7 Ways I Protect My Heart and Ministry From an Affair
It seems every day we hear of another big name celebrity, politician or pastor that has fallen into the temptation of lust and had an affair. I think it is dangerous for any leader to assume this could never happen to him or her. Speaking as a man, (I can’t speak as a woman), I understand that temptation is very real. When the mind begins to wander in a lustful direction, it is very hard to control. The failure, I believe, comes more in not protecting the heart and mind. I know that I must personally work to protect myself, my wife, my boys and my church from the scandal and embarrassment of an affair.
There are a few rules I have in place that serve to protect my heart:
I never meet alone with a woman besides my wife (or mother). I always take someone along to lunch meetings and I make sure others are in the office when I meet with women. Also, I never exercise with other women. (If you need explanation, then you’ve never been a guy going to a gym where girls are in workout clothes. Trust me!) I realize this is not popular in these days where men and women are searching for equality in the workplace. Honestly, some women never understand this. I had one woman tell me recently that I “think too highly of myself”, but my family is too important to me not to take this precaution.
I try not to conduct very personal or intimate conversations with women. I am careful not to compliment women on her appearance, unless I feel she needs the encouragement and her husband or my wife is in the conversation. If a woman is in tears I am careful about prolonging the conversation. When emotions are flowing, people get vulnerable. There are women on our staff and in our church equal or more capable than me to deal with these type conversations.
When talking to couples I focus my visual connection mostly on the man and not his wife. It’s not that I don’t talk to the wife, but I try to place my eyes more in the direction of the man. This is a discipline I have had to practice. Sometimes I see couples from our church in the community and I often don’t recognize the woman when she is not with her husband. This is not that I don’t care about the woman (or that I’d rather look at a man!), but this is necessary in order to protect my heart and mind from wandering. (Did you ever read 2 Samuel 11?)
I try not to stare at women. When an attractive woman catches my eye, I try to quickly bounce my attention elsewhere. Yes, I notice a pretty woman in the room…often. God made some beautiful women. I just know my heart and mind too well to allow myself to stare. Trust me…I can’t.
I spend lots of time with my wife. The best defense is a good offense. The most certain way to protect my heart is to strengthen my marriage. Cheryl and I spend most of our leisure time together.
I try to always remember my boys. My boys are two of my very best friends, and thankfully, as for right now, they still have tremendous respect for me as a dad and man. I would never want to disappoint them by being unfaithful to my wife.
I love my church. I would never want to injure the work God is doing at Grace Community Church. If I were ever tempted to sin against God in this way, I would hope my love for the church would draw me back.
Do my rules offend you? What are you doing to protect your heart?
129 responses to "7 Ways I Protect My Heart and Ministry From an Affair"
If I'm around a woman that I am very attracted to (fewer and farther in-between) and maybe there's even a vibe returned, regardless of what my flesh is telling me I know in my heart and in my head what God's word says about it. So I police my thoughts. If I allow trash into my mind. Then trash comes out of my mouth. However if I filter the trash through Christ, then I can speak from a pure heart. And a pure heart speaks forth appropriate speech and behavior. Regardless even that you might find yourself alone in the company of the very same woman your attracted to. And all else, speculation from others, accusations, etc, none of that matters cause your conscience is clear and your actions and speech are respectable. God takes care of all the rest.
Appropriate speech and behavior allows me to be in the company of women that I might otherwise avoid in fear of falling. Not only is this the nonselfish response allowing others to enjoy my company as well, but Ron this is freedom in Christ. This is the good stuff. I can't even begin to tell you how many same-sex relationships I have struggled through and have been delivered from. To boot, I find that in all of these relationships God reveals the idolatry in every single one of them. We want these things for ourselves, to have and to hold and to be comforted with and praised by and what God always shows me in the midst of these things, is how jealous He is for my affections!
Last and not least, something of a noteworthy petition. Most women are not as sexual as men. We are relational. I ask you and all men in ministry to please give us a chance. Most of the time we just want to be in the company of male leadership to be respected as an equal in thoughts and ideas. Especially Spiritual things. How can we do this if the very leaders who should be leading us avoid us because of their own weaknesses as a man? I believe this very one thing is what oppresses women and keeps women from utilitizing their full potential in Christ because there are no men promoting us. Release the power of the Holy Spirit in your women, challenge yourself to be in the company of women by holding your tongue from trash talk. Surrender your thoughts to the Lord and see what happens. I dare you. I am confident your world will change for the better!
ok. I think that's it.
