Advice for Men after the Wife Says the Marriage is Over

I hope you don’t need this post. It is for a select audience.

After I have answered a question too many times to count, I figure more people have the same question. One of the issues I see frequently is what happens to men when their marriage caves in around them and their wife no longer wants the marriage to work. This could be because of simple neglect over the years or an affair, but she wants out and he wants her to stay. When this happens, a man often becomes a vulnerable puppy of a man and literally doesn’t know what to do next. (I’ve sadly seen it so many times, especially recently.) It could be his fault or her fault, but at this point, the man just wants to save his marriage.

Here are a few suggestions I gave a while ago to a man in this situation. Although this is a personal reply to one man, I believe it may have application for many man in this situation. One thing needs to be clear, however; you must own your decision. You know your situation far better than anyone else. These suggestions are based on experience with dozens of marriage situations, but they are simply my opinions and not designed as professional advice.

If you are in the immediate days and weeks after your wife has indicated she thinks the marriage is over, this is what I suggest:

1. Don’t beg. You are likely much more broken and emotional right now than normal, but women are attracted to a man’s strength, not as much his emotional side. (Even if they say they are…over time they want to see strength.) She needs to know you are hurting, but not see you as weak. That balance is hard to strike, but important to find.

2. Sometimes writing a letter works better than talking in person, because you can share your true heart, think through your words, etc, without all the emotions being involved. When the relationship is especially strained, we tend to say the wrong things, which backs the other spouse into a corner, causing defenses to rise and emotions to take over the conversation. Read THIS POST about how to write this type letter.

3. As hard as it is, after you’ve told your spouse your heart and what you want, you have to give her some space. Honestly, she’s probably feeling crowded right now. After a woman has wrestled through this as long as she has, when she’s done, she’s done. That doesn’t mean her heart can’t change later, but for now she feels smothered almost to be around you. I’m not trying to add to your hurt here. I am simply giving you the reality from what I have seen many times. That’s why she may talk about one of you moving from the house. Chances are this was a very long process for her and you just found out how severe it is for her. That’s typical.

4. Build yourself up physically, emotionally and spiritually as much as trying to save your marriage. You’ll need that in days to come regardless of what happens and it will make you more attractive. In these days, you should draw closer to the heart of God than you ever have before.

5. Seek professional help. You probably aren’t as capable right now of making wise decisions. Find someone to help you do this. Ideally this would be professional Christian counseling with you and your wife, but could be a mature friend or minister. Regardless, get personal help if your wife will not go with you.

6. Do your best not to make stupid mistakes during this time. It’s hard to do, because you are vulnerable, but you don’t want the marriage set back further than it is. Spend time in personal reflection, asking God and yourself what you did to contribute to this situation. If you already know your blame, seek God’s forgiveness, your spouse’s and anyone else you have injured.

7. Surround yourself with a few other men you can trust. Be accountable, open and honest with them. It’s especially helpful, and they are plentiful, to find men who have walked where you are walking and survived.

8. Realize that any change of heart in your spouse is going to take longer than you would hope it would. A woman’s heart usually changes slower than a man’s heart. Be patient. Pray that God brings the right people and influences in her life and that her heart changes towards you.

Please know I’m praying for you as I type this. My prayer is that your marriage will be saved, your wife’s heart will change, and the two of you will grow a marriage that glorifies God. Also, again, this post is not professional counsel. You didn’t pay me to receive this, so don’t hold me accountable for it’s success. I can’t stress enough that every situation is different. I would suggest, although, that these situations often have similar characteristics. Hopefully some of this will help.

Men/Women, what would you add to this?

