7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband…Without Even Knowing It

counseling distressed couple

I was talking to a man the other day. He’s injured. Not severely. He will survive. Hopefully. The wounds aren’t deep. Right now. But, he is injured.

It’s an emotional injury. Sometimes those are the worst kind of hurts.

The person doing the injuring: His wife.

And she…most likely…doesn’t even know she’s doing it.


I’m not. It happens all the time. She’s probably injured too. And, he doesn’t even know he’s doing it to her. Marriages are made of two very different, imperfect people. Plus, we often injure most those we love the most.

My friend is newly married. Over the course of the last few months he’s began to realize how many things his wife is saying and doing that are causing him to pull away from her. He even recognizes his reaction as a defense mechanism. Rather than start a fight, he withdraws. And, he’s withdrawn to the point that he was willing to admit his hurt…which is difficult for any man to do. I was proud of him for being humble enough to ask if this was normal in a marriage.

It didn’t take long before I realized, however, this marriage is heading for disaster if they don’t address their issues soon. There’s a great chance she has questions about the relationship also. Thankfully, they’re in a great season to ask hard questions…learn valuable lessons…and strengthen the marriage.

I should be clear. This is not a counseling blog. And, this couple needs counseling. Even though I have a degree in counseling, this is simply a blog where I want to help people. Mostly that’s by addressing leadership issues, but sometimes I address the issues dealing with relationships…families…marriage…children. Because, those issues impact us all. And, our leadership.

Which led me to this post…addressing the ways wives injure their husbands…without even knowing it. I realize this works both ways. As a man, I feel most prepared to address this side of the issue. I consulted with my wife for the companion post 7 Ways a Husband Injures His Wife…Without Even Knowing It.

Here are 7 ways a wife injures her husband (without even knowing it):

Put him down in front of other people – Most men will not counter this type of humiliation in public…if ever. They will simply take it…and hurt. If they do eventually address it it will be out of stored up resentment…maybe anger…and it won’t be pretty.

Go behind him when he tries to do something at home – When you always show him how much better you can do things than he can do them, his ego is injured. When he fixes the bed…for example…and you follow behind him showing him the “correct way” immediately after he finishes, he is reminded he doesn’t measure up to your standards.

Constantly badger him – If he doesn’t do what you want him to do…and you remind him. Again. And, again…it never accomplishes what you think it will. In fact, it injures him with the opposite result.

Use the “you always” phrase…excessively – Because…he “always” does… Not really, but when you accuse him that he always does…sadly, it only helps build him into a man that always will.

Hold him responsible for your emotional well-being – Acting as if he’s the reason you feel bad today…and every other day you feel bad…puts undue pressure on him he doesn’t know what to do with. And, you don’t have to tell him. Subtly, just be in a bad mood towards him…without releasing him from guilt. He’ll take the hint…and own the responsibility. He will think it’s his fault even if it’s not. And, he caries that pain.

Complain about what you don’t have or get to do – He has a desire to fix things. He wants to be a provider. Every man does. Some attempt to live it out and some don’t. But, when he’s trying, doing the best he can, yet he feels he isn’t measuring up…he’s crushed. When you are always commenting on what other women have…that you don’t…he carries the blame…even if you’re not intending it to be his.

Don’t appreciate his efforts – Want to injure a man? Refuse to appreciate the things he feels he does well. It could be work, a hobby or a trait, but he feels part of his identity in the things he does. When you don’t find them as “valuable” as he does, his ego is bruised.

The reality is a man’s ego…self-confidence…sense of worth…is greatly tied to his wife. Just as a woman’s is to her husband. We can be fragile people. Some more than others. And, some seasons more than others. Understanding these issues and addressing them…with a third party if necessary…build healthier, stronger and happier people…and marriages.

I understand some women, especially the equally or more wounded women, are going to take offense to this post. I get that. I’m prepared for that…I think. All I can say is that you can’t measure my heart or my intention. As I said, I aim to help. You can’t address what you do not know. If you are guilty of any of these, the response is up to you. If not, well, thanks for reading to this point in the post anyway.

I’m praying this lands on ears that need to hear.

For a similar post, click HERE

(Note: I used this post in a message I preached on marriage. You can view it HERE. Also, I wrote a parenting version of this post about ways parents injure a child. Read it HERE.)

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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354 thoughts on “7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband…Without Even Knowing It

  1. ( Nov 24, 2015 9:12 a m)
    See ladies, Gife, just painted ALL of us, with the same brush. yet, he and most every other man, will scream and get ugly, when a woman paints them with a broad brush. Men, this is double standard # 3.

    But anyway, just know, that you husbands are huge pains in the ass too. Many gullible wives are too afraid to tell you how much of an ass each of you are. Women do this with a fault, but those same wives will fuss about needing help.
    Haven't you husbands heard your wives, on the phone crying while telling their moms and sisters about the pain and struggle, they endure being married to you? Husbands, many of you can be very lazy. A home and family needs attention and your wife cannot do it ALL! Yet cannot expect your wife to toil and work, then magically turn into a sex kitten or porn star At night! . She is soooooo afraid that your mouth will form to say the words nag and bitch!! So wears herself out. Where then dear men, do you all think that sexual being will cone from, after you have treated her with your selfish coldness??
    Yes wives fuss. I used to fuss too, when I thought I had to and was expected to do everything, but I quickly learned some sense. I observed men and discovered what men are all about and how their minds work. I discovered that most are indeed selfish and egotistical.

  2. This definitely make sense at least for me, but how the wife’s actions affects a man is all down to the type of man you are. My wife is a typical example of these woman in this article but I simply call her mad woman and I believed it in my heart hence, I don’t take her serious. My father was exactly the same with my mother but the marriage lasted forever even though my mother always have something to complain about but my father could not even care less to defend himself or even comoment he simply dismiss her complain and in most cases he is correct. I just follow the route as it appear all women is the same pain in the ass therefore quite all this communication bit and stuff disregard them when it’s not worth it period. If you are getting hurt it’s because there is two women in the marriage

  3. Except for the constant reminder thing, i agree. I think, a wife is defenseless against broken promises if she doesn’t say something. A friend of mine has her house and yard a complete shambles because she refuses to “nag”. Another friend’s husband has completely nothing at all to do with the house and yard because she won’t “be that kind”. He also speaks very little to her at all about anything and she doesn’t like it but won’t speak. I have two other friends in the same situation. You would have us victims in this.

    • When a husband or a boyfriend labels the woman's requests to complete a task or give assistance, as her nagging, or bitching, then women should just stop asking him for help, then try to get things accomplished on her own, especially, those tasks that only benefit her.
      Leave him alone and take care of you and your babies, as much as you can, without him. Then when he comes to you asking for something, or for your help, show him the same attitude that he previously showed you. Do this enough times for him to get the idea. This is not being vindictive. It is a way for him to see his previous bad attitude towards you when you asked him to do something.

      What I learned, from this man made lie about women being nags, is that men nag and bitch too.But our society won't tell the truth about this myth! So women have just got to be aware and be strong within themselves and observe and speak up for the truth.

      And since wives and girlfriends usually bend over backwards doing everything for everybody anyway, men will let us and benefit from this. Men have always benefited from the perks that we women provide for them. Know that many men are just selfish enough to let their women keep solving all the problems and completing tasks as long as she doesn't say anything, complain, or bother him and ask for help.

  4. I am very lucky to have a great spouse but I too find fault in him and I point it out. I was looking for another topic and unexpectedly saw this and wow does it ever strike a nerve. Thanks for your insight.

  5. 1. The fact that after short time of his marriage, he complained about his wife outside home does not show a strong personaliry.

    2. You should remind him that this is personal life and should not be consulted with you but a person who can hear both of them, means wife and husband.

    3. Without hearing the wife side of the story, we can not judge that their marriage is a disaster, but we can see that in this article there an abet for the husband.

    4. The case mentioned as a problem shows that he is rather likely to shows you that he is not happy with his marriage, and getting closer to you.

    • Sam and you just showed us that you are the type of person that thinks it is the husbands fault on everything. Some women are very inept at taking care of the husbands feelings. Once a man's heart has been broken there is no "strong person" left to show. Which she covered in her article and you ignored it or just didn't read all the way through.

      • Adam. are you really implying that women's hearts don't get broken? Wow! Such like of awareness.

        You see Adam, you and any other person who sits around writing articles, writing lists, or just supporting doctrines give a false picture of man woman relationships, that make the lines slant to show only that the husband hurts, but forgets to show that the wife's has hurt and pain…………then Adam you will get reactions from women like myself, who speak the truth !!!

  6. I'm not quite sure whether my ex wife wanted a puppet or a husband. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I'd be criticized if I didn't help with the housework and if I did I'd be pulled apart for doing it incorrectly. My wife was a control freak and emotional vampire. She sucks the life out of those close to her by making demands, accusations and snide remarks. Denial was and is her MO. Gaslighting is her art-form.
    Being with her was like being slowly dissolved in an acid bath. Up to my eyeballs in addiction and the brink of suicide I got out of there, my mental health has been on the up ever since. My heart is broken for my children, no child deserves to see their father destroyed like they did.

  7. Your right and I am going to lose my husband,I love and need him more then ever, all I ask for Is attention I don’t get it he says he has know time for me he

    Treats me like I’m not around when his family is here he does many things for them and with them he never involves me we are not married his kids are not nice to me his sons are 34 and 33 they moved out when I moved in he will not say anything to them when they disrespect me I am very sad and I don’t like myself much I do nothing good enough his relatives treat me as if I’m not good enough for him I lost my self worth

    • Ladies, please know that you all are vital. You are. Whole with or without a man! Women are human beings too. Love yourselves. I have males in my life, I care for them, but I sure do love myself before I place myself in a relationship..
      A female is nothing without her self respect and dignity. If we exalt our men, wait on our end hand and foot, kiss up to their behinds, and they mistreat us, what dignity do you gave left? That's why man will not respect you, you do not respect yourself.
      Women must seek guidance from wise women, not from men!! Men are loyal to other men!! I have not been hurt or abused, but I know better than to place all my trust in a man.
      Don't be deceived by men or women who have been indoctrinated and who write articles telling women what we need to do for men, and what we do wrong.

      Know that you are important, contrary to what anyone else says to you. There comes a time, when each female needs to love herself, before she loves a man. Females need to realize that they can be in a room by themselves and ignore a male who is not kind to them. We females have got to realize that we do not need a man, if we have not learned to love ourselves. Really and truthfully
      Stop grinning up. Don't kiss up. Love you!

  8. I think a helpful thing Ron and other article writers could do is, write 2 lists on the same page. And the lists need to be very much the same, because men do the same hurtful things to their wives that they claim only wives do. It's all a big lie ladies. Don't fall for these man made doctrines that these people tell you about what wives are to do.

    No man can tell any women how she feels, no man can tell a woman what they need and want. They are not women. Women need affirmation, to be respected, don't like to be nagged, don't want the husband to embarrass her in front of others, need space away from their husbands but can't get it because women are always cooking and cleaning , we also want our efforts to be appreciated, and don't tell us " it's no big deal when his mother is nasty to us"

    You see Ron, women need and want practically all the same things,. What makes you think women do not have pride too and want our egos stroked too. Oh, I know, it's probably because you article writers don't tell the truth from the woman's perspective.
    See, I am not like some of the indoctrinated women who write here and forget to speak the truth. I dont sell my gender out, the way that some weak women do.

    • Tough, rough, and gorgeous..just doesnt seem to mix well Jim, sorry “Jean”. Lucky for you, transgender is becoming more and more popular!

      • Go ahead little Sam, what you're doing is called "bullying". But, go ahead, since that's all you know how to do. You can call me all the names you want. Make you feel better? Your character, or lack of character, is so obvious.
        Now, just so you and other males get it, I will continue to support females. I won't allow you or any other commenter, to blame and belittle females, for male' sins, need to be exalted, and your lustful, carnal desires. Females are used to these pitiful, pathetic, "blame and scold" articles that are written all over the Internet, by a bunch of anti female doctrine creators. This is nothing new.

        Now, go ahead and make another weak shot.

  9. Thank you for your wisdom! As woman I was taught to rely on myself which led to fierce independence and under appreciation or dismissal of male efforts to help! Result was withdrawn and end of the relationship

  10. According to this list, husbands are super-sensitive. Seems like every little thing bothers them and instead of taking care of the home and her babies and her pregnancy and her other woman issues, she has got to also walk around on eggshells around him. The way I see it is that, we may need to warn women before they marry, just how sensitive and fragile men are once they marry. It's too much of a struggle to deal with men. I just tell women to run!! 🐎🐎
    Women get wounded and hurt by the things that their husbands say and do to,them, but women try to get the hurt feelings out into the open and then are ready to kiss up to the husbands a few minutes later. All this moving away from your spouse as if you are a little pouty child is not becoming to a grown man.
    Men…….., just tell her whatever she said or did that pissed you off and discuss it with her. Then tell her not to do it to you again. Oh I forgot, the whole trouble in the first place, is because men don't like to and won't discuss or communicate with their wives on a verbal level, only a sexual need level. But these men will get loud and rowdy with his buddies at the football game or in front of the TV.
    See men, verbal communication in a marriage is just as important as the sex you all so desperately crave.
    Marriage could be wonderful, if bother the husband and the wife would stop being pouty, selfish, critical, and distant to their spouses and learn how to be loving, warm, communicative, giving and unselfish.

  11. my husband he resently attend a new church and he chanched a lot sience he became a believer,hes not a man i used to know anymore he treats me like his room mate,he even tells me what if back then he was only pretending now he has changed he is a believer and his he loves his church so much his church comes first in everything even his family,hes always so tired and sleepy the entere week but friday and sunday when he goes to church hes not,when i talk to him about that and not spending time with us he gets angry and tells me its because i dond like his church thats y iam complaining always,and tells me i shoul get use to the fack that his church comes first,ive tried to be a good wife to him but he always push me aways because of his church,what can i do to get my husband back to his family i dont want him to leave his church but i want him to be a father and a husband to be,please help

  12. I understand not cutting a man down, but honestly this article just wants me to say “suck it up and be a man”! Why do we have to tip toe around our husbands feelings and boost their ego all the time. He doesn’t nor has any other past partner done this for me. Men act all tough but you are just big children. It drives me crazy that as a mother and wife I have to lift everyone else up while I’m the one who has the world on my shoulders with everyone adding to my load and not helping or cheering me on! Men need to grow up and be responsible for their own self worth and stop being so sensitive. Plus if men wouldn’t do everything half ass to get out of working maybe we wouldn’t nag so much. Just do the job and do it right the first time. What would you men do if we cook your meals half way or burn them and expect you to eat it, like it, and tell us it was the best meal ever? I’m tired of stroking my husbands ego and enabling his childish behavior. Grow a set!