God bless you. Sorry for the peace and war novel. Never short on words i suppose.
Thanks for your thoughts Teri and for nice way in which you shared them.
In my observations of men in ministry, particularly in leadership rolls, I find this topic alone to be the single most dangerous aspect of their faith and the compromises it proposes. I have had several years of counseling and therapy about my own sexuality because I have come from sodom and gomorrah and by the grace of God I am today what I am…heterosexual all the way, (but not overnight)! If there is one thing I've learned through all of it is "what you resist … persist!!!"
Now that God has healed my broken heterosexuality (continuum), I too have to protect myself from temptation. How do I do that you might ask? Well first I dont run away from the attraction. Or try to avoid, resist or even deny it ….or even put boundaries on it by excluding women out of my life. It is what it is. I would feel certain as well Jesus was attracted to women in a likewise manner! Most likely that would even include married women! But we all know being attracted to someone is without sin.
Secondly when I do find myself attracted to a woman, which from time to time I still do, I cant assume that she would be attracted to me as well. This would be nothing but arrogance. Nevertheless, this is the place where I get on my knees and ask God to help me with the attraction. Ron, it's my duty/obligation at this point to "control" these urges. How do I do that? With the tongue!
sorry teri…i mite have to disagree with ur statememt tht what resists..persists…cz in the power f christ the temptation will be broken and finished..and yes i agree in a way to it tht devil keeps putn the temptation in the sme weak area…but here comes the challenge..never leave god and be victorious…free from all temptations…
(testing, having trouble posting this in its entirety) Ron it doesn't surprise me that this was your most controversial blog. I am so proud of you that you even had the honesty and courage and vulnerability to post these things. I wish more guys in ministry would open up and start being truthful about their sexuality and that it even exist! I believe that belt of truth is this very same thing. Being truthful that it does!
testing
As a young married guy, I don't see anything in Pastor Ron's ways that are out of the "norm". These are things HE put in place for himself, not necessarily what we may think we would do, or handle. Only he knows what he can handle.
I appreciate this post, and all of the views are interesting. Thanks.
Thanks Craig, I've stayed out of this discussion basically, but I especially appreciated your comment. I love discussion and even a debate or argument at times, but I still think it can be done without attacking the person. Thanks so much.
Hi Jon,
These are important issues to raise. Probably one of the strongest objections to forming male-female friendships is this potential for a man to be drawn into these dynamics–especially when he's been formed to see women through the grid of pseudo-beauty and objectification. This long term friendship poses interesting scenarios–and not all of them end up with this sudden-trap-door-going- to-fall-into-sin ending.
This is where I suggest we need to seriously again look at Jesus–if we seek to imitate him rather than model a David/Bathsheba dynamic. You have Mary Magdalene–a devout, passionate follower of Jesus who was experieincing intense grief as John 19 & 20 reveal and Jesus meets her alone. This is where I suggest that if we want to be formed and shaped by the Gospel stories we need to take a second look at what it means to imitate Christ.
I agree.
I decided to go back and look over Ron's initial post, because I don't really remember anything in it that would be anti imitating Christ in the broadest sense of the term.
1. He never meets alone with a woman other than his wife or mother. Nothing wrong with that. Did Christ meet alone with women, yes. But I don't know of any scripture reference that would speak against that.
2. He tries not to conduct personal or intimate conversations with women. Again, not sure that doing this is not imitating Christ. Go back to point one and perhaps he could have a personal conversation if he wasn't alone. Could still minister to women who may have the need for a intimate conversation.
3. Focuses on the man. Probably one I don't agree with, but not sure as long as he isn't ignoring the wife, that there's anything wrong with it.
4. Tries not to stare… probably just a good habit. I posted earlier about working out with women at the Y and I agree with this… not sure it has anything to do with not imitating Christ. In fact I could see Christ agreeing with this one as a way to help keep yourself pure.