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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65 thoughts on “Advice for Men after the Wife Says the Marriage is Over

  1. hi Rod, first off I found this site by just looking on the web searching and looking for answers to understanding things better.thank you for this information because I think it helps a lot of people even myself although I have friends strong Christian friends who have told me a lot of the things you’ve said in this column.
    Okay me and my wife is been married for 16 years together 18 we were married at 20 and 21 I’m 38 and she’s 37 now and this past July 2014 my wife told me that in fact she didn’t love me she doesn’t think she ever loved me upon a bunch of other hurtful things. Most of the stuff is unbelievable to me because my wife has such a servants heart and has told me I love you you share lots of moments and everything over all these years we have to girls together The oldest is 17 years old the youngest is three years old, and yes for the record I love my wife with all of me she is a part of me and I want my marriage to work we are not at each other’s throats although I’ve had with her a few emotional conversations which we don’t have anymore we’ve had one big fight this past month the biggest fight we’ve had an 18 years and since then we’ve still communicate and talk but it’s more like friends and all her terms so I kinda just give her the space i’m hoping she needs for us to start to reconcile we still sleep in the same bed of course no touchy no feeling every thing that keeps us together she has pulled apart, again we still sit at the table and pray before meals with the girls I’m sure the girls know when something is not right kids are not dumb, anytime we do have a good chat and she starts to laugh she’ll pull back and push away I have not been pushing trying or anything at all because one I’m afraid to do something and get pushed away or to show just shut me down right from the beginning I’m trying to wait in hopes that my wife will come to me. I have joined the gym to keep busy I do work and I do a lot of things with my girls every day to keep ourselves occupied I put a lot of trust in God that he’s going to work things out for the better although that doesn’t mean my marriage will work out but I’m believing it will so anyway my question to you is we are both refusing to leave the house which I think is a good thing because I told her I would not allow my kids to see me leave they have to know that I have put 150% in this relationship all the time every day and I’m not giving up but my wife has said you’re going to make me leave and I told her if that’s what you feel you have to do you have to do but she has also said I don’t want to be marked as abandoning my house and I told her the same with mebut at the end of the day it’s really not about the house we neither one of us or material people I think she wants it to work but she has to trust God to make it work she has told me a week ago that things are not getting better and my response was honey for things to get better we have to try we have to communicate we have to force ourselves to make it work and believing God to help us through the process and I believe it’ll work but it’s getting her to follow through with that plan she believe God is telling her he wants her to be alone and I told her God would not go against his word she says we were married young I says I know I remember I was there but my love for her strong and I know she loves me and I told her at the end of the day that’s an excuse we never argued before this incidentwe never had any issues I must admit we have not shared a lot of goals or set goals for our future together and let the romance die a little which goes both ways but I will take the high road and say mainly me we both Kind of got busy with life and they really look to each other and did everything for kids, so it’s hard to kinda understand that your wife Who has said I’ve been a great husband great father great man do everything and anything I can for her in every way shape or form and I have been a blessing to her many ways for her to say she wants out it makes no sense and she’s trying to make me leave I almost feel like she’s trying to use me as a scapegoat to leave so I believe I shouldn’t leave so I just wanted to know your thoughts I’d appreciate it and I’d appreciate any prayers, believing God will get me through this God bless

  2. Ron, Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wisdom concerning the healing of a marriage. I'm only 5 weeks from a court date (divorce), and I've tried everything humanly possible to convince my wife not to go thru. Your analysis of what's going on is right on the mark – all the syptoms are just as you say (that includes the fact I've lost almost all since of pride (i'm on pieces). I only have weeks left to avoid the worst, and I believe the only one able to save our marriage is God. I've fasted, prayed, i've pleaded with my wife to stay, shown acts of love. This evening, I will take the steps you recommended because i've got nothing left – things are in the hand of God – pray for us.

  3. I made the mistake of begging. It all happened so sudden that I broke down and begged. I’ve since stopped the begging but I hope its not too late. My wife told me we were done after ten years of marriage. I am definitely mostly to blame. I neglected her emotional needs and was unfaithful to her. I have been trying to give her space but she comes to my house almost everyday visiting with my family. I moved my elderly and sick parents into my house after my wife moved out and my sister moved in as well. My wife and my sister are best friends and my sister has told me that she doesn’t believe that my wife is truly done with me just yet. My wife of course still tells me she’s done though, but confides in my sister. I’m not really sure what she wants. I know my wife tells me that I don’t love her and only want to control her. I really do love my wife. I dont want to control her in any way shape or form. I want her to be my partner. I need all the help I can get. Any advice?

