7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband…Without Even Knowing It

counseling distressed couple

I was talking to a man the other day. He’s injured. Not severely. He will survive. Hopefully. The wounds aren’t deep. Right now. But, he is injured.

It’s an emotional injury. Sometimes those are the worst kind of hurts.

The person doing the injuring: His wife.

And she…most likely…doesn’t even know she’s doing it.

Surprised?

I’m not. It happens all the time. She’s probably injured too. And, he doesn’t even know he’s doing it to her. Marriages are made of two very different, imperfect people. Plus, we often injure most those we love the most.

My friend is newly married. Over the course of the last few months he’s began to realize how many things his wife is saying and doing that are causing him to pull away from her. He even recognizes his reaction as a defense mechanism. Rather than start a fight, he withdraws. And, he’s withdrawn to the point that he was willing to admit his hurt…which is difficult for any man to do. I was proud of him for being humble enough to ask if this was normal in a marriage.

It didn’t take long before I realized, however, this marriage is heading for disaster if they don’t address their issues soon. There’s a great chance she has questions about the relationship also. Thankfully, they’re in a great season to ask hard questions…learn valuable lessons…and strengthen the marriage.

I should be clear. This is not a counseling blog. And, this couple needs counseling. Even though I have a degree in counseling, this is simply a blog where I want to help people. Mostly that’s by addressing leadership issues, but sometimes I address the issues dealing with relationships…families…marriage…children. Because, those issues impact us all. And, our leadership.

Which led me to this post…addressing the ways wives injure their husbands…without even knowing it. I realize this works both ways. As a man, I feel most prepared to address this side of the issue. I consulted with my wife for the companion post 7 Ways a Husband Injures His Wife…Without Even Knowing It.

Here are 7 ways a wife injures her husband (without even knowing it):

Put him down in front of other people – Most men will not counter this type of humiliation in public…if ever. They will simply take it…and hurt. If they do eventually address it it will be out of stored up resentment…maybe anger…and it won’t be pretty.

Go behind him when he tries to do something at home – When you always show him how much better you can do things than he can do them, his ego is injured. When he fixes the bed…for example…and you follow behind him showing him the “correct way” immediately after he finishes, he is reminded he doesn’t measure up to your standards.

Constantly badger him – If he doesn’t do what you want him to do…and you remind him. Again. And, again…it never accomplishes what you think it will. In fact, it injures him with the opposite result.

Use the “you always” phrase…excessively – Because…he “always” does… Not really, but when you accuse him that he always does…sadly, it only helps build him into a man that always will.

Hold him responsible for your emotional well-being – Acting as if he’s the reason you feel bad today…and every other day you feel bad…puts undue pressure on him he doesn’t know what to do with. And, you don’t have to tell him. Subtly, just be in a bad mood towards him…without releasing him from guilt. He’ll take the hint…and own the responsibility. He will think it’s his fault even if it’s not. And, he caries that pain.

Complain about what you don’t have or get to do – He has a desire to fix things. He wants to be a provider. Every man does. Some attempt to live it out and some don’t. But, when he’s trying, doing the best he can, yet he feels he isn’t measuring up…he’s crushed. When you are always commenting on what other women have…that you don’t…he carries the blame…even if you’re not intending it to be his.

Don’t appreciate his efforts – Want to injure a man? Refuse to appreciate the things he feels he does well. It could be work, a hobby or a trait, but he feels part of his identity in the things he does. When you don’t find them as “valuable” as he does, his ego is bruised.

The reality is a man’s ego…self-confidence…sense of worth…is greatly tied to his wife. Just as a woman’s is to her husband. We can be fragile people. Some more than others. And, some seasons more than others. Understanding these issues and addressing them…with a third party if necessary…build healthier, stronger and happier people…and marriages.

I understand some women, especially the equally or more wounded women, are going to take offense to this post. I get that. I’m prepared for that…I think. All I can say is that you can’t measure my heart or my intention. As I said, I aim to help. You can’t address what you do not know. If you are guilty of any of these, the response is up to you. If not, well, thanks for reading to this point in the post anyway.

I’m praying this lands on ears that need to hear.

For a similar post, click HERE

(Note: I used this post in a message I preached on marriage. You can view it HERE. Also, I wrote a parenting version of this post about ways parents injure a child. Read it HERE.)

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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211 thoughts on “7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband…Without Even Knowing It

  1. Wow. I never knew, I was injuring my husband with some of these things. I see that I am guilty of all of these. God, Forgive me.
    I am also going to ask my husband for forgiveness tonight. And I vow to make it practice to stop this!
    Thank you for the eye opening blog post.

  2. This goes for men and women equally, as I have seen this occur from men toward women very much. Marriage is not about keeping scores, but showing kindness appreciation even when we are tired or irritated. Love is about patience and humbleness, earnest conversation about needs that is constructive rather than an assignment of blame. Men and women, humble yourselves to ask forgiveness for your shortcomings, and share where you have felt hurt in a way that does not look at where your spouse falls short, but asks them to consider your feelings in ways that may not have been clear. Pray together. Can you be angry with one another when you realize how undeserving of the love of God we are?

  3. Thanks for that post. I have to say I’m guilty of some of it to points but my question to them are. How do I talk to him to where he hears what’s I’m saying and what makes me think those things when I’m feeling them have to with the now and not something from the past. I believe communication is a key factor in a successful marriage so how do I get that back.

  4. Wow, a lot of this your right about, I mean, you don’t realize you hurt him. I’m ashamed to say I do most of this, but it’s nice to see the reasons that this does hurt him and it helps you be more conscious of it to better your marriage. I’ll gladly take this advice. I really needed this right now. Thank you for posting

  5. The information you posted seemed appropriate for BOTH men and women. I can imagine how hurtful each of those 7 behaviors could be to a husband or a wife. I appreciate the information and would also appreciate ideas for alternate/ less hurtful and more effective actions for those 7 situations where those hurtful behaviors are used.

  6. http://www.charismamag.com/life/men/19635-7-ways-
    possibly off topic, not sure, but did someone change something between your site and the one I linked to or was it edited? Just wondering because I first read the one I linked to and although I understood, being pretty fluent in sarcasm, I still was upset over how it was worded since sarcasm is just “The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.” Contempt is the last thing any woman needs who is looking at something to try and make a possibly difficult situation better.

  7. It's a little sad to see so many comments from women starting out with, "Yeah, I'm guilty of these…" and then devolving into a list of excuses why their husband is the cause of their bad behavior. YOU are responsible for your own behavior, your own decisions (obviously this goes for both husbands and wives!). God hasn't called us to do right only when our sweetie is fulfilling our every wish. We each need to exemplify Christ even when – ESPECIALLY when – circumstances are trying, as with a spouse who isn't holding up his/her end of the bargain.

    If you exhibit these behaviors, stop making excuses and start praying for strength to change. If you don't you're exacerbating the problem instead of working towards a solution. Fellas, that goes for us, too.

