Describe Your Relationship With Your Father
By Ron Edmondson on Saturday, January 30th, 2010 | 42 Comments
I’m curious. What type of relationship did you or do you have with your earthly father? I have asked this question dozens of times to different groups of men and women with surprising results.
I am soliciting feedback. Consider these questions:
- If you were seeking wisdom, would your father be the first person you would think to ask?
- Has your relationship improved with your father, as you have grown older?
- Does your perception of an earthly father, based on the relationship you had with your own father, strengthen or hinder your view of your Heavenly Father?
- Is it your goal to parent better or do you hope to just be as good a parent as your father parented you?
Would you do me a favor and comment here on this blog telling me a little about the relationship you had or didn’t have with your father? You can answer in a few words, a sentence, or in paragraphs, but I’d love your feedback on this one. (In fairness, I went first. I talked some about my dad HERE.)
I will blog more about this topic in days to come, but I would love to hear some stories first.
42 responses to "Describe Your Relationship With Your Father"
My goal is to be a better parent than my father, but I have the utmost respect for him and his accomplishments on Earth. My dad has been gone for 10 years now. He was not perfect and made mistakes as a father, one of which was not allowing us (his 4 daughters) to make our own mistakes and live our lives. His rules were so strictly enforced that it caused us to desperately seek a way out of our home growing up. My sisters married young so they could get out of the house. He was trying to protect them , but it backfired. I know that he loved us more than anything, even when we made choices he knew were not the best for us. I think God loves us this way. He tries to guide us through his word, but he also lets us make our own decisions. When we go in a direction he doesn't approve of, he is disappointed, but he still loves us and hopes that we will come back to the light. My father set an example by trying to live as Christ like as he could. That included loving us no matter how badly we messed up. His love was an example to me of how Christ loves us, and how I should love my daughter. Hopefully I can let her make her own mistakes, but that is getting harder and harder as she gets older. I love her so much I want to put her in a safe place and keep her there.
Thanks for your story Julie. It is true that many parents don't know how to show the love we have for our children. Parenting is hard work.
This past summer I went on a road trip with the family, and part of that was a stop in Chicago where I got to spend some time with a couple of my Great Aunts. I quizzed them on my ancestry and found that as far back as they can remember, the men in the line of my family have been Emotionally/Mentally (sometimes physically) Abusive Drunks. It was very much my intention to ask, and find out as much as I could about my past. Because I grew up in a home with an alcoholic dad, who had all those characteristics.
I was hoping to find out that my great Grandfather or distant relative was a great man. But, alas, no. No men of God, no missionaries, no inventors, politicians, business owners, nothing. … Bummer.
But I did find out that one of my first cousins, whom I have not talked to for years (our dads had a falling out, because of my dad's alcoholism) is a Christian!
But Father came for me in that. Speaking into my life…
"Rocco you are that man! Generations will come, and look back at you with grateful hearts for being their forefather, a man who loves Me and who truly knows how much I love him!!. They will say 'It was my great great grandfather Rocco who first loved God.' Our enemy, Satan, has been working for four generations to take you out Rocco. You are that important, and he fears you!"
To answer your questions:
* If you were seeking wisdom, would your father be the first person you would think to ask?
** No. I go directly to God now.
* Has your relationship improved with your father, as you have grown older?
** Sort of. God has actually used me to 'father' my dad at times recently. That is not an easy thing to do.
* Does your perception of an earthly father, based on the relationship you had with your own father, strengthen or hinder your view of your Heavenly Father?
** For years it was a hindrance to my relationship with God. Then I started to learn that God wanted more then to be my 'father' He wanted to be my Lover. That is where I am at now. I am my Beloved's, my Beloved is mine.
* Is it your goal to parent better or do you hope to just be as good a parent as your father parented you?
** My goal is to walk as intimately as I can in God's love, because then can I know who God wants me to be, and when I'm living that life, it benefits everyone.
