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One of the Biggest Mistakes I See in Marriage

By May 27, 2010December 29th, 2012Encouragement, Family, Marriage

Still In Love

One of the biggest mistakes I see made in marriage, and one my own marriage suffers from at times is:

…forgetting that men and women are not made the same way.

I was reminded of that fact again this morning by reading the story of a man in the Bible named Elkanah and his wife Hannah. (1 Samuel 1) Hannah had been unable to have children and it was the deepest pain in her life. (I wrote previously about that pain HERE.) Every year (and perhaps every day) Hannah would go to God begging for a child. God eventually blessed Hannah with a son, but in the midst of that story is one of the saddest, but funniest verses in the Bible (my opinion). It certainly illustrates the great difference that exists between most men and women. Here is the verse:

Elkanah her husband would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” (1 Samuel 1:8)

Do you see the mistake? Elkanah could never fully comprehend the depth of Hannah’s emotions. To him, life was good the way it was. He had other children through another wife and he and Hannah were free just to be happy with each other. He couldn’t sense the depth of pain that was in Hannah’s heart. To him it made sense that as a couple they were enough. Hannah, I suspect, could never fully comprehend how insensitive Elkanah seemed to be.

Therein lies what I believe to be one of the largest mistake men and women make in a marriage. Whenever I believe Cheryl completely identifies with me or I completely identify with her, we are bound to run into some conflict. I will never understand the depth of emotions Cheryl is capable of producing and she will never understand the shallowness of emotions I am capable of maintaining. Neither of us is right or wrong, we are just different, and as I look at the situations we have handled together in life, I see why God allowed the uniqueness in each of us. To make our marriage strong, I must be careful never to place expectations on Cheryl for her to be like me and she must do the same with me. I have to learn to be more sensitive of her sensitivity and she has to learn to be more patient with my insensitivity.

This is just one issue among many where Cheryl and I are different, which makes marriage a consistent challenge. With awareness, communication, commitment and a willingness to humble ourselves and give grace to each other, we can allow our differences to work for the betterment of our marriage, not to the detriment.

In what ways are you different from your spouse? How do you see those differences working for the good of your marriage?

For more thoughts on marriage click HERE.

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Ron Edmondson

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Join the discussion 18 Comments

  • Rev.Prince S.Woniewala says:

    I’ve been blessed by your teachings on marriage and leadership. And my Famil and Ministry been blessed too.
    Therefore I’m led by the Holy Spirit to choose you as my Spiritual Father. I’m the senior Pastor/Foundrer of the God’s Mighty Army Intercessory Ministry INC.
    From: Monrovia Liberia, West Africa.
    Cell #s (231) 0886 666 071 / 0777 260 049

  • kathyn says:

    So happy for this post – I tend to believe it is important for both men & women but slightly more helpful for men.
    Many a time husbands will solve problems devoid of emotion & then realize their solution (altho it wasn't wrong) wasn't a happy one for the wife or children. Including the wife's emotions into that decision would have incorporated a more gentle approach, communicated it more kindly and just made the cold hard facts of reality easier to swallow — more appealing somehow.
    Speaking for myself I know I need reminders that men will be proactive with their thoughts, will often verbalize them in a direct manner – wives will communicate their thoughts filled with emotion –put them both together you have — one GREAT union!!!

    • ronedmondson says:

      Thanks for mentioning this…I totally agree that this is more important for men… Women tend to be far fore relational in their approach to family life and marriage.

  • Alice says:

    Im single but I like this blog, thank you for sharing so I know more before I found my couple. Blessings

  • ronedmondson says:

    Thanks John! Thrilled that you would read my blog!

  • patriciazell says:

    Let me count the ways my husband and I are different–a cazillion ways–EXCEPT in our passion for Christ and for people to understand God's absolute love. This passion is what has kept us together through the years and has knit our hearts into one. God is faithful.

  • One of the differences I see between my husband of 38 years and I: I'm a thinker, he's a doer. It took us about 20 years for both of us to value my "thinking," which to both of us felt unproductive. Now, I'm writing and speaking as a result of years of thinking and we have a wonderfully maintained little cottage because of his focus on "doing." Yay, God, who put us together for good.

  • Victoria York says:

    LOL, this is great cause it’s so true. Kenny and I deal with stress in very different ways: he gets grouchy and I get weepy. And if we don’t give each other plenty of grace, my weepiness makes him grouchier and his grumpiness make me weepier, and around and around we go. The key is not taking the other person’s reaction personally. It’s NOT personal—it’s just the way we process things.

  • Thanks Ron. As my wife and I have been processing events in our life it has really been eye opening to see the depth of emotion involved in her paradigm. Then to remember that what she desires is not necessarily for me to "fix" things but to understand how she is processing them.

  • Keep God First says:

    Our differences seem to work more for the good of our parenting than for our marriage. One of us can tell our kids the bad consequences of making bad choices in a particular area, and the other one of us can tell our kids the benefits of making good choices in the same area. One of us can be the "Yes, Sir/Ma'am and then do it" type of parent and the other one of us can be the "Sorry you've had such a bad morning; would you like to go get an ice cream?" kind of parent. It's a great balance.