  8. There is an excellent book (7 Things He'll Never Tell You: . . . But You Need to Know by Kevin Leman) that addresses so many of this article's points but in more detail, addressing the woman's perspective as well as the man's. By pinpointing a man's greatest needs (to be respected, to be needed, to be fulfilled) and a woman's greatest needs (affection, honest, open communication, and commitment to family), Leman describes how each mate can help fulfill each others' needs without injury. It's been so enlightening to me to find out that when my man shuts down or withdraws, it's not because he doesn't care, but it's because he feels like he's failed in this area that's really important to him (like meeting my needs or desires). It's also been really helpful in learning how to effectively love the other person like he best receives love, as well as learning how to encourage, and draw boundaries that lead to change. So glad to read this article and I don't think it's unfair in giving the man's perspective, it's just only focusing on one side of the story and certainly loving husbands will want to be aware of how to avoid injuring their wives.

  9. I agree with everything you have said in this blog. However I strongly feel is goes both ways. Marriage is a 2 way street. I believe a husband does these very 7 things to the wife at times too. I have seen it many times.

  10. I am guilty of everyone of these. So hard sometimes.I have been with him through a drug addiction and him talking to a woman behind my back. Sometimes I just wanted to hurt him the way he hurt m and I guess words were my only way.

    • Beth I hear you. My ex is an alcoholic. Those wounds are way way different than most relationships. Those cut to sense of self worth abuse to the point of extreme loneliness and he caused a ton of it. He then wants you and blames you for all the abuse and takes none of it for himself. Is it ok well no but be kind to yourself all the abuse you are receiving is detrimental to you.

  11. Being married 18yrs to a wounded woman with children has made me not so willing to be married never could get her to trust me even after raising two daughters that grew to not receive my affection because of mistrust and abuse from her recent relationship has made my life hard people don’t talk about abuse that often, I am not perfect but I’ve seen the worse in relationships and always tried to keep positive outlook regardless of the haters who didn’t want to see my success ,we are still trying day by day to find what we lost because she knows I’m a good guy she stays around, but I’ve lost all the desire and can’t find any , got counseling from the church pastor to separate, but still together,don’t think I’ll find it even after having our new baby of 4 yrs we love the baby but nothing else is there any more I’ve been desiring other women over the last few years.

  12. This is an awesome post. I’m bookmarking it so I can read it and keep these things in mind.
    I strive to make my husband’s life a good one. He has been so good to me and I want to be good to him.
    Thank you for your insight to the male mind. And for this post. I wasn’t offended at all. Any woman that truly loves her husband should want to improve herself for him.

  13. This was REALLY convicting and breaking…also made me see just how blessed I really am after reading some of the women's comments. Not saying, "Thank God my life's not like theirs," but rather it's made me really ashamed that I'm not loving my husband better. We have our issues but he is the most undeserved gift in my life. #emotional Going to read the companion post now.

  14. Great advise! I try very hard to live by these already but now that I see it in writing I’m going to print it out so I can have a reminder when needed. I have a wonderful husband and I try to tell him how much I appreciate him frequently. Thank you.

  15. I agree, when I followed all of these and my marriage was 'happy', but we maxed out our credit cards, very little around the house ever got fixed, and I was supposed to be content just hanging out at home while he played video games on the weekends because he couldn't handle the idea of me going out and having fun without him, yet he didn't want to do anything (and you're right, his ego was bruised if I expressed that I wanted anything). I hope i'm not raising a son who's ego is this easily bruised, I'm divorced now and much happier and better able to provide for our children for it.

    • Agreed! Don’t badger a man who needs told several times to do anything, let’s see how anything ever gets done. Just take all your earnings and hire other men to do it, hmmm that won’t make a man feel “injured” just let the house fall apart bc god forbid anyone injure a man who’s lazy already and enable him to be even lazier. What a crock of shit! There are ways to get every single one if these “injuring” behaviors accomplished without injuring anyone at all. You CAN go behind your husband after he’s made the bed and nicely and respectfully express to him that although you appreciate what he’s done you prefer it this way and could he try it. Poor men, they’re so injured.

      • Yep, if your solution to 'feeling bad' is to withdraw and ruminate on how bad your wife makes you feel, maybe a more productive solution would be to man up and go live life well. Self esteem doesn't magically fall into place based on how your wife acts.

  16. Thank you for this. Unfortunately, I am also guilty of most, if not all of these. My husband deserves so much better. I mentally know I need to change my responses, I just hope I can do it overall for him. I wish it could change in the snap of my fingers or go back a few years, he’s truly a great man and I need to be a better wife to him.

  17. Thanks Ron! Most of these I have experienced, I hope she'll read this (without me showing it to her). My wife is a wonderful woman going through some stuff and I know 99% of the time she doesn't do these things intentionally. But that doesn't change the hurt it causes. To the guys out there, the best thing you can do is stay the course, be the man God wants you to be. You don't have to get run over to do that. Hardening your heart will only cause you to have a negative reaction instead of taking a positive action.

  18. You know I read articles like this all the time. 25 ways to show respect to your husband, 10 Marriage Tips Every WIFE Needs to Hear, etc. And I am trying, honestly, I am trying. But, sometimes I wonder, am I kidding myself. Why should I praise every small thing he does. Doesn’t that just enreforce his belief that the minimal effort he puts in is enough? Why should I pretend like it is ok he hasn’t done his own laundry since we’ve been married (or change the sheets, or clean the bathroom, or sweep, or vacuum). He changes the oil (once a quarter), cuts the grass (once a week, 6 months out of the year), shovels snow (once every 3 yrs or so), that’s fair, right? Why should I pretend to be ok with him barely talking to me. I shouldn’t badger him, right? Oh and forget about physical affection, I am supposed to choose joy because I got that 3 second back graze a month ago. How am I not supposed to hold him responsible for my emotional well being when the only thing that makes me sad is my failure to have a happy marriage…The fact that I am not even sure he likes much less loves me. When someone would rather play on his phone than have a conversation with you, sighs in irration the vast majority of times I go for a hug or try to get him to put his arm around me. I try so hard to focus on the good…the fact that he is a good man, with good values, he is a provider. I just wish I knew how to forget/ignore all the rest. Who needs a hug when you don’t have a roof over head or food to eat.

    • You have deeper issues in this marriage. And, yes, you should address them. Counseling is recommended. I wrote today at ronedmondson.com about writing a letter in times like this. This might be an option. But, simplicity won't work in this case. You need serious help for your marriage. Praying for you. 

      • Thank you for the prayers. We have tried counseling. It hasn’t helped yet and last time we went he said he refuses to go back. I need to try the letter thing again (tried it years ago before we were married, had mixed results). He is truly a good man & I am a good woman. I just wish we could stop hurting each other & be happy. Thank you again for the prayers.

