7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband – Without Even Knowing It

counseling distressed couple

I was talking to a man the other day. He’s injured. Not severely. He will survive. Hopefully. The wounds aren’t deep. Right now. But, he is injured.

It’s an emotional injury. Sometimes those are the worst kind of hurts.

The person doing the injuring: His wife.

And she – most likely – doesn’t even know she’s doing it.


I’m not. It happens all the time. She’s probably injured too. And, he doesn’t even know he’s doing it to her. Marriages are made of two very different, imperfect people. Plus, we often injure most those we love the most.

My friend is newly married. Over the course of the last few months he’s began to realize how many things his wife is saying and doing that are causing him to pull away from her. He even recognizes his reaction as a defense mechanism. Rather than start a fight, he withdraws. And, he’s withdrawn to the point that he was willing to admit his hurt – which is difficult for any man to do. I was proud of him for being humble enough to ask if this was normal in a marriage.

It didn’t take long before I realized, however, this marriage is heading for disaster if they don’t address their issues soon. There’s a great chance she has questions about the relationship also. Thankfully, they’re in a great season to ask hard questions – learn valuable lessons – and strengthen the marriage.

I should be clear. This is not a counseling blog. And, this couple needs counseling. Even though I have a degree in counseling, this is simply a blog where I want to help people. Mostly that’s by addressing leadership issues, but sometimes I address the issues dealing with relationships – families – marriage – children. Because, those issues impact us all. And, our leadership.

Which led me to this post – addressing the ways wives injure their husbands – without even knowing it. I realize this works both ways. As a man, I feel most prepared to address this side of the issue. I consulted with my wife for the companion post 7 Ways a Husband Injures His Wife…Without Even Knowing It.

Here are 7 ways a wife injures her husband (without even knowing it):

Put him down in front of other people – Most men will not counter this type of humiliation in public – if ever. They will simply take it – and hurt. If they do eventually address it it will be out of stored up resentment – maybe anger – and it won’t be pretty.

Go behind him when he tries to do something at home – When you always show him how much better you can do things than he can do them, his ego is injured. When he fixes the bed – for example – and you follow behind him showing him the “correct way” immediately after he finishes, he is reminded he doesn’t measure up to your standards.

Constantly badger him – If he doesn’t do what you want him to do and you remind him. Again. And, again – never accomplishes what you think it will. In fact, it injures him with the opposite result.

Use the “you always” phrase…excessively – Because, he “always” does. Not really, but when you accuse him that he always does – sadly, it only helps build him into a man that always will.

Hold him responsible for your emotional well-being – Acting as if he’s the reason you feel bad today – and every other day you feel bad – puts undue pressure on him he doesn’t know what to do with. And, you don’t have to tell him. Subtly, just be in a bad mood towards him…without releasing him from guilt. He’ll take the hint and own the responsibility. He will think it’s his fault even if it’s not. And, he caries the pain.

Complain about what you don’t have or get to do – He has a desire to fix things. He wants to be a provider. Every man does. Some attempt to live it out and some don’t. But, when he’s trying, doing the best he can, yet he feels he isn’t measuring up – he’s crushed. When you are always commenting on what other women have – that you don’t – he carries the blame – even if you’re not intending it to be his.

Don’t appreciate his efforts – Want to injure a man? Refuse to appreciate the things he feels he does well. It could be work, a hobby or a trait, but he feels part of his identity in the things he does. When you don’t find them as “valuable” as he does, his ego is bruised.

The reality is a man’s ego – self-confidence – sense of worth – is greatly tied to his wife. Just as a woman’s is to her husband. We can be fragile people. Some more than others. And, some seasons more than others. Understanding these issues and addressing them – with a third party if necessary – build healthier, stronger and happier people and marriages.

I understand some women, especially the equally or more wounded women, are going to take offense to this post. I get that. I’m prepared for that – I think. All I can say is that you can’t measure my heart or my intention. As I said, I aim to help. You can’t address what you do not know. If you are guilty of any of these, the response is up to you. If not, well, thanks for reading to this point in the post anyway.

I’m praying this lands on ears that need to hear.

For a similar post, click HERE

(Note: I used this post in a message I preached on marriage. You can view it HERE. Also, I wrote a parenting version of this post about ways parents injure a child. Read it HERE.)

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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427 thoughts on “7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband – Without Even Knowing It

  1. Wow. This goes BOTH ways. This article is very sexist. Who wrote this, a man? How about not counting on others to make you happy. Or else; you will not ever be happy. Being happy is the individuals responsibility, according to Buddha.

  2. Thanks for this article. Now i know why I’m always sad when I’m with her. I have reached the age where I dun want to express my emotions anymore., even my facial expressions seems so cold in front of the mirror or photo. I thought its mid life crisis comes early. For those guys who wrote their feedback, thanks for the affirmation that I’m not alone.

  3. This was very good reading. I read both the her/him. I am the husband and after reading this I found that I did some of these things well and I found that there are things I need to work on, on these I am ok but it sure would not hurt to brush up on and keep a closer eye on. I think that for the man/husband there is one hurt that you may have over looked. That being sex. My wife and I have not ” made love in 13 mo’s”. About two years ago I was found to have cancer in my prostate. I don’t want to go into all of this online. But I am not the way I used to be. Things still happen sexually, but just not to where or like it used to. I love my wife more than life it’s self and would do anything I could for her and I believe/ know that she feel this same towards me. It’s one of these she hurts me and she don’t know she hurting me. We have talked many, many times over these pass 6 mos. But in this one things we don’t seem to be getting back to at least a little ground. We are a Christian family, and I am also a pastor, but I am not in a church as a pastor right now. To be fair I can understand how my wife feels. As I said I will never get back to where I was. But things could happen if given a chance.

  4. Thank you for this article. I don’t know about the older generations, but I grew up with hearing all about how a man should treat a woman. Saw it in the media. The way it’s portrayed is like, “if there’s a marital problem, the guy is doing something wrong.” Or, “if the man does everything he’s supposed to, then the woman will automatically do the right thing.” But that’s not reality. I think women have latched onto that erroneous message too. So when things get rough they think it’s all the guys fault… And let him know too. The fact is, BOTH parties need to learn how to treat the other. It’s truly unfortunate that so much is written in an unbalanced way. Things like, the ten things a man needs to do to make her wife happy. In the movies too, it’s the guys job to win over the affections of the woman. He “wins her heart,” and the movie ends. Young people then walk away thinking that love is defined by how much effort a man puts in, without mentioning the efforts the woman needs to make to keep things going. In other words, my generation is absolutely saturated with messages on how to understand women. But there’s very little in the way of helping women understand and treat her man.

  5. Doesn’t a husband bear some responsibility for his wife’s happiness? My husband can be very cruel, and resorts to name-calling and threats whenever he is angry. I have talked with him about this, and told him how deeply this affects me long after he is done raging, but it continues. It’s difficult to feel happy or loved when your spouse chooses to behave this way.

  6. This is exactly what happened in my marriage. I was always told how other men did this and that. Was constantly belittled in front of freinds and family. Was cheated on and lied to, and was told that she did nothing wrong, that I deserved it. She always considered her life as being more important than mine, how people depended on her, why, if she didn’t exist, nothing would get done. I asked her to leave, I’ll take the house, cause it’s a lot to do , plus joint custody. I got it. Now I have to argue with her to take the boys on Mother’s Day, cause she’s got something to do.

  7. My husband isnt very open about his feelings and avoids these kinds of discussions but things have been tense between us for a little while now, and today he accused me of always putting him down and constantly reminding him that he does nothing for our future – this is due to circumstances currently out of our control.

    Having read this article, I can definitely see how my actions have affected him. The question now is, what can I do to fix the things I said or pull him back up so to say? Any advice would be appreciated.

  8. This is an excellent article, unfortunately so many women lose their husbands because they are an emotional wreck. Fussing, nagging, complaining, not appreciative, etc.

  9. I do everything for my wife come take her out buy her whatever she wants treat her like a queen bring breakfast ro bed that how she continues to me how bad I am that I did this one when I give her money try to fix something then you don’t know how to fix try to please her in every possible why she rejects me she pushes me away she tells me that I’m at fault everything that i do what do i do at this point

  10. I just want to say I am struggling but appreciate this article.

    I won’t lie I think I’m perfect lol.

    I am a people pleaser, but I look at it this way. A couple years ago I was considered obese, I lost 45 lbs since then. When I was obese i truly thought I was eating healthy. When I stopped and wrote down what i was eating, then looked at it, my diet was horrible! I was shocked. Then I fixed it and truly ate healthy.

    Maybe a lot of ladies like myself see our best side. And need to just really evaluate our actions, and make sure weather it’s nagging, or asking politely repeatedly that or actions aren’t inflicting pain. You can call them crispy potatoes strips or French fries. The name doesn’t change their caloric value or what happens to your body if you consume too much. We can only change ourselves and our actions. When reading this article we should take away our husbands needs not our own. That can be found on the other article.

  11. Wow, a lot of women in here using phrases like “men supporters”… and explaining how they “ask” their husbands to do chores reapetedly and how it annoys them… Not even acknowledging how insightful this makes the article… But… they use it as a platform to selfishly convince the world of their misery… Again In a blog about men’s feeling being hurt by their wives.

    Inappropriate and selfish that is.

    Firstly let some husbands have some feelings, sheesh. If they didn’t you be nagging them about it.

    Secondly…Like we’re not allowed, ha! Lighten up and smile once in while before its all over.

    Thirdly, Irony is, I found this article by searching the phrase “my wife has no feelings of her own, anytime I say how I feel during an important heart to heart, she just says she feels the same and that I do the same thing”

    No acknowledgement. Steals my thunder. Wait… I came to you and was trying to tell you how I feel, but now it’s about you and how you feel accept lazier… You didn’t even have to come to me and you didn’t even have to say anything Genuine.

    If I try to feel anything she just swoops in and takes that feeling from me, otherwise never stating one for herself that didn’t first come from me.

    Like the prudes that view this article as an attack saying men aren’t allowed to have feelings… My wife’s actions above say to me… I’m not allowed to have feelings… If I share them they will be confiscated and used against me in some war I’m not even fighting in… More a sideline casualty.

    Scary part is in writing out my problem it makes her sound like a high functioning phsycopath incapable of feelings.

    Huh. Not dead yet.

    Anyhow… Good luck “men (not?) supporters” dont spend an entire life taking yourselves too seriously, especially since your responses are so hilarious… Really, you should listen to your responders request to read your own words out loud… Good stuff.

  12. Wow I’m a fascinated by how many women have hijacked this thread to vent about their lazy husbands because try can’t imagine another couple in which the man is persistently put-down.
    I’ve basically given up on finding any source or neutrality on the internet to discuss this topic with as there is essentially no grey area between hysterical “activists” on both sides of the x-y divide.

  13. I am the wife, but my husband does these things to me regularly. It has ruined our marriage. I will also say that if a husband doesn't want to be badgered, he can get off his duff and do what he said he was going to do. No badgering would then be required. And if I have something I need to be completed a certain way, I am pretty sure he is smart enough to learn it. So then I would not need to go back to remake the bed properly. I will end up making the bed myself anyway, cause I can't sleep in it the way he makes it, but he does not care. Not completing tasks in ways that please your spouse, when you have the ability to do so, is unacceptable.