Wow. I love it Rocco. You are breaking the pattern. Go for it man! What a great motivation for life!
A friend on Facebook shared this link: http://soloadoption.wordpress.com/2009/08/08/cont...
Although my realtionship with my father wasn't a bad one growing up, it has far from improved over recent years. I haven't seen him in over two years, and we only speak on the phone maybe once every couple of months. His forementioned mind and spirit, and even more importantly his personal character have been shown to be lacking in most tragic and horrendous ways that aren't even mentionable here. I love him and pray for him every day, but am much more comfortable living with him at a distance than having to face who and what he is on a regular basis. I thank God daily for blessing me with such wonderful children and for giving me the opportunity and the grace to be the father I was intended to be (most of the time), and not the father that was demonstrated to me.
So to answer the final question, I most definitely strive to be a much better father than the one who was appointed mine. I express love to my children constantly and pray with them daily. At any point that I notice myself paying closer attention to something trivial than to their latest Crayola masterpiece, I instictively flip a "dad switch" and do my best to praise them and reinforce the fact that they are the most important people in this world as far as daddy is concerned.
As I grew older, graduated from high school, and went off to college, I gradually began to look back at my relationship with my father much more retrospectively. In a nutshell (and due to time constraints), I came to the conclusion that although I knew that my dad loved me, he was and had always been an absentee father mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Now some people would say "You have nothing to complain about…your dad was there…he supported you…." –especially those who never knew their fathers or who had terribly turbulent relationships with them. But now as a grown man with children of my own, and failures that I recognize as MY OWN, I now see that what lacked in my relationship with my father could result in much more profound damage in that I could have been programmed and eventually make the same mistakes with my daughters.
My father was always there for me in body, and whenever a financial need arose. He was always quick to make an attempt at sharing wisdom and advice, even though he knew I probably wouldn't take it– even if I had been listening. For some (inexplicable at the time) reason I rarely, if ever, came to him first for advice when I finally decided that needed it. His true mind and spirit eventually came to light and explained this for me in a most painful way.
Thankfully, my perception of my heavenly Father is not and has never been negatively affected by the relationship I somewhat had with my earthly father. Growing up, I always considered my father to be a good man. He never mistreated me, was slow to anger and was a good provider for my mother, sister and me. I was not a wild child, but very independent and resistant to the opinions and considerations of others– most strongly to those of my father. Once again, at the time I could not really understand or explain why this was the case.
Ashley, thanks for your honesty. I pray God grows in even more importance as your heavenly father.
Good question Pastor Ron. Let me first start off by saying that I wouldn't consider my relationship with my earthly father good or bad, as much as nonexistent. There were highs and lows, as with all relationships, but for the most part we didn't do much together, talk, or have experiences together. I will also say the foremost memories I have of my father were mostly bad ones. Now to answer the questions.
- While my father had a lot of wisdom, there were other elder men in my life who seemed to be more willing to offer wisdom and help me grow. I tended to seek wisdom from these other men rather then my father because I had more of a trust developed with them than I did with him.
- No. My relationship with my father went from one of a child loving his father for little things such as tossing a ball in the yard to, as lies became truth, an inherent hatred for the pain that he caused my mother, my siblings, and myself. I no longer have that hatred since I am trying to forgive him (and struggling at it), but we haven't spoken much since I left home and we don't tend to engage in a relationship even when I'm home.
- I would say that my perception of my earthly father has no bearing on my view of my Heavenly Father. I attribute this to feeling more love from my Heavenly Father then I ever could imagine receiving from my earthly father. Also, God has brought men (3 in particular) into my life that have been more fatherly to me then my earthly father, non of which share the same religious views as I, but all of them took more of an interest in me and had a greater influence on my character than my father. I thank God for each of those men and know they are a product of His love for me. My earthly father is a poor one, whereas my Heavenly Father is the Greatest One.