  4. My wife of 12 years told me she didn't love me any more. She got sick several years ago. She couldn't work any more, and it was hard on our marriage. I know, now – but was completely surprised when she told me, that we had lost a romantic connection. She wanted it so much…even just a few months earlier this year she was still trying.

    Then she met a man online that gave her that connection, and this was the result. That was about 50 days ago. I will say this, I got online, and I read every resource – first thing. I did, to the best of my ability, not to beg. I did, to the best of my ability, to work on myself. I lost 40lbs – too fast maybe, but I'm feeling healthy and the weight loss makes me feel good. I have rekindled old friendships and kept a busy social schedule. I gave her space – she has been on vacation out of the country for two weeks.

    Although there continues to be little trust, what is said so far is – 1, that she did end the online relationship, and this may be true. And two, she has been sometimes saying "I love you all" – meaning me and the kids. And once said simply "I love you" talking directly to me.

    It's hard to know when to express love without seeming needy, while – trying to express and build our love.

    She always said she loved me, but not as a man. She hasn't yet removed that restriction. I see her mood shifting. I see that she is less stressed and more happy. To me, divorce would lead towards stress, and she doesn't want that, she wants to be unstressed. So maybe, things are on the right path.

    I appreciate the advice people gave, and I think it has been accurate. I do not know if I can rebuild our relationship, or if there is more trouble ahead. I try to be strong – in some ways I've been strong. But, in some ways…I secretly do not want to lose her. I could find another woman someday – but my heart is with her. If someday she loves me 'as a man' again…that, will be a happy day.

    She is coming back on Sunday. As far as I

  5. Sheesh…. one more last thing. She encourages me to use the elliptical at home every morning while she is at the gym. So i do. I don’t see here because i am gone before she gets home. Is this a problem?

  6. My wife of almost 20 years told me 2 weeks ago that she is done. I admit that I am responsible for probably 85% of the problems (emotional affair 3 years ago / taking for granted / etc). Things were actually fun over the last few months. There was just a last straw incident.

    I have a question or two:

    *I have stopped the ‘begging’ and now i just calmly talk about it when i am around her. Is that the same thing as begging .. in her head? I’ve spoken my peace verbally and in a letter. Should i just SHUT UP?

    *How do you define ‘space’? Is it total non-contact? I am currently living in my dad’s spare bedroom, less than 5 minutes from my house. I go see my kids frequently. She is always there when i see them. I even spent the past weekend doing yard work with her. Though cordial, any attempts to get a little close were met with pushback.

    I’m so confused. I’m worried that if i do nothing, she will be impossible to bring back. Yet i know that she needs space.

    Any suggestions?

    Ps – we are both seeing individual therapists.

    • Just another quick post script.. she encourages me to come over and see the kids whenever I want, which makes this even more difficult. She doesn’t go out while i am there.

  7. I neglected my wife. I unfortunately took her for granted and let her be alone. She found solace in the attention of another man. This went on for months under my nose w/o me noticing or realizing it.

    She tells me MONTHS later that she loves another man. He doesn't even live close. He lives across the country. They talk often and she says she will not stop talking to him.

    I've asked her to make this work out. We've been together 8 1/2 years, married 6 1/2. We have wonderful boys too.

    I don't know what to do. I've made the mistake of begging, smothering her. She asked me to give her space. I don't know if she wants space so I leave her alone or she's really overwhelmed w/ me. She hasn't moved out of my house. She says that's what she's doing in "trying to make our marriage work." To me, that means nothing. She shows zero affection, nothing. She's always on her phone chatting on facebook w/ this individual. Ironically, he claims to be a man of God. A.A. in the West Coast.. Pretty crazy.