  14. I know I am guilty of a few of these, I really am. I recognized them myself quite a while back. I’ve done my absolute best to avoid it, and truthfully, it made ME feel better to know that I was trying to avoid hurting him in any form. That being said – as well as he treats me, and as much as I dote on him and treat him with respect; he can’t seem to get it make an effort with me.

    I know I “remind” him frequently about things that need to be done. By frequently, I mean I reminded him about twice a year about taking time off to replace our roof, which we had materials for, for around three years, all while our roof was leaking for 5. When reminding him, I never made a big deal out of it, although I was afraid our roof would cave in at every rain. The final time I “reminded” him, it became a nasty fight, because this time I was angry. A photo of my mother who died when I was only 6, was damaged beyond recognition when the roof leaked on it while we were gone and I had no copies. I didn’t say anything more than the truth; he had 3 years to fix it, but he chose to spend his weekends fishing with his grandfather or fixing his dad/friend/3rd cousin twice removed’s car, or helping another friend put on his metal roof. That to me, all these other people were more important than his own family of course, he was angry that I was angry, and obviously I had no reason to be. It was only a photo that I could never replace. No nevermind that I hadn’t said a word about everything else that had been lost when the roof leaked, none of that counted. He replaced the roof within the next month, on a weekend, but he cursed and ranted the entire time. Our kitchen faucet has been leaking on top of the sink for 10 years. We’ve already had to replace the counter top and entire sink insert cabinet because of it, and I have to use those blue shop towels behind it to soak the water up, and wring it out twice a day, so that it will soak up more water. We bought a new faucet last February…it is still in it’s brand new package on the shelf in my closet. I’ve said something twice: when we bought it (obviously) and tonight. I asked him if he thought he would have time to replace it sometime soon, because it was leaking worse recently, and I was having to wring the towel out twice a day, and keep a plastic bin under the sink to catch the stray water, and I had to empty it about every 2 weeks. He never answered me. So, I asked again, just as a normal conversation. I wasn’t upset, at the time. He snapped at me “YES baby! I will MAKE time.” I said there was no need to yell, and he come back at me with “well damn! Just over and over and over!” He broke my heart. I’m still not even mad; I’m hurt. This is how it ALWAYS happens. He gets angry because I politely ask him when he’s going to get around to something. Sometimes he gives me a timeframe, and I remind him when that timeframe is up: he still gets mad. Other times he doesn’t and just states he will get to it. I don’t want to nag, so I just don’t say anything until it’s been an extremely long time and I just figure he’s forgotten, since he’s had many weekends of couch-sitting sessions where he did absolutely nothing and obviously had time. We can’t afford to pay a contractor to deal with any of this, and for the record, he’s with me and I ask him if he can do it, or wouldn’t mind BEFORE the purchases. He’s not an egotistical person by any means or stretch of the imagination, but he NEVER admits fault. He either ignores me totally or turns it around on me, as being somehow my fault that he acts the way he does when he hurts me. He really is a wonderful husband and I love him with everything I have inside me. I don’t want to hurt him, or make him feel “less of a man”, because he is my world. I just don’t know how to deal with this. He won’t go to a counselor, he said he would just divorce before he would invite someone else in. I feel as if he’s afraid someone else will see what I have said, and he just won’t face his shortcomings. Maybe it’s just that he can’t stand the thought of not fixing these things for his family, after he said he would, or frustrated that he didn’t remember they NEEDED to be done or whatever. But, when he snaps at me for reminding him, and explaining WHY I reminded him, then gets pissed off because he made me cry; I believe we have a problem. If he has such a problem, why then doesn’t he take steps to prevent this from happening again? We have been married 18 years, and I hope to be married to him for 18 more. It’s just that this has been a themed or our marriage the entire 18 years and I DONT want that for another. The last couple of crying sessions over something like this, I have questioned why I ever thought he cared about me at all. How can he hurt me, and then get angry because that hurt shows, if he really cared about me? Tonight, I found myself questioning if I would even be with him anymore if I were able to work and were able to be financially independent, and I hurt MYSELF with those thoughts. I can’t believe that it’s come down to me questioning whether or not I truly want to be with him, or I just NEED to be. I don’t know how to speak to him about this without making him angry. I have tried multiple ways, multiple times, and it always ends in a fight and me crying for days because there was no resolution and there has been no change, or he doesn’t speak to me again until he thinks I’m over it, or at least speak to me in his normal loving fashion.

    While I do recognize that I’m not perfect, and that there must be many things that I do that must hurt him and drive him crazy (even though he refuses to tell me what I’m doing that bothers him, even though I beg through tears, while telling him that I know I’ve screwed up too and I just can’t handle these emotional swings anymore, I’m willing to do whatever I need to, if he would just tell me); what can I do to make this work, when he refuses marriage counseling, refuses my invitation to talk to me about my shortcomings and gets angry when I “have the nerve” to mention his because they hurt deeply? How can I save my marriage??

  15. Mike,
    Try not to use the word ignorant, when referring to people here. You don't know anyone of us, unless you are calling yourself, ignorant.

    Now, you really don't have the right to tell any woman that she is lying when she writes, that she doesn't do these. Why is that so difficult? I see men doing these bad behaviors, everyday and I hear different women tell how ugly their husbands are with these behaviors. But please be respectful and admit that men do them too. You are not that naive are you? Or are you just anti woman?

    I don't owe you an explanation, but for your information, I don't do those things to my husband, but sometimes
    he does not show me any appreciation for all of my efforts. I do a lot for us!!! But I do show appreciation, and want the same honor.

    As a grown man, be able to be fair. Women hurt too you know. So know that everything is not about you men.

  16. Why do some women replying to this post have to comment that this is all made up or that this all happened to women too? Denying the fact that your husband or any husband could ever feel unappreciated is just reinforcing the fact. There are plenty of husband who do feel unappreciated by their wives and I am one. I understand that there are husband who don’t appreciate their wives too, but to say that some wives don’t do it is a hurtful statement to make to a man that lives it. Denying the fact that it’s even possible for this to be happening to a husband is just ignorant and not helpful at all to someone who arrived here looking for help.

  17. Thank you, for your opinions and thoughts. I pray that I don’t do any of these things to my husband to be. I have had most if not all of these things done to me and so much more. I have been saved and brought back to the Lord, for that I have been healed and made new through Christ Jesus.

  18. Why would you as a woman, worry about whether or not any wives admit to anyof these things on the list? These outrageous things that men supporters say women do…. are not things the average wife does. If anything, husbands do these . I see men do these more than I see women. Who made these lists?

    Marriage is not about keeping score,. It is about the man and woman treating each other with love and respect and the way they want to be treated. We need to admit that husbands hurt wives and wives hurt husbands. The list should be written as what both women and men do, not finding fault and blaming women.
    When I go over to labor and delivery in the local hospital, I see and hear some ugly and hurtful things that husbands do to their wives. It's a shame how ugly husbands can be to their wives when they are in labor!! Like a husband trying to convince his wife that he can invite his parents into her delivery room, during her labor and birth. With the request from some wives, I have had to pull some husbands to the side and remind him that this is his wife's territory and her decision. These husbands were putting their wives down in front of his parents and some others and the poor wives, were too weak to fight.
    And you all have the audacity to put that lie in th above list about it being the wives who are putting husbands down. No I will not admit to doing that. All women do not hurt their husbands. Don't lie on wives!!
    The husband and the wife wants to be affirmed and appreciated. Women need to stop attacking other women and get some sense. You won't hear men telling other men to admit to things on a list, so why do women do that? Why are we so catty? Who the heck are we trying to impress? No man is going to love you any more for taking their side. If someone is guilty, own it, if you don't do these, don't lie to impress men!! No brownie points here.
    I do not do these and I expect my hubby to not do them either. I expect the same respect!!

  19. I don’t know if any other wife has admitted she does any of these things, but I’m not afraid to say yes I’m guilty of doing some of these things. So what do I plan to do? Well I will make it a point to say thank you when he does something, even if it’s not the way I do it. And instead of saying hey I asked you five times to do (whatever chore), I’m going try would you please do (whatever chore)? And say thank you right then. One more thing I think I’d like to do is make the “you always” phrase a daily habit, but a positive attachment. You always make great coffee or you always clean the snow off windows for me. Positive reinforcement right.?

  20. You see ladies, you all may think that I am talking from out in left field, but I am as sane as you are, Iam on a mission to help women and wives. I just see what is going on and I am not easily deceived as many women are. I hurt for women. I hurt for wives. I am one of few women who see that wives are in so much pain and are so unhappy and afraid to tell anybody, they are hurting . They are suffering.
    Also, according to what the fake biblical wives on the Internet keep preaching to us, is that a wife has no rights in marriage and no matter how nasty or selfish or cold her husband is, she is to just sit there and take it. The fake biblical wife websites have so many women brainwashed as they tell women that we are responsible for men's terrible sins. The only thing the fake biblical wives and husband supporters fuss about is wifely submission and respect.

    Each wife needs to stop exalting her husband, because that is making him an idol. A human man is a sinner, just like wives. We are all sinners. Husbands are not sinless, what with all the mess that they do everyday. Open your eyes ladies!! We are to only exalt God in Heaven. living to worship him, and not believing what the enemy says on the Internet, Satan also knows Scripture. He is cunning and slick and he is trying to destroy weak gullible wives!!
    Your husband is allowing the brainwashing and not worrying about your feeling.

  21. So, what, if we have a husband that refuses to complete his tasks and responsibilities, we should roll over and just add it to our already mile-long lists? Wives are expected to always say yes…why the hell don’t the men have the same duty? Why should we have to beg! I work the bulk of the hours and spend my “free time” paying bills, etc., while he is painting his toy models, and tasks are being continually neglected or at best, half-arsed, and I’m not allowed to remind him to complete his responsibilities? And when I have to ask multiple times, I AM THE BAD GUY?!?! What is your solution?

  22. OMG!!!! My wife does all of those things to me , Is that why I seek others to find comfort in?
    She can't bare to have any kind of intimacy with me either, it's like the only thing I can do is stay at work and make money to pay for everything , but not look at her cause that scares her to thinking that I'm interested in her. She can be so rude to shut down any nice compliment I give her. GOD . I Hate her more and more each year. My last birthday wish was for her to go to those younger men that get her excited to the point her foot just shake with excitement and she trembles with happiness, when she plays games online with them. GOD I HATE HER FOR HER CRUEL WAYS.