- If I were to be considered as good a parent as my father, I would consider myself a complete failure as a parent. I would hope that I can show more love to my children and take more of an interest in their lives than I do for my personal image. I would not want to be more worried about being perceived as a good father than actually being one, and I would not want to leave some of my children sorrowfully in my afterthoughts while I relentlessly try to attain that perception. I would want my parenting to be about my children, not about myself, which is where my earthly father failed miserably.
I'm sure there is some apparent bitterness as I talk about my father and I struggle daily to sweep away the remains of that hatred. It might be hard to believe but I am making progress towards not being bitter about my relationship with my father anymore, and I attribute that to what God and Jesus taught me about forgiveness. I'm just human and I'm not sure if I can stop feeling the pain completely. I know for sure I can't do it on my own.
Thanks again Pastor Ron for the questions.
Michael, I love your honesty and the way you have processed this in your life. I believe God is going to use you are willing to share your life with others.
God bless,
Ron
•Is it your goal to parent better or do you hope to just be as good a parent as your father parented you?
Yes, I want to be a better example for them and help them see that Christ is all they need…not all the other stuff we have all used as a coping mechanism to get through life.
Somehow, Kyle, I think you will achieve your goal here. Thanks for the great feedback.
•Does your perception of an earthly father, based on the relationship you had with your own father, strengthen or hinder your view of your Heavenly Father?
That is the BIG one…greatly hinders! As a child, I was afraid of my Father's temper and would react and always test the tempurature in the room and act accordingly. What will make my Dad happy, what do I need to do so he might be proud of me, or express love to me? So often my PERFORMANCE, as his son, created a very unhealthy and fake acceptance. This has tranlated into my relationship with my heavenly Father as I have done things (read my Bible, Pray, go to Church, Give) to try and gain his love and acceptance…never truly understanding (in my heart) that he loves me for me and that there is nothing that I can do to be loved more. So, it has rocked my world, being 38 years old and just finding out that my whole foundation has been a false and a fake. This leaves me with trying to figure out who God REALLY is while trying to discard the earthly Father filter that I have been using.
Again, Kyle, I think the recognition of this is huge.
•If you were seeking wisdom, would your father be the first person you would think to ask?
No he would not be.
•Has your relationship improved with your father, as you have grown older?
He is more expressive of his acceptance of me now…in that sense it has improved, but I fear his responses and logic so I shy away from that relationship.
That's great that you recognize this about yourself Kyle.
Hey Ron…great question…it was interesting reading the posts! A friend of mine that reads your blog Rick Glass who also blogs at Ricksthoughtsandramblings.blogspot.com, recommended that I read this and perhaps share my thoughts. We have had this discussion quite a bit as my spiritual journey has been stalled by this very topic.
That's great Kyle. Glad you are willing to share.
I always hope my father would change and be a father because I know i would give him a chance but, after the years of waiting and making myself sick over this.I gave it to God and I said if it meant to be let be. I know I have people that God brought into my life for a reason and they love me so does God for who I am and who I become over the years..
yes, God will continue to bring people in your life to help fill the gap.
No, because we dont get along for many reasons. Some of those reasons are because he is abuseive, he think everything he says is always right no if he is or not, Not surpport of anything i do. He dont lead the home the way he should. My relationship basicly the same even those I have changed and made some important decisions to be better person and decide to grow in my faith and trust into the Lord more then anyone else. it use to but as I grew in my life it doesnt because I know and I believe my dad just need helps and he in denied it. And with fathers of my friends or man that are fathers around me shows me what a father really should be and it doent change the view of my Heavenly Father because without him am nothing he make me worthy and give me the strengthen to keep going forward.My goal is to be a better parent then what I was presented with in my life.
My relationship with my earthly father is warm but kind of distant. I'm from an atheist/agnostic family, and I'm the only born-again Christian.
* If you were seeking wisdom, would your father be the first person you would think to ask?
It would depend what kind of wisdom. In many cases, yes, I would go to my dad without reservation.
* Has your relationship improved with your father, as you have grown older?