    • Your marriage sounds identical to mine not too long ago. Please hang in there! I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but when people say marriage is a commitment, they say that for the hard times. It’s easy to want to stay and be happy when things are good. When things are bad, you have to remember your commitment to this person and work on the problems. There are so many levels that need to be peeled back in a marriage like this. I went through so many phases. I thought I made a mistake. I thought we weren’t compatible. I thought we just didn’t care about the same things. I thought we were just too different. I thought I was never going to have the love of my life. After googling all I could about how to get him to change and ready all these books, I realized the only person I could work on was me. I always spoke to my husband about my attempts to fix our marriage. Lots of things I changed did help tremendously, but here is my personal list of what I believe led to my husband and I feeling like we have the type of love that everyone dreams about.
      1) me becoming and stay at home wife/mom – My husband (I too on many levels) thought there was no way we could afford it, so he was against it. You learn to make adjustments. When you stay home, you feel like it’s your job. I wanted to show him how worthy I was as a house wife and mother that he wouldn’t want me to go back. Those naysayers who think it’s not fulfilling shouldn’t knock it until they try it. As a high school Math teacher, I was a career woman. At first, I did miss the stimulating challenge of constantly trying to find ways to teaching Math to low income students whose scores were the lowest in our state. Since my marriage is happier and I get to be completely involved in my children’s lives and I have friends I get to see more often than I ever would have while I was working, I feel fulfilled. I did pick up tutoring on the side, but I only do it when my husband is home with the kids. My husband feels more appreciated and taken care of now, so he goes out of his way to take care of me now.
      2) My husband is a Type 1 diabetic. One night, his sugar was really low. So low, I thought I might lose him. Once he began to speak logically again, we had a series of shared moments, that I understand can’t be forced, that led to his realizing just how much I loved him. Though as a married couple, you assume your partner loves you, but sometimes we become very insecure and walls go up. I know you can’t simulate a near death experience, nor would I wish it on anyone. What you can do though is imagine what your life would be like if your husband was ripped from your life unexpectedly. What would you miss? What would you wish you would have said? What would you regret not doing? Out of all your problems, what would remain important?
      3) We had a situation where my husband thought I cheated on him. I did not in any way, but his imagination was working overtime. I was not surprised he was mad by the perceived situation since he is very prideful and believed he had been disrespected. It actually made me angry since I had done nothing. This didn’t help. When he began to tear up (he is a bald faced, Duck Dynasty type of guy who doesn’t cry), I realized he was actually hurt. This showed me there was something underneath pride. I was his wife whom he loved dearly and did not want to share. Though that seems obvious, it’s not. It proved he was in love with me. This is exactly what I needed to know.
      After the occurrences above, even though we are both in our 30s, we began to be like crazy, in love teenagers. We still have some of the same problems, but when you have the love and respect you need from your spouse, these other things seem less important. You still address them, but it’s more of a discussion about the actual problem at hand and a solution or compromise as opposed to the lash out that happens because there is hurt and bitterness already lurking.
      Takeaway: Control what you can control. Work on you. Be patient. Hang in there.

  19. Thank you, these describe some if not most of what I do. Its hard to catch yourself in the act and not say or do as you wanted to as a reaction. I’m trying, I really am. Again, thank you for reminding me that I need to work on this. I read the other one and like it as well.

  20. It is such a cool thing that God gave women the power to initiate a change in atmosphere within marriage. Since repenting of disrespect towards my husband at a conference a few years ago and deciding to make an effort to act loving when feeling very unloving / unloved, our marriage has done a 180. After “mastering” some of these, I notice I still give nonverbal criticism with raised eye brow etc. Hard to catch myself but where there’s willingness, God provides grace.

  21. Like it or not…no matter the current political trend is regarding women being equal or superior to me, many women live a double standard life. Things that are okay for them to do and thongs that are not okay to be said or done to them but they dont hesitate one second to say or do the things to men that they dont like.

  22. I have nothing deep to say like some of the other wonderful replies you’ve already received. I just wanted to thank you for writing this. As a newlywed in marriage number 2, I’ve made an honest attempt to be a Godly wife this time around. But you’ve shown me areas that I still need to work on. I realize most women don’t like to be told where they are wrong, but actually I first saw your husbands hurting their wives post shared on a friends page. When I saw it, I immediately craved an article about my shortcomings. Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

  23. I don’t think anyone should look at this article in a negative way. It’s intended for women who, i think, would want to better themselves in any area needed. If it’s not needed in your life or opinion, just move onto the next article. But most women i know are perfectionists in one way or another, and working on bettering ourselves is self progress… NOTHING wrong with that;)

    On another note, I loved this article. I didn’t realise how I do so many of these things and how much of a negative impact this can have on a marriage after years of being married… Thank you:)

  24. I’m guilty of several..and ashamed of myself…I have been trying to make a conscious effort to stop these bad behaviors…ine of my fav sayings is don’t try to change people. .love them..love changes people…I look to these pagea for daily reminders and inspiration because I AM a newlywed and dint know a lot about marriage. .I thank you for your tips advice and uplifting words

  25. This is absolutely right. And I’m guilty of a few of them… I’m trying not to, I guess I felt like for so long he deserved it after the constant pain he caused me. I don’t know what to do!!

    • Short answer. Address it with him in a meeting when both of you are prepared for it, rather than badgering him over and over again. If needed, write a letter. I talked about how to do that on my blog today. Get counseling if warranted. Again, the key is to do what works. Nagging never does. 

  26. Nothing earth shattering here….but great reminders. That being said…I would be sad and hurt if my man did any of this to me too.

  27. This post addresses me as a wife perfectly. I feel like I am guilty of each and every one of these things. How can I correct these actions/habits before I injure him more? I feel like if I talked to him about it, his self worth would be injured even more.

    • Why don't you write him a letter? I wrote how to do that on my blog today. Ronedmondson.com.I promise you he will be validated.

  28. Being a woman with plenty of emotions, I can’t honestly say that in my marriage I have done some of these things if not all of them. This post has made me see that, so thank you for this!! I will definitely take this into concederation and give my husband the encouragement that he needs.

  29. I honestly think this is funny. This is demeaning to a woman and makes her sound like she is a slave to a man. If i have to tell my husband more than once to pick up his crap then yes I get angered. He should have more ownership of the house and not want it to look like crap leaving his stuff everywhere. Also if he doesnt clean correctly yes I will correct him. It is not that hard to put a bit of effort in it and do it right.

      • If one doesn't care how something is done, wouldn't it be easier for that person to do it the way the other prefers it to be done? If one cares and the other has no preference, then the latter could oblige.

    • As women we have to remember that men have there way of Doing things. If we constantly put them down when they are trying to help us, chances are it’s gonna make them not want to help us at all. We’re not supposed to mother them through life, Were so supposed to walk beside them.

  30. Perhaps the most valuable marriage advice I got before my wedding was to eliminate "always" and "never" from my vocabulary in arguments. "You always do this" or "You never do that" are explosive and we don't use them.

    I was glad to see you mention one of those in this post.

  31. I would add, commenting how great another guy looks in front of you. My wife thinks just because he’s a celebrity it’s ok to call him sexy. I did it to her just to make a point and she got very angry. Really? She still didn’t get it.

