Today for Friday discussion, I want to talk about belonging….
To belong means: to have the proper qualifications, especially social qualifications, to be a member of a group; be suitable or acceptable…
This could be a difficult subject for some…not because the questions I’m going to ask are necessarily difficult questions…but because the answers could hurt…cause pain…
I believe, however, that there is an inner need in each of us feel that we belong someowhere. Until we find a place where we feel welcomed by others…a place where we feel loved, accepted, and secure in our relationship, we will continue to search.
Chip Ingram said recently that the reasons for a joining a country club or a gang are the same…we are all searching for a place to belong.
So, today, would you dialogue with me and other readers.
Here are the questions to consider:
Is there a place where you feel you belong…unconditionally?
Where are the places you most feel welcome…included…like you belong?
Are there any groups, organizations, situations…where you feel you do not belong?
What makes you feel like you belong somewhere?
What makes you feel excluded?
When is a time you felt excluded from a situation, group, or organization?
When you feel excluded, do you think it’s more because of the group or organization, or because of your own insecurities?
Here’s a hard question for a pastor to ask…but I must…
Have you ever been made to feel you didn’t belong in the church?
Do you think the church today (speaking in a general sense about the church…) makes people feel as if they belong?
Let’s talk belonging today…
Be honest….
Good day,
Iam thinking of leaving my church after 9 years.
I have had issues with a leader whom l cared and helped when ever she needed me.
The problem is she has let me down our relationship is very strained.
l need to move on, having forgiven her.
Even Prior to our fallout never really felt that l belonged.
I serve diligently in the children's ministry where l love to serve.
I need to either stay or move to another church, l have been praying about this this past year.
l would appreciate and advise given.
I’ve only felt like I have truly belonged once, when I was in high school youth group. Now that I m in my early 20’s not married and still working on my degree, I fell utterally alone, and have for many many years. I have tried many small groups within the church, and its the same everywhere I go…..
I have close inner circle of friends and a younger brother that makes me feel unconditionally accepted. Unfortunately, not a great relationship with parents.
At work I feel connected to a few, but it's not a place I feel like i can 100% myself.
Feeling like you belong, comes when people don't overly judge or whisper behind your back. There's a freedom to approach people and they feel free to talk to you. You can make a mistake and it doesn't hit the (company, church or other place) grapevine.
There are more clicks in a church than at most major high schools.
Thanks for sharing Laurinda. Hope the relationship with your parents improves. Listen to my message from last week about mine.
I will check out your message. Thanks Pastor Ron!
Twitter: tijuanabecky
says:
There are a lot of places where I feel I don't belong or where I don't fit in. Belonging is hard for my in the real world because I'm not good with talking and if it's not structured I have no idea what to do. I don't really feel like I belong in my family sometimes too. I struggle with it because I'm not like the people around me here. The things I like to do are not considered the norm for my age group and others. I fit in with the young children, on the worship team, behind a computer, and in the elementary classroom that's about it.
Now online I fit in like completely. I'm with a group of people who know what they're taking about. The blog, Facebook, Twitter, email, reading blogs, leadership, Church Online, etc..that world I fit in. But outwardly offline I don't fit in because I'm into social networking and the like. In other words the people around me haven't caught up to the times.
I think what helps us feel that we belong is when we feel loved, valued, accepted, and have something in common with the others there.
I think that most churches are set up to have qualitying standards for acceptance, just as they do for membership, they standards for acceptance are just not written down. However, I have found a church where I am accepted warts and all, and I have a lot of warts.
What is the difference between a church that accepts broken people, and one that does not? In my opinion, it depends on whether or not the pastor is a broken man. Broken pastors welcome everyone, no matter what.
It seems like the churches that accept broken people are bigger than the ones that do not. I think it is because there are more broken people in the world.
Thanks for adding your thoughts to the discussion. I agree about the broken pastor comment.
Wow. That's a big bunch of hard questions for a Friday. Personally, there are several places that I feel I don't belong, but I'm not gonna share here because I don't know you all well enough (small group rule #1 – begin slowly and don't share too much, too early).
In terms of the church, I think to some extent each church's unique location or existing congregation can make some feel more at home than others. I'm OK with that on one level. I believe God has created each church to be in unique ministry to a distinct group of people – one church can't be everything to everyone. Yes, I am crushing on "Church Unique" right now.