  13. I’m not sure what to do any more. I’ve tried changing myself, but she still treats me as a roommate. She’s done all of these to me, and I’m used to it now and I’m not even hurt by it anymore. Every time something happens, whether it’s how she feels, or if I did something by accident; all I here is “I hate you, your not normal, your crazy, I don’t love you.” But I don’t do anything to her. In fact I avoid her now. And when I confronted her she repeated those things and said to me “you don’t know my past.” I told her that I didn’t marry her for her past. And when I pursue her further she starts getting meaner, and and won’t tell me why or how I’m crazy, not normal, weird, and why she hates me. She never has a reason. She only repeats her self. Except one time she said that she still loves her ex boy friend. She’s threatened me with divorce to, but only does so when I pursue her. So I called her bluff and told her to find me someone normal and I’ll divorce you. And she didn’t say anything, nor do anything afterwards.

    • Thanks. My blogging software has spellcheck but it's not real accurate sometimes. I welcome any you have caught. It's always helpful. This post has been out over a year and has tens of thousands of views but I haven't received any. Thank you. 

  14. To the moderator: Please remove the spam postings about “spell casting”, and, “love potions”. They are part of an illegal scam, and the accounts from the posting(s) should be reported to the authorities.

    • Wives go through this too, because even though article writers and the men here, and some of these women readers, will not admit, husbands do these too.
      I can't wait until women wake up and begin to write counter articles that give a balanced view of marriage and tell all the mess that wives go through with husbands that need to be exalted.

  15. Ill admite i do this with out even knowing it but theres alot of stress between us he has injured me too he lets his friends put me down n he dose the same no respect n it hurts.so iv become so bitter tords him

    • Brigitte,
      Thank you for standing in your truth. I just can't get an understanding on this belief that only the wife is accused for doing these things, when it is as plain as the nose on your face that our husbands do these too.
      I am able to stand in my truth. I cannot lie and say my husband is not guilty of doing these. Plus, I see my friends' husbands doing most of these.

  16. Thank you for sharing this. I made a careful mental checklist, and have read both articles. My husband and I are not injuring each other in these ways! And, I believe anyone who gets angry over the article, probably has a little guilt over the items they could not check of their list. We vow to be a partner for each other when we marry. The biggest mistake you can make in a marriage is forgetting that you are not there to change, or criticize, but to partner, support and lift the other person.

    • Getting angry over an article does not mean a person has guilt. It might mean that the particular wife sees her husband doing those same things to her and she is tired of reading where people like you say these are things that only wives do. Our husbands do these all the time.

    • Oh so you are saying that getting angry about the article denotes guilt? Are you saying a person is angry because they probably can't check some of the items off this list. Wow, what an unusual conclusion! You are absolutely wrong. Women getting angry about these type articles that are thrown at them, could be angry because they are simply fed up with the abundance of lists that article writers keep throwing at and blaming wives about.

      If you do a search on topics with the terms: obedient wives, docile wives, exalting husband wives, respect wives, surrender wives, submissive wives, respect wives, Biblical wives, etc, you will see all, these cult like articles and books that women actually and shamefully write about other women. This is why women react with anger.

  17. I just put my husband down in front of his friend without knowing/ noticing it, he says i was stiriing at his friend which is sending wrong signals, and now he cant forgive me he needs a divorce. So sad

  18. Hi,I think you have indeed done us all a huge favor in writing this blog,and so appreciate you taking the bold move to do so.I've spent months trying to work out what goes on in his mind,(things from his side) and as I try to get him to converse with me ,asking how he feels about things but he will just sit there when I'm talking to him ,or get on his computer ,and doesn't acknowledge I'm speaking to him or respond in anyway.Except ,if he tells just shut up.As hard as I try,I end up frustrated and or I end up just walking off after asking him several times to please take the time to do this for both of us.Please help me if you can,with ways or ideas on how to work with him to do this.I love this man with everything I am,I've tried being understanding and done all I can think of to always look at things from his side to,even when he cheated and I was devastated ,I still looked at what could of been behind why,or what he was feeling that resulted in it.Yet I made the choice to try on over come it all.I'm fighting cancer on top of it all and I'm not sure how much longer I have the strength to work alone to fix this.It unfortunately emotionally is destroying me,Ive always been one to focus on the bright side of everything but at this point Im feeling that it would be easier to give into cancer and let us both off the hook.I once promised him I'd never give up on him or turn my back on him,and dont want to,but Im running out of ideas and the will power to make us both happy
    Kind regards TracyLee
    Your advice would be g

  19. Oh my gosh!!! Even though my marriage is stronger than its ever been, I see that I do a few of these things. I never considered it might make him feel “less than”. I will definitely be more aware of my actions in the future. Thank you.

  20. I can attest to this and my marriage is very rocky right now and the next step is counseling, but my issue with him is not letting me know what’s bothering him from me so that I know what to work on on my end.

  21. After being in relationship with him for 7 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by reffering him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster He also help me to win lottery, his email:

  22. My wife does all of these to me. When I try to tell her about how it hurts me she just downplays it and calls me over emotional

    • That is exactly what my wife does. She tells me I am being a child or to “man up”! Is she kidding me? She wants communication but only if it confirms her feelings. She is rude and disrespectful to me and behind my back with other people . It is called Pride!

  23. I think this article had really great information. However because of the sarcasm there wasn’t much of an explanation of the feelings that come from the action. I just wish there was less sarcasm and more explanation.

  24. I agree with everything you have outlined and most of the behavior pattern from a women in that way comes from being hurt and not having the strength anymore to make it work. It stems from the build up of events, fearing the unknown and disappointment. When you patience have run up. Women grow as fairytales because it’s what society gives. When you tired of being the strong one it all comes out as fire and both are hurting. How do you treat one with respect when you feel he is the reason for what you have become.

  25. Jane Ashley
    My life is back !!! After eight years of marriage, my husband left me with 3 kids. I felt that my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted you and after I explained my problem. In just three days, my husband came back to us and I and my children love and show apologize for all the pain you have to take the family. We solved our problems, and we are even happier than before’re the best caster Dr. Akim really appreciate the love spell that you cast for me to get the man I loved back my life I will continue sharing people’s testimonies about thanks to the good work, again Dr. Akim, if any problem you can contact with this man for help that is always there in his temple to help solve your problem contact Email is (aidamenbordgreat@yahoo.com) thanks for your time. .God Bless

  26. Hi. I came across this article because my husband mentioned it. Its a great perspective from the man’s point of view. I want to be a good wife, so I hope to improve from this.

    We are a young couple, 24. We’ve been together since we were 16, married at 21. We are at the point of resentment and cursing at each other. I did not invision my married life to be argument after argument.

    The nagging.

    I nag. My husband has complained about it. What should I do though if its bad? Like if I ask B (hubs) to take out the trash please, and days later (6 bags of trash on the porch) and its still not done, am I not supposed to ask again? When we first started living together, if I asked more than once for B to do something, he would state, ‘because you’ve nagged, I’m not going to do it.’ …. I try to be as sweet and politely ask, but its always a fuse to him. I’ve just started to not ask anything of him.

    Hold him responsible for my well being.

    I do this, I do. Should never look to him for my happiness? I do not understand how to balance this. Days I will focus on my happiness, I am accused of being selfish. If I focus on his happiness and I become strung out on the one-sided ness of it all, I’m left alone and unhappy. Lately, I’ve been feeling completely unappreciated. I am a stay at home mom to our two children, and B has no responsibilities at home. I do all the housework, all the child rearing, everything, besides go to work. I cannot remember the last time I was told I’m beautiful or I looked nice. That hurts my heart, that hurts my well being. I get told by strangers of my attractiveness more than he has. I tell him he’s handsome several times a week. He still is so handsome to me and it strikes me and I tell him. Every time he comes home from work, and I ask about his day, and he tells me his accomplishments, I praise him. I have asked him for appreciation. He has told me, ‘What should you be praised for?’ Our house is clean, always a warm dinner on the table, children are well adjusted … He tells me he doesn’t expect anything from me. He tells me I focus on the kids too much. They are a 24 hour job, I ask him what I’m supposed to do with them, to give him attention. We wake to leave before he goes to work 7am, they are put to bed when he comes home. 10pm. I am so tired by then, I fall asleep on their bedroom floor every night. I don’t know what to do. My parents are bad role models, I cannot look to them for advice. His parents are loving and affectionate and equals after 25 years of marriage.

    Complain about what I haven’t done.

    Some days I can’t get everything done. My husband comes home and will point it out, ‘why is there laundry on the bed’. And I give him an excuse, and complain about how the day/kids were chaotic and it didn’t get done. Should I hold my tongue? Should I be just nonchalant about the things that I was stressed about?

    Another problem B has told me, is that I tell him too much of my problems. He says I should tell my friends instead. I thought he is my best friend, the only person I can trust with my stresses and worries. Should I stop telling him these types of things? I don’t have any other confidants. Would it be better to hold it in instead?

    Please someone give me advice. I want to be a good wife. I want us to grow in love, and death do us part.

    • The bottom line here is you need counseling. You have only been married a few years, but you've been together a long time. Long enough for him to settle too much on the relationship and take advantage of you. He is de-valuing you by not hearing you. I certainly can't answer why in an email like this. There could be multiple reasons — probably on both sides. Some in how you communicate with each other and some on deeper understandings of how a marriage works best. If you get counseling now you can probably build a foundation for an incredible marriage for years. If you don't do something, my experience tells me you'll only continue to grow in frustration. These type things don't solve themselves, but a third party may be just what you need.  I should say he likely won't want this. May resist at first. He won't even see the need. But, you can ever share this with him. Writing him a letter might help, but you will do both of you well to convince him to do some counseling together with a good Christian counselor.  Praying for you. 

      • Ron, don't get offended by my comment, but I don't get it.

        Ron, I don't get why you say that a husband might resist ? Why should she need to write him a letter. Does this mean men/husbands are not Chirist like, when they can't admit their faults and resist help for their.marriages. What does this say about men ? It's kind of scary to read all these comments and rules about how exalted a man needs to feel. This is some scary doctrines

        • Jean from your numerous comments i would say we disagree on a lot. No offense here. I just say we leave it at that. My blog isn't designed to argue. Thanks so much. 

    • Also, you might read “For Women Only” and buy him “For Men Only”. Great books to better understand each other. They are by Shaunti Feldhan. 

      • Thank you, I will try to get both of those books. I will look to my church to see if they have any counseling. He doesn’t go to service with me, but maybe he might go to counseling there. Thank you again for your tips.

  27. I'M nuela from NYC, Please contact this vudoo priest who brought my husband home. He divorced me for another woman after several years of marriage. Leaving me a single mother of 2 Teen. I had a friend who has used this vudoo priest before in problems like this. Please this man spell made my husband come back after leaving for 8months. I am so happy to have this done here inthe US. the priest is in MD, I invited him over for visit since he was in Future Overlay, NY. after my husband came home .

  28. I and my husband met since we were in university lives. Now we are 27 years old. We are born in same year. In the past, I would like him to take care of me and respect me like other guys. But he didn't. I know he loves me so much. He is not interested in knowing how to show his love. We are arguing with each other most of our time. I also did many mistakes and things that he didn't like. When we quarrel, we said each other to hurt. I love him so much. I would like him to understand me and love me like before. I don't know how to do.Can u please advice me?

  29. Ron thanks for the blog and I can only identify with holding my husband responsible for my emotional well-being which may indeed be the worst one. I am aware about 50% the other time im not aware and truly either way hate the fact I do this to him. As much as I know I can’t expect him to make me happy at times I wish I could make him happy and he has withdrawn to the point he “does not care ” and divorce if I can’t stop controlling him with my emotions. Ron I’m trying! To be aware of my behavior and facial expressions. Actions are worth more than words so as a man what can I do to show him I’m happy. And I’m not holding him responsible?

  30. I am not happily married, but I am married. I keep reminding myself that, though my union on earth seems unfair, my union with Christ is even more so. I do nothing for Christ; He does everything for me. So, for His sake, I can live through anything, even a marriage that doesn't make me happy. Christ is more interested in my sanctification. I hope that that will come as I learn to love and respect the nan in my life.

    • Do you really believe that Christ Jesus, wants and intends for the woman to be hurt and keep her pain to herself?? No women, we are not to carry pain and hurt all through the marriage, while the husband keeps doing things to cause the wife to react and complain? The Jesus I know is loving and does not want husbands to put all the ugly stuff on their wives and she just keep her mouth closed all the time. You have the right to speak truth to him. No husband is perfect or infallible. Wives, stop worshipping your husbands and suffering everyday. This is not right. If he mistreats you then just walk away and stay out of his sight and take care of yourself and your children. When he's wants to talk to you, just keep your peace and when he asks why you are ignoring him, speak up and tell him that you're tired of his selfish ways and him hurting you. Husbands treat their dogs and their buddies with more respect.

      One thingI would like for the women who read here to know is that their husbands do the things in that list also. It is not a wife list only, it's just that men will not admit that they do this. Also wives sit back and read these articles and don't speak the truth about their husband doing the same things!!
      We women must standup against this unfairness. Don't you women know that if the husbands had to do all the tasks that their wives had to do, day in and day out, that the husbands would be the ones nagging and complaining. Wives, please be strong and please speak up!!

  31. I am guilty of most of what you said. Yet I am that way because of either what he does or doesn’t do. He knows how I feel because we have talked about hurting each other time and again … But he probably thinks I am the only one who hurts him. I have reached a point where I know talking is pointless because it all comes back to me, so I just cry when he is not around until I find that strength to carry on again. But I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. My marriage looks perfect and I probably should not have anything to complain, but the little things bother me so much they make me feel he does not care about what I say, do, thing. Your article seems to suggest that I keep my hurts to myself (as I have been doing) and leave him be. It makes him think everything is fine and we have no conflict. But I am dying inside.

    • You are not alone I feel exactly the same way. He tells me I contol him with my emotions and in some cases it show in my face that I’m not happy when he withdrawals. I want to just be happy and want my husband tone happy again with me. I’m right here with you waterworks!

  32. I dont even know if im wounded but i wish one of us could just die – coming here to this house or trying to be in one room more than 10 minutes is unbearable

    • @ Waterworks I don’t think he meant this article that way at all. He is telling what not to do of we want to be in a good marriage.
      If either of you is hurting the other, then you are probably both responding to some thing the other has done. Work on showing an attitude of gratefulness for the blessings in your life and pray for God to HELP YOU change. pray GOOD prayers for your husband and the dynamic in your relationship will change. Mine did. I didn’t tell God what was wrong with my husband but that He would help me to be the wife He DESIGNED me to be. When I began to show joy and appreciate my husband and life from a heart of obedience to God, my entire life, every area began to change.
      You can’t ask a man or anyone else to live to make you happy only God can do that.