    He is NOT the problem. He is a symptom of this. He is a symptom of my neglect, but she let him in her heart and didn't stop it. SHE has to stop it. I don't know if she's way over the edge for me to bring her back.

    I pray to God daily for strength, wisdom and for Him to remove the veil over her eyes and see that it's the wrong thing to do. It'll hurt us, our children and our families. She is acting like a 15 year old w/ her first crush, not a mom with kids, a 35+ year old.

    I am so desperate and sad. I want our family to come back. If you read this, please pray for us. That's the only thing that I think will bring change. We need a miracle. Thanks.

    • Dr. J i hear you. My wife has also given up on our marriate. I am currently struggling with my marriage of 15 years. My wife has been giving me the silent treatment for the last two weeks.n She has done this before many times, but this time it has been worst. We have two children and they have no idea of this silence. She talks to them but avoids any conversation with me or even eye contact. It is like walking on egg shells. I started reading t the Love Dare book. I am no longer a religious person like I used to be. We don't attend church anymore. My wife has expressed some interest in returning to church. I have many doubts about God and religion. She is upset that I went to see my mom to help her with my handicap brother briefly two Sundays ago . But I don't feel I need to apologize for helping my mom especially when I did not leave for the whole day and I even cooked breakfast for everyone before I left. She has expressed anger toward my mom many times in the past. I am afraid my wife is seriously considering separation or divorce. I will keep u on my prayers. Thank you.

  8. I know this is an older post. I could use some of those prayers. I found out in January that my wife was having an affair and life has been hell since. She just told me today that she is not sure she can try anymore and doesn’t have enough to give. I know I need give space but it also scares me to do so. I can’t believe this is happening. Going to try and use some of your advice though. Thank you for writing this.

  9. Thank you for this. I've just been told, yesterday in fact, that my wife wants to leave me. I am devastated and needed to read this today.

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  11. My husband told me on thanksgiving night he's not sure he wants our marriage of 16 years to work. I left for 2 days but returned home after I felt God telling me I needed to. After I returned home I told him he could have the time he needed to sort this out. Since then he has slept on the couch & in his truck. He is now sleeping in our bed with me, but he doesn't speak to me & only mumbles he loves me in front of the children (ages 8 & 10). He says his spiritual life is fine & that when he prayed about our marriage God told him, "whatever happens, happens". I told him that was wrong because he can't back it up with what the Bible says. He became very angry & became angry when I suggested we pray together. He is still attending church with me & pretends everything is fine. I am still telling him I love him, being polite, but other than that am not speaking to him in order to give him the time he has requested. I have turned it over to God. I am walking closer to God now than I ever have & am honestly thankful for this time. Please pray for him & our marriage & our family. Thank you.

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  13. my ex-boyfriend dumped me 8 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problems to him….. he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my peter came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr obo spell, you are truly talented and gifted contact his email: obolovespell@GMAIL.COm

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  16. I’ve hit the wall, my wife just got back from her fathers house out of town and before she left she told me that she is done trying to make this work that she’s not going to divorce me but she cannot promise she’s gonna turn everything around and pretend to be in love with me. She said she was gonna just give this relationship over to God. Honestly that’s all I could ask for at this point. When she got back from her dads she was distant and said she didn’t want to come back. She told me “I don’t know if I can make this work, that she dosnt have It in her. I didn’t, although extremely hard to do, try to convince her to stay although I did slip. I know in my heart I want her to be happy but I truly believe I can get there with her. We rushed into the marriage but I do believe God can fix this. I’m staying a a buddies house until she contacs me but until then all I can ask for is your prayers for us that God will bring her back and I can be there for her in the way she needs. I pray for all of you that are suffering as well.