  32. This is really good advice for myself and my soon to be husband. As we have some problems we are trying to work out before we tie the knot! We were really having a hard time getting along about 2 months ago and really needed some advice and guidance on what to do. I really like that your a Christian
    counselor, myself being Christian. I would really like to do whatever it takes to make it work with my fiance, especially since we have kids together.

  33. I just wanted to add something that I’ve learned and struggle with in my own relationship. I’m a 26 year old woman and have been in this relationship for six years. One thing that we have issues with (this goes both ways) is showing interest in each other’s interest. We tend to just blow each other off when the other discusses something we have no interest in. It hurts, both of us, but at the time we’re not trying to hurt the other. I tend to “tune out” or make an excuse when he wants to tell me about a cool new gadget he’s found just like he ignores me when I’m trying to explain the latest book I’m reading. And because of this we’re struggling with communication. It’s these little things over the years that build up.

  34. Its the wives job to build up her husbands ego, appreciate him, respect him…and by doing that its all in the words she says and the way she says it. He needs that, its just how men are wired. See the good in him, focus on those qualities. If she were to speak negative of him or to him she'll less likely get cherished, loved and adored by him.

  35. I’m glad a friend posted this blog and I had the opportunity to read it. I’m guilty of things on the list and it was hard yet helpful to see it written down. I hope my significant other and I can have a conversation about this to see where he is at. I read both articles you have written on this topic and I wanted to point out one problem I had. I feel both lists go both ways, like you mentioned. It doesn’t have to be a blog about what women and what men do. It can just be a list of things people in relationships tend to do. I recognize this probably also wasn’t intentional, but it’s thinking like this that keeps the gender stereotypes alive. I would encourage people to look at their thinking around significant others in a more broad way. Yes there are biological differences(such as hormones that contribute to different aspects of any relationship) but your “better half” is a person.

  36. Even as a guy who has just been dating a girl for several years, I see these pop up on occasion. It’s kind of relieving to see that I’m not the only one who feels these things from time to time.

  37. I am newly married and I realized as I read I do several of these things. Now I am aware and can make an effort to be better. Thank you for writing this article!

  38. I just have to tell you…….this post was excellent. I an a woman who has been wounded and bitter and have also done the wounding. This was very educational and allowed me to step back and see how he probably feels and that doesn’t make me feel very good. We have been married 15 yrs and its been tough but I’m glad I have a MSN that doesn’t give up on me even though I wanted to give up on him so many times. W are now at a point in our marriage where we are able to truly able to love each other.

  39. this seems like a two way street to me, not just how a wife injures her husband, but the same in return. all of them! especially the one on appreciation, women do lots of work, but because we are so good at multitasking it gets taken for granted everyday, whether we are a working mother or a housewife.

  40. I felt this to apply to me as much as her….thank you..i enjoyed…i found this on facebook unsure of reading it.i plane to share

  41. You know a young 21 year old male, I see this constantly, and it’s honestly the reason I refuse to settle down, I have unfortunately jaded myself through some of my past actions and it’s not easy to trust from causing myself unnessacary pain. I’m trying a new tactic now thought to counteract my past blunders, act like a privilege to be treated as one and it seems to work, I’m glad to have seen the other post on husbands, it seems those behaviors is what I have changed and more, so I am glad to have seen that, it gave me confidence that I’m headed in the correct direction! To the poster, you sir have my respect however I could do without the religious propaganda I do see that you and I have common views at least in this area, it is very refreshing and revitalizing to know my current path is just, I have recently started dating again, I’m with someone who is on the same page in the same book so hopefully this time, the story continues, thank you again for the added “ego” boost

  42. Thank you so much for posting this. I am sad to say, this hit home very hard. After my husband cheated many years ago, I started treating him badly, and I guess he took it all quietly for me, maybe because he felt he had to. Unfortunately, it became a bad habit that stuck and I justified it in my mind. After years of trying to make things right, he says he is closed off and is ready to leave me because of the way I treat him.

    After reading this article, I realized, I do 6 out of the 7 and I am not proud of that. I want my marriage to last, especially since there are 3 incredibly awesome kids involved. After reading this article, I am ready to rid myself of resentment and start loving again.

    Thank you so much, this reached me at just the right time.

  43. I am so blessed to be married to the most amazing, hard working, confident man that God could've chosen for me. Thanks for this post. This list will be posted in a place I can see often. I needed this reminder so I can be the best wife I can for him.

  44. Thank you so much for putting up this post my fiancé and I aren’t married yet but have been together for 2 years living together for a year and a half this post gives me some awesome insight and I am def guilty of prolly everything you posted thank you and I am determined to change the things I do that hurt him. Again thank you

  45. Most women don’t like hearing the things they do wrong. It never feels good knowing you’ve failed, however, it’s necessary so we can grow and develop a stronger relationship with our spouse. Perfection doesn’t exist, but that doesn’t mean we should stop striving for it. If I’m doing something wrong than I want to know about it. Thank you for posting this. It was very insightful and I appreciate the male perspective.

  46. Great topic! Life has its struggles, in many ways married couples have double struggles! After the wedding comes the marriage! God has ordained that the two become one. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves his church, he gave his all for her! Wives are to honor/obey their husbands as the church is to honor & obey Christ. When a husband loves his wife as Christ (the bride groom) loves the church (his bride), why wouldn't the wife desire to honor her husband? As Christians we are commanded to esteem others as greater than ourselves. This runs contrary to the world's way! Thus, we need a steady diet of God's Word that we may learn His truth & will for life/marriage; also constant prayer & regular fellowship with like believers for accountability & strength that we may be able to overcome Satan's attacks! Also remember, husbands, "happy wife – happy life!" If each marriage partner doesn't bring the other along side as his/her equal, it ain't going to work!

  47. I really appreciate your article and that’s coming from a wife that fits 6 out of the 7! Sadly I knew some things I was doing but not all and to the extent. Some of the things like putting down my husband has addressed to me but I thought he was crazy according to the article I do exactly that and didn’t realize that. This article has put my husband’s emotional state of well being into perspective for me so thank you.

  48. I am a woman and I read this article. You want to know what I thought? Very well done. I think every woman should read this article. My husband and I are newly weds and we love each other no doubt, but we do tend to pull away from one another more frequently than we should. After reading this I can understand why. I am guilty of some of these things and after reading this, I know what things I can work on to bring us closer when we do drift apart. Is all the blame on me? No. But I do play my part in this too. When we pull away I can sit down and think, ” have I done any of the 7 things lately?” and try to correct my actions. Thank you for posting this article.

  49. Some of these things are more easily changed than others. For example, it wouldn’t be too hard to stop putting him down in front of other people. However, how do you address the badgering? Whether it’s a husband, child, or wife, badgering only hurts. However, if the other party repeatedly won’t help out when you’ve asked and gives no explanation for why, what choice are you left with? Sometimes badgering is a cause of hurt…. and sometimes, it’s the effect.