  23. Well, I don't do any of the things in that list.above and I don't agree that most wives do those. This is so foolish. Where are you men finding your women? My friends who are married, already worship and spoil their husbands to a fault as it is. What I have heard from couples I know, about this which spouse injures the other, is that the husbands are the ones who are guilty of injuring, but the make dominated media, turns it around on the wife. Go figure?
    You all have seen men put their wives down in front of others and you know this to be true. Often I have seen in labor and delivery, a stressed out, pregnant woman is in terrible pain, and her husband's dad walks in and she has already told her husband that she does not want his dad there, so her husband kind of ignores her wishes and may make a couple of stupid remarks like, " but he wants to be here" or "no one wants to look at your vagina anyway". These are comments that actually cone out of men's mouths. And you all keep writing articles that say it's the wife who does these things. I hear ugly comments like this from husbands all the time.
    Seems like men supporters are just angry because wives are beginning to wake up and see the light and want respect. Wives do not have the time or energy to spoil a grown man. Marriage is about teamwork, not about a wife exalting her husband.

  24. I do all of the above. I have the a kind hearted husband who has put up with with me and even provided well for me and my kids. ..our kids… And our furry kids. HE Has held my hand through very rough times and been my ear when needed as well. He is a good ole boy may like his beer and sports but at home…Ty.

  25. We have been married 9 years. It is both our 2nd marriage. It's been a good marriage until about 2 years ago. She started doing something that is the same reason I divorced my 1st wife. I would never have suspected in a million years she would to this. I won't say what it is because many of you would think it is foolish as I am sure she does. It is not foolish to me. I keep getting upset about it and telling her and crying because what she does hurts me. And, she does it again. And again. A couple of weeks ago I almost told her I wanted a divorce. She could see that and started getting very upset and crying. I don't want to hurt her. But, I don't want her to continue to hurt me. I feel trapped in a way. I don't know how to fix this.

  26. ( Nov 24, 2015 9:12 a m)
    See ladies, Gife, just painted ALL of us, with the same brush. yet, he and most every other man, will scream and get ugly, when a woman paints them with a broad brush. Men, this is double standard # 3.

    But anyway, just know, that you husbands are huge pains in the ass too. Many gullible wives are too afraid to tell you how much of an ass each of you are. Women do this with a fault, but those same wives will fuss about needing help.
    Haven't you husbands heard your wives, on the phone crying while telling their moms and sisters about the pain and struggle, they endure being married to you? Husbands, many of you can be very lazy. A home and family needs attention and your wife cannot do it ALL! Yet cannot expect your wife to toil and work, then magically turn into a sex kitten or porn star At night! . She is soooooo afraid that your mouth will form to say the words nag and bitch!! So wears herself out. Where then dear men, do you all think that sexual being will cone from, after you have treated her with your selfish coldness??
    Yes wives fuss. I used to fuss too, when I thought I had to and was expected to do everything, but I quickly learned some sense. I observed men and discovered what men are all about and how their minds work. I discovered that most are indeed selfish and egotistical.

  27. This definitely make sense at least for me, but how the wife’s actions affects a man is all down to the type of man you are. My wife is a typical example of these woman in this article but I simply call her mad woman and I believed it in my heart hence, I don’t take her serious. My father was exactly the same with my mother but the marriage lasted forever even though my mother always have something to complain about but my father could not even care less to defend himself or even comoment he simply dismiss her complain and in most cases he is correct. I just follow the route as it appear all women is the same pain in the ass therefore quite all this communication bit and stuff disregard them when it’s not worth it period. If you are getting hurt it’s because there is two women in the marriage

  28. Except for the constant reminder thing, i agree. I think, a wife is defenseless against broken promises if she doesn’t say something. A friend of mine has her house and yard a complete shambles because she refuses to “nag”. Another friend’s husband has completely nothing at all to do with the house and yard because she won’t “be that kind”. He also speaks very little to her at all about anything and she doesn’t like it but won’t speak. I have two other friends in the same situation. You would have us victims in this.

  29. I am very lucky to have a great spouse but I too find fault in him and I point it out. I was looking for another topic and unexpectedly saw this and wow does it ever strike a nerve. Thanks for your insight.

  30. 1. The fact that after short time of his marriage, he complained about his wife outside home does not show a strong personaliry.

    2. You should remind him that this is personal life and should not be consulted with you but a person who can hear both of them, means wife and husband.

    3. Without hearing the wife side of the story, we can not judge that their marriage is a disaster, but we can see that in this article there an abet for the husband.

    4. The case mentioned as a problem shows that he is rather likely to shows you that he is not happy with his marriage, and getting closer to you.

  31. I'm not quite sure whether my ex wife wanted a puppet or a husband. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I'd be criticized if I didn't help with the housework and if I did I'd be pulled apart for doing it incorrectly. My wife was a control freak and emotional vampire. She sucks the life out of those close to her by making demands, accusations and snide remarks. Denial was and is her MO. Gaslighting is her art-form.
    Being with her was like being slowly dissolved in an acid bath. Up to my eyeballs in addiction and the brink of suicide I got out of there, my mental health has been on the up ever since. My heart is broken for my children, no child deserves to see their father destroyed like they did.

  32. Your right and I am going to lose my husband,I love and need him more then ever, all I ask for Is attention I don’t get it he says he has know time for me he

    Treats me like I’m not around when his family is here he does many things for them and with them he never involves me we are not married his kids are not nice to me his sons are 34 and 33 they moved out when I moved in he will not say anything to them when they disrespect me I am very sad and I don’t like myself much I do nothing good enough his relatives treat me as if I’m not good enough for him I lost my self worth

  33. I think a helpful thing Ron and other article writers could do is, write 2 lists on the same page. And the lists need to be very much the same, because men do the same hurtful things to their wives that they claim only wives do. It's all a big lie ladies. Don't fall for these man made doctrines that these people tell you about what wives are to do.

    No man can tell any women how she feels, no man can tell a woman what they need and want. They are not women. Women need affirmation, to be respected, don't like to be nagged, don't want the husband to embarrass her in front of others, need space away from their husbands but can't get it because women are always cooking and cleaning , we also want our efforts to be appreciated, and don't tell us " it's no big deal when his mother is nasty to us"

    You see Ron, women need and want practically all the same things,. What makes you think women do not have pride too and want our egos stroked too. Oh, I know, it's probably because you article writers don't tell the truth from the woman's perspective.
    See, I am not like some of the indoctrinated women who write here and forget to speak the truth. I dont sell my gender out, the way that some weak women do.

  34. Thank you for your wisdom! As woman I was taught to rely on myself which led to fierce independence and under appreciation or dismissal of male efforts to help! Result was withdrawn and end of the relationship

  35. According to this list, husbands are super-sensitive. Seems like every little thing bothers them and instead of taking care of the home and her babies and her pregnancy and her other woman issues, she has got to also walk around on eggshells around him. The way I see it is that, we may need to warn women before they marry, just how sensitive and fragile men are once they marry. It's too much of a struggle to deal with men. I just tell women to run!! 🐎🐎
    Women get wounded and hurt by the things that their husbands say and do to,them, but women try to get the hurt feelings out into the open and then are ready to kiss up to the husbands a few minutes later. All this moving away from your spouse as if you are a little pouty child is not becoming to a grown man.
    Men…….., just tell her whatever she said or did that pissed you off and discuss it with her. Then tell her not to do it to you again. Oh I forgot, the whole trouble in the first place, is because men don't like to and won't discuss or communicate with their wives on a verbal level, only a sexual need level. But these men will get loud and rowdy with his buddies at the football game or in front of the TV.
    See men, verbal communication in a marriage is just as important as the sex you all so desperately crave.
    Marriage could be wonderful, if bother the husband and the wife would stop being pouty, selfish, critical, and distant to their spouses and learn how to be loving, warm, communicative, giving and unselfish.

  36. my husband he resently attend a new church and he chanched a lot sience he became a believer,hes not a man i used to know anymore he treats me like his room mate,he even tells me what if back then he was only pretending now he has changed he is a believer and his he loves his church so much his church comes first in everything even his family,hes always so tired and sleepy the entere week but friday and sunday when he goes to church hes not,when i talk to him about that and not spending time with us he gets angry and tells me its because i dond like his church thats y iam complaining always,and tells me i shoul get use to the fack that his church comes first,ive tried to be a good wife to him but he always push me aways because of his church,what can i do to get my husband back to his family i dont want him to leave his church but i want him to be a father and a husband to be,please help

  37. I understand not cutting a man down, but honestly this article just wants me to say “suck it up and be a man”! Why do we have to tip toe around our husbands feelings and boost their ego all the time. He doesn’t nor has any other past partner done this for me. Men act all tough but you are just big children. It drives me crazy that as a mother and wife I have to lift everyone else up while I’m the one who has the world on my shoulders with everyone adding to my load and not helping or cheering me on! Men need to grow up and be responsible for their own self worth and stop being so sensitive. Plus if men wouldn’t do everything half ass to get out of working maybe we wouldn’t nag so much. Just do the job and do it right the first time. What would you men do if we cook your meals half way or burn them and expect you to eat it, like it, and tell us it was the best meal ever? I’m tired of stroking my husbands ego and enabling his childish behavior. Grow a set!

  38. I’m not sure what to do any more. I’ve tried changing myself, but she still treats me as a roommate. She’s done all of these to me, and I’m used to it now and I’m not even hurt by it anymore. Every time something happens, whether it’s how she feels, or if I did something by accident; all I here is “I hate you, your not normal, your crazy, I don’t love you.” But I don’t do anything to her. In fact I avoid her now. And when I confronted her she repeated those things and said to me “you don’t know my past.” I told her that I didn’t marry her for her past. And when I pursue her further she starts getting meaner, and and won’t tell me why or how I’m crazy, not normal, weird, and why she hates me. She never has a reason. She only repeats her self. Except one time she said that she still loves her ex boy friend. She’s threatened me with divorce to, but only does so when I pursue her. So I called her bluff and told her to find me someone normal and I’ll divorce you. And she didn’t say anything, nor do anything afterwards.

  39. To the moderator: Please remove the spam postings about “spell casting”, and, “love potions”. They are part of an illegal scam, and the accounts from the posting(s) should be reported to the authorities.

  40. Ill admite i do this with out even knowing it but theres alot of stress between us he has injured me too he lets his friends put me down n he dose the same no respect n it hurts.so iv become so bitter tords him

  41. Thank you for sharing this. I made a careful mental checklist, and have read both articles. My husband and I are not injuring each other in these ways! And, I believe anyone who gets angry over the article, probably has a little guilt over the items they could not check of their list. We vow to be a partner for each other when we marry. The biggest mistake you can make in a marriage is forgetting that you are not there to change, or criticize, but to partner, support and lift the other person.

  42. I just put my husband down in front of his friend without knowing/ noticing it, he says i was stiriing at his friend which is sending wrong signals, and now he cant forgive me he needs a divorce. So sad

  43. Hi,I think you have indeed done us all a huge favor in writing this blog,and so appreciate you taking the bold move to do so.I've spent months trying to work out what goes on in his mind,(things from his side) and as I try to get him to converse with me ,asking how he feels about things but he will just sit there when I'm talking to him ,or get on his computer ,and doesn't acknowledge I'm speaking to him or respond in anyway.Except ,if he tells just shut up.As hard as I try,I end up frustrated and or I end up just walking off after asking him several times to please take the time to do this for both of us.Please help me if you can,with ways or ideas on how to work with him to do this.I love this man with everything I am,I've tried being understanding and done all I can think of to always look at things from his side to,even when he cheated and I was devastated ,I still looked at what could of been behind why,or what he was feeling that resulted in it.Yet I made the choice to try on over come it all.I'm fighting cancer on top of it all and I'm not sure how much longer I have the strength to work alone to fix this.It unfortunately emotionally is destroying me,Ive always been one to focus on the bright side of everything but at this point Im feeling that it would be easier to give into cancer and let us both off the hook.I once promised him I'd never give up on him or turn my back on him,and dont want to,but Im running out of ideas and the will power to make us both happy
    Kind regards TracyLee
    Your advice would be g

  44. Oh my gosh!!! Even though my marriage is stronger than its ever been, I see that I do a few of these things. I never considered it might make him feel “less than”. I will definitely be more aware of my actions in the future. Thank you.