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  18. After 8 years relationship with my boyfriend, he changed suddenly and stopped contacting me regularly, he would come up with excuses of not seeing me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and my sms and he stopped seeing me regularly. I then started catching him with different girls friends several times but every time he would say that he love me and that he needed some time to think about our relationship. But after l contacted Dr.dele of spell cast temple he cast a love spell and after a day, my boyfriend started contacting me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me than before and he started spending more time with me than his friends. We eventually got married and we now have been married happily for 3 years with a son. Ever since Dr. dele of helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before.

  19. Thanks for this post, i have driven my wife away with flirting with other girls through text and not treating her like the queen she is. im going to fight forever if i have to to get her back. ive done horrible things but Ive never cheated on her sexually with another women. prayers are needed for me and my beautiful wife jazmyn.

  20. I am a house wife from a rich family. By god's bless i had everything, but after 10 years of my marriage i was not having any child. we met so much doctors but nothing happen good. Then my relative lady of my sister in law suggest me to contact to guruji. Guruji gave me some simple spells and some worships guruji himself done for me, and after 3 month i get report that i was pragnent. today i am a happy mother of a baby boy of 8 months. he also make my husband to love me more than ever he reunite me and my husband for good and today we live happily this is just your bless guruji. he also healed my husband from a deadly diseases which i cant say we conducted a test and my husband came out positive after spending money in the hospital for years.Thank you So much if you need his help you can contact him via his private mail you will not regret it thanks

  21. Ron I hope this works for me I have had a messed up past and my wife wont let it go. I always said i was going to get help and never did. But now im in counseling and on medication to help. The hardest part is that she says shes done but when she came to the house to get the rest of her things I held her and kissed her and she didnt pull away. Im so lost im not sure what to do anymore. Im trying to improve myself and i started making changes in my life already. I just dont want to lose my marriage after five years and im not trying to lose her after nine years of beimg together. I wasnt the best husband I could of been and I know that. I want to show her after time things will get better and I want to start a family with her and I know she wanted the same thing. I keep praying to god asking forgiveness and I sit at my grandmothers grave site to ask forgiveness and assistance in life. My gram loved her to death and I feel like I failed her and everyone else. I love my wife and she is my soul mate and I cant live without her. Any advice will be appericated cause I need it thanks

  22. Hello forums,Am Cassie Moore by name, After being in relationship with my boyfriend for six years, he broke up with me,I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem. Contact him now for your relationship or marriage problems via this email ( all thanks to Dr Ojuku regards
    Good Luck…

  23. My name is Frank Morrison, my family and i live together live in Canada.It was after seven years i got to discover that my wife was unfaithful to me.I didn't know what was going on at first but as she got deep in the affair with her new lover, i felt that our marriage was on the rocks.I notice that she no longer light up when i touch her or kiss her in her neck and her chest cos she really liked it when i did that, she also usually get naked in front of me but when she started seeing that guy she stopped it.I remember asking her if i have done anything that makes her feel irritated when i am around her then she gives silly excuses that she has been feeling stressed up and that she need space for a while.I know when you are been asked for space its usually because there is something fishy is going on.I hired a private investigator to help find out what was going on.And in a week time he brought me prove that my wife that i have lived with for seven straight year is cheating on me with her high school lover.I had picture of her walking out a of a restaurant with him and many other photo of them kissing in public like she will never be caught by someone that knows she is my wife.I asked myself, even when we had a daughter together she could this to me.That same night i showed her the pictures that i got from my private investigator.She didn't look at it before saying, that she is seeing someone and she know that i just found out about it.Then she said that she is in love with him.At that moment, i didn't know if to kill myself or to kill her but the button line is that if i was going to kill anyone it was going to be me cos i was so much in love with her to even think of thinking to hurt her.As time when on she asked for a divorce and got it and even got custody of our daughter and i was all alone by myself.For a year i tried all i could to get her back with the help of my seven year old daughter.Even at that all effect was in vain, i used the help of her friend but turned out all bad.I know most people don't believe in spell casting but believe me this was my last option and the result i most say was impressive.And i know it difficult to believe but A SPELL CASTER Dr brave really made my life much better cos he gave me my family back.He didn't ask me to pay for what he did for me all i was to do, was to provide the materials for the spell and believe that he had the power to help me.Like he said, he was going to do something that will make her reset her love and affection for me just as it has always been.My wife told me she woke up and realized that she should have never left me that i am all she needs.To make thing clear, her life with her high school lover was great before Dr brave castled the spell they had no disagreement on anything.The guy said it himself that why she broke up with him is unexplainable.Only Dr brave can do such a thing contact him to solve your problem with his