    • That's a great question. The key, however, is that it doesn't work…and it does more harm than good, so you have to try something else or keep doing something ineffective that causes damage to the relationship. More of the same will not produce change.As for what works, that's probably as broad a question as what discipline do you use on a child. It is different for every child. And, it will be different for every relationship. Try some things and see what works. I like to have a sit down, turn everything off, heart-to-heart discussion for things like this…as a first try. Then, if that doesn't work…write a letter. If that doesn't work, you may need some counseling to help you get through to each other. There are probably 100's of other ideas. You could let the thing go that you are badgering about…and let the consequences fall where they will. That's tough for someone who wants the clothes picked up off the floor…if that's a problem for example…but after they trip over them a few dozen times (hopefully not that many)…they'll get the hint.

  50. Thank you for this:) I unfortunately am guilty of some of these and it crushes me that I have probably been hurting my hubs for a long time. Definitely not my intention, so thank you for this post:) I appreciate it :) I have been chronically ill for a really long time, so we have struggled, and I hate all the pressure already on him….But thank you for sharing this with everyone. I definitely will make a conscious effort to not do this, because the last thing I want to do is for my husband to feel any kind of pain that I feel :)

  51. Thank you my son sent the link . He see more of what is happening I pray my wife will be open to it . Thank you

    In His love
    John

  52. I realize that most of the points refer to a husband's ego. I am a wife but I disagree that such statements can emotionally hurt a man. These issues which you refer to can be so easily solved by communication. If a wife says or does something offensive to her husband's ego, all he have to do is share his disappointments with her. His failure to do so contributes also to his emotional pain. No relationship is successful or peaceful in the absence of healthy communication. Healthy communication is not only sharing good news and compliments but also bad news and disappointments. If a husband struggles with expressing his disappointments with his wife, this relationship has other issues and the husband has personal issue which he need to address. I do sincerely agree that words and behavior do effect our emotions, but communication can assist in such act not being repeated. And men need to move beyond their ego and look within themselves and the word of God for their purpose in marriage. I never read in the bible about a wife having to support her husband's ego.

    • Well that would be the problem with Christian marriages. All the answers aren’t found in the Bible. Until Christian women realize this and take advice about men, there will continue to be a rising number of divorce in the church. The male ego is quite fragile and as his wife….it’s your job to protect it. I mean, you do expect him to protect you, right?

    • You’re ignoring that men are programmed nearly from birth to mask vulnerability. You’re also ignoring the tendency of repeated injury to cause distance. And lastly, you are committing the crime of blaming the victim instead of putting responsibility on the perpetrator. These are all extremely dangerous and irresponsible. Please, don’t ever be a counselor.

  53. Great article, also at the bottom of this article I recommend the related article, 7 Ways a Husband Injures a Wife…Without Even Knowing It.
    I recommend this not only for husbands and wife’s but to boyfriends and girlfriends.
    It will help you realize how our god designed a man and woman to work.
    Now stop reading this for a few moments and think about the word designed.
    Now I think of an artists paint brush and I would not take it out in the yard and dig a hole with it, that would totally ruin it and I would end up frustrated. Now if you use it for what is was designed for you can create a painting that when you step back and take a good look it brings joy to your heart.
    When you step back and look at your relationship with your spouse would it not be awesome to have joy fill your heart instead of being frustrated.

    When I realized this a while back it crushed me and drove me to my knees in agonizing pain because I realized it a few months to late and that would be after we where Divorced.

    Now how can a man that loves his wife so much it hurts and a woman love her husband so much it hurts end up this way, well in the simplest way I can put it, we took our paint brushes out in the yard and tried to dig a hole with them.

    What I realized and drove me to my knees was the hurt and pain I unknowingly inflicted on my wife.
    Now think about that guys this is real hurt real pain! That she feels.
    For years I brushed off her designed need and desire for me to open up and share myself with her to tell her my feelings as just some silly woman thing. Now if any of you men out there have the phrase
    (silly woman thing) in you vocabulary pleas hit the delete button now and replace it with
    (Designed Need and Desire).

    God is good !

    David Oslund:

  54. Yes I read it, yes I’ve been guilty of some… More often than I care to admit, but I admit… Doesn’t make me mad, angry or ready to tear apart, in any way(3 I wanna thank u fir bringing these to my attention(3 for if not, then I would prob continue to be guilty, until I heard God speak(3 He spoke to me, thru ur blog and I am soo grateful!! I want to make the Love of My Life, The Daddy of My Children, and My Best Friend, Happier than ever imagined(3 Thank u so very much!!! GOD BLESS(3… Love in Christ, Heather(3

  55. Your article was a slap in the face but a much needed one. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, been together for 11 years. Sometimes its easier to not face that maybe I am not as good of a wife as I should be and visa versa. We are the only relationship each other know and when you take into account me being responsible for all 7 of these…it could explain a lot of issues in our relationship.Thank you for your honesty and helpfulness.

  56. Thanks for sharing!!! This is so true and hits home for me. Things I never thought of and we need to do better on building our husbands up emotionally.

  57. I read both of these and I love what you had to say!! I have not even been married a year yet (with my now husband for over 5 years though) and I have to say these are things I am learning. We got together young, had children young, and got married pretty young. He just turned 22 and I am 23 but I believe understanding things like this about him as a man help us mature in our marriage. There are definitely times where I’ve done the things that you’ve mentioned and it is crazy the difference it makes in even a day of our relationship. Being more aware and intentional in the way we treat each other and react to each other is so important. Love these posts!!!

  58. It hurts but so true! I'm a wife married to a lovely and patient man yet I hurt him. I knew what i was doing wrong but didn't admit it really, I always wanted to be right. He is so silent when I kind of tell him off. Now I understand that it's because he is hurt. Thank you for the lesson so much, this is a great reminder. May God help me to humble myself to admit when I'm wrong and to appreciate my husband and love him for who he is. BIG THANK YOU!

  59. Love it!! We've been to counceling and have been working much better as a team raising kids and running a house!! This is a great reminder of pain that is probably still under the surface and needs more tender encouragement :) THANK YOU!!

  60. As I read this, I was reminded that my first wife regularly practiced 4 or 5 of these. I am happily remarried now, and truly blessed with a wife that has not displayed any of these behaviors. (At least that I have noticed) It truly makes a difference in how I feel about our relationship. Also about myself in general. Thanks for sharing.

  61. Having read this post and its companion, I think that it might be a good reminder that these are ways that damage a child as well. Parents can be some of the most judgmental people in the world, and they do these very things to their children.

  62. One thing was left out. Not showing him any respect. For a man to have the respect of his wife means the world. For him to not have it drags him down in every area of life faster than just about anything.