In general though, I think the church has a bad rep – we are known more for what we oppose than for what we believe. When people have the impression that the church (meaning all churches and people who go to church) is against something, then by definition, church is a place where not everyone belongs. I'm pretty sure that's not the kind of church Jesus had in mind.
Thanks for sharing what you did!
8. I think the church thinks they make people feel like they belong. But belonging is connected to a purpose and mission. That is not to say that the Gospel is not a good enough purpose or mission but we get so focused on who we are specifically trying to reach or trying to disciple that we unintentionally exclude others. If our sole purpose was the spread of Christ love no matter their paradigm I would say we could create a sense of belonging. But birds of a feather flock togther and make nest for themselves.
Good thoughts Mason.
7. This might seem common but just yesterday I felt that way. I had lunch with a college friend of mine who happens to be the director of ministries at the church I attend. I asked him what he would consider the purpose of the church to be. His response, "to reach English speaking families and help them grow closer to Christ." Now mind you I am in Korea near an Air Force base so the english speaking would most certainly need to be a qualifier. But by families he meant not only a husband and a wife but also the 1.5 children. I'm not against ministering to families, but what about the un-accompanied community, the single community, the young married community, the married with no kids community? The purpose is so concentrated on that single market the rest of the communities miss out unless they serve that single purpose. And some do, but many do not because there is no purpose for them and where they are in their lives.
Thanks Mason.
6. For me, I'm comforterable with my lacking. I've learned to accept that I'm not a swiss army knife. However that does not completely absolve me and place total responsibility upon the group. I find that when I have a difficult time belonging it is becasue I do not, nor am I willing to subscribe to the groups purpose or mentality.
Good point…
Unconditionally? That'd be only with my kids. Pretty close with my marriage but no, I don't feel it's unconditional. I feel like I belong in my church small group, in my company, in one of the committees I have served on for years in my industry, in my mom's bunco group. I'm working to feel like I belong in the community of mom bloggers, but that's such a large group and there is always cliquishness in groups that size.
After two years I finally feel like I belong at my church, but it's so big that I think it's hard for people to feel like they belong there. They have to serve in some capacity before they get that sense of belonging.
I have been made to feel I don't belong among a former church ladies group, because I worked outside the home and didn't intend to homeschool. I still get that sense within certain circles online. I do hope that I make others feel like they belong.
Thanks for sharing.
In regards to the church…I have always felt welcome at any church that I have been to.
As for the church in general…The US church has a long ways to go. Some do a good job, others fail miserably and unfortunately the ones that failed tend to havea louder voice than the ones that succeed.
I tend to be an introvert so not feeling included is usually something on my end.
I'm a huge Christ follower – and feel like I belong in my family, my marriage, my work, my small group. Without the small group, I would not feel much like I belonged at the church. It's big and if you don't come, you aren't missed.
Thanks Nancy.
The Church has a long ways to go in this area. Around these parts and i use to hear it, but i refused to believe it until it happened to me. If you make a decision to leave a Church for whatever reason people you thought would die for you won't even acknowledge you exist. We need to work toward unity and realize that other people in the body of Christ are not the enemy. We need to become like Jesus and stick closer than a brother no matter what. The world looks at how we treat each other and they want nothing to do with us.
I've been there David.
Be honest? I'm one who needs to create where I belong so others can belong as well.
Ha!
Lots of questions, only a few answers.
I know unconditionally that I belong with my family, my husband and my daughter. My daughter is adopted from China, but regardless of where she came from, she is my daughter, whom I love with all my heart and soul. When people question me about how could I love her because she's not my "biological" child, I quite honestly, want to slap them upside the head. Once that feeling passes, I simply explain that she is who God had chosen for me and regardless of how she came to me, will never change my love for her.
Right now, I am searching for where I belong in the community. We have recently moved across the country, after living in the same town for 14 years. It's been an adventure. Not sure if this is where I belong yet though. But it is where I am supposed to be for this season.
As to the local church – oh yes, I have definitely felt I didn't belong. But I think some of that had to do with the prevailing attitude of the town where the churches were located. If you weren't a native to the area, you were an outsider, regardless of how long you lived there. This attitude carried over to many of the local churches. Thankfully I did find one that did not subscribe to this mindset and I did belong there for many years.