  33. I make allowances for my lady. I sometimes kid her about me needing to find her "bitch switch" to turn it off. Normally I do not get too angry as I figure it is the result of menopause but sometimes I do get hurt and then I shut down.

  34. Rip25, in all of your posts you say “if he does what he is asked to do”. What about what you dont do, what if he feels like a slave to you. Because the way im taking what you are saying is its up to him to prevent nagging. Sounds like a guy walking around with a ball and chain.

    • Shawn.
      Guess what Shawn?? Men nag too. You all just whisper and mumble under your breath as you all walk away and hide in the garage like a pouty child. Need examples? I can't understand why women won't speak up and tell about how their husbands nag them.
      It's not just women. It's probably more noticeable that women fuss a lot, because women are the ones left with the abundance of household chores while these lazy behind husbands expect for them to pick up after them, really men? Do you all really expect for your wife to knock herself out taking care of her children, the house and your grown capable behind?
      Then, as soon as the wife says something about how she is tired of picking up after him and the other children :) , then some anti woman decides to write an article about women nagging men.
      When did some people in this country become so stupid?

      • Jean everything you write is attacking men while saying that the article is attacking women. You place the blame on men instead of on both parties. You have generalized all men into one category. I am a man and have feelings that are hurt constantly by my wife drinking and driving our infant son around, buy her looking for her exes, by her never asking how I’m feeling, by her treating me like I do nothing even after I completely cleaned the kitchen after making my coffee before I go spend all day at work and then because I’m a chef I come home and cook dinner. Her disabled parents live with us and because they can’t afford enough for to last them a month we spend several hundred dollars of OUR paycheck ( yes OUR because while at work she keeps the house clean and our child cared for…. Well when she isn’t drinking. ) to feed them too. But she treats me like and says I do nothing because she is in a bad mood. I tell her to get a job and I will start home and take care of the home and our family, but all I hear then it’s some nonsense about her not deserving to be a stay at home mother. On top of everything nearly every day I come home from work I tell her how nice she keeps our home and how beautiful her hair or dress or eyes look. Yet I do nothing. I don’t expect her to way my clothes and when I get home she does all the laundry but mine. I don’t complain I just throw my clothes in the laundry when necessary. Yes I tell her that she works harder than I do because while I’m at work she cares for our son and her parents. If I ask her why she treats me that way and makes the snide remarks that she does she says if i spent more time at home I would understand. She doesn’t want to switch places, she doesn’t want us both to work and she doesn’t want to be homeless? I love her but am seriously hurt that I’m treated this way and left to suffer on my own. My question for you is should I just generalize all women into one big man hating category because of the way she treats me? Do I do things that upset her? Of course, sometimes I have bad days too. I’m only human just like her. I need my feelings tended to as well, yet when I’m hurt she gets mad at me. Should I just figure that because she is a woman she is emotionally cruel and completely unaffected by anything I’m going through? I think not, no I should take the initiative and look for articles like this to help her have an understanding of what I’m going through with her while at the same time reading about what she is going through, like I am. You are right a man can’t tell a woman how she feels, but a man ( like the one that wrote this article) can tell women how many men feel. This is an article that people read for one of two reasons, to try and help save their relationship or to find a worldwide way to point the finger at someone else, like you have. The writer is a man so if you didn’t want to read a man’s opinion then you should have moved on. This is to help a failing relationship, who better than a man to write about what a woman does to hurt a man. Clearly you have between in some bad relationships with men and for that I’m sorry we are not all the same just like I’m sure you aren’t like my wife and my wife isn’t like you. A woman can’t tell a man how he feels either don’t you think. I can understand becoming jaded in your view of some men but to generalize us all into one feeling less category is you being sexist which women rightfully fought against. You should have respect for those of us that are at least trying to make our relationships work and happy that there are men out there willing to not only read but write articles such as this. This article is just like all the articles written by women telling men what they need to understand about how a man hurts a woman’s feelings, it’s just telling women that men have feelings that they hurt as well. I hope one day if you want it you can find a man that is willing to work towards reading and discussing articles such as this. As the author stated he spoke with his wife about all of these things before writing them.

        • And you are writing an attack at me. So you are just as guilty. You wrote all that proganda at women? Why aren't you replying to these hateful men commenters. You are being just as sexist as anyone else here.
          It amazes me how stupid some men can be to think that they do not do the same things to their wives. Are you clueless or what ?
          Sfs, Just because you are hurt or hate women does not give you the right to attack all women. You can move on too, if you don't want to read what women have to say. You dont have to be here, But you sfs, don't own the Internet and cannot tell women where they should read. You men take your fast behinds to women websites and are ALWAYS butting in. Double standard much?? So deal with it!!

          I realize your weak strategy is to offend me and other women, but doesn't work.. Your typical man remark about women who have an opinion, as " being hurt from bad relationships" and " hope you will find a good man", are such typical man-made tired worn out statements that you men write. So pathetic.

          This doesn't hurt or scare us, for you to say that. Sorry you have been rejected and hurt by some women and are now being hurt by a woman. But all women are not the same and you cannot paint us with a broad.

  35. Only negative comments are coming from women sounds like! Or the feminine homosexual men. Great article! Listen up girls! This will keep your men out of the mistress, and the lawyers out of you!!

  36. I did all seven of these to my husband and we were headed for divorce. I got eight months of counseling and our relationship couldn’t be better! I love this article. So true

  37. Well it would be much appreciated if u make it clear at the beginning of this article itself that this article is applicable on perfect husbands.. who are perfect is every way, do the best for their family and are the best with their wives and still their wives hurt them sometimes knowingly or unknowingly.. Coz all the above can't be applicable to husbands who never care about their wives feelings, never stand by her and never respect her.. in such a case how can a husband even expect his wife to behave well with him!!!
    So please make that clear, otherwise all the stuff you wrote can be pretty misleading

    • Perfect husbands?? No such thing. Youre obviously a bitter divorce’. Listen to this great article for your 5th marriage. U wont obviously on your first several so youll be divorced alot. Great article!

  38. It’s sad that I didn’t read something like this ,years past, when it mattered. Now, I can find solace in the fact that my predicament was not so unusual.

  39. This post helped me to see things from my husbands perspective and made me realize how I’ve been treating him. Thank you so much!

  40. My question would be, is he doing it wrong? Or is he just not doing it your way? Because there is a difference. Ask yourself if it makes a difference. I would say the authors point is to appreciate the effort, not correct the perceived wrong.

    • This is a tired old sentence, that frankly, I am tired of hearing and reading. It's the one about not complain about the way husband does things and is it wrong or is it just the wife wanting him to do it her way.

      Well people, well men, let this woman finally get you all straight on this:
      1) If a husband puts the one year old baby's diaper on and it's coming off as the baby is walking around, and having a bowel movement, just exactly what is she supposed to do, say oh honey, the baby's diaper is perfect just so the wife lets him do it his way.
      2) If the husband insists on combing the little daughter's hair for school and hurts her head and the fastens the hair bow on too tightly and the daughter cones running to mom to fix it. You all want the daughter to be upset and in pain, just do you all can say let him do it his way?
      3) If the husband prepared a dish fior guests who are arriving soon, and it is not a little salty, but much too salty. and the wife knows how to get that salty taste dissolved. But you all say let him do it his way?
      4) Husband wants to do the laundry and when he opens the machine as water flows into a load where some valuable clothing is bleeding on other items. Should the wife hush and say nothing just so he does it his way?

      How far do you people take this crap about letting a husband do things his way? Heck, if he is unable to do some things, he just is unable. If the wife was trying to wax the car and she was making a mess, would you men say to let her do it her way and you drive to work with dried, unbuffed wax on a navy blue car.? No, the man would immediately go and redo the wax job.
      Or is it just men who can never be chided. Wow, if this is what men are all about, then women need to run. There us too much scolding of women and too many rules that are throw at women. Marriage is not comfortable for women. Men have made a mockery of it. Is it fair that the wife has to do all the housework, childcare, told to adjust her body and looks, give birth and strain her bodies, told to let her man lead everything, even into female space, and on top of that, told to let him do everything, his way, even if he tears the house down.
      Now you men cannot really expect for women to go sling with this crap!
      Somebody please tell me that men are really aliens and that's why they have ridiculous expectations of women.

      • Well as soon as you learn to mow the lawn and change the oil on your own car or fix the printer on the computer that you jammed for the fifth time, or learn how to hook up the surround sound or hang a shelf…. And appreciate what we do do instead of focusing on everything that we do wrong, maybe we would start to give a crap about how you feel on the subject.

        • Earl, as soon as you learn how to make the beds, cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and give birth………
          As soon as you appreciate what women instead of focusing on some nit picking mess about what a woman does wrong. Then maybe you will see women give a hoot about you changing a tire or some crap like that.

  41. I am kind of on the fence about this article. While I feel that it does give a lot of great insight to how I could be hurting my husbands ego, there are a few questionable points in there.

    Like how we shouldn’t go and fix something after our husband just tried. Well maybe if it was done right in the first place we wouldn’t have to go behind them? Do you recommend a nice way of saying that to a spouse?!

    Also, it says we need to nag less. Have you ever thought there was a good reason for our nagging? Women will agree that most will come home and just throw their belongings over the entire house and just expect us to clean it up without as much as a thank you.

    I am definitely trying to be sympathetic to the article but it is quite hard when points are so easily answered..

  42. After 7 years of constant nagging about not helping around the house and what not I finally got fedup with all that. Now Im doing all the dishes, making every meal, cleaning every washing cycle and you know what I found out? She is even MORE needy now! I started doing all those things so she would get off my back, but now she has more time on her hands and she wants to spend it with me more, which wasnt my primary goal of the experiment. Now im seriously planning on how to dump her in the next few weeks when i get my stuff out of the house. Blowjobs are nice, but really not worth my freedom. Women think that every second that you spend together has to be around “her” or “us”, but when is there time for “him”? When we ask for such time it gets belitled and disregarded as unimportant…

  43. it always bothers me when men bring up the whole badger/nag issue. Personally if men were helping out around the house and actually doing the things their wives want them to do or asks him to do then she wouldn't have a reason to badger/nag. If you think she is the only one who has to do that then just tell her to stop being so lazy and do her job.The only job you feel she is capable of doing. Fact is men make messes and therefore should be willing to help clean them up and do his part in the up keep of the home. He should do it in an actual timely manner. Not when the rain comes and the wife is putting pans all over the house to catch the water. Or the walls have so much mildew that the kids are developing athsma. Or the trash has built up to the point that you cannot get around the house. Or the dishes have built up to the point of no return. Or the clothes are strewn around the house. Sorry but I hear men brag about how they take their clothes of and drop them where he stands and his wife must then follow behind him picking up after him and the kids. Because lets face if if dad doesn't respect mom enough not to treat her as a slave the kids will not respect her either. Dad is in fact the example to the kids as how to treat the wife/mom. Most do not care enough and actually disrespect women way more than women can ever respect men. This is shown in the single world also where men just bed one woman after another and discard them as soon as he is done with her and the things they say is so full of flat out disrespect that it is completely destructive. If men are to be the leaders of women and they want to be treated better then isn't it high time they actually took that responsibility back and started being better men/husbands/fathers/boyfriends/brothers/sons. ect.

    • Congratulations on missing the point of the article entirely, you dumb twat. It was meant to provide insight, not to assign blame. But, by all means, keep trashing men in general and ignoring the help the author is trying to give you.

      • Calling me a dumb twat is precisely the reason I do not worship the ground you perfect men think you walk on. I did not at al miss any point. I in fact got the point clearly. The fact remains is that when women supposedly badger/nag it is primarily because the guy in question has yet to do what was asked of him and what he claimed he would in fact do. Because the moment you actually do something then what can she nag about. The job in question was done in a timely manner and she did not have to remind you or bring up the fact that the job wasn't done in the first place. You are exactly the reason so many women have issues with your supposed perfect sex. You are the exact reason women have a hard time respecting your perfect sex.. You are the exact reason women find it hard to submit to your perfect sex. But go ahead and pretend you are perfect in every way. I said nothing about assigning blame. I simply stated an opinion on the way to get us worthless, inferior, insignificant, flawed women to stop nagging your perfect superior butt.

      • Jeff, if you don't have sense enough to write comments without calling women names, then you need to find a site that is designed for ugly and rude men who can't respect women.
        Sorry, to tell you, but this world is revolving and evolving and things constantly change. That means that you are no longer a cave man who can beat a woman over the head with a club and drag her back to the cave. Wake up and see how some other men behave. You give men a bad name.

    • It’s obvious that you have been hurt by a boyfriend/husband/son etc

      And I don’t think that you should through all men into the same category as you did.
      Not all men are like that just like not all women dont nag.

      • Did I say ALL no I did not. Yet this article and you believe that ALL women are horrible nags. Do me a favor. Try to make yourself the perfect being you think you in fact are. I stand by my opinion no matter how much you ignore it and choose not to read and comprehend what I was saying. Simply because I wasn't born with a dick. If your wife badgers/nags you then you did not do what was expected of you. If you do not do your part in the upkeep of the house then you do not value it as your job and feel as if it is your inferior wifes job. I don't date nor am I married. I don't have kids and if I did my son would be raised to realize that if he can create the mess then he can clean the mess and his mom is not his slave. He will understand what a timely manner means and not procrastinate on things simply because he feels it isn't his job. I don't date because I realize that if I am going to be the only person cleaning up the house then I should be the only one making the mess.No need to work hard to get a weak joke of a love life that only benefits the perfect male sex. Once your entire sex proves you are the greatest thin walking upright then I will start to listen to you but 100% of you best be God Like Perfect.

        • So you are not married nor in a relationship nor a mother but you’re trying to provide some kind of insight?! You suck lady and quite frankly are way too arrogant for you’re own good. Perhaps there is a reason you are alone in the relationship department. Lol oh wow

          • I am not arrogant by any means. The reason I am alone is because men only cause pain and suffering and they do not benefit women in any way shape or form. Men only want women to be his slave and do his bidding and most of you could care less about any and all women in your lives. You only care at all about women they are just objects that you use. No better than the toilet. You treat your belongings better than you treat your women.

        • If you are not married are or even trying to date or no plans to marry, why did you read the article? The whole point is to show that the little things you do in a relationship can have a big effect on your partner. My only suggestion is to reread the article stop wait til you not angry or annoyed read it again wait again then read it a third time

          • Being a woman with an opinion doesn't make me stupid by any means. I do not have to read an article 3 times to figure it out. I read it just fine the first time. I made a statement on one part of the article. One. Not the whole thing. Just one part. Maybe instead of insinuating that I am stupid you should read my comment and comprehend what I said.