    Just my 2 cents. Great post! :-)

  63. Apryl, It really depends on the particulars of your situation, but I'm pretty sure destroying him emotionally isn't a viable solution. Your husband may be a piece of work. I don't know. Most of us have areas where we could use discipline. In general, though, what I have observed is that when things are equitable both husband and wife tend to feel like it's unfair. So as a rule of thumb, if it seems fair, then you probably aren't giving enough. If it seems unfair, then you are being like Christ. Rest in him.

    • "If it seems unfair, then you are being like Christ. Rest in him." Wow. What a great point. My husband isn't a piece of work, I probably should have reworded my post. It's just moments in time that he gets on my last nerve, but it's usually when I'm not choosing patience. Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate it.

  64. While these topics are about what a man (husband) needs from his wife or how he feels, what is this suppose to do to help a marriage? You are addressing only one person in that marriage. This is not meant to be ugly or derogatory. It is a very serious need to know question. How do you respond to that? How does the wife do all these wonderful things to help her husband when it is all about what HE needs. I guess I don't get it.

  65. I just want to say thank you for both the wife and husband hurting each other posts. I’m not married yet as I find my fiancee puts me down a lot and I’m planning on having him read both those posts as to me they were inspiring. I’ve been on bed rest for a day and only ordered to be on for two and he chooses to go out with his friend instead of being with me and helping me out. I have a 3 yr old and a boy on the way due in march. I’m just hoping your post will touch him as it touched me.

    • Ashley, you may want to consider going to a good pre-marital counselor about your finance putting you down a lot. Even if he changes temporarily from reading these posts, the problem is probably much deeper than these posts can address. If he is critical now, he will be more critical once you are married.
      Marriage and kids magnify the good but also magnify the problems. You will definitely appreciate getting the criticism part solved prior to marriage.
      My marriage started off on a crumbly start because of a critical spirit (among other things)… and we've been battling a lot over the last 5 years. I really wish that my marriage had started off on a happier note. :)

  66. We do and say a lot without even knowing the impact it has on the ones we love and care about. Me and my wife of 5 years are guilty of most of these things to a point that we aviod talking about issues. Sometimes we would go as far as 2 weeks without communicating because of this and this is negetively affecting our marriage, worse of all we dont stay together because of work. I love my wife very much and I really like our marriage to work out, so I’m going to do the best I can to make it work. Thanks guys.

  67. I can definitely relate to this. I know I'm guilty of some or most of them and try to stay away from it.
    I think the "Complain about what you don't have or get to do" can also apply to the men tho. This has been an area in our marriage where I am the one who is wounded. If my husband isn't happy where we're living (military) or with the car he's driving etc it makes me feel like I"ve somehow failed as a wife b/c he's not happy.

  68. This post really helped me. I’m not married yet, but i am living with my fiancee. I hadn’t realized how much i was already hurting him and we’re not even married yet. I will take this post and let it help me throughout our relationship. Thank you!

  69. I read your article, and then the comments, and it seems to me that most of the comments should be attached to your companion article, "7 Ways a Husband Injures a Wife…Without Even Knowing It". Ladies, if you truly own that you are guilty of the above, why do you then turn around and put int back on your husbands? Just curious. It would make more sense, if you see yourselves doing this to your husbands, to take ownership of the problems, and try to make changes in your own behaviors.

  70. My husband and I have been married for a year in February. Thank you for posting this. We have been having some issues lately, and I actually do… well, honestly, all of these things. He isn't the type to TELL me when I do something wrong, though, so I guess I didn't realize what a large impact it all had on him. I needed to hear it from an outside perspective. Again, thank you!

  71. As a woman who is getting prepared to be married in December, I want to say thank you for your wisdom and for sharing! I am guilty of several of these things and I am going to share this with my fiancé so we can talk these things out in premarital counseling. I know that we are imperfect people and that we won’t know everything before we get married, but it’s very nice to read this and see what I can be working on before and during our marriage. Thanks again!

  72. I wish I had seen this before my husband and I separated. I am guilty of several of these and want to fix things but I think he damage has already been done… I am hoping by me working on myself shows him I am willing to be a better wife.

  73. I just have to commend my wife at this point for not being guilty of these things at all. If anything, she apologizes if she has to remind me of something more than a couple of time. I tell her it's okay because she also knows my memory isn't very good. She expresses appreciating when I do something around the house, whether I did it the "right way" or or not. But really, as long as it gets done, she doesn't care how it got done. If she uses the "you always" phrase, it's to tell me something that I do all the time that she appreciates. God has richly blessed me with this queen among women and our children's spiritual development shows the fruits of her sacrificial giving in the family. I only pray that I am as good a husband for her as she is a wife for me.

    • I pray that God can use me to this degree in my own husband's life. And that someday he will call me his queen. Your comment is truly a beautiful representation of the Proverbs 31 woman where it says her husband rises and calls her blessed, and how she is praised at the city gates. She is a true Proverbs 31 woman and one that I strive to be like. I'd love to shake her hand and tell my sister in Christ "Thank you for being a role model of a woman who is hard to find in today's modern times." Tell her for me, please. Thank you.

  74. Yep I’m guilty of some of these. I will say I have and never will put my husband down in public or private. nor will I call him on his flaws. but I do go behind him when he misses spots on dishes, or cleaning in general, but he does it to me as well lol. I do however constantly nag about things he doesn’t do that would be a huge help on me. being a full time wife and Mom of 3 is hard and someone else doing the dishes or laundry or anything now and then is a huge help, even if its just once a week. so I’ll give some advise for all hard working husbands and dads, help her out once in a while, we really do appreciate it even if we forget to thank you.

    • Wow well I should be very thankful because my husband helps me out with all the baby bottles and the dishes if needed!!

    • I just have to say this. If you are a stay at home wife and mother, you should handle all those jobs. The children and all the housework, cooking etc is YOUR job. Your husband should not have to work hard, bring home the money and pay all the bills and then have you ask him (or tell him) to do parts of your job. That's just not right.

      • Dawn, that means my husband would work 9-5 Monday through Friday and be done. I, however, would work from 7 am to 8pm every day, seven days a week. Does that seem right to you? I work all day taking care of our children and our home, just like he works all day outside of the home. Then when he comes home, we work together until the children go to bed. That means sometimes he cooks dinner, because I've had a terribly stressful day and need a break. Or washes the dishes. Or helps fold laundry. The scenario you describe would lead to incredible imbalance of work, which is certainly not healthy in any relationship. I would ask that you consider this before you tell people what their relationships and jobs "should" look like.

        • Well, I am a stay at home Dad with 4 children. I gave up my career after our 4th so that I could make sure they where raised at home and not in a Day Care. My wife is an executive and works 12 hours on a normal day but a lot of the time puts in 16 hours. I do all of the duties a mom would do, house cleaning, cooking, laundry, ect. Typically I get my work done around noon and eat lunch with my kids and play with them, from around 1pm to 330pm I get my gaming time in or do what ever I want. At 345pm when my oldest gets home from school, I discuss what he learned and help him out with any homework. At 5pm I start making dinner preparations. After dinner I clean up, then the rest of the night is my time. My point is, I don't ask my wife for any help because I dont feel like I need any. Im not saying you are weak if you can't handle it on your own, but I do feel that a stay at home parent's responsibilities aren't as stressful or hard as being the sole provider for your family. There is no reason why you can't keep things in order by maintaining them 3 or 4 hours a day. The rest of your job is taking care of your kids, which should be your favorite part.