For the global church – I think it's a mixed bag. Some are more accepting than others. Some are more Christ like in their acceptance of who you are, warts and all. Others will not welcome you if you don't fit their pre-defined mold. But I think that is the case with any group in society, not just the church.
Thanks for the challenging post. It's given me a lot to think about today.
You have great answers. Thanks
Do you think the church today (speaking in a general sense about the church…) makes people feel as if they belong?
This varies greatly from church to church, and my comment sincerely is not about a specific church. I'm afraid most churches in 'upper middle class American Christian culture' are made up of people in a consumer mentality, thus is it hard for the church to make people feel welcome. Making someone feel welcome requires a desire on individual Christ-followers to receive and embrace people. While obvious, that is not necessarily the case with the majority of attenders.
Some of this can be affected with good leadership, training, equipping. Strong welcome teams, great 'guest services' and the nurturing of leaders to be very aware of new people. But the church's back doors are probably biggest because people try to 'find their place' and fail.
I agree. It does vary church to church.
When you feel excluded, do you think it’s more because of the group or organization, or because of your own insecurities?
In my context, it is usually the group or the organization having already made up its mind about who they will allow or won't allow to be influencers. BUT, I have learned that God works in many, many ways to influence, and that it's 'not on me' if what He brings to the table through me isn't requested or received. That runs the risk of 'sounding' conceited, but all we can do is offer up what God gives us. We must be secure in that and keep moving. And, we must be open to other ways to influence other than directly through the structure, as long as we are not subversive or sneaky.
I think you're right.
Thoughts on a few of the questions:
Where are the places you most feel welcome…included…like you belong?
#1 is home, where hearts and minds are focused the same direction and where there is 'safety' on all levels.
#2 is wherever my gifts are needed and wanted, such as in a group of hungry believers, or in a setting with 1 or more mentees who are seeking growth in Christ. My job in life is to pass on what God gives me. That takes many forms, but 'feeding the flock' is a major one. I know I 'belong' when a need is being met by what God has put in me.
Thanks Victor for sharing.
I am disabled, have been all my life. I am thirty four. I question my place in life in many, many ways. Feels like I just drift from one place to the other. Church I do feel part of.
Thanks for sharing this honestly..
Twitter: jonathanpearson
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The church certainly has a long way to go with this. I'm blessed to work with a group of people that's great at helping others belong… me included.
It's great to feel included. Thanks Jonathan. And Jeremy is loving his building relationship with you!
Artie, that's a great feeling to have those kind of men in your life! Look forward to being with you soon.
Praise God, I do have a "group" of men that I feel completely "safe" with and have a sense of belonging. But the church…We aren't there yet. I think it's an issue of creating the right environments, not that we don't have the right heart to do it.
There's only one physical place where I believe that I should feel that I belong unconditionally and that's in my marriage, which is one of many places that I feel I just don't belong anymore. Some of it's my fault, but a lot of is isn't.
To feel that I really belong anywhere, I believe that I need to feel accepted for who I am, but also held accountable for my actions, etc. If I do good, tell me; if I fail, tell me that too and hold me accountable for fixing the problems. I used to believe that hard work and dedication got one places, helped one belong; I'm not so sure that I believe that anymore. And right now, I'm not sure that I feel I belong anywhere or to anyone except the Lord.
I've never personally felt excluded from our church, but in the larger sense I have. I believe that our church is a Bible-believing New Testament church. But it does a poor job of meeting people where they live when things don't just fit neatly into holes. God's put a burden on my heart recently about that and if my wife and I ever get things fixed up between us, I believe that we will be switching churches to the one she is currently attending. It to is still a Bible-believing church, but spends more time and resources reaching out to people. My wife has felt personally excluded from our church many times over; usually in the midst of some loss or pain and she feels as though she was just forgotten about when she really needed some support; I would tend to agree with her.
In general I think churches can make people feel they belong or not. But it's just not the church, it's what the person is looking for. I feel in many areas our church is failing to meet the real world needs of the members and fails to reach out to the community at large. But there is one close friend I have who thinks that the high-level eschatological approach of the church is really the way to go and what I would like to see is nothing he would be interested in.
Jon, you are right, marriage should be one of those places.