          • Some of you men need to stop asking women why they came to a website or why they read an article? They read because it is their right to read anywhere they please. Are you the article police?

            Some of you men are pathetic and have such fragile egos and expectations. You all actually expect for women to exalt you all. How ridiculous!!

            This is some of the reason why women are getting angry over these articles. These "exalt the husband, inspire of all his sins", is too much! These articles are ridiculous and outrageous. If any of you men could stop for just one minute, leave off the name calling, and learn how to carry on adult conversation to try to get solutions to these problems, then maybe men can get some understanding and realize that they need to follow the same guidelines, that are expected of women. .

            Oh, I forgot, some men have such fragile egos and want their wives to exalt them and pretend they are perfect me and don't cause their wives pain and suffering. Oh yeah, I forget, the wife is not to have an opinion. Oh yeah, I forget, the husband is never to show his wife appreciation for all the things she does, day I and day out, oh yeah, that's right, husbands don't put their wives down infeon

    • Girl, I’m with you on the nagging issue. I just don’t understand…I try to have grace but the issue then gets ignored, and I’m running low on patience there.

      I dont believe you missed the point of the article because you have a response to one point. Thanks for sharing. 😉

    • It surprises me how you can say most men, really you’ve met most men? Once again women hurt men to, men hurt women, it takes two and those that have been in numerous relationship with men such as you describe should probably look for DIFFERENT types of men. Did it ever occur to you that some women nag and nag and nag when there is truly no reason for it? You hear men brag about their wives having to follow begging them? Then look for a different kind of man. God. Some women do nothing but sleep around, does that mean you do? Some men were raised in a home with a dad that was a disrespectful cruel husband and choose not to be that. No man or woman can say they have never hurt their significant other, but does that mean no one should ever be with anyone because at some point someone hurt someone else’s feelings. Why not write helpful things?

      • sfs
        You and other men paint women with a "broad brush", just like women do to men. You all ar no better than us. Face facts.

    • Why are you on her then? You have no insight at all. Sounds like you are alone because of your man hating attitude. Enjoy your life with your 10 cats.

      • See how ugly you are. I don't ask why you are her, is it that you are one of those males, who think all women should just stay hidden in a cave or something? You are a sad representative for men. I'm sorry women have rejected you. We are sorry you are by yourself and are anti woman. We are sad for you.

      • It is your insulting attitude which is why I CHOOSE to stay alone. Why should I be with a man whose primary purpose in life is to belittle and insult and mistreat the women in his life? Cats treat you better than men and if I had to choose I would get a dog instead. I have a lot of insight because I am observant in the relationships and attitudes of others. I listen to how they speak and see how they treat each other. I stand by my view if men did in fact help around the house instead of sitting on his rear end and making messes women would not have anything to nag about and then on top of that you would actually majically get appreciated for what you do by her.

  44. Well I for one would like to congratulate you on trying to help…I think everything you have pointed out here is absolutely true…I am a women even though it says Daniel…he is my soul mate…I read this because I want to be the best partner/wife I can be and the last thing I want to do is make my man unhappy…life is a learning curve and so are relationships…if people take offence it is more likely that they may be guilty of some of the above…I always try to compliment my man…I acknowledge everything he does and tell him what a great job he does because he does try hard at everything he does and he usually does it well…I thank him for going to work…I don't work at the moment due to illness and I am grateful he provides especially as he works away … which at times can be hard on us….things don't happen in a hurry here for many reasons and sometimes that weighs on me and there are so many things I find difficult to do now that, that weighs on me too as I have to wait for Dan to return home to do it…I love that you try to help people for we all need a little help now and then whether we want to admit it or not…thank you for taking the time to share…I for one thought it was worth it. God Bless you. :)

  45. Very relevant points given in the article. It is subtle, yet pervasive, in my marriage. I am constantly reminded of how all of the issues with our marriage are a direct cause of my actions. Any good deed I do is always meet with a way to make it better or outright scorn for not doing it the “correct” way. She has a terrible relationship with her father and is now subtlety indoctrinating our children with the belief that their father is a buffoon. It always boils down to something I said or failed to say, or, something I did or failed to do–it is a no-win situation for me. I have tried many, many times to say how I feel, but am always meet with, “how dare you say that!”. I have tried many different methods of communication; all with the same result of how terrible and hurtful I am.

    When we have actually sought out professional help, she always chuckles and shrugs when her shortcomings are brought to the surface, but every issue of mine she jumps all over and berates me for when we’re alone.

    I am completely defeated and resigned. When I am upset with her, I have learned to bury it and deny it. I tell her as genuinely as I can that all is well, because if I voice any complaint, I will, once again, be berated and chastised.

    I no longer dance (which I used to love doing) because I don’t dance “good enough”. I no longer sing because, apparently, since I got married I can’t hold a tune.

    And even though she is reserved and generally quiet, most often a cutting remark will eventually be made in most social gatherings.

    I could go on…

    Thanks for letting me vent.

    • This is my birthday weekend and we went to the gym together. A couple of my buddies were there and she told them it was my birthday. She then jokingly told them I hadn’t had my spankings yet. She then went on to say that they could do it while I wore her bra and panties because I like to dress up in them or a French maid outfit. WTF … When we were alone I told her that I felt very disrespected and that I told her that was enough as she just kept going on about it and she had just kept on thinking it was funny. I didn’t think she did it intentionally to hurt me but instead of “manning up” herself and apologizing or trying to look at it from my point of view, she said that she was only joking and that I was being way too sensitive. That really pissed me off because o didn’t get mad, I told her how I felt ( like I’m supposed to) and she just totally dismissed my feelings. I told her inwasnoitnofntjere and left since we had come in separate cars. Later that day she got mad and said I was acting like a child and just ran away. I found out later she talked to my friends and told them that I got my feelings hurt and left. More disrespect!!! Now she is calling me homophobic…what, because I don’t like my wife trying to embarrass and humiliate me in front of my friends. You don’t joke at your spouses expense! Now she is not talking to me… Am I wrong here?

    • He never said they couldn’t. Quit trying to “make it about you”. Take the advice and apply it. Sheesh. A guy tries to help relationships and the first thing you do is try to start an argument over why he is wrong.

  46. Ron,

    I appreciate this article and even can understand why you’d want to make it light hearted and take a sarcastic tone, however, I am still left feeling confused and hurt myself. These things you cited are common misunderstandings and sources of contempt in marriage or relationships but what exactly do you suggest women do instead of these things? What constructive ideas can you suggest to women for actually communicating their wants, needs, desires etc. without offending the fragile ego of her man (as you so put in your suckle)? Can you do so in a way that does not passive aggressively spew contempt for the people you are supposedly trying to help?

    • Article* not suckle


      I appreciate this article and even can understand why you’d want to make it light hearted and take a sarcastic tone, however, I am still left feeling confused and hurt myself. These things you cited are common misunderstandings and sources of contempt in marriage or relationships but what exactly do you suggest women do instead of these things? What constructive ideas can you suggest to women for actually communicating their wants, needs, desires etc. without offending the fragile ego of her man (as you so put in your suckle)? Can you do so in a way that does not passive aggressively spew contempt for the people you are supposedly trying to help?

    • lady, the way you worded that is a sign you’re on the right track. tact and genuine constructive criticism (as opposed to most of the comments above) are the two things a man needs most. we all know we screw up, but most of us don’t know how to handle being yelled at or talked down to without getting downright belligerent.

  47. thank you for posting this. We have been married almost 32 years and yet I still need to be reminded of these things. I am guilty of 4 of these. I could easily say it is because I am also injured but I am not responsible for his actions, only my reactions.
    Once again, i say thank you

  48. is there such a thing as husband abuse??..my wife treats me as an outsider in my own house.. She has even gone to the extent of turning my kids against me.If I try to discipline my kids she is always against me and makes her point of front of the kids…so again I’m the bad one….she is always on her phone chatting to people I don’t know for long hours.. But always trying to check up on me..I can’t take the loneliness any more… Am I doing something wrong?

  49. think this is well written and am sure there are many other ways we unintentionally wound each other. Wondering if you’ve ever written on the Christian view of abuse in marriage? If so where to find the article?

  50. As a wife, I agree and am thankful for this article to help me understand not only how my husband works but how my words can effect him. Men don’t often react or show hurt the way we do so we don’t realize we can effect them at all. However, the wording of most of the points you made we delivered with sarcasm without any explanation of how this effects the husband or helpful advise. It sounded bitter and badgering so no wonder you thought many women would be offended. We were but not due to the content which I embraced but because you delivered it in a sarcastic and accusatory manner as if you intended it to be. If you had written a counter article on how men hurt their wives, I’d be willing to bet you did some of those very things in this one. Keep in mind that the only women reading this article are the ones who purposefully clicked on it to begin with the heart of a woman who desires to understand her husband and be a better wife to him.

  51. This blog is very helpful. My wife has always hurt me even after I told her many many times how much she hurts me, she doesn’t seem to care, don’t know she’s hurting me or maybe because I don’t cry. I don’t know

    My wife and I had separated so we can resolve our problems, the separation was for 3 months. Comes to find out my wife is pregnant, even though we had tons of sex she claimes it’s mine. She had went to the pregnancy center where they said she’s 10 weeks but we just got back together 7 weeks ago. Now I don’t think our marriage can be fix and I’m just crushed. I also have a daughter that is soon going to be crushed as well after she finds out about her parents getting a divorced. I’m just so lost and hurt at this moment.

  52. So I read this blog and I found it to be very helpful. But I have one question about the one where the wife has a bad mood with the husband because she’s having a bad day. My question here is, what if the wife is having a wonderful day and very happy then the husband says something offensive and then there is an argument over the smallest issue? Unfortunately this happens more than it should. I’m hurt and tired of crying. I try so hard to change myself for him. I’m not perfect no. I know I hurt him when I don’t mean to and I am trying to recognize this everyday. But at times I feel as though the more I try to change for his benefit he has more control over me. What do I do? I’m so lost.

    • Wow that is exactly how I feel about my husband. I try to explain that his demeanor and how he talks to me affects how I react because I now feel demeaned and attacked if he says something like “are you kidding? You really don’t understand that?” Or ” just stop taking your just making it worse” those things don’t feel good … At all… And I also feel the more I try to be aware the more he will just keep taking. Is it just our fear or actually happening? Argh

      • Thank you so much for what you wrote. When my wife and I fight I have had to walk away because things just get worse if we try to talk. I am definitely guilty of talking her to quit talking to me cause it’s just making things worse. That’s why I read these articles and the comments

  53. GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, that;s me and sometimes I say eh deserves it. From day one of our friendship, my husband LIED his way into my heart. Long before I grew I love with him, and after sharing with him how I was raised by my wonderful awesome dad and my mother , he LIED to me that he was raised with the same morals, values and principles as I was, only that he had fallen away from then as he grew older and mixed more with friends. All along he was lying. He also told me that he was the only one in the family that had a divorce and about two years later, he confessed to me that his mother and father divorced before he was born, and that his mother gave him to his grand parents to be raised. Therefore, the people he told me was his parents who raised him, had now become his GRANDPARENTS! tHE NUMBER 1 LIE was; I realized that he was losing hair at the hairline and questioned him about it (this was long before I grew in love with him) and he said running his hand through his hair – "no, no, I just lost a bit from the front and I went and had it checked by a professional and they did not find anything wrong with me." I told him maybe it was stress – and joked about him eventually going bald since his brother (who is actually his uncle) had lost all his hair from front to back and was bald! No offence to men who have lost their hair – but I told my then friend that I was not attracted to bald men, never dated one, will not date or marry one – that I love hair. All along, my then friend knew that he was bald in the top and back of his head, and that his real father had male-pattern baldness. He also lied to em that the never watch porn or look at women while walking the streets since it is disrespectful to women and against his religion. He told me that he usually lower his head and that is why they referred to him the PRIEST! aLL ALONG, HE WAS LYING TO WIN MY HEART, which he did after several days, nights and hours of talking an sharing together about things of life, love, relationships, marriage and family. We shred more than I have ever shared with another person in my lifetime – 5 years of sharing, hundreds of emails, poems, ecards and I can go on, and on, and on. I was not keen on the distance, and since we were of different religions, and he being older than me, I was not sure about this relationship – but eventually fell in love with him and decided to visit his country. First thing I realize when meeting him was that he was almost completely BALD, and I felt like getting on the next available flight and returned home. However, I decided to get to know him better and spent 1 month with him. Next, I saw what look liek pron on his computer ad to my surprise afte asking him, "do you watch pron"? and he asked, "what do you mean." I replied, "do you look at naked girls online?" and he replied in shame, Yes. I almost threw-up all over him – I felt so sick in my stomach that this mah dragged me over 9000 miles to tell me this. Next, as we walked hand in hand, he steered at most of the young women that we met, and once we was in a coffee shop and sh the girl server us and walked away, he turned around and look at down her butt. As she returned the second time to serve us and walked away, he AGAIN turned around and look back at her butt. I got up and walked out and he followed me and we argued about it. He claimed that he did not realized that he was doing this. I can go on, and on, and on – but to make a long story short, our relationship lasted 5 years and 3 months and we are still fighting about his lies. I know that I am to blame fro sticking with him – I do not believe in divorce; I was raised in a Christian home with great morals and principles and I do not know how to let go loving him. Now, I tell him off since I am so mad that he lied his way into my life and if he had told me the truth from day one, I would have never had to endure 5 painful years and wasted my youth way. I am upset that our marriage was based on him lying his way into my heart and I let him have it when I know that he is lying. Afterwards, I say I am sorry and th etells me that he deserves it. I know that I have to end this relationship, and I wish I Knew how. Each time I say I am finish, we end up talking once more. This id 5 years and still we are miles apart due to his LIES!

    • Meesa, my heart breaks for you. Being tricked into a marriage is not right. I fesr for any children you will have with this man so please protect them as well as yourself by leaving & divorcing. There are more & more damaging secrets & patterns this man has likely hidden from you that will destroy any children & you. My prayers are with you.

    • Meesa, my heart breaks for you. Being tricked into a marriage is not right. I fear for any children you will have with this man so please protect them as well as yourself by leaving & divorcing. There are more & more damaging secrets & patterns this man has likely hidden from you that will destroy any children & you. My prayers are with you.

