My life and marriage was a mess for years. I'd cry out to God daily; why? I was frustrated at His apparent lack of answers or help. We were never abandoned, but there was always just enough; never extra and never any feeling of relief. Then my wife finally drew a line in the sand with our relationship and I sought counseling. I finally realized that I had really gotten away from walking as God wanted me to walk with Him. I've turned that around and my relationship with Him is better and more meaningful and I see more clearly His hand in my life.

But, my wife is still headed for a possible separation and my job is still frustrating and I am still left wondering why. I used to feel that it really didn't make any difference what I did or how much I gave or how good I was…I could just show up and the result would be the same as if I had given my all to any situation. When He worked in my heart and I saw the error of my way, I really expected that things would change for the better as I learned to walk with Him more closely. I suppose in some ways that's true, but for some things like my marriage, I still feel alone and worthless. I try every day to pray for His guidance and for HIm to show me His will and I try and be a servant every day to my wife, but at the end of each day it's still as though I'm living in the past where no matter what I pray or do or how hard I try and serve Him and her, it was just a waste of time. Now I know that I am doing what I should and that the final chapter still isn't written, but I am struggling with still trying to understand His ways and what He wants from me and why, if I am doing that… which I think I am, doesn't it get better.

We kept going to church despite our personal pain because we had older teenagers, and we felt that we could not drop the ball on their spiritual lives. Unknowingly we landed at a church that excels at ministering to broken people.

I don't have words to say how grateful that I am to that group of people for how they cared for me. I had nothing to give, and yet they constantly cared for me and prayed for me. One of their pastors, who knew what happened to us, even apologized to me for what had happened although he had nothing to do with it because he thought it would help me. It really did..

It has been five years now, and I can say that although I really don't understand some things, and never will, that God is faithful. My relationship with Him is stronger than it has ever been because it is not based on what I can accomplish for Him in ministry, but on what He has done for me. Understandably, I care about broken people more than I ever did previously.