  45. I can attest to this and my marriage is very rocky right now and the next step is counseling, but my issue with him is not letting me know what’s bothering him from me so that I know what to work on on my end.

  46. After being in relationship with him for 7 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by reffering him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster He also help me to win lottery, his email:

  47. My wife does all of these to me. When I try to tell her about how it hurts me she just downplays it and calls me over emotional

  48. I think this article had really great information. However because of the sarcasm there wasn’t much of an explanation of the feelings that come from the action. I just wish there was less sarcasm and more explanation.

  49. I agree with everything you have outlined and most of the behavior pattern from a women in that way comes from being hurt and not having the strength anymore to make it work. It stems from the build up of events, fearing the unknown and disappointment. When you patience have run up. Women grow as fairytales because it’s what society gives. When you tired of being the strong one it all comes out as fire and both are hurting. How do you treat one with respect when you feel he is the reason for what you have become.

  50. Jane Ashley
    My life is back !!! After eight years of marriage, my husband left me with 3 kids. I felt that my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted you and after I explained my problem. In just three days, my husband came back to us and I and my children love and show apologize for all the pain you have to take the family. We solved our problems, and we are even happier than before’re the best caster Dr. Akim really appreciate the love spell that you cast for me to get the man I loved back my life I will continue sharing people’s testimonies about thanks to the good work, again Dr. Akim, if any problem you can contact with this man for help that is always there in his temple to help solve your problem contact Email is (aidamenbordgreat@yahoo.com) thanks for your time. .God Bless

  51. Hi. I came across this article because my husband mentioned it. Its a great perspective from the man’s point of view. I want to be a good wife, so I hope to improve from this.

    We are a young couple, 24. We’ve been together since we were 16, married at 21. We are at the point of resentment and cursing at each other. I did not invision my married life to be argument after argument.

    The nagging.

    I nag. My husband has complained about it. What should I do though if its bad? Like if I ask B (hubs) to take out the trash please, and days later (6 bags of trash on the porch) and its still not done, am I not supposed to ask again? When we first started living together, if I asked more than once for B to do something, he would state, ‘because you’ve nagged, I’m not going to do it.’ …. I try to be as sweet and politely ask, but its always a fuse to him. I’ve just started to not ask anything of him.

    Hold him responsible for my well being.

    I do this, I do. Should never look to him for my happiness? I do not understand how to balance this. Days I will focus on my happiness, I am accused of being selfish. If I focus on his happiness and I become strung out on the one-sided ness of it all, I’m left alone and unhappy. Lately, I’ve been feeling completely unappreciated. I am a stay at home mom to our two children, and B has no responsibilities at home. I do all the housework, all the child rearing, everything, besides go to work. I cannot remember the last time I was told I’m beautiful or I looked nice. That hurts my heart, that hurts my well being. I get told by strangers of my attractiveness more than he has. I tell him he’s handsome several times a week. He still is so handsome to me and it strikes me and I tell him. Every time he comes home from work, and I ask about his day, and he tells me his accomplishments, I praise him. I have asked him for appreciation. He has told me, ‘What should you be praised for?’ Our house is clean, always a warm dinner on the table, children are well adjusted … He tells me he doesn’t expect anything from me. He tells me I focus on the kids too much. They are a 24 hour job, I ask him what I’m supposed to do with them, to give him attention. We wake to leave before he goes to work 7am, they are put to bed when he comes home. 10pm. I am so tired by then, I fall asleep on their bedroom floor every night. I don’t know what to do. My parents are bad role models, I cannot look to them for advice. His parents are loving and affectionate and equals after 25 years of marriage.

    Complain about what I haven’t done.

    Some days I can’t get everything done. My husband comes home and will point it out, ‘why is there laundry on the bed’. And I give him an excuse, and complain about how the day/kids were chaotic and it didn’t get done. Should I hold my tongue? Should I be just nonchalant about the things that I was stressed about?

    Another problem B has told me, is that I tell him too much of my problems. He says I should tell my friends instead. I thought he is my best friend, the only person I can trust with my stresses and worries. Should I stop telling him these types of things? I don’t have any other confidants. Would it be better to hold it in instead?

    Please someone give me advice. I want to be a good wife. I want us to grow in love, and death do us part.

  52. I'M nuela from NYC, Please contact this vudoo priest who brought my husband home. He divorced me for another woman after several years of marriage. Leaving me a single mother of 2 Teen. I had a friend who has used this vudoo priest before in problems like this. Please this man spell made my husband come back after leaving for 8months. I am so happy to have this done here inthe US. the priest is in MD, I invited him over for visit since he was in Future Overlay, NY. after my husband came home .

  53. I and my husband met since we were in university lives. Now we are 27 years old. We are born in same year. In the past, I would like him to take care of me and respect me like other guys. But he didn't. I know he loves me so much. He is not interested in knowing how to show his love. We are arguing with each other most of our time. I also did many mistakes and things that he didn't like. When we quarrel, we said each other to hurt. I love him so much. I would like him to understand me and love me like before. I don't know how to do.Can u please advice me?

  54. Ron thanks for the blog and I can only identify with holding my husband responsible for my emotional well-being which may indeed be the worst one. I am aware about 50% the other time im not aware and truly either way hate the fact I do this to him. As much as I know I can’t expect him to make me happy at times I wish I could make him happy and he has withdrawn to the point he “does not care ” and divorce if I can’t stop controlling him with my emotions. Ron I’m trying! To be aware of my behavior and facial expressions. Actions are worth more than words so as a man what can I do to show him I’m happy. And I’m not holding him responsible?

  55. I am not happily married, but I am married. I keep reminding myself that, though my union on earth seems unfair, my union with Christ is even more so. I do nothing for Christ; He does everything for me. So, for His sake, I can live through anything, even a marriage that doesn't make me happy. Christ is more interested in my sanctification. I hope that that will come as I learn to love and respect the nan in my life.

  56. I am guilty of most of what you said. Yet I am that way because of either what he does or doesn’t do. He knows how I feel because we have talked about hurting each other time and again … But he probably thinks I am the only one who hurts him. I have reached a point where I know talking is pointless because it all comes back to me, so I just cry when he is not around until I find that strength to carry on again. But I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. My marriage looks perfect and I probably should not have anything to complain, but the little things bother me so much they make me feel he does not care about what I say, do, thing. Your article seems to suggest that I keep my hurts to myself (as I have been doing) and leave him be. It makes him think everything is fine and we have no conflict. But I am dying inside.

  57. I dont even know if im wounded but i wish one of us could just die – coming here to this house or trying to be in one room more than 10 minutes is unbearable

  58. I make allowances for my lady. I sometimes kid her about me needing to find her "bitch switch" to turn it off. Normally I do not get too angry as I figure it is the result of menopause but sometimes I do get hurt and then I shut down.

  59. Rip25, in all of your posts you say “if he does what he is asked to do”. What about what you dont do, what if he feels like a slave to you. Because the way im taking what you are saying is its up to him to prevent nagging. Sounds like a guy walking around with a ball and chain.

  60. Only negative comments are coming from women sounds like! Or the feminine homosexual men. Great article! Listen up girls! This will keep your men out of the mistress, and the lawyers out of you!!

  61. I did all seven of these to my husband and we were headed for divorce. I got eight months of counseling and our relationship couldn’t be better! I love this article. So true

  62. Well it would be much appreciated if u make it clear at the beginning of this article itself that this article is applicable on perfect husbands.. who are perfect is every way, do the best for their family and are the best with their wives and still their wives hurt them sometimes knowingly or unknowingly.. Coz all the above can't be applicable to husbands who never care about their wives feelings, never stand by her and never respect her.. in such a case how can a husband even expect his wife to behave well with him!!!
    So please make that clear, otherwise all the stuff you wrote can be pretty misleading

  63. It’s sad that I didn’t read something like this ,years past, when it mattered. Now, I can find solace in the fact that my predicament was not so unusual.

  64. This post helped me to see things from my husbands perspective and made me realize how I’ve been treating him. Thank you so much!

  65. My question would be, is he doing it wrong? Or is he just not doing it your way? Because there is a difference. Ask yourself if it makes a difference. I would say the authors point is to appreciate the effort, not correct the perceived wrong.

  66. I am kind of on the fence about this article. While I feel that it does give a lot of great insight to how I could be hurting my husbands ego, there are a few questionable points in there.

    Like how we shouldn’t go and fix something after our husband just tried. Well maybe if it was done right in the first place we wouldn’t have to go behind them? Do you recommend a nice way of saying that to a spouse?!

    Also, it says we need to nag less. Have you ever thought there was a good reason for our nagging? Women will agree that most will come home and just throw their belongings over the entire house and just expect us to clean it up without as much as a thank you.

    I am definitely trying to be sympathetic to the article but it is quite hard when points are so easily answered..

  67. After 7 years of constant nagging about not helping around the house and what not I finally got fedup with all that. Now Im doing all the dishes, making every meal, cleaning every washing cycle and you know what I found out? She is even MORE needy now! I started doing all those things so she would get off my back, but now she has more time on her hands and she wants to spend it with me more, which wasnt my primary goal of the experiment. Now im seriously planning on how to dump her in the next few weeks when i get my stuff out of the house. Blowjobs are nice, but really not worth my freedom. Women think that every second that you spend together has to be around “her” or “us”, but when is there time for “him”? When we ask for such time it gets belitled and disregarded as unimportant…

  68. it always bothers me when men bring up the whole badger/nag issue. Personally if men were helping out around the house and actually doing the things their wives want them to do or asks him to do then she wouldn't have a reason to badger/nag. If you think she is the only one who has to do that then just tell her to stop being so lazy and do her job.The only job you feel she is capable of doing. Fact is men make messes and therefore should be willing to help clean them up and do his part in the up keep of the home. He should do it in an actual timely manner. Not when the rain comes and the wife is putting pans all over the house to catch the water. Or the walls have so much mildew that the kids are developing athsma. Or the trash has built up to the point that you cannot get around the house. Or the dishes have built up to the point of no return. Or the clothes are strewn around the house. Sorry but I hear men brag about how they take their clothes of and drop them where he stands and his wife must then follow behind him picking up after him and the kids. Because lets face if if dad doesn't respect mom enough not to treat her as a slave the kids will not respect her either. Dad is in fact the example to the kids as how to treat the wife/mom. Most do not care enough and actually disrespect women way more than women can ever respect men. This is shown in the single world also where men just bed one woman after another and discard them as soon as he is done with her and the things they say is so full of flat out disrespect that it is completely destructive. If men are to be the leaders of women and they want to be treated better then isn't it high time they actually took that responsibility back and started being better men/husbands/fathers/boyfriends/brothers/sons. ect.