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  55. I knew a woman for almost twenty years, as we grew up together in the same church, and we got into a relationship that was what I wanted and waited for from the moment I met her. We had known each other for almost 17 years at the time. I was in my mid twenties and she just entering her thirties (she was the friend older sister). We talked about being together and were planing on marriage.
    She was everything I ever wanted in a wife and she would tell me that I fit the bill for her as well. While that was going on she would also do everything on this list in ways that made me fill less and less like a man, sapping me of any confidence that once had. I found out (two years after) that most of the people in our circle knew that she was also sleeping with a mutual friend behind my back, while she was refusing to even kiss me at one point. From what I knew, we were really going to wait for our wedding night for sex, but I was the only one holding up that end of the promise.
    She had friends and relatives with children that would also make sure that they used her love and want of children to keep her away from me (they were trashy cousins and were the manipulative type), because I was going to give her her own, and they would have to parent of their own children. They would interfere with our dates and would poison the well as much as they could and would make sure that she was wiped out when she did get away. She would also do these seven things and her friends do them too.
    She left me for the guy that she was sleeping with behind my back, in my home, and in my bed. He would come over to "watch movies" and to do work around the house when she was at the house for the day, when I would be working in mornings. He would beat her and she still would not come back. It would seem like an obvious to just forget about it, and I am talking about here only to point out that these things will not only destroy a man, but they will destroy a man in a woman's mind to the point to were she will run to the arms of another man, even one that mistreats her.
    I was waiting to have sex ( and still am) and was in my mid twenties and I am still the guy that loses the girl to some guy that has confidence, backbone, and something that I do not know how to get, learn, or if I ever had.
    I here all of the time what men do to hurt women, but this is one of the only times I have had anyone talk about the things women do to tare men apart.
    I wish I knew how to solve the problem, because being single sucks and the field seems to be getting filled with women that are injured and looking for me to fix their lives for them and sometimes for their kids too.

  56. If my wife did every one of these items, I would still love her without reservation as she has so many great qualities that these few things can be accepted and overlooked. I have a few bad traits also that I expect her to overlook, so that makes us even !!

  57. Wow. I never knew, I was injuring my husband with some of these things. I see that I am guilty of all of these. God, Forgive me.
    I am also going to ask my husband for forgiveness tonight. And I vow to make it practice to stop this!
    Thank you for the eye opening blog post.

  58. This goes for men and women equally, as I have seen this occur from men toward women very much. Marriage is not about keeping scores, but showing kindness appreciation even when we are tired or irritated. Love is about patience and humbleness, earnest conversation about needs that is constructive rather than an assignment of blame. Men and women, humble yourselves to ask forgiveness for your shortcomings, and share where you have felt hurt in a way that does not look at where your spouse falls short, but asks them to consider your feelings in ways that may not have been clear. Pray together. Can you be angry with one another when you realize how undeserving of the love of God we are?

  59. Thanks for that post. I have to say I’m guilty of some of it to points but my question to them are. How do I talk to him to where he hears what’s I’m saying and what makes me think those things when I’m feeling them have to with the now and not something from the past. I believe communication is a key factor in a successful marriage so how do I get that back.

  60. Wow, a lot of this your right about, I mean, you don’t realize you hurt him. I’m ashamed to say I do most of this, but it’s nice to see the reasons that this does hurt him and it helps you be more conscious of it to better your marriage. I’ll gladly take this advice. I really needed this right now. Thank you for posting

  61. The information you posted seemed appropriate for BOTH men and women. I can imagine how hurtful each of those 7 behaviors could be to a husband or a wife. I appreciate the information and would also appreciate ideas for alternate/ less hurtful and more effective actions for those 7 situations where those hurtful behaviors are used.

  62. http://www.charismamag.com/life/men/19635-7-ways-
    possibly off topic, not sure, but did someone change something between your site and the one I linked to or was it edited? Just wondering because I first read the one I linked to and although I understood, being pretty fluent in sarcasm, I still was upset over how it was worded since sarcasm is just “The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.” Contempt is the last thing any woman needs who is looking at something to try and make a possibly difficult situation better.

  63. It's a little sad to see so many comments from women starting out with, "Yeah, I'm guilty of these…" and then devolving into a list of excuses why their husband is the cause of their bad behavior. YOU are responsible for your own behavior, your own decisions (obviously this goes for both husbands and wives!). God hasn't called us to do right only when our sweetie is fulfilling our every wish. We each need to exemplify Christ even when – ESPECIALLY when – circumstances are trying, as with a spouse who isn't holding up his/her end of the bargain.

    If you exhibit these behaviors, stop making excuses and start praying for strength to change. If you don't you're exacerbating the problem instead of working towards a solution. Fellas, that goes for us, too.

  64. There is an excellent book (7 Things He'll Never Tell You: . . . But You Need to Know by Kevin Leman) that addresses so many of this article's points but in more detail, addressing the woman's perspective as well as the man's. By pinpointing a man's greatest needs (to be respected, to be needed, to be fulfilled) and a woman's greatest needs (affection, honest, open communication, and commitment to family), Leman describes how each mate can help fulfill each others' needs without injury. It's been so enlightening to me to find out that when my man shuts down or withdraws, it's not because he doesn't care, but it's because he feels like he's failed in this area that's really important to him (like meeting my needs or desires). It's also been really helpful in learning how to effectively love the other person like he best receives love, as well as learning how to encourage, and draw boundaries that lead to change. So glad to read this article and I don't think it's unfair in giving the man's perspective, it's just only focusing on one side of the story and certainly loving husbands will want to be aware of how to avoid injuring their wives.

  65. I agree with everything you have said in this blog. However I strongly feel is goes both ways. Marriage is a 2 way street. I believe a husband does these very 7 things to the wife at times too. I have seen it many times.

  66. I am guilty of everyone of these. So hard sometimes.I have been with him through a drug addiction and him talking to a woman behind my back. Sometimes I just wanted to hurt him the way he hurt m and I guess words were my only way.

    • Beth I hear you. My ex is an alcoholic. Those wounds are way way different than most relationships. Those cut to sense of self worth abuse to the point of extreme loneliness and he caused a ton of it. He then wants you and blames you for all the abuse and takes none of it for himself. Is it ok well no but be kind to yourself all the abuse you are receiving is detrimental to you.

  67. Being married 18yrs to a wounded woman with children has made me not so willing to be married never could get her to trust me even after raising two daughters that grew to not receive my affection because of mistrust and abuse from her recent relationship has made my life hard people don’t talk about abuse that often, I am not perfect but I’ve seen the worse in relationships and always tried to keep positive outlook regardless of the haters who didn’t want to see my success ,we are still trying day by day to find what we lost because she knows I’m a good guy she stays around, but I’ve lost all the desire and can’t find any , got counseling from the church pastor to separate, but still together,don’t think I’ll find it even after having our new baby of 4 yrs we love the baby but nothing else is there any more I’ve been desiring other women over the last few years.

  68. This is an awesome post. I’m bookmarking it so I can read it and keep these things in mind.
    I strive to make my husband’s life a good one. He has been so good to me and I want to be good to him.
    Thank you for your insight to the male mind. And for this post. I wasn’t offended at all. Any woman that truly loves her husband should want to improve herself for him.

  69. This was REALLY convicting and breaking…also made me see just how blessed I really am after reading some of the women's comments. Not saying, "Thank God my life's not like theirs," but rather it's made me really ashamed that I'm not loving my husband better. We have our issues but he is the most undeserved gift in my life. #emotional Going to read the companion post now.

  70. Great advise! I try very hard to live by these already but now that I see it in writing I’m going to print it out so I can have a reminder when needed. I have a wonderful husband and I try to tell him how much I appreciate him frequently. Thank you.

  71. I agree, when I followed all of these and my marriage was 'happy', but we maxed out our credit cards, very little around the house ever got fixed, and I was supposed to be content just hanging out at home while he played video games on the weekends because he couldn't handle the idea of me going out and having fun without him, yet he didn't want to do anything (and you're right, his ego was bruised if I expressed that I wanted anything). I hope i'm not raising a son who's ego is this easily bruised, I'm divorced now and much happier and better able to provide for our children for it.

    • Agreed! Don’t badger a man who needs told several times to do anything, let’s see how anything ever gets done. Just take all your earnings and hire other men to do it, hmmm that won’t make a man feel “injured” just let the house fall apart bc god forbid anyone injure a man who’s lazy already and enable him to be even lazier. What a crock of shit! There are ways to get every single one if these “injuring” behaviors accomplished without injuring anyone at all. You CAN go behind your husband after he’s made the bed and nicely and respectfully express to him that although you appreciate what he’s done you prefer it this way and could he try it. Poor men, they’re so injured.

      • Yep, if your solution to 'feeling bad' is to withdraw and ruminate on how bad your wife makes you feel, maybe a more productive solution would be to man up and go live life well. Self esteem doesn't magically fall into place based on how your wife acts.

  72. Thank you for this. Unfortunately, I am also guilty of most, if not all of these. My husband deserves so much better. I mentally know I need to change my responses, I just hope I can do it overall for him. I wish it could change in the snap of my fingers or go back a few years, he’s truly a great man and I need to be a better wife to him.

  73. Thanks Ron! Most of these I have experienced, I hope she'll read this (without me showing it to her). My wife is a wonderful woman going through some stuff and I know 99% of the time she doesn't do these things intentionally. But that doesn't change the hurt it causes. To the guys out there, the best thing you can do is stay the course, be the man God wants you to be. You don't have to get run over to do that. Hardening your heart will only cause you to have a negative reaction instead of taking a positive action.

  74. You know I read articles like this all the time. 25 ways to show respect to your husband, 10 Marriage Tips Every WIFE Needs to Hear, etc. And I am trying, honestly, I am trying. But, sometimes I wonder, am I kidding myself. Why should I praise every small thing he does. Doesn’t that just enreforce his belief that the minimal effort he puts in is enough? Why should I pretend like it is ok he hasn’t done his own laundry since we’ve been married (or change the sheets, or clean the bathroom, or sweep, or vacuum). He changes the oil (once a quarter), cuts the grass (once a week, 6 months out of the year), shovels snow (once every 3 yrs or so), that’s fair, right? Why should I pretend to be ok with him barely talking to me. I shouldn’t badger him, right? Oh and forget about physical affection, I am supposed to choose joy because I got that 3 second back graze a month ago. How am I not supposed to hold him responsible for my emotional well being when the only thing that makes me sad is my failure to have a happy marriage…The fact that I am not even sure he likes much less loves me. When someone would rather play on his phone than have a conversation with you, sighs in irration the vast majority of times I go for a hug or try to get him to put his arm around me. I try so hard to focus on the good…the fact that he is a good man, with good values, he is a provider. I just wish I knew how to forget/ignore all the rest. Who needs a hug when you don’t have a roof over head or food to eat.

    • You have deeper issues in this marriage. And, yes, you should address them. Counseling is recommended. I wrote today at ronedmondson.com about writing a letter in times like this. This might be an option. But, simplicity won't work in this case. You need serious help for your marriage. Praying for you. 

      • Thank you for the prayers. We have tried counseling. It hasn’t helped yet and last time we went he said he refuses to go back. I need to try the letter thing again (tried it years ago before we were married, had mixed results). He is truly a good man & I am a good woman. I just wish we could stop hurting each other & be happy. Thank you again for the prayers.

    • Your marriage sounds identical to mine not too long ago. Please hang in there! I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but when people say marriage is a commitment, they say that for the hard times. It’s easy to want to stay and be happy when things are good. When things are bad, you have to remember your commitment to this person and work on the problems. There are so many levels that need to be peeled back in a marriage like this. I went through so many phases. I thought I made a mistake. I thought we weren’t compatible. I thought we just didn’t care about the same things. I thought we were just too different. I thought I was never going to have the love of my life. After googling all I could about how to get him to change and ready all these books, I realized the only person I could work on was me. I always spoke to my husband about my attempts to fix our marriage. Lots of things I changed did help tremendously, but here is my personal list of what I believe led to my husband and I feeling like we have the type of love that everyone dreams about.
      1) me becoming and stay at home wife/mom – My husband (I too on many levels) thought there was no way we could afford it, so he was against it. You learn to make adjustments. When you stay home, you feel like it’s your job. I wanted to show him how worthy I was as a house wife and mother that he wouldn’t want me to go back. Those naysayers who think it’s not fulfilling shouldn’t knock it until they try it. As a high school Math teacher, I was a career woman. At first, I did miss the stimulating challenge of constantly trying to find ways to teaching Math to low income students whose scores were the lowest in our state. Since my marriage is happier and I get to be completely involved in my children’s lives and I have friends I get to see more often than I ever would have while I was working, I feel fulfilled. I did pick up tutoring on the side, but I only do it when my husband is home with the kids. My husband feels more appreciated and taken care of now, so he goes out of his way to take care of me now.
      2) My husband is a Type 1 diabetic. One night, his sugar was really low. So low, I thought I might lose him. Once he began to speak logically again, we had a series of shared moments, that I understand can’t be forced, that led to his realizing just how much I loved him. Though as a married couple, you assume your partner loves you, but sometimes we become very insecure and walls go up. I know you can’t simulate a near death experience, nor would I wish it on anyone. What you can do though is imagine what your life would be like if your husband was ripped from your life unexpectedly. What would you miss? What would you wish you would have said? What would you regret not doing? Out of all your problems, what would remain important?
      3) We had a situation where my husband thought I cheated on him. I did not in any way, but his imagination was working overtime. I was not surprised he was mad by the perceived situation since he is very prideful and believed he had been disrespected. It actually made me angry since I had done nothing. This didn’t help. When he began to tear up (he is a bald faced, Duck Dynasty type of guy who doesn’t cry), I realized he was actually hurt. This showed me there was something underneath pride. I was his wife whom he loved dearly and did not want to share. Though that seems obvious, it’s not. It proved he was in love with me. This is exactly what I needed to know.
      After the occurrences above, even though we are both in our 30s, we began to be like crazy, in love teenagers. We still have some of the same problems, but when you have the love and respect you need from your spouse, these other things seem less important. You still address them, but it’s more of a discussion about the actual problem at hand and a solution or compromise as opposed to the lash out that happens because there is hurt and bitterness already lurking.
      Takeaway: Control what you can control. Work on you. Be patient. Hang in there.

    • I’ve read your comment and a few of the responses. To me it sounds as if you are feeling unloved and unappreciated. Have you ever heard of the book “The 5 Love Languages”? To me it sounds as if YOU have 2 strong ones: Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I suggest reading that, attempting to discover your husbands love language and attempt to put it into practice. I have noticed since my husband started showing me love in my love language (Acts of Service) that things are going (at least a little bit) better. (its only been a short while since he has figured out how to show it. He is a Physical Touch lover. Harder for him to understand what I need)

  75. Thank you, these describe some if not most of what I do. Its hard to catch yourself in the act and not say or do as you wanted to as a reaction. I’m trying, I really am. Again, thank you for reminding me that I need to work on this. I read the other one and like it as well.