  24. My husband has abandon me and the kids for the past 8 months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is so I had to contact him and explain my problem to him and in just 2 days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to. I cant thank the spell caster enough for what he did for me, i am so grateful and i will never stop to publish his name on the internet for the good work he has done for me. Dr Trust you are the best of all

  25. My there brethren i am standing hear today, it just because what DR. UWA has done me for me with problem of my husband. Contact him at: * *I am using this opportunity to share the testimony of what *DR. UWA *has done, he help me in such away that I didn’t no now to thank him. Been through hell and pain, looking for a good and real spell caster who can help me get my husband back. I have been scammed my many spell cater, by some who claimed to be real spell casters. Until I found the real and great spell caster is name is *Dr.UWA* who helped me, and solved all my problems concerning my husband who left me since 3 years ago. and after that i also took my friend along, who was also having the same problem who help me to bring my husband, who left her since 2 year ago he help me with out no payment *DR.UWA *is a great doctor*, *whenever you are in any problem relationship please contact him at It took me a very long period of time, before I could get this real and great spell caster. So right now is here, and the best for you to solve your problems please contact

  26. My there brethren i am standing hear today, it just because what DR. UWA has done me for me with problem of my husband. Contact him at: * *I am using this opportunity to share the testimony of what *DR. UWA *has done, he help me in such away that I didn’t no now to thank him. Been through hell and pain, looking for a good and real spell caster who can help me get my husband back. I have been scammed my many spell cater, by some who claimed to be real spell casters. Until I found the real and great spell caster is name is *Dr.UWA* who helped me, and solved all my problems concerning my husband who left me since 3 years ago. and after that i also took my friend along, who was also having the same problem who help me to bring my husband, who left her since 2 year ago he help me with out no payment *DR.UWA *is a great doctor*, *whenever you are in any problem relationship please contact him at ** It took me a very long period of time, before I could get this real and great spell caster. So right now is here, and the best for you to solve your problems please contact **

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    at your earliest convenience. Thank you

  29. I need advice on what to do my wife says is over bcos ile's too much to her but thanks her she make me to see jesus what i can do ppl

  30. Thank you. Too many of us don't treat our wives as the princesses they are. We're young in our marriage and I already struggle with that. I love her more than I can say, but I still have such a hard time with being selfish until I've hurt her. Thank you for your advice. I know God lives and I trust him to bless me through the atonement of his Son Jesus Christ.

  31. Thanks be to God for reminding me there is hope. Though I do not know what the result will be on and after Christmas Day and especially in the new year, I pray and want to courageously trust God. Thank you for your post.

  32. If he has proven untrustworthy he could try getting serious about "it will never happen again". He needs to learn what integrity is, and live it in every part of his life so that she can see that he is spiritually changed. That can take a very long time, so he needs to be patient. Of course, there does come a point when she has heard the sweet words so many times, and seen them broken an equal number of times, that there really is nothing left to work with. He has killed her love for him, but even if a thread of it remains, her trust is gone, and without that there is nothing. Let it go. There is nothing you can do.

  33. Don't forget to ask her to stay. When I left my husband of 23 years, he quoted Scripture to me, he tried to manipulate the situation, he cried to the leaders of our church. But it never occurred to him to simply say, "Please don't go." Maybe he was too proud to do that. Would I have stayed if he had asked? I don't know. All I'm saying is please don't be so hell-bent on making her see the error of her ways that you forget to ask her to stay.