  69. Well I for one would like to congratulate you on trying to help…I think everything you have pointed out here is absolutely true…I am a women even though it says Daniel…he is my soul mate…I read this because I want to be the best partner/wife I can be and the last thing I want to do is make my man unhappy…life is a learning curve and so are relationships…if people take offence it is more likely that they may be guilty of some of the above…I always try to compliment my man…I acknowledge everything he does and tell him what a great job he does because he does try hard at everything he does and he usually does it well…I thank him for going to work…I don't work at the moment due to illness and I am grateful he provides especially as he works away … which at times can be hard on us….things don't happen in a hurry here for many reasons and sometimes that weighs on me and there are so many things I find difficult to do now that, that weighs on me too as I have to wait for Dan to return home to do it…I love that you try to help people for we all need a little help now and then whether we want to admit it or not…thank you for taking the time to share…I for one thought it was worth it. God Bless you. 🙂

  70. Very relevant points given in the article. It is subtle, yet pervasive, in my marriage. I am constantly reminded of how all of the issues with our marriage are a direct cause of my actions. Any good deed I do is always meet with a way to make it better or outright scorn for not doing it the “correct” way. She has a terrible relationship with her father and is now subtlety indoctrinating our children with the belief that their father is a buffoon. It always boils down to something I said or failed to say, or, something I did or failed to do–it is a no-win situation for me. I have tried many, many times to say how I feel, but am always meet with, “how dare you say that!”. I have tried many different methods of communication; all with the same result of how terrible and hurtful I am.

    When we have actually sought out professional help, she always chuckles and shrugs when her shortcomings are brought to the surface, but every issue of mine she jumps all over and berates me for when we’re alone.

    I am completely defeated and resigned. When I am upset with her, I have learned to bury it and deny it. I tell her as genuinely as I can that all is well, because if I voice any complaint, I will, once again, be berated and chastised.

    I no longer dance (which I used to love doing) because I don’t dance “good enough”. I no longer sing because, apparently, since I got married I can’t hold a tune.

    And even though she is reserved and generally quiet, most often a cutting remark will eventually be made in most social gatherings.

    I could go on…

    Thanks for letting me vent.

  71. Ron,

    I appreciate this article and even can understand why you’d want to make it light hearted and take a sarcastic tone, however, I am still left feeling confused and hurt myself. These things you cited are common misunderstandings and sources of contempt in marriage or relationships but what exactly do you suggest women do instead of these things? What constructive ideas can you suggest to women for actually communicating their wants, needs, desires etc. without offending the fragile ego of her man (as you so put in your suckle)? Can you do so in a way that does not passive aggressively spew contempt for the people you are supposedly trying to help?

  72. thank you for posting this. We have been married almost 32 years and yet I still need to be reminded of these things. I am guilty of 4 of these. I could easily say it is because I am also injured but I am not responsible for his actions, only my reactions.
    Once again, i say thank you

  73. is there such a thing as husband abuse??..my wife treats me as an outsider in my own house.. She has even gone to the extent of turning my kids against me.If I try to discipline my kids she is always against me and makes her point of front of the kids…so again I’m the bad one….she is always on her phone chatting to people I don’t know for long hours.. But always trying to check up on me..I can’t take the loneliness any more… Am I doing something wrong?

  74. think this is well written and am sure there are many other ways we unintentionally wound each other. Wondering if you’ve ever written on the Christian view of abuse in marriage? If so where to find the article?

  75. As a wife, I agree and am thankful for this article to help me understand not only how my husband works but how my words can effect him. Men don’t often react or show hurt the way we do so we don’t realize we can effect them at all. However, the wording of most of the points you made we delivered with sarcasm without any explanation of how this effects the husband or helpful advise. It sounded bitter and badgering so no wonder you thought many women would be offended. We were but not due to the content which I embraced but because you delivered it in a sarcastic and accusatory manner as if you intended it to be. If you had written a counter article on how men hurt their wives, I’d be willing to bet you did some of those very things in this one. Keep in mind that the only women reading this article are the ones who purposefully clicked on it to begin with the heart of a woman who desires to understand her husband and be a better wife to him.

  76. This blog is very helpful. My wife has always hurt me even after I told her many many times how much she hurts me, she doesn’t seem to care, don’t know she’s hurting me or maybe because I don’t cry. I don’t know

    My wife and I had separated so we can resolve our problems, the separation was for 3 months. Comes to find out my wife is pregnant, even though we had tons of sex she claimes it’s mine. She had went to the pregnancy center where they said she’s 10 weeks but we just got back together 7 weeks ago. Now I don’t think our marriage can be fix and I’m just crushed. I also have a daughter that is soon going to be crushed as well after she finds out about her parents getting a divorced. I’m just so lost and hurt at this moment.

  77. So I read this blog and I found it to be very helpful. But I have one question about the one where the wife has a bad mood with the husband because she’s having a bad day. My question here is, what if the wife is having a wonderful day and very happy then the husband says something offensive and then there is an argument over the smallest issue? Unfortunately this happens more than it should. I’m hurt and tired of crying. I try so hard to change myself for him. I’m not perfect no. I know I hurt him when I don’t mean to and I am trying to recognize this everyday. But at times I feel as though the more I try to change for his benefit he has more control over me. What do I do? I’m so lost.

  78. GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, that;s me and sometimes I say eh deserves it. From day one of our friendship, my husband LIED his way into my heart. Long before I grew I love with him, and after sharing with him how I was raised by my wonderful awesome dad and my mother , he LIED to me that he was raised with the same morals, values and principles as I was, only that he had fallen away from then as he grew older and mixed more with friends. All along he was lying. He also told me that he was the only one in the family that had a divorce and about two years later, he confessed to me that his mother and father divorced before he was born, and that his mother gave him to his grand parents to be raised. Therefore, the people he told me was his parents who raised him, had now become his GRANDPARENTS! tHE NUMBER 1 LIE was; I realized that he was losing hair at the hairline and questioned him about it (this was long before I grew in love with him) and he said running his hand through his hair – "no, no, I just lost a bit from the front and I went and had it checked by a professional and they did not find anything wrong with me." I told him maybe it was stress – and joked about him eventually going bald since his brother (who is actually his uncle) had lost all his hair from front to back and was bald! No offence to men who have lost their hair – but I told my then friend that I was not attracted to bald men, never dated one, will not date or marry one – that I love hair. All along, my then friend knew that he was bald in the top and back of his head, and that his real father had male-pattern baldness. He also lied to em that the never watch porn or look at women while walking the streets since it is disrespectful to women and against his religion. He told me that he usually lower his head and that is why they referred to him the PRIEST! aLL ALONG, HE WAS LYING TO WIN MY HEART, which he did after several days, nights and hours of talking an sharing together about things of life, love, relationships, marriage and family. We shred more than I have ever shared with another person in my lifetime – 5 years of sharing, hundreds of emails, poems, ecards and I can go on, and on, and on. I was not keen on the distance, and since we were of different religions, and he being older than me, I was not sure about this relationship – but eventually fell in love with him and decided to visit his country. First thing I realize when meeting him was that he was almost completely BALD, and I felt like getting on the next available flight and returned home. However, I decided to get to know him better and spent 1 month with him. Next, I saw what look liek pron on his computer ad to my surprise afte asking him, "do you watch pron"? and he asked, "what do you mean." I replied, "do you look at naked girls online?" and he replied in shame, Yes. I almost threw-up all over him – I felt so sick in my stomach that this mah dragged me over 9000 miles to tell me this. Next, as we walked hand in hand, he steered at most of the young women that we met, and once we was in a coffee shop and sh the girl server us and walked away, he turned around and look at down her butt. As she returned the second time to serve us and walked away, he AGAIN turned around and look back at her butt. I got up and walked out and he followed me and we argued about it. He claimed that he did not realized that he was doing this. I can go on, and on, and on – but to make a long story short, our relationship lasted 5 years and 3 months and we are still fighting about his lies. I know that I am to blame fro sticking with him – I do not believe in divorce; I was raised in a Christian home with great morals and principles and I do not know how to let go loving him. Now, I tell him off since I am so mad that he lied his way into my life and if he had told me the truth from day one, I would have never had to endure 5 painful years and wasted my youth way. I am upset that our marriage was based on him lying his way into my heart and I let him have it when I know that he is lying. Afterwards, I say I am sorry and th etells me that he deserves it. I know that I have to end this relationship, and I wish I Knew how. Each time I say I am finish, we end up talking once more. This id 5 years and still we are miles apart due to his LIES!

  79. Pingback: Emily Esque
  80. I knew a woman for almost twenty years, as we grew up together in the same church, and we got into a relationship that was what I wanted and waited for from the moment I met her. We had known each other for almost 17 years at the time. I was in my mid twenties and she just entering her thirties (she was the friend older sister). We talked about being together and were planing on marriage.
    She was everything I ever wanted in a wife and she would tell me that I fit the bill for her as well. While that was going on she would also do everything on this list in ways that made me fill less and less like a man, sapping me of any confidence that once had. I found out (two years after) that most of the people in our circle knew that she was also sleeping with a mutual friend behind my back, while she was refusing to even kiss me at one point. From what I knew, we were really going to wait for our wedding night for sex, but I was the only one holding up that end of the promise.
    She had friends and relatives with children that would also make sure that they used her love and want of children to keep her away from me (they were trashy cousins and were the manipulative type), because I was going to give her her own, and they would have to parent of their own children. They would interfere with our dates and would poison the well as much as they could and would make sure that she was wiped out when she did get away. She would also do these seven things and her friends do them too.
    She left me for the guy that she was sleeping with behind my back, in my home, and in my bed. He would come over to "watch movies" and to do work around the house when she was at the house for the day, when I would be working in mornings. He would beat her and she still would not come back. It would seem like an obvious to just forget about it, and I am talking about here only to point out that these things will not only destroy a man, but they will destroy a man in a woman's mind to the point to were she will run to the arms of another man, even one that mistreats her.
    I was waiting to have sex ( and still am) and was in my mid twenties and I am still the guy that loses the girl to some guy that has confidence, backbone, and something that I do not know how to get, learn, or if I ever had.
    I here all of the time what men do to hurt women, but this is one of the only times I have had anyone talk about the things women do to tare men apart.
    I wish I knew how to solve the problem, because being single sucks and the field seems to be getting filled with women that are injured and looking for me to fix their lives for them and sometimes for their kids too.

  81. If my wife did every one of these items, I would still love her without reservation as she has so many great qualities that these few things can be accepted and overlooked. I have a few bad traits also that I expect her to overlook, so that makes us even !!

  82. Wow. I never knew, I was injuring my husband with some of these things. I see that I am guilty of all of these. God, Forgive me.
    I am also going to ask my husband for forgiveness tonight. And I vow to make it practice to stop this!
    Thank you for the eye opening blog post.