  76. It is such a cool thing that God gave women the power to initiate a change in atmosphere within marriage. Since repenting of disrespect towards my husband at a conference a few years ago and deciding to make an effort to act loving when feeling very unloving / unloved, our marriage has done a 180. After “mastering” some of these, I notice I still give nonverbal criticism with raised eye brow etc. Hard to catch myself but where there’s willingness, God provides grace.

  77. Like it or not…no matter the current political trend is regarding women being equal or superior to me, many women live a double standard life. Things that are okay for them to do and thongs that are not okay to be said or done to them but they dont hesitate one second to say or do the things to men that they dont like.

  78. I have nothing deep to say like some of the other wonderful replies you’ve already received. I just wanted to thank you for writing this. As a newlywed in marriage number 2, I’ve made an honest attempt to be a Godly wife this time around. But you’ve shown me areas that I still need to work on. I realize most women don’t like to be told where they are wrong, but actually I first saw your husbands hurting their wives post shared on a friends page. When I saw it, I immediately craved an article about my shortcomings. Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

  79. I don’t think anyone should look at this article in a negative way. It’s intended for women who, i think, would want to better themselves in any area needed. If it’s not needed in your life or opinion, just move onto the next article. But most women i know are perfectionists in one way or another, and working on bettering ourselves is self progress… NOTHING wrong with that;)

    On another note, I loved this article. I didn’t realise how I do so many of these things and how much of a negative impact this can have on a marriage after years of being married… Thank you:)

  80. I’m guilty of several..and ashamed of myself…I have been trying to make a conscious effort to stop these bad behaviors…ine of my fav sayings is don’t try to change people. .love them..love changes people…I look to these pagea for daily reminders and inspiration because I AM a newlywed and dint know a lot about marriage. .I thank you for your tips advice and uplifting words

  81. This is absolutely right. And I’m guilty of a few of them… I’m trying not to, I guess I felt like for so long he deserved it after the constant pain he caused me. I don’t know what to do!!

    • Short answer. Address it with him in a meeting when both of you are prepared for it, rather than badgering him over and over again. If needed, write a letter. I talked about how to do that on my blog today. Get counseling if warranted. Again, the key is to do what works. Nagging never does. 

  82. Nothing earth shattering here….but great reminders. That being said…I would be sad and hurt if my man did any of this to me too.

  83. This post addresses me as a wife perfectly. I feel like I am guilty of each and every one of these things. How can I correct these actions/habits before I injure him more? I feel like if I talked to him about it, his self worth would be injured even more.

    • Why don't you write him a letter? I wrote how to do that on my blog today. Ronedmondson.com.I promise you he will be validated.

  84. Being a woman with plenty of emotions, I can’t honestly say that in my marriage I have done some of these things if not all of them. This post has made me see that, so thank you for this!! I will definitely take this into concederation and give my husband the encouragement that he needs.

  85. I honestly think this is funny. This is demeaning to a woman and makes her sound like she is a slave to a man. If i have to tell my husband more than once to pick up his crap then yes I get angered. He should have more ownership of the house and not want it to look like crap leaving his stuff everywhere. Also if he doesnt clean correctly yes I will correct him. It is not that hard to put a bit of effort in it and do it right.

      • If one doesn't care how something is done, wouldn't it be easier for that person to do it the way the other prefers it to be done? If one cares and the other has no preference, then the latter could oblige.

    • As women we have to remember that men have there way of Doing things. If we constantly put them down when they are trying to help us, chances are it’s gonna make them not want to help us at all. We’re not supposed to mother them through life, Were so supposed to walk beside them.

  86. Perhaps the most valuable marriage advice I got before my wedding was to eliminate "always" and "never" from my vocabulary in arguments. "You always do this" or "You never do that" are explosive and we don't use them.

    I was glad to see you mention one of those in this post.

  87. I would add, commenting how great another guy looks in front of you. My wife thinks just because he’s a celebrity it’s ok to call him sexy. I did it to her just to make a point and she got very angry. Really? She still didn’t get it.

  88. This is really good advice for myself and my soon to be husband. As we have some problems we are trying to work out before we tie the knot! We were really having a hard time getting along about 2 months ago and really needed some advice and guidance on what to do. I really like that your a Christian
    counselor, myself being Christian. I would really like to do whatever it takes to make it work with my fiance, especially since we have kids together.

  89. I just wanted to add something that I’ve learned and struggle with in my own relationship. I’m a 26 year old woman and have been in this relationship for six years. One thing that we have issues with (this goes both ways) is showing interest in each other’s interest. We tend to just blow each other off when the other discusses something we have no interest in. It hurts, both of us, but at the time we’re not trying to hurt the other. I tend to “tune out” or make an excuse when he wants to tell me about a cool new gadget he’s found just like he ignores me when I’m trying to explain the latest book I’m reading. And because of this we’re struggling with communication. It’s these little things over the years that build up.

  90. Its the wives job to build up her husbands ego, appreciate him, respect him…and by doing that its all in the words she says and the way she says it. He needs that, its just how men are wired. See the good in him, focus on those qualities. If she were to speak negative of him or to him she'll less likely get cherished, loved and adored by him.

  91. I’m glad a friend posted this blog and I had the opportunity to read it. I’m guilty of things on the list and it was hard yet helpful to see it written down. I hope my significant other and I can have a conversation about this to see where he is at. I read both articles you have written on this topic and I wanted to point out one problem I had. I feel both lists go both ways, like you mentioned. It doesn’t have to be a blog about what women and what men do. It can just be a list of things people in relationships tend to do. I recognize this probably also wasn’t intentional, but it’s thinking like this that keeps the gender stereotypes alive. I would encourage people to look at their thinking around significant others in a more broad way. Yes there are biological differences(such as hormones that contribute to different aspects of any relationship) but your “better half” is a person.

  92. Even as a guy who has just been dating a girl for several years, I see these pop up on occasion. It’s kind of relieving to see that I’m not the only one who feels these things from time to time.

  93. I am newly married and I realized as I read I do several of these things. Now I am aware and can make an effort to be better. Thank you for writing this article!

  94. I just have to tell you…….this post was excellent. I an a woman who has been wounded and bitter and have also done the wounding. This was very educational and allowed me to step back and see how he probably feels and that doesn’t make me feel very good. We have been married 15 yrs and its been tough but I’m glad I have a MSN that doesn’t give up on me even though I wanted to give up on him so many times. W are now at a point in our marriage where we are able to truly able to love each other.

  95. this seems like a two way street to me, not just how a wife injures her husband, but the same in return. all of them! especially the one on appreciation, women do lots of work, but because we are so good at multitasking it gets taken for granted everyday, whether we are a working mother or a housewife.

  96. I felt this to apply to me as much as her….thank you..i enjoyed…i found this on facebook unsure of reading it.i plane to share

  97. You know a young 21 year old male, I see this constantly, and it’s honestly the reason I refuse to settle down, I have unfortunately jaded myself through some of my past actions and it’s not easy to trust from causing myself unnessacary pain. I’m trying a new tactic now thought to counteract my past blunders, act like a privilege to be treated as one and it seems to work, I’m glad to have seen the other post on husbands, it seems those behaviors is what I have changed and more, so I am glad to have seen that, it gave me confidence that I’m headed in the correct direction! To the poster, you sir have my respect however I could do without the religious propaganda I do see that you and I have common views at least in this area, it is very refreshing and revitalizing to know my current path is just, I have recently started dating again, I’m with someone who is on the same page in the same book so hopefully this time, the story continues, thank you again for the added “ego” boost

  98. Thank you so much for posting this. I am sad to say, this hit home very hard. After my husband cheated many years ago, I started treating him badly, and I guess he took it all quietly for me, maybe because he felt he had to. Unfortunately, it became a bad habit that stuck and I justified it in my mind. After years of trying to make things right, he says he is closed off and is ready to leave me because of the way I treat him.

    After reading this article, I realized, I do 6 out of the 7 and I am not proud of that. I want my marriage to last, especially since there are 3 incredibly awesome kids involved. After reading this article, I am ready to rid myself of resentment and start loving again.

    Thank you so much, this reached me at just the right time.

  99. I am so blessed to be married to the most amazing, hard working, confident man that God could've chosen for me. Thanks for this post. This list will be posted in a place I can see often. I needed this reminder so I can be the best wife I can for him.

  100. Thank you so much for putting up this post my fiancé and I aren’t married yet but have been together for 2 years living together for a year and a half this post gives me some awesome insight and I am def guilty of prolly everything you posted thank you and I am determined to change the things I do that hurt him. Again thank you

  101. Most women don’t like hearing the things they do wrong. It never feels good knowing you’ve failed, however, it’s necessary so we can grow and develop a stronger relationship with our spouse. Perfection doesn’t exist, but that doesn’t mean we should stop striving for it. If I’m doing something wrong than I want to know about it. Thank you for posting this. It was very insightful and I appreciate the male perspective.

  102. Great topic! Life has its struggles, in many ways married couples have double struggles! After the wedding comes the marriage! God has ordained that the two become one. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves his church, he gave his all for her! Wives are to honor/obey their husbands as the church is to honor & obey Christ. When a husband loves his wife as Christ (the bride groom) loves the church (his bride), why wouldn't the wife desire to honor her husband? As Christians we are commanded to esteem others as greater than ourselves. This runs contrary to the world's way! Thus, we need a steady diet of God's Word that we may learn His truth & will for life/marriage; also constant prayer & regular fellowship with like believers for accountability & strength that we may be able to overcome Satan's attacks! Also remember, husbands, "happy wife – happy life!" If each marriage partner doesn't bring the other along side as his/her equal, it ain't going to work!

  103. I really appreciate your article and that’s coming from a wife that fits 6 out of the 7! Sadly I knew some things I was doing but not all and to the extent. Some of the things like putting down my husband has addressed to me but I thought he was crazy according to the article I do exactly that and didn’t realize that. This article has put my husband’s emotional state of well being into perspective for me so thank you.

  104. I am a woman and I read this article. You want to know what I thought? Very well done. I think every woman should read this article. My husband and I are newly weds and we love each other no doubt, but we do tend to pull away from one another more frequently than we should. After reading this I can understand why. I am guilty of some of these things and after reading this, I know what things I can work on to bring us closer when we do drift apart. Is all the blame on me? No. But I do play my part in this too. When we pull away I can sit down and think, ” have I done any of the 7 things lately?” and try to correct my actions. Thank you for posting this article.

  105. Some of these things are more easily changed than others. For example, it wouldn’t be too hard to stop putting him down in front of other people. However, how do you address the badgering? Whether it’s a husband, child, or wife, badgering only hurts. However, if the other party repeatedly won’t help out when you’ve asked and gives no explanation for why, what choice are you left with? Sometimes badgering is a cause of hurt…. and sometimes, it’s the effect.

    • That's a great question. The key, however, is that it doesn't work…and it does more harm than good, so you have to try something else or keep doing something ineffective that causes damage to the relationship. More of the same will not produce change.As for what works, that's probably as broad a question as what discipline do you use on a child. It is different for every child. And, it will be different for every relationship. Try some things and see what works. I like to have a sit down, turn everything off, heart-to-heart discussion for things like this…as a first try. Then, if that doesn't work…write a letter. If that doesn't work, you may need some counseling to help you get through to each other. There are probably 100's of other ideas. You could let the thing go that you are badgering about…and let the consequences fall where they will. That's tough for someone who wants the clothes picked up off the floor…if that's a problem for example…but after they trip over them a few dozen times (hopefully not that many)…they'll get the hint.

  106. Thank you for this:) I unfortunately am guilty of some of these and it crushes me that I have probably been hurting my hubs for a long time. Definitely not my intention, so thank you for this post:) I appreciate it :) I have been chronically ill for a really long time, so we have struggled, and I hate all the pressure already on him….But thank you for sharing this with everyone. I definitely will make a conscious effort to not do this, because the last thing I want to do is for my husband to feel any kind of pain that I feel :)

  107. Thank you my son sent the link . He see more of what is happening I pray my wife will be open to it . Thank you

    In His love

  108. I realize that most of the points refer to a husband's ego. I am a wife but I disagree that such statements can emotionally hurt a man. These issues which you refer to can be so easily solved by communication. If a wife says or does something offensive to her husband's ego, all he have to do is share his disappointments with her. His failure to do so contributes also to his emotional pain. No relationship is successful or peaceful in the absence of healthy communication. Healthy communication is not only sharing good news and compliments but also bad news and disappointments. If a husband struggles with expressing his disappointments with his wife, this relationship has other issues and the husband has personal issue which he need to address. I do sincerely agree that words and behavior do effect our emotions, but communication can assist in such act not being repeated. And men need to move beyond their ego and look within themselves and the word of God for their purpose in marriage. I never read in the bible about a wife having to support her husband's ego.

    • Well that would be the problem with Christian marriages. All the answers aren’t found in the Bible. Until Christian women realize this and take advice about men, there will continue to be a rising number of divorce in the church. The male ego is quite fragile and as his wife….it’s your job to protect it. I mean, you do expect him to protect you, right?

    • You’re ignoring that men are programmed nearly from birth to mask vulnerability. You’re also ignoring the tendency of repeated injury to cause distance. And lastly, you are committing the crime of blaming the victim instead of putting responsibility on the perpetrator. These are all extremely dangerous and irresponsible. Please, don’t ever be a counselor.

  109. Great article, also at the bottom of this article I recommend the related article, 7 Ways a Husband Injures a Wife…Without Even Knowing It.
    I recommend this not only for husbands and wife’s but to boyfriends and girlfriends.
    It will help you realize how our god designed a man and woman to work.
    Now stop reading this for a few moments and think about the word designed.
    Now I think of an artists paint brush and I would not take it out in the yard and dig a hole with it, that would totally ruin it and I would end up frustrated. Now if you use it for what is was designed for you can create a painting that when you step back and take a good look it brings joy to your heart.
    When you step back and look at your relationship with your spouse would it not be awesome to have joy fill your heart instead of being frustrated.

    When I realized this a while back it crushed me and drove me to my knees in agonizing pain because I realized it a few months to late and that would be after we where Divorced.

    Now how can a man that loves his wife so much it hurts and a woman love her husband so much it hurts end up this way, well in the simplest way I can put it, we took our paint brushes out in the yard and tried to dig a hole with them.

    What I realized and drove me to my knees was the hurt and pain I unknowingly inflicted on my wife.
    Now think about that guys this is real hurt real pain! That she feels.
    For years I brushed off her designed need and desire for me to open up and share myself with her to tell her my feelings as just some silly woman thing. Now if any of you men out there have the phrase
    (silly woman thing) in you vocabulary pleas hit the delete button now and replace it with
    (Designed Need and Desire).

    God is good !

