I know what is going on, I am taking all the pressure off her so she can work through her issues. I know she loves her daughter and I know she used to love me. I think all that may help is prayer, patience and no pressure and time. Thats what I will be doing. And from now on, I am not going to wait for live to come to me, I am going to go out and live it, even if my wife decides to leave.

  14. So me and my wife have been together for 6 yrs total with 2 being

    married. I read all through this and I lost it all. I am selfish bottom line.

    Every time I “injure” her heart I think I can fix it. But in all reality I can’t.

    I say I’ll do this I say I’ll do that. But never do I put it off. Over the years

    I have done nothing but hurt her and then this last time I really

    crossed the line, made her leave me status she wants a divorce she has no faith that I will change. I’m jus so depressed and lost. I’m

    seeking GOD and he helps me through this depression. I jus don’t

    know what to do to make her believe I’m going to change this time

    around because I can’t live without her and mg son…its my anger that

    drove her away, .my temper outburst. But I really do want to change

    for the better… but she wants nothing to do with me…she says maybe over the years if she sees change…I told her all I need is a piece of

    thread from her…jus talking to me and I’ll be able to build from that…is

    it jus going to take time? If she still allows herself to talk wit me does

    that mean she has jus a little bit of faith? I’m so confused weather she

    does love me enough to work it out jus in her terms or she really is

    done and really will divorce me…

  15. I am Abhishek Chakravartty, sending this email from India. My only request

    to you is that you use your magic to give me an as painless death as

    possible because the life I am living at present is very painful and

    boring. I am suffering from ulcerative colitis. So very often I have severe

    stomach pain. Besides, I am also suffering from hyperactivity. So I am not

    getting any job although I have completed my studies. So I want to get rid of this painful and boring life. So my only request to you is that you use

    your magic to give me an as painless death as possible.

  16. Ultimately life cannot be lived strictly by emotions. We need truth. Emotions are often unreliable. A woman who feels unloved may be very much loved

    by her family, but she fails to feel that truth because of years of emotional abuse or just

    because she’s emotionally having a bad day. Men should gently, but consistently speak

    truth in love, reminding his wife of her worth, her beauty, and her place in his life.

    Husbands have this ability better than anyone in the heart of their wife. Over time —

    truth, when given with love, can play a part in healing damaged emotions.

  17. How does a wife love the husband again when she is contaminated with the love of another person. She refuses to accept there is a marriage (yet no divorce) with pornography issues by the husband, and adultery by the wife. The husband stays strong after receiving clear messages from God to preserve. Yet, mentally and physically she has left the marriage, and it tears at him. He understands that God is working on him, but what’s it worth when there doesn’t appear to be a marriage anymore?

  18. I have been married 11 years and I have neglected my wife. I never knew this until she told me 5 months ago that she does not love me any more. We have both made mistakes. She bottles up emotions like anger. we never really fight. There has never been any domestic violence or infidelity although my jealousy and controlling behaviour is a problem. I am working very hard on that now that I know that it is a problem. Now after getting over the shock she says that she feels trapped and wants to leave. I am begging her to stay and work on the marriage while I am making many changes. She is 100% sure that her feelings will not come back. She is sleeping in another room and does not want any affection of any kind. I am struggling with the rejection but I am not giving up on this marriage. I am sleeping at my brother's place two nights a week to give her space. I am reading this post over and over and every time I find a little peace and strength in the first two points. Find God and be patient. The rest, I am working on. Romancing is difficult as she suspects everything has an angle. I tell her that I love her every day. I asked if she believes that I love her. At first she avoided the questions. Now she says that she believes it but I think she only says that she believes me to shut me up. I am not giving up on this marriage. She is the best women I could ever have asked for.She is a great mother and she is truly beautiful inside and out. She is very hard towards me right now. I pray to God soften her heart and open up to me. I am very very unsure of where this is going. I am only hanging on to my faith and hope. Please pray for my wife and my marriage and my family.
    Thanks
    Frankbyname

    • Praying for you Frankbyname… I hope your wife has a Christian faith, and that you’re able sit down with her every night and pray to God with thanks for her and that God works miracles in you to change your being that she might be able to love you again.

    • Hi Frankbyname. I am in the exact same spot as you. I understand what you are both going through and I hope things work out. I am also hanging on to faith and hope, and asking God for a miracle and a change in her heart. Stay strong. Please pray for my wife/marraige as well. God bless!

    • Frankbyname, I understand your position, I am exactly in the same situation and it came out of the blue from my wife just before Xmas. I have mistakenly lost my wonderful wife's heart over the last few years without knowing or seeing it!! I have realised like you this is a long long process and I will do anything to keep my wife and children together, I have to change, and I know I have to show her, how much I love her without smothering, while also being patient. I will be hurt along the way, but it is not about me but my wife and our marriage! Hold in there and never give up!