          • That's great for you, but it's certainly not the experience that everyone has. I love being a SAHM, but it is hard work. My husband would absolutely say that my job is harder than his. I have three children, none of them are in school, and we plan on homeschooling when they're old enough. So, like I said, fantastic for you that you have it all down and everything always runs smoothly, but my point is that there is nothing wrong with both parents helping each other with the children and the house. Comments like Dawn's are not kind, or helpful, or frankly even well-intentioned. And I have to point out, you say your wife works 12-16 hour days. So of course you have to do it all, because there is no one around to help you. I can't imagine you would be so happy about doing everything if your wife worked a standard 8 hour work day and then came home and sat around on the couch watching TV while you did everything else.

  75. Wow I am a wife and this is really good information . We have been arguing more than usual and after reading this , I now see that it could very well likely be the things I do and say! Now that I’ve read this im going to definitely try to change the way I say somethings. Thank you so much for this information!

  76. Thank you for the insight! After being married to my husband for almost 20 years, I know I have been guilty of all these things, at one time or another. I am also happy to say that over the years, I have learned to be conscience of how to avoid doing them. Most of these are plain common sense….for me, anyway. For other people, not so much. I think I've learned a lot just by watching the way other couples treat each other. Most seem absolutely clueless and its really sad. If you are lucky enough to find someone as willing to work on a marriage as you are, it makes life so much more rewarding. We've had difficult times, but things always seem to be better when we BOTH focus on what the other wants instead of getting stuck in taking care of ourselves.

    • Absolutely, I think this is the point exactly. These are good things to keep in mind and try not to do, and I do recognize them as things I have done (but now try not to) and things that women do tend to do. Now I could sit here and try to justify my own wrongs by pointing put all the things wrong about my husband, but thats not helpful or productive…the point is that we are both trying, and that I must take responsibility for my own behavior

  77. Maybe it wasn’t your intent in the blog, but it seems sarcastic when you say things such as “always show him you can do things better than he can do things, he will appreciate that.”

    sarcasm probably isn’t appropriate when giving advice to people about what NOT to do. Some people may misconstrue your meaning.

    Just trying to offer some constructive criticism. Thank you for the blog.

  78. Well this post is helpful.. Am not a wife yet but it definately helps me in preparation to be one some day.. I kindly request that your wife posts 7 ways to injure a wife without realising here too.. I think its only fair lol

  79. I am sure every word is correct and I fail many times in these areas. I notice a real diffrence

    In my marraige when I do get it correct!! Ladies the change is beautiful I just mention I wanted some romance I woke up to a coffee creamer my favorite and fllowers in my refrigorator which ment he was out way after work and midnight to get them for me! To be fair in counseling with a wonderful christian Greg Williams who is all about saving marraige.

    GOD RESPECT LOTS OF HARD TIMES AND WORK BUT SO WORTH IT .

    Thanks David for the reminder

    It’s so true

    Diana

  80. Thanks for the reminder. Coming from a previously wounded woman, who is about to get married in May 2014, I will definitely do my best to remember what I read here today.

    😊

  81. I am guilty of all of these and I needed this reminder. I could try to excuse myself by pointing out all of my husband's flaws, but that would just further my sin. Were it not for Christ, I would have left my husband awhile ago. I do not like being the breadwinner and the housekeeper both. I want kids and feel like time is running out, but I have to give that up for now because he doesn't want them any time soon. I am not happily married, but I am married. I keep reminding myself that, though my union on earth seems unfair, my union with Christ is even more so. I do nothing for Christ; He does everything for me. So, for His sake, I can live through anything, even a marriage that doesn't make me happy. Christ is more interested in my sanctification. I hope that that will come as I learn to love and respect the nan in my life.

    • Lucy! If you're not happy you can get out. This man is obviously not the man Christ wants for you. Christ wants you to be happy in all facets of your life. Let Him help you to move on to a better place in your life. My heart broke for you as I read your post. I will pray that you do find happiness and peace…even if that means walking away from the life you know. Close the door on this chapter of your life because when you do, God will open a beautiful window with amazing opportunities. God bless, Lucy. I'm praying for you.

      • Why are you advocating divorce? You don't know the situation and for you to be advocating that is just ridiculous. I am sorry if you have been hurt in the past and feel you need to be the voice of "strength" for all women in less than perfect situations but, there are families at stake here, not just individuals. If you are truly a sister in Christ then you should be encouraging Lucy to continue looking to Christ and to work towards counseling with her husband. By the way, you are not applying scripture correctly when eluding to closing a door and having God open another one – you are only trying to rationalize a very real action that carries severe consequences.

      • Yeah, that's what Jesus said. "Come to me and I'll make you happy all the time." He did, however, say that those who wish to follow Him must die daily, take up their cross, serve everyone, etc… Nowhere do I see Jesus promising an earthly life of comfort, happiness, etc… In fact, he promises the opposite. And he also says that if anyone divorces their spouse and marries another, except for infidelity, it's adultery. This life is short and marriage is supposed to be a picture of the relationship between humans and Christ. Good grief, go read Hosea for goodness sakes.

      • God says He hates divorce and see what it does to families, that's why God hates it. she is not going to be much better on hwer own as in she ll still want to get married or be in another relationship n the truth is that every one has its challenges even the best of marriages. while its not appealing to be in this situatiin , as a child of God you show do the will of God.
        1st believe that things can n will get better and thank God in d 1st place for His goodness over or life.
        2nd locate scriptures if God promises for your home n pray/speak it into your home
        3 start to act like its better while thanking God that its already better.
        we r children of God n we should live an extra ordinary life after d Spirit of God.

    • Well my wife makes more than me but that doesn't bother me, we both have roles in our home, but my wife never has to cook clean wash are mop lol cause i get home first. I could care less about who made what… we are in this together but in your case I hope you talked to him about it. My wife had to sit me down cause I didn't realize what I was doin.talk to him not at him if nothing changes(&it wont overnight) separate the thought of really loosing you might jump start him

  82. I agree with the ways a wife injures her husband, and I'm guilty of many. I've been married to the same man for more than 30 years, and I spent the majority of it as his "cheerleader", encouraging him, going along with his decisions, etc., all while he's looking at other women inappropriately, partying, etc. I finally reached that explosive point because he wasn't showing me respect. I used to say he doesn't return the same to me, but now I call it RESPECT. We're still together, and I've come to realize that I'm responsible for my behavior and communication toward/with him, and through my changes in me, he's now learning how to be more respectful of me. I know he has always loved me, but being taken for granted and disrespected is not okay, and I finally let him know. On the other hand, it's not okay for me to say and do things that hurt him either, and I'm still working on pushing out the hurt and betrayal so I can move forward. I started going to a Christian counselor for myself, and it has helped me in so many ways. I love and care about him, and I also need to take care of myself and my well-being.