  83. This goes for men and women equally, as I have seen this occur from men toward women very much. Marriage is not about keeping scores, but showing kindness appreciation even when we are tired or irritated. Love is about patience and humbleness, earnest conversation about needs that is constructive rather than an assignment of blame. Men and women, humble yourselves to ask forgiveness for your shortcomings, and share where you have felt hurt in a way that does not look at where your spouse falls short, but asks them to consider your feelings in ways that may not have been clear. Pray together. Can you be angry with one another when you realize how undeserving of the love of God we are?

  84. Thanks for that post. I have to say I’m guilty of some of it to points but my question to them are. How do I talk to him to where he hears what’s I’m saying and what makes me think those things when I’m feeling them have to with the now and not something from the past. I believe communication is a key factor in a successful marriage so how do I get that back.

  85. Wow, a lot of this your right about, I mean, you don’t realize you hurt him. I’m ashamed to say I do most of this, but it’s nice to see the reasons that this does hurt him and it helps you be more conscious of it to better your marriage. I’ll gladly take this advice. I really needed this right now. Thank you for posting

  86. The information you posted seemed appropriate for BOTH men and women. I can imagine how hurtful each of those 7 behaviors could be to a husband or a wife. I appreciate the information and would also appreciate ideas for alternate/ less hurtful and more effective actions for those 7 situations where those hurtful behaviors are used.

  87. http://www.charismamag.com/life/men/19635-7-ways-
    possibly off topic, not sure, but did someone change something between your site and the one I linked to or was it edited? Just wondering because I first read the one I linked to and although I understood, being pretty fluent in sarcasm, I still was upset over how it was worded since sarcasm is just “The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.” Contempt is the last thing any woman needs who is looking at something to try and make a possibly difficult situation better.

  88. It's a little sad to see so many comments from women starting out with, "Yeah, I'm guilty of these…" and then devolving into a list of excuses why their husband is the cause of their bad behavior. YOU are responsible for your own behavior, your own decisions (obviously this goes for both husbands and wives!). God hasn't called us to do right only when our sweetie is fulfilling our every wish. We each need to exemplify Christ even when – ESPECIALLY when – circumstances are trying, as with a spouse who isn't holding up his/her end of the bargain.

    If you exhibit these behaviors, stop making excuses and start praying for strength to change. If you don't you're exacerbating the problem instead of working towards a solution. Fellas, that goes for us, too.

  89. There is an excellent book (7 Things He'll Never Tell You: . . . But You Need to Know by Kevin Leman) that addresses so many of this article's points but in more detail, addressing the woman's perspective as well as the man's. By pinpointing a man's greatest needs (to be respected, to be needed, to be fulfilled) and a woman's greatest needs (affection, honest, open communication, and commitment to family), Leman describes how each mate can help fulfill each others' needs without injury. It's been so enlightening to me to find out that when my man shuts down or withdraws, it's not because he doesn't care, but it's because he feels like he's failed in this area that's really important to him (like meeting my needs or desires). It's also been really helpful in learning how to effectively love the other person like he best receives love, as well as learning how to encourage, and draw boundaries that lead to change. So glad to read this article and I don't think it's unfair in giving the man's perspective, it's just only focusing on one side of the story and certainly loving husbands will want to be aware of how to avoid injuring their wives.

  90. I agree with everything you have said in this blog. However I strongly feel is goes both ways. Marriage is a 2 way street. I believe a husband does these very 7 things to the wife at times too. I have seen it many times.

  91. I am guilty of everyone of these. So hard sometimes.I have been with him through a drug addiction and him talking to a woman behind my back. Sometimes I just wanted to hurt him the way he hurt m and I guess words were my only way.

  92. Being married 18yrs to a wounded woman with children has made me not so willing to be married never could get her to trust me even after raising two daughters that grew to not receive my affection because of mistrust and abuse from her recent relationship has made my life hard people don’t talk about abuse that often, I am not perfect but I’ve seen the worse in relationships and always tried to keep positive outlook regardless of the haters who didn’t want to see my success ,we are still trying day by day to find what we lost because she knows I’m a good guy she stays around, but I’ve lost all the desire and can’t find any , got counseling from the church pastor to separate, but still together,don’t think I’ll find it even after having our new baby of 4 yrs we love the baby but nothing else is there any more I’ve been desiring other women over the last few years.

  93. This is an awesome post. I’m bookmarking it so I can read it and keep these things in mind.
    I strive to make my husband’s life a good one. He has been so good to me and I want to be good to him.
    Thank you for your insight to the male mind. And for this post. I wasn’t offended at all. Any woman that truly loves her husband should want to improve herself for him.

  94. This was REALLY convicting and breaking…also made me see just how blessed I really am after reading some of the women's comments. Not saying, "Thank God my life's not like theirs," but rather it's made me really ashamed that I'm not loving my husband better. We have our issues but he is the most undeserved gift in my life. #emotional Going to read the companion post now.

  95. Great advise! I try very hard to live by these already but now that I see it in writing I’m going to print it out so I can have a reminder when needed. I have a wonderful husband and I try to tell him how much I appreciate him frequently. Thank you.

  96. I agree, when I followed all of these and my marriage was 'happy', but we maxed out our credit cards, very little around the house ever got fixed, and I was supposed to be content just hanging out at home while he played video games on the weekends because he couldn't handle the idea of me going out and having fun without him, yet he didn't want to do anything (and you're right, his ego was bruised if I expressed that I wanted anything). I hope i'm not raising a son who's ego is this easily bruised, I'm divorced now and much happier and better able to provide for our children for it.

  97. Thank you for this. Unfortunately, I am also guilty of most, if not all of these. My husband deserves so much better. I mentally know I need to change my responses, I just hope I can do it overall for him. I wish it could change in the snap of my fingers or go back a few years, he’s truly a great man and I need to be a better wife to him.

  98. Great post! I am guilty of a lot of these things. But it makes sense now. Time for change and a more positive marriage 🙂

  99. Thanks Ron! Most of these I have experienced, I hope she'll read this (without me showing it to her). My wife is a wonderful woman going through some stuff and I know 99% of the time she doesn't do these things intentionally. But that doesn't change the hurt it causes. To the guys out there, the best thing you can do is stay the course, be the man God wants you to be. You don't have to get run over to do that. Hardening your heart will only cause you to have a negative reaction instead of taking a positive action.

  100. You know I read articles like this all the time. 25 ways to show respect to your husband, 10 Marriage Tips Every WIFE Needs to Hear, etc. And I am trying, honestly, I am trying. But, sometimes I wonder, am I kidding myself. Why should I praise every small thing he does. Doesn’t that just enreforce his belief that the minimal effort he puts in is enough? Why should I pretend like it is ok he hasn’t done his own laundry since we’ve been married (or change the sheets, or clean the bathroom, or sweep, or vacuum). He changes the oil (once a quarter), cuts the grass (once a week, 6 months out of the year), shovels snow (once every 3 yrs or so), that’s fair, right? Why should I pretend to be ok with him barely talking to me. I shouldn’t badger him, right? Oh and forget about physical affection, I am supposed to choose joy because I got that 3 second back graze a month ago. How am I not supposed to hold him responsible for my emotional well being when the only thing that makes me sad is my failure to have a happy marriage…The fact that I am not even sure he likes much less loves me. When someone would rather play on his phone than have a conversation with you, sighs in irration the vast majority of times I go for a hug or try to get him to put his arm around me. I try so hard to focus on the good…the fact that he is a good man, with good values, he is a provider. I just wish I knew how to forget/ignore all the rest. Who needs a hug when you don’t have a roof over head or food to eat.

  101. Thank you, these describe some if not most of what I do. Its hard to catch yourself in the act and not say or do as you wanted to as a reaction. I’m trying, I really am. Again, thank you for reminding me that I need to work on this. I read the other one and like it as well.

  102. It is such a cool thing that God gave women the power to initiate a change in atmosphere within marriage. Since repenting of disrespect towards my husband at a conference a few years ago and deciding to make an effort to act loving when feeling very unloving / unloved, our marriage has done a 180. After “mastering” some of these, I notice I still give nonverbal criticism with raised eye brow etc. Hard to catch myself but where there’s willingness, God provides grace.

  103. Like it or not…no matter the current political trend is regarding women being equal or superior to me, many women live a double standard life. Things that are okay for them to do and thongs that are not okay to be said or done to them but they dont hesitate one second to say or do the things to men that they dont like.

  104. I have nothing deep to say like some of the other wonderful replies you’ve already received. I just wanted to thank you for writing this. As a newlywed in marriage number 2, I’ve made an honest attempt to be a Godly wife this time around. But you’ve shown me areas that I still need to work on. I realize most women don’t like to be told where they are wrong, but actually I first saw your husbands hurting their wives post shared on a friends page. When I saw it, I immediately craved an article about my shortcomings. Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

  105. I don’t think anyone should look at this article in a negative way. It’s intended for women who, i think, would want to better themselves in any area needed. If it’s not needed in your life or opinion, just move onto the next article. But most women i know are perfectionists in one way or another, and working on bettering ourselves is self progress… NOTHING wrong with that;)

    On another note, I loved this article. I didn’t realise how I do so many of these things and how much of a negative impact this can have on a marriage after years of being married… Thank you:)

  106. I’m guilty of several..and ashamed of myself…I have been trying to make a conscious effort to stop these bad behaviors…ine of my fav sayings is don’t try to change people. .love them..love changes people…I look to these pagea for daily reminders and inspiration because I AM a newlywed and dint know a lot about marriage. .I thank you for your tips advice and uplifting words

  107. This is absolutely right. And I’m guilty of a few of them… I’m trying not to, I guess I felt like for so long he deserved it after the constant pain he caused me. I don’t know what to do!!

  108. Nothing earth shattering here….but great reminders. That being said…I would be sad and hurt if my man did any of this to me too.

  109. This post addresses me as a wife perfectly. I feel like I am guilty of each and every one of these things. How can I correct these actions/habits before I injure him more? I feel like if I talked to him about it, his self worth would be injured even more.

  110. Being a woman with plenty of emotions, I can’t honestly say that in my marriage I have done some of these things if not all of them. This post has made me see that, so thank you for this!! I will definitely take this into concederation and give my husband the encouragement that he needs.

  111. I honestly think this is funny. This is demeaning to a woman and makes her sound like she is a slave to a man. If i have to tell my husband more than once to pick up his crap then yes I get angered. He should have more ownership of the house and not want it to look like crap leaving his stuff everywhere. Also if he doesnt clean correctly yes I will correct him. It is not that hard to put a bit of effort in it and do it right.

  112. Perhaps the most valuable marriage advice I got before my wedding was to eliminate "always" and "never" from my vocabulary in arguments. "You always do this" or "You never do that" are explosive and we don't use them.

    I was glad to see you mention one of those in this post.

  113. I would add, commenting how great another guy looks in front of you. My wife thinks just because he’s a celebrity it’s ok to call him sexy. I did it to her just to make a point and she got very angry. Really? She still didn’t get it.