  34. Ron, I just found this post, and wish I had discovered it when you first wrote it. Thanks for your words of wisdom, and allowing the Holy Spirit to use you to reach so many of us out here who have completely blown it with our wives.

  35. Focus on "what we can do now" face-to-face, and sort out the things that you know you have not been able to resolve alone, with a counselor.

    If there is only one thing left that is being done as a team, become someone your wife can depend on to do your part. I don't know how other wives feel, but much of the time I feel like I've been doing marriage and parenting by myself most of the time.

    It would be nice if husbands in this situation would do something other than pretend things are fine, blow up and give up, or ignore problems in hopes that they will go away by themselves. Ken Sande's "The Peacemaker" is a great tool for learning how to resolve conflict… discerning "forgiveness issues" from problems which require work in order to remove the alienation caused by sins against one another.

    I think a stronger commitment to keeping accounts short (from now on) is in order.

    Communicate daily about the things you are frustrated about, be honest and transparent, and confess your sins against her to her so that God can bring about the process of redemption and reconciliation in your marriage, just as He does in our relationship with Him.

    Learn to fail her honestly instead of stuffing frustration and hiding things you know would hurt her if she knew.

    Take the initiative to build her trust. For example, if one of the problems was pornography, don't label it a forgiveness issue and leave it as her problem. Move the computer to the family room, have her set up Safe Eyes, and don't ask for the password.

    Go into one of the children's rooms after work and guide them through the process of sorting out their dresser drawers. I've been doing that for over 20 years, by myself.

    The Bible reminds us love can overcome a multitude of sins; do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

  36. I begged. It is one of the biggest mistakes I made. Because I'm not sure it was from a sincere place – but from a place of desperation, and my ex didn't care at that point anyway.

  37. One additional point that may be more specific than generic since it's possible that the relationship may not get this far. I've gotten to a point in my marriage where my wife and I do interact some. Some days it's sparse and some days it's quite significant. My stance here is that I am commanded to love her unconditionally. It's not based on anything she does or says, I just do it anyway. I present to her every day a consistent picture of a loving committed Christian husband. I try to be husband, provider, protector, and servant. One of my favorite books is "Sacred Marriage". In one chapter the author talks about not loving her "because", but loving her "anyway". And so I do.

  38. check out _Understanding the Mind of a Woman_. It is the only resource that I've seen that can teach a man how to love his wife as Christ loves the church and woo her back.

  39. I agree with some of your points, but the biggest mistake a person can make is to tell to many people or all your friends. Like crying on everyone’s shoulder. It can make things worse.
    Pray to the Lord, talk to a pastor and a close friend that you can trust. In my personal exp. The Lord is the only one that can really help.

    • I agree with you Paul. Keep the circle small. Obviously the Lord is always the best help, which is why I included Him in the post. I totally disagree though with trying to do it alone. The Lord created us for community we were not meant to live life alone. Men do crazy things when left alone at a time like this.

      • Women do crazy things when left alone at a time like this, too. I totally agree with your emphasis on community, Pastor Ron. How else is a wife to be convicted of how she is contributing to the problems that brought the marriage to this point? I believe God uses objective, Christ-centered mentors to sanctify marriages as well as individuals, and that hiding our problems only gives Satan a foothold.

    • I agree to a point. You are right in that you don't want to go around with your heart on your sleeve sharing with everyone you meet the intimate details of this hurt or even that there is a hurt. I'm in such a situation and I have joined a group of men in my church and we share with each other and support each other in prayer and with advice and sometimes with just listening and corporately praying for some specific problem. Beyond that I've shared this with my pastor, one elder who is also a close friend, and one other close friend and his wife; asking for prayer. I've seen the change in my life because of the prayer that goes on and have appreciated the support from the circle of men I am involved with. We're not there yet, but there are days when the tunnel doesn't seem as dark.

  40. Thank you for this post Ron, I need it. It's crazy how God will ALWAYS supply you with an on-time word from someone that is there to help.