  83. I love them for it but I've never asked for a handout in my life and I don't ask for help until I am way over my head. (It's that stubborn streak I was born with ~ LOL) I would never ask anyone for money and I didn't ask for this either. I simply burst into tears and wanted to crawl in a hole. I am in no way perfect, never have been and never claimed to be, but it's very hard to have or show respect for someone who's not providing for his family and only wants to do what's FUN, thereby letting others take care of his responsibilities as a grown up. Maybe if we had some medical insurance (we do NOT qualify for Medicaid because we made too much LAST YEAR!!) we could see a Counselor and get some help. I'm at the end of my rope but can't afford to buy one!!

  84. I'm in the exact same boat you are in Martha. My husband has "always been" the type to 'ignore' the kids when they need discipline but be their biggest playmate when it was 'Fun Time', making ME the Parole Officer and resident Bad Guy ~ a role for the Head of the House both in and out of Scripture. He ignores things to get out of doing them, whether it's the kids fighting, paying bills (Which he has never done!), fixing a leaky faucet, letting a fallen tree limb lay in the front yard for over a month, etc. I would never have used the word "lazy" to describe him 20 years ago. Now, however?!?!?!? He lost another job back in September (2nd job in 4 years) and is at this moment sitting 5 feet from me watching tv at noon on a Thursday (his present occupation, along with playing the PS3) instead of looking for a job that will pay enough for us to be able to Insure our 3 children. Another Head of the House Responsibility. This past Christmas, I was handed both gift cards and cash from some of our church family members who only wanted to help us out and I never knew what it was like to be utterly humiliated until that moment.

    • Given the change across the years, he might need to consider testosterone boosters such as heavy resistance exercise. Age lowers testosterone levels and as they go, so can a man's sense of efficacy / potency (broadly defined). He might enjoy Superhumanradio.com because it is a podcast hosted by a man in his fifties who talks about this topic and related ones. I promise I am only a fan of the show, although I am in my 30s.

    • As a thought, do you have any job skills that would allow you to work? I'm currently a stay at home mom, so I do understand that roll. And, I also get the thought process of it being the head of households job to support the family. But, I am of the firm belief that when it comes to supporting a family and children, that falls on both parents who chose to have kids. And, while it is less than ideal that your husband is in the situation he is in, and I hope he comes out of it, for you to not go to work or try to pick up the extra for the kids sake, you are just as responsible for the children not having healthcare. You may not have to support him, but you do still need to support your kids. Even if it's 2 part time jobs to make up full time hours, it's not perfect, but some money in to pay the bills and put food on the fable is better than no money at all.

  85. This was written for me. I am guilty of every one of those, especially recently. For the first years of marriage, I tried really hard to be the good supporting Christian wife. Out of respect for my husband, I didn't talk to anyone when I was upset, to my emotional and spiritual detriment. I've had enough, and now I'm talking. After years of emotional and sometimes physical neglect, I am now too emotionally injured to care what he thinks. My dreams of being a stay at home mom are crushed, as I had to become the sole provider when he wouldn't look for another job, after first quitting one and the next company closing. Now he's too comfortable and has no desire for the responsibility of providing. (He might express that differently, but he's certainly not comfortable with me not earning a paycheck!) My point? This works both ways. The nagging thing? If it's asked more than once, it's important. If you ignore something that is important to us, it tells us we're not important. If we are not important to you, then why should you and your feelings be important to us? I get we all have bad days, but when days turn into months and years the message is loud and clear.

    • I am a little confused. You say that it was written for you, but proceed to say what appears to be the opposite. What am I missing here?

      • "Hitting the road" isn't the answer either. Unfortunately in today's society that has become an all too frequent and a quick reaction to feeling unhappy. Coming from a broken marriage I can tell you, the grass IS NOT greener on the other side of the fence. It's just different. Divorce should be the absolute last option because it has lasting and broad impacts to a family. Issues should be discussed and worked on in counseling – of course both parties must be willing. Please don't look to "jump ship" just because you don't want to enable him; that's just absurd and totally contradicts the spirit of this well written article. Women, the author has also written an article of the 7 things that men unknowingly do to their wives that injure them (I read that one first by the way). I agree with it and can say I have done all 7 things to my ex-wife. I can also say if, we are all too concerned about what other people do or don't do to us or for us, it is a lose lose situation. We need to turn the mirror on ourselves and work on our challenges and that will bring change from other people. Do unto others, right?

        • There are two things keeping me: first, our children, and second, God calls us not to divorce. Unfortunately, there have been a couple times when I would have left anyway, but there's no way I could afford childcare, and he does provide that, even if it's not always the quality I would like (he's big on fun and tv, less so on discipline, chores, homework, and reading). He has his better times, and I need to focus more on those. I definitely have things to work on, and I'm trying, but it's very hard and discouraging when so many things about him convey the message that he'd rather be single with no responsibilities. The TV–whether it's shows, movies, sports, or video games–is usually much more important than interacting as a family (dinner at the table, board/card games, even just adult time together). And letting him have uninterrupted time to himself just seems to make it worse, instead of better. The things that I think are important to family life mean nothing to him, and he has no interest. I just really struggle with not taking that personally, and usually fail.

          • I didn't come away with that impression, and I don't think any others did either. Relationship issues are a lot more complicated than that, and will not be solved with simple fault finding. You are looking at a snapshot in time, things did not start out this way, and there are certainly wrongs on both sides. This marriage clearly is not modeled biblically, which is not entirely her fault. Her husband would have to accept his part in the breakdown as well. On the other hand, your tone sounds very hostile and bitter, like you take her situation personally. Are you sure you aren't spilling your own personal issues upon this OP?

          • Nobody is perfect. I would encourage counseling for sure. I would also encourage you to start with making a list of all the reasons you fell in love with him, then list your biggest problems. Then the two of you could sit down and begin with small steps in working out what you need to do to get back to being happy with each other. Sounds like you are also taking too much blame for the relationships problems. Nobody is perfect, no relationship is perfect, however, by verbalizing in a non confronting manner might help…"I feel when I come home and the kids are running like wild Indians that the children are not learning discipline…." for example (which may or may not be a problem, just an example.) When I speak to my partner I tell him how I feel, and then this is why and what do you think we need to do to fix it? But once again I would strongly urge you to speak to your priest, a counselor, etc…and get professional help. Good luck to you and your husband and God Bless you as well.

    • Sometimes I think wives forget that they made a CHOICE to marry their husbands. Most of the time, character issues can be identified during dating/courtship. It's important to listen to the little voice in your head. Ignoring it but being surprised to see those character issues worsen with age (and then complaining about it) doesn't really make sense. This is why choosing a mate wisely is so very important.

    • Interesting how Martha admits the article convicted her, yet in her reply continues to exhibit some of same behaviors/attitudes identified as destructive.