  114. This is really good advice for myself and my soon to be husband. As we have some problems we are trying to work out before we tie the knot! We were really having a hard time getting along about 2 months ago and really needed some advice and guidance on what to do. I really like that your a Christian
    counselor, myself being Christian. I would really like to do whatever it takes to make it work with my fiance, especially since we have kids together.

  115. I just wanted to add something that I’ve learned and struggle with in my own relationship. I’m a 26 year old woman and have been in this relationship for six years. One thing that we have issues with (this goes both ways) is showing interest in each other’s interest. We tend to just blow each other off when the other discusses something we have no interest in. It hurts, both of us, but at the time we’re not trying to hurt the other. I tend to “tune out” or make an excuse when he wants to tell me about a cool new gadget he’s found just like he ignores me when I’m trying to explain the latest book I’m reading. And because of this we’re struggling with communication. It’s these little things over the years that build up.

  116. Its the wives job to build up her husbands ego, appreciate him, respect him…and by doing that its all in the words she says and the way she says it. He needs that, its just how men are wired. See the good in him, focus on those qualities. If she were to speak negative of him or to him she'll less likely get cherished, loved and adored by him.

  117. I’m glad a friend posted this blog and I had the opportunity to read it. I’m guilty of things on the list and it was hard yet helpful to see it written down. I hope my significant other and I can have a conversation about this to see where he is at. I read both articles you have written on this topic and I wanted to point out one problem I had. I feel both lists go both ways, like you mentioned. It doesn’t have to be a blog about what women and what men do. It can just be a list of things people in relationships tend to do. I recognize this probably also wasn’t intentional, but it’s thinking like this that keeps the gender stereotypes alive. I would encourage people to look at their thinking around significant others in a more broad way. Yes there are biological differences(such as hormones that contribute to different aspects of any relationship) but your “better half” is a person.

  118. Even as a guy who has just been dating a girl for several years, I see these pop up on occasion. It’s kind of relieving to see that I’m not the only one who feels these things from time to time.

  119. I am newly married and I realized as I read I do several of these things. Now I am aware and can make an effort to be better. Thank you for writing this article!

  120. I just have to tell you…….this post was excellent. I an a woman who has been wounded and bitter and have also done the wounding. This was very educational and allowed me to step back and see how he probably feels and that doesn’t make me feel very good. We have been married 15 yrs and its been tough but I’m glad I have a MSN that doesn’t give up on me even though I wanted to give up on him so many times. W are now at a point in our marriage where we are able to truly able to love each other.

  121. this seems like a two way street to me, not just how a wife injures her husband, but the same in return. all of them! especially the one on appreciation, women do lots of work, but because we are so good at multitasking it gets taken for granted everyday, whether we are a working mother or a housewife.

  122. I felt this to apply to me as much as her….thank you..i enjoyed…i found this on facebook unsure of reading it.i plane to share

  123. You know a young 21 year old male, I see this constantly, and it’s honestly the reason I refuse to settle down, I have unfortunately jaded myself through some of my past actions and it’s not easy to trust from causing myself unnessacary pain. I’m trying a new tactic now thought to counteract my past blunders, act like a privilege to be treated as one and it seems to work, I’m glad to have seen the other post on husbands, it seems those behaviors is what I have changed and more, so I am glad to have seen that, it gave me confidence that I’m headed in the correct direction! To the poster, you sir have my respect however I could do without the religious propaganda I do see that you and I have common views at least in this area, it is very refreshing and revitalizing to know my current path is just, I have recently started dating again, I’m with someone who is on the same page in the same book so hopefully this time, the story continues, thank you again for the added “ego” boost

  124. Thank you so much for posting this. I am sad to say, this hit home very hard. After my husband cheated many years ago, I started treating him badly, and I guess he took it all quietly for me, maybe because he felt he had to. Unfortunately, it became a bad habit that stuck and I justified it in my mind. After years of trying to make things right, he says he is closed off and is ready to leave me because of the way I treat him.

    After reading this article, I realized, I do 6 out of the 7 and I am not proud of that. I want my marriage to last, especially since there are 3 incredibly awesome kids involved. After reading this article, I am ready to rid myself of resentment and start loving again.

    Thank you so much, this reached me at just the right time.

  125. I am so blessed to be married to the most amazing, hard working, confident man that God could've chosen for me. Thanks for this post. This list will be posted in a place I can see often. I needed this reminder so I can be the best wife I can for him.

  126. Thank you so much for putting up this post my fiancé and I aren’t married yet but have been together for 2 years living together for a year and a half this post gives me some awesome insight and I am def guilty of prolly everything you posted thank you and I am determined to change the things I do that hurt him. Again thank you

  127. Most women don’t like hearing the things they do wrong. It never feels good knowing you’ve failed, however, it’s necessary so we can grow and develop a stronger relationship with our spouse. Perfection doesn’t exist, but that doesn’t mean we should stop striving for it. If I’m doing something wrong than I want to know about it. Thank you for posting this. It was very insightful and I appreciate the male perspective.

  128. Great topic! Life has its struggles, in many ways married couples have double struggles! After the wedding comes the marriage! God has ordained that the two become one. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves his church, he gave his all for her! Wives are to honor/obey their husbands as the church is to honor & obey Christ. When a husband loves his wife as Christ (the bride groom) loves the church (his bride), why wouldn't the wife desire to honor her husband? As Christians we are commanded to esteem others as greater than ourselves. This runs contrary to the world's way! Thus, we need a steady diet of God's Word that we may learn His truth & will for life/marriage; also constant prayer & regular fellowship with like believers for accountability & strength that we may be able to overcome Satan's attacks! Also remember, husbands, "happy wife – happy life!" If each marriage partner doesn't bring the other along side as his/her equal, it ain't going to work!

  129. I really appreciate your article and that’s coming from a wife that fits 6 out of the 7! Sadly I knew some things I was doing but not all and to the extent. Some of the things like putting down my husband has addressed to me but I thought he was crazy according to the article I do exactly that and didn’t realize that. This article has put my husband’s emotional state of well being into perspective for me so thank you.

  130. I am a woman and I read this article. You want to know what I thought? Very well done. I think every woman should read this article. My husband and I are newly weds and we love each other no doubt, but we do tend to pull away from one another more frequently than we should. After reading this I can understand why. I am guilty of some of these things and after reading this, I know what things I can work on to bring us closer when we do drift apart. Is all the blame on me? No. But I do play my part in this too. When we pull away I can sit down and think, ” have I done any of the 7 things lately?” and try to correct my actions. Thank you for posting this article.

  131. Some of these things are more easily changed than others. For example, it wouldn’t be too hard to stop putting him down in front of other people. However, how do you address the badgering? Whether it’s a husband, child, or wife, badgering only hurts. However, if the other party repeatedly won’t help out when you’ve asked and gives no explanation for why, what choice are you left with? Sometimes badgering is a cause of hurt…. and sometimes, it’s the effect.

  132. Thank you for this:) I unfortunately am guilty of some of these and it crushes me that I have probably been hurting my hubs for a long time. Definitely not my intention, so thank you for this post:) I appreciate it 🙂 I have been chronically ill for a really long time, so we have struggled, and I hate all the pressure already on him….But thank you for sharing this with everyone. I definitely will make a conscious effort to not do this, because the last thing I want to do is for my husband to feel any kind of pain that I feel 🙂

  133. Thank you my son sent the link . He see more of what is happening I pray my wife will be open to it . Thank you

    In His love

  134. I realize that most of the points refer to a husband's ego. I am a wife but I disagree that such statements can emotionally hurt a man. These issues which you refer to can be so easily solved by communication. If a wife says or does something offensive to her husband's ego, all he have to do is share his disappointments with her. His failure to do so contributes also to his emotional pain. No relationship is successful or peaceful in the absence of healthy communication. Healthy communication is not only sharing good news and compliments but also bad news and disappointments. If a husband struggles with expressing his disappointments with his wife, this relationship has other issues and the husband has personal issue which he need to address. I do sincerely agree that words and behavior do effect our emotions, but communication can assist in such act not being repeated. And men need to move beyond their ego and look within themselves and the word of God for their purpose in marriage. I never read in the bible about a wife having to support her husband's ego.

  135. Great article, also at the bottom of this article I recommend the related article, 7 Ways a Husband Injures a Wife…Without Even Knowing It.
    I recommend this not only for husbands and wife’s but to boyfriends and girlfriends.
    It will help you realize how our god designed a man and woman to work.
    Now stop reading this for a few moments and think about the word designed.
    Now I think of an artists paint brush and I would not take it out in the yard and dig a hole with it, that would totally ruin it and I would end up frustrated. Now if you use it for what is was designed for you can create a painting that when you step back and take a good look it brings joy to your heart.
    When you step back and look at your relationship with your spouse would it not be awesome to have joy fill your heart instead of being frustrated.

    When I realized this a while back it crushed me and drove me to my knees in agonizing pain because I realized it a few months to late and that would be after we where Divorced.

    Now how can a man that loves his wife so much it hurts and a woman love her husband so much it hurts end up this way, well in the simplest way I can put it, we took our paint brushes out in the yard and tried to dig a hole with them.

    What I realized and drove me to my knees was the hurt and pain I unknowingly inflicted on my wife.
    Now think about that guys this is real hurt real pain! That she feels.
    For years I brushed off her designed need and desire for me to open up and share myself with her to tell her my feelings as just some silly woman thing. Now if any of you men out there have the phrase
    (silly woman thing) in you vocabulary pleas hit the delete button now and replace it with
    (Designed Need and Desire).

    God is good !

    David Oslund:

  136. Yes I read it, yes I’ve been guilty of some… More often than I care to admit, but I admit… Doesn’t make me mad, angry or ready to tear apart, in any way(3 I wanna thank u fir bringing these to my attention(3 for if not, then I would prob continue to be guilty, until I heard God speak(3 He spoke to me, thru ur blog and I am soo grateful!! I want to make the Love of My Life, The Daddy of My Children, and My Best Friend, Happier than ever imagined(3 Thank u so very much!!! GOD BLESS(3… Love in Christ, Heather(3

  137. Your article was a slap in the face but a much needed one. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, been together for 11 years. Sometimes its easier to not face that maybe I am not as good of a wife as I should be and visa versa. We are the only relationship each other know and when you take into account me being responsible for all 7 of these…it could explain a lot of issues in our relationship.Thank you for your honesty and helpfulness.

  138. Thanks for sharing!!! This is so true and hits home for me. Things I never thought of and we need to do better on building our husbands up emotionally.

  139. I read both of these and I love what you had to say!! I have not even been married a year yet (with my now husband for over 5 years though) and I have to say these are things I am learning. We got together young, had children young, and got married pretty young. He just turned 22 and I am 23 but I believe understanding things like this about him as a man help us mature in our marriage. There are definitely times where I’ve done the things that you’ve mentioned and it is crazy the difference it makes in even a day of our relationship. Being more aware and intentional in the way we treat each other and react to each other is so important. Love these posts!!!

  140. It hurts but so true! I'm a wife married to a lovely and patient man yet I hurt him. I knew what i was doing wrong but didn't admit it really, I always wanted to be right. He is so silent when I kind of tell him off. Now I understand that it's because he is hurt. Thank you for the lesson so much, this is a great reminder. May God help me to humble myself to admit when I'm wrong and to appreciate my husband and love him for who he is. BIG THANK YOU!