    David Oslund:

  110. Yes I read it, yes I’ve been guilty of some… More often than I care to admit, but I admit… Doesn’t make me mad, angry or ready to tear apart, in any way(3 I wanna thank u fir bringing these to my attention(3 for if not, then I would prob continue to be guilty, until I heard God speak(3 He spoke to me, thru ur blog and I am soo grateful!! I want to make the Love of My Life, The Daddy of My Children, and My Best Friend, Happier than ever imagined(3 Thank u so very much!!! GOD BLESS(3… Love in Christ, Heather(3

  111. Your article was a slap in the face but a much needed one. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, been together for 11 years. Sometimes its easier to not face that maybe I am not as good of a wife as I should be and visa versa. We are the only relationship each other know and when you take into account me being responsible for all 7 of these…it could explain a lot of issues in our relationship.Thank you for your honesty and helpfulness.

  112. Thanks for sharing!!! This is so true and hits home for me. Things I never thought of and we need to do better on building our husbands up emotionally.

  113. I read both of these and I love what you had to say!! I have not even been married a year yet (with my now husband for over 5 years though) and I have to say these are things I am learning. We got together young, had children young, and got married pretty young. He just turned 22 and I am 23 but I believe understanding things like this about him as a man help us mature in our marriage. There are definitely times where I’ve done the things that you’ve mentioned and it is crazy the difference it makes in even a day of our relationship. Being more aware and intentional in the way we treat each other and react to each other is so important. Love these posts!!!

  114. It hurts but so true! I'm a wife married to a lovely and patient man yet I hurt him. I knew what i was doing wrong but didn't admit it really, I always wanted to be right. He is so silent when I kind of tell him off. Now I understand that it's because he is hurt. Thank you for the lesson so much, this is a great reminder. May God help me to humble myself to admit when I'm wrong and to appreciate my husband and love him for who he is. BIG THANK YOU!

  115. Love it!! We've been to counceling and have been working much better as a team raising kids and running a house!! This is a great reminder of pain that is probably still under the surface and needs more tender encouragement :) THANK YOU!!

  116. As I read this, I was reminded that my first wife regularly practiced 4 or 5 of these. I am happily remarried now, and truly blessed with a wife that has not displayed any of these behaviors. (At least that I have noticed) It truly makes a difference in how I feel about our relationship. Also about myself in general. Thanks for sharing.

  117. Having read this post and its companion, I think that it might be a good reminder that these are ways that damage a child as well. Parents can be some of the most judgmental people in the world, and they do these very things to their children.

  118. One thing was left out. Not showing him any respect. For a man to have the respect of his wife means the world. For him to not have it drags him down in every area of life faster than just about anything.

    Just my 2 cents. Great post! :-)

  119. Apryl, It really depends on the particulars of your situation, but I'm pretty sure destroying him emotionally isn't a viable solution. Your husband may be a piece of work. I don't know. Most of us have areas where we could use discipline. In general, though, what I have observed is that when things are equitable both husband and wife tend to feel like it's unfair. So as a rule of thumb, if it seems fair, then you probably aren't giving enough. If it seems unfair, then you are being like Christ. Rest in him.

    • "If it seems unfair, then you are being like Christ. Rest in him." Wow. What a great point. My husband isn't a piece of work, I probably should have reworded my post. It's just moments in time that he gets on my last nerve, but it's usually when I'm not choosing patience. Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate it.

  120. While these topics are about what a man (husband) needs from his wife or how he feels, what is this suppose to do to help a marriage? You are addressing only one person in that marriage. This is not meant to be ugly or derogatory. It is a very serious need to know question. How do you respond to that? How does the wife do all these wonderful things to help her husband when it is all about what HE needs. I guess I don't get it.

  121. I just want to say thank you for both the wife and husband hurting each other posts. I’m not married yet as I find my fiancee puts me down a lot and I’m planning on having him read both those posts as to me they were inspiring. I’ve been on bed rest for a day and only ordered to be on for two and he chooses to go out with his friend instead of being with me and helping me out. I have a 3 yr old and a boy on the way due in march. I’m just hoping your post will touch him as it touched me.

    • Ashley, you may want to consider going to a good pre-marital counselor about your finance putting you down a lot. Even if he changes temporarily from reading these posts, the problem is probably much deeper than these posts can address. If he is critical now, he will be more critical once you are married.
      Marriage and kids magnify the good but also magnify the problems. You will definitely appreciate getting the criticism part solved prior to marriage.
      My marriage started off on a crumbly start because of a critical spirit (among other things)… and we've been battling a lot over the last 5 years. I really wish that my marriage had started off on a happier note. :)

  122. We do and say a lot without even knowing the impact it has on the ones we love and care about. Me and my wife of 5 years are guilty of most of these things to a point that we aviod talking about issues. Sometimes we would go as far as 2 weeks without communicating because of this and this is negetively affecting our marriage, worse of all we dont stay together because of work. I love my wife very much and I really like our marriage to work out, so I’m going to do the best I can to make it work. Thanks guys.

  123. I can definitely relate to this. I know I'm guilty of some or most of them and try to stay away from it.
    I think the "Complain about what you don't have or get to do" can also apply to the men tho. This has been an area in our marriage where I am the one who is wounded. If my husband isn't happy where we're living (military) or with the car he's driving etc it makes me feel like I"ve somehow failed as a wife b/c he's not happy.

  124. This post really helped me. I’m not married yet, but i am living with my fiancee. I hadn’t realized how much i was already hurting him and we’re not even married yet. I will take this post and let it help me throughout our relationship. Thank you!

  125. I read your article, and then the comments, and it seems to me that most of the comments should be attached to your companion article, "7 Ways a Husband Injures a Wife…Without Even Knowing It". Ladies, if you truly own that you are guilty of the above, why do you then turn around and put int back on your husbands? Just curious. It would make more sense, if you see yourselves doing this to your husbands, to take ownership of the problems, and try to make changes in your own behaviors.

  126. My husband and I have been married for a year in February. Thank you for posting this. We have been having some issues lately, and I actually do… well, honestly, all of these things. He isn't the type to TELL me when I do something wrong, though, so I guess I didn't realize what a large impact it all had on him. I needed to hear it from an outside perspective. Again, thank you!

  127. As a woman who is getting prepared to be married in December, I want to say thank you for your wisdom and for sharing! I am guilty of several of these things and I am going to share this with my fiancé so we can talk these things out in premarital counseling. I know that we are imperfect people and that we won’t know everything before we get married, but it’s very nice to read this and see what I can be working on before and during our marriage. Thanks again!

  128. I wish I had seen this before my husband and I separated. I am guilty of several of these and want to fix things but I think he damage has already been done… I am hoping by me working on myself shows him I am willing to be a better wife.

  129. I just have to commend my wife at this point for not being guilty of these things at all. If anything, she apologizes if she has to remind me of something more than a couple of time. I tell her it's okay because she also knows my memory isn't very good. She expresses appreciating when I do something around the house, whether I did it the "right way" or or not. But really, as long as it gets done, she doesn't care how it got done. If she uses the "you always" phrase, it's to tell me something that I do all the time that she appreciates. God has richly blessed me with this queen among women and our children's spiritual development shows the fruits of her sacrificial giving in the family. I only pray that I am as good a husband for her as she is a wife for me.

    • I pray that God can use me to this degree in my own husband's life. And that someday he will call me his queen. Your comment is truly a beautiful representation of the Proverbs 31 woman where it says her husband rises and calls her blessed, and how she is praised at the city gates. She is a true Proverbs 31 woman and one that I strive to be like. I'd love to shake her hand and tell my sister in Christ "Thank you for being a role model of a woman who is hard to find in today's modern times." Tell her for me, please. Thank you.

      • Your comment just made me cry. Becasue I long for my husband to say this. I am reading this because my husband shouts at me all the time. I am trying to look deep within myself on what I could be doing wrong. My husband is a faithful and very open person but he has really angry outbursts and has no tolerance or sympathy/empathy or care for me. He will snap even about the smallest things that I had no control over. I am feeling broken. He shouts when I have left my phone somewhere in the house and it rings. He says its making noise i must keep it with me all the time. He will shout because I mistakenly spilt something in the car.
        He will shout and scream if I have done something like buy a small item that he probably thought was not good for the children. He will shout at me in front of kids or anyone, it doesnt matter. If I do not think like he would have thought about something then its a serious issue. To be honest I have read books on how to respect my husband and I apply them. My family and everyone else thinks I have the best husband ever, because I tell them so and I can be very proud of him. Infact he recently bought me a car and I was really happy, but everytime we fight, he takes the keys and lives me stranded. he blames me for everything that goes wrong. Honestly I am feeling like I he has no respect, tolerance, care for me. He provides for the kids and I, that is no issue at all. He is a faithful man and hides nothing. I have access to everything of his, money, emails, whatever. He tells me every plan he has or wants to do. Honestly there are no suprises with him. He doesnt control my movements or anything like that. He will happily allow me to go out on my own so long as I have cooked for him, coz he doesnt like cooking. Everything we have is for both of us, it doesnt matter who bought it. He engages me in all his business delaings. If there is anything at his work that involves him engaging our finances, or him contributing to something, he tells them to call me and I will pay them. He really never Leaves me out of anything. But its the Ill treatemnt and lack of empathy for me that gets to me. I dont know what to say honestly. I just feel if we could ommunicate better with each other, we would go a long way. He will come and accuse me for taking his phone and putting it else where, yet it is in his pocket somewhere. By the time we find it, he has screamed at me and told me how I am careless and all. And when we do find that all that he is shouting about has nothing to do with me, he doesnt even apologise. So clearly, I am not sure what to do here.

        • I really am not sure. I have took a few things and walked out this weekend after he did one of his screaming sessions. I just had enough and I know I cant stay with a man who cannot be understanding of the faults of others especially I his wife. I do not want to list the things I contribute to this marriage. I am as open as hionest with him as he is with me. I am faithful, i take care of all the kids (including step kids). I know his favourite perfume and food and always go out of my way to get it. Arghhh ….i really do not want to get into that. But I have come to the point where I just feel there is nothing I have not done to give in this marriage. I really do not deserve the treatment I get. Well if it is about something that I am doing to feed the ill-treatment and disrespect I am getting, then I really need someone to show me how I can avoid or respond in a better way. I realise I cannot stop him from being irritated by my ringing phone cause I clearly cannot carry my cellphone with me all the time, especially when I am doing house chores. What hurt the most here is, I had gone outside to pick up his underwear that I had washed for him. When I approached there door…gosh, he was screaming louder than the cell-phone….asking why I leave my phone lying around cause its making noise for him and he is watching a movie. (At that time his phones are not next to him, they are in the bedroom where they could also ring anytime). So clearly I dont know how he expects me to do things that he also can not keep up with. Our fights are based on things that I cant guarantee I cannot do again. I cannot guarantee that I will answer my phone all the time, I cant guarantee that I will always think the way he does, I cant guarantee that I will not make mistakes like picking up our son at 3PM when he would have wanted him to be picked up at 4PM (Not that there is any harm that happens when i pick him up at a different time than him), he just thinks by doing that I did something that he didnt want, therefore I am bad cause I didnt consult him, i just did things the way I want. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! , I dont know!!!! I really dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He will never ask me why I did something the way I did? he just jumps and screams at me. By the time I explain, if i do get the chance (usually I write an email to explain) he never says Ok I see….If anybody told him I stole a car at a parking lot, he would probably belive those people before me. (After that when he realises that I was never at that parking lot……its too late, we have fought to no percent). Its like he is always waiting to get me or find some fault with me then use it against me. I really need help. Please do not suggest counselling. He will not do it. He says he knows everything about marriage or women. Im just the one with a problem. I dont listen to him or respect him. Good Loed , where is disrespect in a having my cell-phone lying around in the house. I respect this man and I know it and I am still open to more suggestions and ways to improve myself . But im losing it cause he is not trying to also understand me or have any tolerance. If only he could just ask me something before he goes on to blame me for everything and anthing. If only he would just say ""Did you see where I put the keys when I came home?" As opposed to saying "" Why did you take my keys from wher I left them, i know i left them on top of the table. Why do you ALWAYS move my things" You really have no consideration for other people? you just do things the way you want and dont think of others you live with?"…….he is screaming all these things as I try to look for the keys, which is very disturbing and making me very angry as he does it walkin behind me. The keys will be in the very trouser he was wearing. No apology, he puffs out in anger. I on the other hand am so mad for even looking for the keys when I should have just ignored him (which would have been interpreted as being unhelpful and disrespectful).

          • I really hope you see this response. Sadly, knowing from experience, you are married to a verbal abuser. Please read the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans. Also, "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of abusive and controlling men," by Lundy Bancroft. Both are usually found at the local library. This will help you connect the dots and understand the dynamics of what is going on. There are also suggestions on how to react to VA and how to tell if he's a lost cause. Know that it is nothing that you are doing or not doing that causes him to behave this way. Best of luck to you.

  130. Yep I’m guilty of some of these. I will say I have and never will put my husband down in public or private. nor will I call him on his flaws. but I do go behind him when he misses spots on dishes, or cleaning in general, but he does it to me as well lol. I do however constantly nag about things he doesn’t do that would be a huge help on me. being a full time wife and Mom of 3 is hard and someone else doing the dishes or laundry or anything now and then is a huge help, even if its just once a week. so I’ll give some advise for all hard working husbands and dads, help her out once in a while, we really do appreciate it even if we forget to thank you.

    • Wow well I should be very thankful because my husband helps me out with all the baby bottles and the dishes if needed!!

    • I just have to say this. If you are a stay at home wife and mother, you should handle all those jobs. The children and all the housework, cooking etc is YOUR job. Your husband should not have to work hard, bring home the money and pay all the bills and then have you ask him (or tell him) to do parts of your job. That's just not right.

      • Dawn, that means my husband would work 9-5 Monday through Friday and be done. I, however, would work from 7 am to 8pm every day, seven days a week. Does that seem right to you? I work all day taking care of our children and our home, just like he works all day outside of the home. Then when he comes home, we work together until the children go to bed. That means sometimes he cooks dinner, because I've had a terribly stressful day and need a break. Or washes the dishes. Or helps fold laundry. The scenario you describe would lead to incredible imbalance of work, which is certainly not healthy in any relationship. I would ask that you consider this before you tell people what their relationships and jobs "should" look like.

        • Well, I am a stay at home Dad with 4 children. I gave up my career after our 4th so that I could make sure they where raised at home and not in a Day Care. My wife is an executive and works 12 hours on a normal day but a lot of the time puts in 16 hours. I do all of the duties a mom would do, house cleaning, cooking, laundry, ect. Typically I get my work done around noon and eat lunch with my kids and play with them, from around 1pm to 330pm I get my gaming time in or do what ever I want. At 345pm when my oldest gets home from school, I discuss what he learned and help him out with any homework. At 5pm I start making dinner preparations. After dinner I clean up, then the rest of the night is my time. My point is, I don't ask my wife for any help because I dont feel like I need any. Im not saying you are weak if you can't handle it on your own, but I do feel that a stay at home parent's responsibilities aren't as stressful or hard as being the sole provider for your family. There is no reason why you can't keep things in order by maintaining them 3 or 4 hours a day. The rest of your job is taking care of your kids, which should be your favorite part.

