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5 Suggestions to Make Family Time More Effective

Frankly, I wish it happened more often, but I am always encouraged when it does.

Occasionally a young father will come to me wanting to know how to be a better husband or father. One thing they specifically ask is how to take advantage of the time they have with their family and to be more effective with the family’s time together.

Time seems more at a premium these days than ever in my life. Time has always passed quickly. It has always been valuable, but today’s family time seems more stretched than ever. So many distractions, activities and interruptions face busy families.

Wise parents realize the need to make the best use of the time they have together.

To be candid, our family never excelled at “family devotions”. Having a weekly Bible study and prayer session together just never seemed to take root in our family. We tried them — and we did some — but we were far more intentional with the unstructured time we had. Reflecting now, we have two young men as sons who love Jesus, are active in their church, and strive to serve Christ vocationally.

From what we learned — much by mistake and all by grace — we learned a few things about making the best use of our time as a family.

Here are 5 suggestions to make family time more effective:

Begin with a plan for your home and each child

You seldom hit a target you aren’t aiming to hit — certainly less likely to hit one you haven’t defined. Just as adults may have a plan for their career or finances, parents need a plan for operating their home. It may help if it is written, but should definitely summarize the major goals you hope to accomplish in your home. Because each child is different, I also believe parents should have different plans for each child. Ask yourself:

  • What do we want our children to be like some day?
  • What kind of people do we want them to be?
  • What should their character be like?
  • How can we best encourage them to get there?
  • What does this child need from me most — right now, at this stage of their life?

You’ll find your family time more effective when you have a plan, because it will consciously and unconsciously help focus your attention and energies on the things that matter most when you are together. And, here’s the flip side — without a plan you waste a lot of energy on things which really won’t accomplish what you say you want to accomplish.

Major on the majors, not on the minors

I found my boys were more willing to talk, listen, and interact with us when they weren’t always worried if they measure up to our approval. Children feel burdened under the yoke of rules. It weighs them down trying to stay within the lines. Some things matter and some things don’t. Figure out the non-negotiable issues and primarily concentrate on them. I tended to lean towards character issues as majors and individual preferences as minors. You’ll choose what these are for your home, but everything shouldn’t be major. Majoring on everything produces very stressed-out, perfectionist children, who always seem to struggle to meet other people’s expectations of them. And, when this is the culture of your home your time will be less than effective. It made it easier to concentrate on bigger issues they would carry into life — character, moral type issues.

Make the guidelines in your home easy to figure out

There does need to be rules. Children need guidelines to follow — again, especially those that focus on the major things you want to accomplish in them. Talk about the rules you have for your home and be sure to tell the children the why behind those rules, as much as they can understand. Be consistent in carrying out the rules in the home, in a firm, but loving way. If you’re not going to enforce a rule — don’t have one. Children shouldn’t have to guess how you’ll respond to an issue. As children learn your heart and ways, they can better trust you, which will help them enjoy themselves around you and rely on you for your wisdom and input as they get older. That’s really the overall goal we were were seeking in our time as a family. We knew we were raising them to be adults. The bond we built with them when they were young has directly impacted our relationship with them as adults.

Be purposeful with your time

Look for teaching moments as they are presented and keep your desired outcomes in mind as you parent. For our family that was often at dinner time — which we tried to make happen most nights in spite of our busy schedules of work, ball, school activities, and church. It also involved me kicking or throwing a ball, even some nights when I was tired and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch with a remote in my hand. I’ve never seen effective parenting accomplished while in front of the television. (Ouch!) If you want more effective family time, take advantage of the time you do have and be intentional, implementing the plan you have for your family. Children won’t always be available to you, especially as they get older. As much as you can, to be an effective parent, always strive to be available to them when they want you to be.

Surround everything with grace and love

We wanted our home to be a “fun” place for children to be. We wanted to belly laugh often and have special memories of those times. That required lots of grace and love. I tried to remember, as a dad, I was many times modeling Christ for my children. Much of their understanding of Christ would come from their relationship to their earthly father (and mother). I’ve been given so much grace shouldn’t my children reap the benefit? Great families realize everyone makes mistakes — parents and children — and so they give multiple chances, forgive easily, and reconcile quickly.

Obviously these are just suggestions. Implementing them in your home will be different than it was in my home, because you are different and your children are different. Thinking through your parenting in a more systematic, intentional way will make you a better parent and help your time as a family be more effective.

What are some suggestions you have for making family time more effective?

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Ron Edmondson

Author Ron Edmondson

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Join the discussion 14 Comments

  • jimpemberton says:

    Fabulous list! My wife is far better with kids than I am. They are with her more often and likewise she has always dealt with them more and been there to discipline them. For example, I just got back from Venezuela. We were all down there together. They are still there for another week. One summer, they spent 10 weeks there while I had to work most of the summer. They are all out junior brothers and sisters in Christ now and they are learning how to serve him by coming with us. That said, my plan has been to discipline them through her. The way I do this is to sit down with her from time to time and talk about our kids' spiritual development. That way we're on the same page. When she's there to discipline and disciple them, she has in mind what our stated goals are for them.

    There is something I would add. One of the best things for kids is to know that the love their parents have for them comes from the love their parents have for each other. This means that they know that they come in third place, so to speak: God is first, my wife and I are second to each other, and kids come in third. But it also means that they know that my wife and I have each other's back. Whenever the kids disrespect either one of us, the other will discipline them. It works best this way. They know how to respect me because they see how their mother respects me and they know how to respect her because they see how I respect their mother. So she's in a good place to teach the kids how to respect me and I'm in a good place to teach them how to respect her. Also, we leave them no chance that they will ever pit us against each other to get what they want.

  • NaJe says:

    Maybe add putting away technology to the list…

  • Hey Ron! Great post, especially for those with children. I think it could really help those guys out.

    For those of us without children, how would you recommend creating more time together when work schedules are crazy?

  • Melissa says:

    Love the post Ron, yes…dinner together, love, laughter, forgiveness…all make for great family!

    One thing I failed at sometimes, but would recommend is to really 'not sweat the small stuff'…IF the house is not totally straight one Saturday morning, don't waste time and energy critiquing the chores done by all, overlook some of that and enjoy those moments that are fast fleeting….forget the closet clean-out and enjoy of game of pick up basketball with the kids.

    Why just last night while having our grown 'kids' over for dinner, I could have stressed making sure everything in kitchen was just right, but instead chose to sit with my grandson on my knee and watch my 24 year old daughter playing with bubbles!!! I've learned I wouldn't trade those moments for sorted socks, or a perfectly set table, for the world.

    So I guess my advice is to ease up on the check-off list….

  • Great post Ron. You mentioned being purposeful – this has been the key to our effectiveness in family relationships. Purpose in vacations, mom and dad getaways, when we eat meals, what we talk about at meals, when we go to bed, when we get up, etc.

  • This was terrifc and well said. I especially needed the reminder to be intentional now that it is summertime! And though it is hard, it is so important to major on the majors and " not sweat the small stuff."
    One other suggestion I have is to try have family dinner together at least ONCE a week, preferably more. Take this time to talk about your days, your highs and lows. Oh, and make sure laughter abounds in your home!

    • ronedmondson says:

      Yes, I love laughter. In my parenting model, which is a separate post, I list that one. A fun home keeps them near your heart and seeking your wisdom, even when they leave the home. (Which is where I'm at now in my parenting.)Thanks!