      God bless

  19. So me and my wife have been together for 6 yrs total with 2 being married. I read all through this and I lost it all. I am selfish bottom line. Every time I "injure" her heart I think I can fix it. But in all reality I can't. I say I'll do this I say I'll do that. But never do I put it off. Over the years I have done nothing but hurt her and then this last time I really crossed the line, made her leave me status she wants a divorce she has no faith that I will change. I'm jus so depressed and lost. I'm seeking GOD and he helps me through this depression. I jus don't know what to do to make her believe I'm going to change this time around because I can't live without her and mg son…its my anger that drove her away, .my temper outburst. But I really do want to change for the better… but she wants nothing to do with me…she says maybe over the years if she sees change…I told her all I need is a piece of thread from her…jus talking to me and I'll be able to build from that…is it jus going to take time? If she still allows herself to talk wit me does that mean she has jus a little bit of faith? I'm so confused weather she does love me enough to work it out jus in her terms or she really is done and really will divorce me…

    • Manuel… discover your anger. What would get you angry at your loving wife? Normally it’s something from your past; and if you can’t find the source, she can’t trust you. It could be lust, pornography, jealousy, abandonment, selfish, self-esteem…. but without knowing where the water leak is, you could drown before you find the leak. Ask for God’s help, direction to take. I have found complete submittal to God gives Him full access to work on you. It may hurt before the healing comes, but He has made you and knows what it takes to restore you. God Bless.

  20. Okay, I read your updated suggestions to making your wife love you again. Some of the things you listed couldn’t be more accurate. Especially the damaged closed heart after a long period of hurt. My situation is a little more complicated, and like you mentioned when speaking about the guy and his unique wife, well I have a more complicated fiance of almost 6 years. My situation isn’t me cheating or anything like that. For years, we have dealt with many issues from my ex wife and my son with her, trust issues, my fiances children, but most of all, we both thought we were right, no communication, and we didn’t like how we were with each other’s children. We are a blended family of 9, 7 boys in all.. I’ll cut to the chase, after years of troubled conflict, and her constantly complaining about issues, and me aswell, I finally submitted to my pride and denial and realized something when she needed to getaway and took off for a night with a friend who she had been hanging around with quite frequently and not coming home till late at night, even early mornings. Her intention was to get a break and work on things with a clearer mind, to see if she missed me, us, the kids. And when she left, I was pissed, and when she returned, even more anger. Most of the kids were at their other parents house with the exception of our 2 boys we have together. I laid in bed with our 2yr old and couldn’t sleep that night. We had never been away like that in that way. I couldn’t eat the next day, just wondered who she was really with, what she was doing.. when she returned, I wasn’t happy and a day went by and I had been thinking what I was gonna do, how would I respond. And from that point, I made some huge changes in myself, how I was with her kids, what I did around the house, how I treated her. But since then. It seems we have gotten further, why? I mean at times there’s small flashes of improving but then she says she’s not attracted, no interest, that she’s content with where she is and just wants to b together for the kids, to not put them thru another break up. But thru all of this.. i have learned so much about appreciating her, loving her, things what and what not to do, understanding her better, becoming a better step parent, bettering myself physically, and helping out more without her asking, basically developing good habbits. My story is so much more detailed but I can get into that more later. It’s hard to hold onto hope and not to give up because I feel like I’m getting rejected, everything is so hard and hurtful, I just wanna give up but then I know she’s been crying out to me for a couple of years so I guess 3 months is nothing but I guess I’m confussed and hurt because although she had been treating me like crap those past years, I never said I wasn’t attracted to her or that I wasn’t connected.. that’s what I get right now.. bottom line is I know it takes time, it’s a hard process, I still do the little things now, try to take her out, surprise her, leave little things to show I love, but it all seems pointless.. but I’m still hoping, thinking she’s testing me, but I truley understand so much more now than I did before, I want to show her and prove to her but she thinks it’s fake.. what do I do? Help save our family! Any advice would b great. Thx jason

    • Jason
      I wish there was some advice I could give you but I have been in a similar situation for 4 months now. Nobody seems to be able to help. I have been to counselling and that did not work. At the moment we are trying to take one day at a time and I am showing her as mcuh love as she will appreciate. (she does not want any affection) The rejection hurts like a fire in my chest.

      All I can say is hang in there brother. It is worth the pain. You know she is worth the hassle.

      God Bless
      FrankByName

  21. Amazing! I am feeling great after reading it. This is right that women are more emotional compared to men and that a men should understand. Express your your if you want her back. Thanks for explaining everything. Please keep writing such blogs…

  22. Well, almost a month has past since my wife has asked me to leave. There have been no changes that are positive. As we have talked a few times, texted a bit and met in person on three ocassions, it has become obvious to me that she is no longer in love with me. She has said some things that I just don’t understand. My previous posts indicated the reasons she has given me for the divorce, but since that time she has given me reasons that I really don’t understand. She has acted out of character for the woman I thought I knew. I am trying to stay positive. Trying to correct my life with Christ and have a better understanding of this relationship. It looks to me like all hope of our marriage is lost. I still continue to pray for a miracle. All I know is that I feel so very alone. Please pray for me and my family. Even if it is just to heal our hearts from this pain that divorce causes everyone involved. Thank you.

      • Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for the information you have put togther and the forum for open conversation. May God continue to bless you.

    • I was married for two yrs in all my wife came to me and told me she was goin to leave I really didn’t know at that time if it was my fault but I did learn later on that my wife left me for a dirty nasty piece of trash of a man but that’s life if she wants a old saggy balls for a lover that’s her business lol but it takes work to keep a marriage women can lose interest quick if you don’t keep them happy

  23. My left about a month ago. I truly had no idea that she felt no love for me anymore. I love her dearly. We have been married for 25 years. I am devastated. We have always been God fearing people but within the last year we have fallen away. Not to say into sin but just not attending church like we should. I have been speaking God’s word hoping to find the answer. Thank you for this information. God bless you.

  24. I posted the previous comment. I have corrections to make. I have been neglectful. I have created distance for worldly "things". I thought being a provider was my only real responsibility. In short, I am responsible for hardening my wife's heart and driving her away from me. She has said my journey has been like that of Job. The difference being that I needed to lose everything in order to find the one true thing. I am owning all of these things. I am praying for an opportunity to be the man God has desired for her to have. I need advice and prayer on how to soften her heart. She has told me she has already forgiven me and wants to move on and that it is too late for counseling and or any more chances. I want to fight for her. Do you have any idea how to proceed?

  25. My wife asked me for a divorce yesterday and has asked me to leave home. This because I have not been the spiritual leader of our family. I will be the first to admit that I do not walk in Christ as I should have. I have always believed and talked to God. I have not had affairs, been abusive or been neglectful. I have been injured to the point that I can no loger work. We have lost our home and have had to move in with her parents. I have told her I would do anything for us to remain together. We have been together for 23 years and have two kiddos, 18 and 16. I don’t know what else to do.

  26. I have been fighting with my wife for a few months now over what can I do to make us work out she has cheated two times that I know about but she tells me that she loves and want to be with me I don’t know what to do about ever thing all she does is sleep till the kids get home then as soon as they go to bed she goes to sleep she has no time for me or the want to make time for me what can I do just need so input

  27. I'm in a period of rebuilding a broken marriage. I'm about 3 months in after hitting rock bottom where my wife basically told me she feels nothing for me sexually. To sum things up, I drastically neglected my wife's emotions for many years. We are doing much better, and I'm doing the things listed in the post. We have young kids, and she doesn't want a divorce. She has however told me she doesn't think she'll ever feel romantic love towards me. She's never been very interested in sex (even when the marriage was great), which is what caused the downward spiral. I'll admit, I had a very selfish outlook on sex prior to doing some major soul searching and reading several books on what a healthy marriage involves. She does acknowledge the positive change in me, we regularly attend church, and are active in the church community. She is willing to have sex with me now, but tells me she will because she knows "that's what wives do." Each day our relationship improves. Here's my question: Do I have sex with my wife even though I know she's doing it because she knows I can't live a sexless marriage. I don't want to push her away, and want my marriage to continue to improve. If I resist, when do I pursue sex if I know she'll do it whenever I want it. I want her to want to do it, but I seriously wonder if her sex drive is so low, she'll never want it.

    • The question I'd ask is Is she willing? If so, she can be doing it only to serve you. The wanting will hopefully come with time. Be thankful she's willing to serve in this way and look for ways to do likewise for her. 

  28. This is so fascinating to me to read, as I’ve written a great deal about emotional healing from the point of view of a wife whose response to emotional hurt was sexual refusal. A husband can’t make his wife feel differently, but he can work to remove some of the barriers that interfere with her growth in that direction.

    I share some suggestions for wives about healing and about nurturing an environment that provides space for a husband’s growth ( http://forgivenwife.com/2014/02/20/climate-change…. Ideally, both spouses will work on themselves while they encourage the other’s growth.

    I am glad to read your suggestion for patience. I hear from many heart-broken husbands who want to know how long change will take, but there is no timetable for growth. Slow progess is still progress, and a wife who needs to relearn her husband’s emotional trustworthiness cannot do so overnight. She needs consistency over time.

    • I have been hurt so deeply,with two marriages, and I thought I was a perfect domestic diva, The 1st.one was so womanizer,just totally love woman. but at the end I felt so alone.I never have treated as a wife.
      Woman needed to be Loved,and assurance of being Loved by their husband.A surprises of praising for the things she does.Asurptise of planted plants, or little gifts,knows that you think about her.At the end I was so exhausted to pleased him.Then I have to work to support myself,when he is making six digits,then he comes home and started to giving a good compliment to his gay coworker?That is so painful.I made sure everything is heavenly when he comes home from work. I wanted him to relaxed and just to feel homely.There are times that I have to do yard work,when he can afford to hire someone to do yardwork. I walked out,that is not a marriage,that is not Love.I am dating now and this person just Loves me,but how can I trust again.