I think so.
* Does your perception of an earthly father, based on the relationship you had with your own father, strengthen or hinder your view of your Heavenly Father?
My dad's a good father, and if I ever really needed anything or were really, deeply hurting, he'd be among the top on my list of people I'd turn to. Although he's quiet, whenever things have been really wrong, he's the one that's known how to be there for me and speak to my heart.
* Is it your goal to parent better or do you hope to just be as good a parent as your father parented you?
I parent differently than I was parented, in many ways. I hope to be closer to my kids, maybe a bit more open with them, but I don't know if I succeed.
That's a great perspective from someone not raised in a Christian home, yet that has a good father relationship. Thanks for sharing
I do not believe any man on earth could be as great as my father. He reflected his Heavenly father in the way he lived ,talked, acted, and worked. His mother died when he was 2 weeks old, his father at age 6. His brother and he were raised by a wonderful grand mother who gave him amazing values. As a result he learned the value of family and cherished each of us. His spare time was spent with us and we new we were the most important people to him.
I think one of the greatest things about him was that he did not lecture or tell me what to do. Instead he lived the way he wanted me to be. He told me stories with morals but made them fun. He served his church as an elder . Our church was a very large Presbyterian Church where alot of people gave alot of money. He once said "some people give money some people give time. I can"t afford the money so I give alot of time". When he moved to an area where there was no Presbyterian church he found a building and a preacher and started the Pipe Creek Presbyterian church. Once again action spoke louder then words.
He once gave up a scholorship to Princeton because he said he could afford the tuition and to please give it to someone who could not. He once walked out of a Disney movie because they had a bad word in it. He demanded his money back because Disney movies should not have bad words. Again actions spoke louder. He made me feel beautiful even when I was not. He makes me feel loved even when I disappointed him . He is 94 years old and is still the greatest man I have ever known. (Oh and 2 years ago he taught me how to operate a chain saw!!!)
Sally…wow! What a tribute. I hope you will share this with him..I'm sure you have. Thanks for the comment.
Thanks …Someone made the comment to me awhile back that "no one has a perfect childhood". I started to let the comment go but then it hit me …I did.
When seeking wisdom, I have someone who is about 25 years older than I that I speak with from time to time.
My relationship with my father is non-existent & it pretty much always has been.
My views on God have been pretty messed up because I thought he sees me the same way my dad did until I read the book "The Shack by William Paul Young". That book corrected a lot of misconceptions.
I do parent better than my dad, and I tend to go overboard because I'm always doing everything for them…until now. (That older fellow pointed it out that my kids don't appreciate it if everything is given to them without having to work for anything…just spoke with him this past week because my 17 year old daughter fled to go live with her boyfriend because she didn't see fit to follow rules around here.)
Maria, it's encouraging that you found someone like your mentor. I think that may be a missing key for some without a close father relationship. Thanks for sharing.
My father was gone a lot as I recall growing up. Later, from high school on, he seemed distant, not affectionate or demonstrative. He lost his father at age 7 – murdered; his mother never remarried; so, he never had a father at home after that. Ironically, his mother became my role model. It all caused some interesting perceptions of God and his love. I never understood the concept of grace until 10 years or so ago.
Thanks Susan. I have heard many stories, including my own, where mothers are the role model.
My perceptions of my earthly father did help me with how I saw God in that all of my father’s shortcomings I knew God was perfect. Every promise my dad broke reminded me that God doesn’t break his promises. Every year of silence reminded me that God won’t ever leave me. When the petition for child support cessation came, I remembered that I belonged to God and he would never stop loving me, his daughter.
Thanks Stephanie. It seems you've had a very healthy reaction to your father's role and God's role in your life.
I have continually described my dad as the wisest, self-controlled, objective, just man I know. It was an adjustment for me to seek my husband's advice before going to my dad! I have beautiful memories of him making Sunday breakfast every week for us as a family while listening to hymns and wrestling/tickling the kids almost every night. I remember him singing to me before bed and putting his hand on the small of my back when I was scared. LOVE my dad.