          • That's great for you, but it's certainly not the experience that everyone has. I love being a SAHM, but it is hard work. My husband would absolutely say that my job is harder than his. I have three children, none of them are in school, and we plan on homeschooling when they're old enough. So, like I said, fantastic for you that you have it all down and everything always runs smoothly, but my point is that there is nothing wrong with both parents helping each other with the children and the house. Comments like Dawn's are not kind, or helpful, or frankly even well-intentioned. And I have to point out, you say your wife works 12-16 hour days. So of course you have to do it all, because there is no one around to help you. I can't imagine you would be so happy about doing everything if your wife worked a standard 8 hour work day and then came home and sat around on the couch watching TV while you did everything else.

  131. Wow I am a wife and this is really good information . We have been arguing more than usual and after reading this , I now see that it could very well likely be the things I do and say! Now that I’ve read this im going to definitely try to change the way I say somethings. Thank you so much for this information!

  132. Thank you for the insight! After being married to my husband for almost 20 years, I know I have been guilty of all these things, at one time or another. I am also happy to say that over the years, I have learned to be conscience of how to avoid doing them. Most of these are plain common sense….for me, anyway. For other people, not so much. I think I've learned a lot just by watching the way other couples treat each other. Most seem absolutely clueless and its really sad. If you are lucky enough to find someone as willing to work on a marriage as you are, it makes life so much more rewarding. We've had difficult times, but things always seem to be better when we BOTH focus on what the other wants instead of getting stuck in taking care of ourselves.

    • Absolutely, I think this is the point exactly. These are good things to keep in mind and try not to do, and I do recognize them as things I have done (but now try not to) and things that women do tend to do. Now I could sit here and try to justify my own wrongs by pointing put all the things wrong about my husband, but thats not helpful or productive…the point is that we are both trying, and that I must take responsibility for my own behavior

  133. Maybe it wasn’t your intent in the blog, but it seems sarcastic when you say things such as “always show him you can do things better than he can do things, he will appreciate that.”

    sarcasm probably isn’t appropriate when giving advice to people about what NOT to do. Some people may misconstrue your meaning.

    Just trying to offer some constructive criticism. Thank you for the blog.

  134. Well this post is helpful.. Am not a wife yet but it definately helps me in preparation to be one some day.. I kindly request that your wife posts 7 ways to injure a wife without realising here too.. I think its only fair lol

  135. I am sure every word is correct and I fail many times in these areas. I notice a real diffrence

    In my marraige when I do get it correct!! Ladies the change is beautiful I just mention I wanted some romance I woke up to a coffee creamer my favorite and fllowers in my refrigorator which ment he was out way after work and midnight to get them for me! To be fair in counseling with a wonderful christian Greg Williams who is all about saving marraige.


    Thanks David for the reminder

    It’s so true


  136. Thanks for the reminder. Coming from a previously wounded woman, who is about to get married in May 2014, I will definitely do my best to remember what I read here today.


  137. I am guilty of all of these and I needed this reminder. I could try to excuse myself by pointing out all of my husband's flaws, but that would just further my sin. Were it not for Christ, I would have left my husband awhile ago. I do not like being the breadwinner and the housekeeper both. I want kids and feel like time is running out, but I have to give that up for now because he doesn't want them any time soon. I am not happily married, but I am married. I keep reminding myself that, though my union on earth seems unfair, my union with Christ is even more so. I do nothing for Christ; He does everything for me. So, for His sake, I can live through anything, even a marriage that doesn't make me happy. Christ is more interested in my sanctification. I hope that that will come as I learn to love and respect the nan in my life.

    • Lucy! If you're not happy you can get out. This man is obviously not the man Christ wants for you. Christ wants you to be happy in all facets of your life. Let Him help you to move on to a better place in your life. My heart broke for you as I read your post. I will pray that you do find happiness and peace…even if that means walking away from the life you know. Close the door on this chapter of your life because when you do, God will open a beautiful window with amazing opportunities. God bless, Lucy. I'm praying for you.

      • Why are you advocating divorce? You don't know the situation and for you to be advocating that is just ridiculous. I am sorry if you have been hurt in the past and feel you need to be the voice of "strength" for all women in less than perfect situations but, there are families at stake here, not just individuals. If you are truly a sister in Christ then you should be encouraging Lucy to continue looking to Christ and to work towards counseling with her husband. By the way, you are not applying scripture correctly when eluding to closing a door and having God open another one – you are only trying to rationalize a very real action that carries severe consequences.

      • Yeah, that's what Jesus said. "Come to me and I'll make you happy all the time." He did, however, say that those who wish to follow Him must die daily, take up their cross, serve everyone, etc… Nowhere do I see Jesus promising an earthly life of comfort, happiness, etc… In fact, he promises the opposite. And he also says that if anyone divorces their spouse and marries another, except for infidelity, it's adultery. This life is short and marriage is supposed to be a picture of the relationship between humans and Christ. Good grief, go read Hosea for goodness sakes.

      • God says He hates divorce and see what it does to families, that's why God hates it. she is not going to be much better on hwer own as in she ll still want to get married or be in another relationship n the truth is that every one has its challenges even the best of marriages. while its not appealing to be in this situatiin , as a child of God you show do the will of God.
        1st believe that things can n will get better and thank God in d 1st place for His goodness over or life.
        2nd locate scriptures if God promises for your home n pray/speak it into your home
        3 start to act like its better while thanking God that its already better.
        we r children of God n we should live an extra ordinary life after d Spirit of God.

    • Well my wife makes more than me but that doesn't bother me, we both have roles in our home, but my wife never has to cook clean wash are mop lol cause i get home first. I could care less about who made what… we are in this together but in your case I hope you talked to him about it. My wife had to sit me down cause I didn't realize what I was doin.talk to him not at him if nothing changes(&it wont overnight) separate the thought of really loosing you might jump start him

  138. I agree with the ways a wife injures her husband, and I'm guilty of many. I've been married to the same man for more than 30 years, and I spent the majority of it as his "cheerleader", encouraging him, going along with his decisions, etc., all while he's looking at other women inappropriately, partying, etc. I finally reached that explosive point because he wasn't showing me respect. I used to say he doesn't return the same to me, but now I call it RESPECT. We're still together, and I've come to realize that I'm responsible for my behavior and communication toward/with him, and through my changes in me, he's now learning how to be more respectful of me. I know he has always loved me, but being taken for granted and disrespected is not okay, and I finally let him know. On the other hand, it's not okay for me to say and do things that hurt him either, and I'm still working on pushing out the hurt and betrayal so I can move forward. I started going to a Christian counselor for myself, and it has helped me in so many ways. I love and care about him, and I also need to take care of myself and my well-being.

  139. I love them for it but I've never asked for a handout in my life and I don't ask for help until I am way over my head. (It's that stubborn streak I was born with ~ LOL) I would never ask anyone for money and I didn't ask for this either. I simply burst into tears and wanted to crawl in a hole. I am in no way perfect, never have been and never claimed to be, but it's very hard to have or show respect for someone who's not providing for his family and only wants to do what's FUN, thereby letting others take care of his responsibilities as a grown up. Maybe if we had some medical insurance (we do NOT qualify for Medicaid because we made too much LAST YEAR!!) we could see a Counselor and get some help. I'm at the end of my rope but can't afford to buy one!!

    • Witt, these things he does are not "FUN" for him anymore, they are avoidance behaviors and may be signs of an addiction. You need support. Even if he doesn't drink alcohol, I would find a meeting of Al-Anon Family Groups. They have helped me tremendously to find my way and helped me save my family and my marriage.

  140. I'm in the exact same boat you are in Martha. My husband has "always been" the type to 'ignore' the kids when they need discipline but be their biggest playmate when it was 'Fun Time', making ME the Parole Officer and resident Bad Guy ~ a role for the Head of the House both in and out of Scripture. He ignores things to get out of doing them, whether it's the kids fighting, paying bills (Which he has never done!), fixing a leaky faucet, letting a fallen tree limb lay in the front yard for over a month, etc. I would never have used the word "lazy" to describe him 20 years ago. Now, however?!?!?!? He lost another job back in September (2nd job in 4 years) and is at this moment sitting 5 feet from me watching tv at noon on a Thursday (his present occupation, along with playing the PS3) instead of looking for a job that will pay enough for us to be able to Insure our 3 children. Another Head of the House Responsibility. This past Christmas, I was handed both gift cards and cash from some of our church family members who only wanted to help us out and I never knew what it was like to be utterly humiliated until that moment.

    • Given the change across the years, he might need to consider testosterone boosters such as heavy resistance exercise. Age lowers testosterone levels and as they go, so can a man's sense of efficacy / potency (broadly defined). He might enjoy Superhumanradio.com because it is a podcast hosted by a man in his fifties who talks about this topic and related ones. I promise I am only a fan of the show, although I am in my 30s.

    • As a thought, do you have any job skills that would allow you to work? I'm currently a stay at home mom, so I do understand that roll. And, I also get the thought process of it being the head of households job to support the family. But, I am of the firm belief that when it comes to supporting a family and children, that falls on both parents who chose to have kids. And, while it is less than ideal that your husband is in the situation he is in, and I hope he comes out of it, for you to not go to work or try to pick up the extra for the kids sake, you are just as responsible for the children not having healthcare. You may not have to support him, but you do still need to support your kids. Even if it's 2 part time jobs to make up full time hours, it's not perfect, but some money in to pay the bills and put food on the fable is better than no money at all.

  141. This was written for me. I am guilty of every one of those, especially recently. For the first years of marriage, I tried really hard to be the good supporting Christian wife. Out of respect for my husband, I didn't talk to anyone when I was upset, to my emotional and spiritual detriment. I've had enough, and now I'm talking. After years of emotional and sometimes physical neglect, I am now too emotionally injured to care what he thinks. My dreams of being a stay at home mom are crushed, as I had to become the sole provider when he wouldn't look for another job, after first quitting one and the next company closing. Now he's too comfortable and has no desire for the responsibility of providing. (He might express that differently, but he's certainly not comfortable with me not earning a paycheck!) My point? This works both ways. The nagging thing? If it's asked more than once, it's important. If you ignore something that is important to us, it tells us we're not important. If we are not important to you, then why should you and your feelings be important to us? I get we all have bad days, but when days turn into months and years the message is loud and clear.

    • I am a little confused. You say that it was written for you, but proceed to say what appears to be the opposite. What am I missing here?

      • "Hitting the road" isn't the answer either. Unfortunately in today's society that has become an all too frequent and a quick reaction to feeling unhappy. Coming from a broken marriage I can tell you, the grass IS NOT greener on the other side of the fence. It's just different. Divorce should be the absolute last option because it has lasting and broad impacts to a family. Issues should be discussed and worked on in counseling – of course both parties must be willing. Please don't look to "jump ship" just because you don't want to enable him; that's just absurd and totally contradicts the spirit of this well written article. Women, the author has also written an article of the 7 things that men unknowingly do to their wives that injure them (I read that one first by the way). I agree with it and can say I have done all 7 things to my ex-wife. I can also say if, we are all too concerned about what other people do or don't do to us or for us, it is a lose lose situation. We need to turn the mirror on ourselves and work on our challenges and that will bring change from other people. Do unto others, right?

        • There are two things keeping me: first, our children, and second, God calls us not to divorce. Unfortunately, there have been a couple times when I would have left anyway, but there's no way I could afford childcare, and he does provide that, even if it's not always the quality I would like (he's big on fun and tv, less so on discipline, chores, homework, and reading). He has his better times, and I need to focus more on those. I definitely have things to work on, and I'm trying, but it's very hard and discouraging when so many things about him convey the message that he'd rather be single with no responsibilities. The TV–whether it's shows, movies, sports, or video games–is usually much more important than interacting as a family (dinner at the table, board/card games, even just adult time together). And letting him have uninterrupted time to himself just seems to make it worse, instead of better. The things that I think are important to family life mean nothing to him, and he has no interest. I just really struggle with not taking that personally, and usually fail.

          • I didn't come away with that impression, and I don't think any others did either. Relationship issues are a lot more complicated than that, and will not be solved with simple fault finding. You are looking at a snapshot in time, things did not start out this way, and there are certainly wrongs on both sides. This marriage clearly is not modeled biblically, which is not entirely her fault. Her husband would have to accept his part in the breakdown as well. On the other hand, your tone sounds very hostile and bitter, like you take her situation personally. Are you sure you aren't spilling your own personal issues upon this OP?

          • Nobody is perfect. I would encourage counseling for sure. I would also encourage you to start with making a list of all the reasons you fell in love with him, then list your biggest problems. Then the two of you could sit down and begin with small steps in working out what you need to do to get back to being happy with each other. Sounds like you are also taking too much blame for the relationships problems. Nobody is perfect, no relationship is perfect, however, by verbalizing in a non confronting manner might help…"I feel when I come home and the kids are running like wild Indians that the children are not learning discipline…." for example (which may or may not be a problem, just an example.) When I speak to my partner I tell him how I feel, and then this is why and what do you think we need to do to fix it? But once again I would strongly urge you to speak to your priest, a counselor, etc…and get professional help. Good luck to you and your husband and God Bless you as well.

    • Sometimes I think wives forget that they made a CHOICE to marry their husbands. Most of the time, character issues can be identified during dating/courtship. It's important to listen to the little voice in your head. Ignoring it but being surprised to see those character issues worsen with age (and then complaining about it) doesn't really make sense. This is why choosing a mate wisely is so very important.

      • And men make a CHOICE to marry their wives. They both chose each other. It's not necessarily true that character issues are identifiable during dating, not even most of the time. People generally put on their best selves during courtship in order to snag the person they're attracted to. I do realize there are exceptions, like violence, drug/alcohol addictions, can be present during dating, but under normal circumstances people hide their shortcomings. I mean, anyone can be great for 3 hours on a Saturday night, but the real him/her is at home in a cage, waiting to get out. And the minute one of them says "I do," look out!

        Nobody wears a sign on their back announcing their faults so it's not realistic to assume people know exactly whom they are marrying. So while the argument of choosing a mate wisely sounds reasonable in theory it doesn't work in practice. Plus it's no more than a cop-out/defense others make on the behalf of the spouse who isn't fulfilling their role in the marriage.

    • Interesting how Martha admits the article convicted her, yet in her reply continues to exhibit some of same behaviors/attitudes identified as destructive.