  141. Love it!! We've been to counceling and have been working much better as a team raising kids and running a house!! This is a great reminder of pain that is probably still under the surface and needs more tender encouragement 🙂 THANK YOU!!

  142. As I read this, I was reminded that my first wife regularly practiced 4 or 5 of these. I am happily remarried now, and truly blessed with a wife that has not displayed any of these behaviors. (At least that I have noticed) It truly makes a difference in how I feel about our relationship. Also about myself in general. Thanks for sharing.

  143. Having read this post and its companion, I think that it might be a good reminder that these are ways that damage a child as well. Parents can be some of the most judgmental people in the world, and they do these very things to their children.

  144. One thing was left out. Not showing him any respect. For a man to have the respect of his wife means the world. For him to not have it drags him down in every area of life faster than just about anything.

    Just my 2 cents. Great post! 🙂

  145. Apryl, It really depends on the particulars of your situation, but I'm pretty sure destroying him emotionally isn't a viable solution. Your husband may be a piece of work. I don't know. Most of us have areas where we could use discipline. In general, though, what I have observed is that when things are equitable both husband and wife tend to feel like it's unfair. So as a rule of thumb, if it seems fair, then you probably aren't giving enough. If it seems unfair, then you are being like Christ. Rest in him.

  146. While these topics are about what a man (husband) needs from his wife or how he feels, what is this suppose to do to help a marriage? You are addressing only one person in that marriage. This is not meant to be ugly or derogatory. It is a very serious need to know question. How do you respond to that? How does the wife do all these wonderful things to help her husband when it is all about what HE needs. I guess I don't get it.

  147. I just want to say thank you for both the wife and husband hurting each other posts. I’m not married yet as I find my fiancee puts me down a lot and I’m planning on having him read both those posts as to me they were inspiring. I’ve been on bed rest for a day and only ordered to be on for two and he chooses to go out with his friend instead of being with me and helping me out. I have a 3 yr old and a boy on the way due in march. I’m just hoping your post will touch him as it touched me.

  148. We do and say a lot without even knowing the impact it has on the ones we love and care about. Me and my wife of 5 years are guilty of most of these things to a point that we aviod talking about issues. Sometimes we would go as far as 2 weeks without communicating because of this and this is negetively affecting our marriage, worse of all we dont stay together because of work. I love my wife very much and I really like our marriage to work out, so I’m going to do the best I can to make it work. Thanks guys.

  149. I can definitely relate to this. I know I'm guilty of some or most of them and try to stay away from it.
    I think the "Complain about what you don't have or get to do" can also apply to the men tho. This has been an area in our marriage where I am the one who is wounded. If my husband isn't happy where we're living (military) or with the car he's driving etc it makes me feel like I"ve somehow failed as a wife b/c he's not happy.

  150. This post really helped me. I’m not married yet, but i am living with my fiancee. I hadn’t realized how much i was already hurting him and we’re not even married yet. I will take this post and let it help me throughout our relationship. Thank you!

  151. I read your article, and then the comments, and it seems to me that most of the comments should be attached to your companion article, "7 Ways a Husband Injures a Wife…Without Even Knowing It". Ladies, if you truly own that you are guilty of the above, why do you then turn around and put int back on your husbands? Just curious. It would make more sense, if you see yourselves doing this to your husbands, to take ownership of the problems, and try to make changes in your own behaviors.

  152. My husband and I have been married for a year in February. Thank you for posting this. We have been having some issues lately, and I actually do… well, honestly, all of these things. He isn't the type to TELL me when I do something wrong, though, so I guess I didn't realize what a large impact it all had on him. I needed to hear it from an outside perspective. Again, thank you!

  153. As a woman who is getting prepared to be married in December, I want to say thank you for your wisdom and for sharing! I am guilty of several of these things and I am going to share this with my fiancé so we can talk these things out in premarital counseling. I know that we are imperfect people and that we won’t know everything before we get married, but it’s very nice to read this and see what I can be working on before and during our marriage. Thanks again!

  154. I wish I had seen this before my husband and I separated. I am guilty of several of these and want to fix things but I think he damage has already been done… I am hoping by me working on myself shows him I am willing to be a better wife.

  155. I just have to commend my wife at this point for not being guilty of these things at all. If anything, she apologizes if she has to remind me of something more than a couple of time. I tell her it's okay because she also knows my memory isn't very good. She expresses appreciating when I do something around the house, whether I did it the "right way" or or not. But really, as long as it gets done, she doesn't care how it got done. If she uses the "you always" phrase, it's to tell me something that I do all the time that she appreciates. God has richly blessed me with this queen among women and our children's spiritual development shows the fruits of her sacrificial giving in the family. I only pray that I am as good a husband for her as she is a wife for me.

  156. Yep I’m guilty of some of these. I will say I have and never will put my husband down in public or private. nor will I call him on his flaws. but I do go behind him when he misses spots on dishes, or cleaning in general, but he does it to me as well lol. I do however constantly nag about things he doesn’t do that would be a huge help on me. being a full time wife and Mom of 3 is hard and someone else doing the dishes or laundry or anything now and then is a huge help, even if its just once a week. so I’ll give some advise for all hard working husbands and dads, help her out once in a while, we really do appreciate it even if we forget to thank you.

  157. Wow I am a wife and this is really good information . We have been arguing more than usual and after reading this , I now see that it could very well likely be the things I do and say! Now that I’ve read this im going to definitely try to change the way I say somethings. Thank you so much for this information!

  158. Thank you for the insight! After being married to my husband for almost 20 years, I know I have been guilty of all these things, at one time or another. I am also happy to say that over the years, I have learned to be conscience of how to avoid doing them. Most of these are plain common sense….for me, anyway. For other people, not so much. I think I've learned a lot just by watching the way other couples treat each other. Most seem absolutely clueless and its really sad. If you are lucky enough to find someone as willing to work on a marriage as you are, it makes life so much more rewarding. We've had difficult times, but things always seem to be better when we BOTH focus on what the other wants instead of getting stuck in taking care of ourselves.

  159. Maybe it wasn’t your intent in the blog, but it seems sarcastic when you say things such as “always show him you can do things better than he can do things, he will appreciate that.”

    sarcasm probably isn’t appropriate when giving advice to people about what NOT to do. Some people may misconstrue your meaning.

    Just trying to offer some constructive criticism. Thank you for the blog.

  160. Well this post is helpful.. Am not a wife yet but it definately helps me in preparation to be one some day.. I kindly request that your wife posts 7 ways to injure a wife without realising here too.. I think its only fair lol

  161. I am sure every word is correct and I fail many times in these areas. I notice a real diffrence

    In my marraige when I do get it correct!! Ladies the change is beautiful I just mention I wanted some romance I woke up to a coffee creamer my favorite and fllowers in my refrigorator which ment he was out way after work and midnight to get them for me! To be fair in counseling with a wonderful christian Greg Williams who is all about saving marraige.


    Thanks David for the reminder

    It’s so true


  162. Thanks for the reminder. Coming from a previously wounded woman, who is about to get married in May 2014, I will definitely do my best to remember what I read here today.


  163. I am guilty of all of these and I needed this reminder. I could try to excuse myself by pointing out all of my husband's flaws, but that would just further my sin. Were it not for Christ, I would have left my husband awhile ago. I do not like being the breadwinner and the housekeeper both. I want kids and feel like time is running out, but I have to give that up for now because he doesn't want them any time soon. I am not happily married, but I am married. I keep reminding myself that, though my union on earth seems unfair, my union with Christ is even more so. I do nothing for Christ; He does everything for me. So, for His sake, I can live through anything, even a marriage that doesn't make me happy. Christ is more interested in my sanctification. I hope that that will come as I learn to love and respect the nan in my life.

  164. I agree with the ways a wife injures her husband, and I'm guilty of many. I've been married to the same man for more than 30 years, and I spent the majority of it as his "cheerleader", encouraging him, going along with his decisions, etc., all while he's looking at other women inappropriately, partying, etc. I finally reached that explosive point because he wasn't showing me respect. I used to say he doesn't return the same to me, but now I call it RESPECT. We're still together, and I've come to realize that I'm responsible for my behavior and communication toward/with him, and through my changes in me, he's now learning how to be more respectful of me. I know he has always loved me, but being taken for granted and disrespected is not okay, and I finally let him know. On the other hand, it's not okay for me to say and do things that hurt him either, and I'm still working on pushing out the hurt and betrayal so I can move forward. I started going to a Christian counselor for myself, and it has helped me in so many ways. I love and care about him, and I also need to take care of myself and my well-being.

  165. I love them for it but I've never asked for a handout in my life and I don't ask for help until I am way over my head. (It's that stubborn streak I was born with ~ LOL) I would never ask anyone for money and I didn't ask for this either. I simply burst into tears and wanted to crawl in a hole. I am in no way perfect, never have been and never claimed to be, but it's very hard to have or show respect for someone who's not providing for his family and only wants to do what's FUN, thereby letting others take care of his responsibilities as a grown up. Maybe if we had some medical insurance (we do NOT qualify for Medicaid because we made too much LAST YEAR!!) we could see a Counselor and get some help. I'm at the end of my rope but can't afford to buy one!!

  166. I'm in the exact same boat you are in Martha. My husband has "always been" the type to 'ignore' the kids when they need discipline but be their biggest playmate when it was 'Fun Time', making ME the Parole Officer and resident Bad Guy ~ a role for the Head of the House both in and out of Scripture. He ignores things to get out of doing them, whether it's the kids fighting, paying bills (Which he has never done!), fixing a leaky faucet, letting a fallen tree limb lay in the front yard for over a month, etc. I would never have used the word "lazy" to describe him 20 years ago. Now, however?!?!?!? He lost another job back in September (2nd job in 4 years) and is at this moment sitting 5 feet from me watching tv at noon on a Thursday (his present occupation, along with playing the PS3) instead of looking for a job that will pay enough for us to be able to Insure our 3 children. Another Head of the House Responsibility. This past Christmas, I was handed both gift cards and cash from some of our church family members who only wanted to help us out and I never knew what it was like to be utterly humiliated until that moment.

  167. This was written for me. I am guilty of every one of those, especially recently. For the first years of marriage, I tried really hard to be the good supporting Christian wife. Out of respect for my husband, I didn't talk to anyone when I was upset, to my emotional and spiritual detriment. I've had enough, and now I'm talking. After years of emotional and sometimes physical neglect, I am now too emotionally injured to care what he thinks. My dreams of being a stay at home mom are crushed, as I had to become the sole provider when he wouldn't look for another job, after first quitting one and the next company closing. Now he's too comfortable and has no desire for the responsibility of providing. (He might express that differently, but he's certainly not comfortable with me not earning a paycheck!) My point? This works both ways. The nagging thing? If it's asked more than once, it's important. If you ignore something that is important to us, it tells us we're not important. If we are not important to you, then why should you and your feelings be important to us? I get we all have bad days, but when days turn into months and years the message is loud and clear.