Our relationship has changed since I've grown into an adult. We interact more as friends now because he allowed me, and encouraged me, to grow into an independent thoughtful woman at a young age. We laugh together and he now has sought my thoughts as well on occasion.
Honestly I don't think even my positive relationship with my dad has affected my perspective of the heavenly Father at all. I have always considered God completely Other and my dad a gift from the Lord. I'm neutral on this one
I would be honored to rank as high as my dad on the parent scale. I have no children yet, but I certainly do hope to model his virtues for them (and make my girls try on their clothes before they go out too)!
Great story Beth. From what you wrote, I would love to meet your dad. I wonder if you should make sure he reads your comment? Great tribute. Thank you.
Being asked about my relationship with my father is an intimidating thing to me as a Christian, being aware of God's command to honor him.
If I were seeking wisdom, I would seek my two Christian mentors.
My relationship with my father has improved in some ways. To know him as an adult and as a Christian has brought greater love, understanding, patience, and greater appreciation of his sacrifices for me.
I believe every earthly father hinders our perception of our heavenly father, as none of us love as perfectly and consistently as He, though the Holy Spirit enables us to give others a glimpse of His love if we allow Him.
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Agape-Understanding-God...
My goal is to do the best I can as a parent. I believe that was my father's goal, too.
At one point, my father and I were not on speaking terms for about a year. The Steve Green children's song lyrics, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good…" and a season of prayer prompted me one day to purchase a large package of blank index cards. I printed photos of my husband, myself, and our children from throughout that year, and used clear packing tape to tape them on one side of every index card. On the other side, I addressed them all to my father, and wrote a message on each one… that we loved him, that we missed him, hugs, kisses, and so forth. I put them all in a bag and walked several miles in the snow to the post office (could have driven but wanted to walk), put a stamp on each one, and mailed them all. I reasoned that he may throw them away, but there would be a 50/50 chance of his catching a glimpse of our love for him enroute from his mailbox to the trash can. Several weeks later, a simple note arrived from my father. There was a family gathering in a few months, he said, and he said it would be nice if I would come.
Wow, I have goose bumps reading your story. I'd love an update if you go to the family gathering and how that goes.
BTW, I raised my boys to the Steve Green children's songs. Great way to teach them Scriptures!
My relationship with my father is strained. He was rarely there for us and told me, repeatedly, that I was lazy, stupid and an idiot, also telling me at 14 he didn't want me. I worked all through high school and paid for my own clothes, books and everything else I needed. He never paid for any college, never paid for or helped with either one of my two weddings. He sold his house and bought a rent house with HER name on it & attached the only inheritance we had ($100,000 insur. policy). He's COLD with my daughter and gives her $10 for her birthday when my his wife gives her grandchildren trips & nice gifts. He tries to be funny by negative & hurtful comments. I asked him recently if he had a will and he got angry, defensive & told me it was none of my business. I was deeply hurt, once again, by my father. He now has prostate cancer but the prognosis is good. I still love my dad & call to check on him and visit with him when I go to Nashville, but I still have issues because of my dad, but I will do the right thing, no matter what he does.
Wow, thanks for your honesty and transparency Denise. Your ability to continue to love in spite of his reactions amazes me. I pray God, your Heavenly Father, in so many ways completes your heart. Thank you.
Well let me answer your 3rd question.
"Does your perception of an earthly father, based on the relationship you had with your own father, strengthen or hinder your view of your Heavenly Father?" by briefly sharing a true story.
Couple of years ago a Professor who teach Theology shared this with me.
"I wish that I never had a Father. He was so abusive. When became a born again Christian and learned that I can think of God as my heavenly father, I was not so excited. Rather I thought of God as a almighty being who tends to abuse his power. This is how the memories of my earthly father shaped my perception of God.
Thank you Yohan. I love that story.