5. Spend time with the wife. Good. I think Christ would approve.
6. Remember the boys.. Once again, I think He would approve. We, and He, lead by example.
7. Love the church… 'nuff said
I am a single woman and just beginning in ministry. If I may speak honestly, it's really frustrating to talk to the men in our church because they are so afraid of whatever that it makes them come across as very unfriendly and unloving. I think the best thing a man can do for himself and for others is not try to avoid/deny something so elusive and so personal to the soul as sexual attraction, but rather allow God to protect the energy and exchange of interaction between the opposite sex, through surrender. If Jesus avoided women like men do today in ministry wow, I'd shutter to think what would become of us. What men have to learn simply if a woman "is" coming on to him and it's not just his "imagination" then he simply just needs to say NO thankyou! I bet if you ask a Pastor or an evangelist whose ever fallen in sexual sin what they would do differently, they would probably say that they would learn how to use the word No more effectively! On the other foot, how do women protect themselves from unwanted advances from a married men. See the hand chump.
Thanks for your comment Teri. Good thoughts and dialogue here.
Terri,
I hear you.
I know that when male pastors say things like, "I wont ride in a car with a woman alone" they really have very godo intentions. And I respect that. But they have no idea the message that sends to women. It makes women out to be either 1) too dangerous because they are about to pounce on any man who will stand still. 2) actually in danger because the male pastor doenst have his sexuality in order enough to deal with attraction. or 3) Involved in a community where just living your life and being in relationship with people of the opposite sex is cause for gossip and speculation. All 3 messages are bad news for women. There has to be a better way.
Also, something of note….Earlier in this thread we talked about an ucoming book on male-female friendship (with many applicaitons for men and women in ministry) called "Sacred Unions Sacred Passions" It is coming out this month…if you want more info, you can join a group on Facebook devoted to the book http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=28323411710...
1 Corinthians 7:1-9
I'm so glad you posted that passage.
It reminds me that the relationships of every married person happen in a much larger context than just friend-to-friend, or pastor-to-churchmember. Our spouses' voice is very important.
I have many friends who are men, but one of the ones I'm closest to has a wife who just blesses me to no end by the way she accepts me. She is not threatened by the fact that I have a close friendship with her husband – she blesses it. In a similar way, I try to bless the young women whom my husband is friends with – they are a welcomed and desired presence in our lives, even when their primary friendship is with my husband, not me.
Ron, I’m with you all the way. It takes much time to build a strong marital relationship and almost no time at all to destroy it. Constant guard and acknowledgement of our weaknesses is vital to our success. I don’t believe anyone can truly anticipate temptation to an extent that allows them to dance on the fine line. It’s built into biology as part of a grand design for nearly all animal life – the only difference for humans is that we have the principles of god and the salvation of Jesus. Just wanted to keep this short but I’m beating around the bush here… My main point is in response to a gentleman who said it was like practice for bros and sisters in heaven. Natural biological succession among humans favors only two things – reproduction and survival. We will have heavenly bodies that are very likely not evolved from thousands of years of procreation and natural selection among humans, and this burden of temptation won’t exist exist.
I think you're thinking of my post (though I'm a woman, not a man).
I really do understand that people are primed by nature to desire sex. You will get no argument from me about that. BUT, I will argue that we also have a will that can shape whatever sexual desires come up. If that were not true, you would be having sex with every woman you see on the street who seems attractive to you. Obviously, you can control it at least somewhat
I'd like to think that our spiritual nature has some say-so in our biology. We're not just totally determined animals, right?
Sometimes I think we men are… Apologies for gender confusion, I read a good bit of the reply posts, and figured I had a 50/50 shot at that one.
Thanks for a quick and polite reply! After thinking a bit on my reply I realized that many people have spiritual gifts that would enable them to stay in check during what might be considered risky situations for many others. For the rest of us, I applaud the author for this – the situations he avoids and creates are really not that risky – and that’s the point. Preemptive avoidance. Things can spiral out of control fast, and all we need is to slip in thought for seconds for that to happen. In addition, I vaguely remember someone making reference to Matt 18:8 and (probably joking) about cutting one’s member off. One great way to apply this is by cutting off or avoiding situations with a person that (I know) will cause me to be tempted. In the case of witnessing, if all one can do (to avoid temptation) is plant a spiritual seed (no pun intended) and move on, then so be it. Sharing in sin with a nonbeliever would completely blow your witness. Better to be a spiritual rock and example from 50 feet than to be easily and noticeably shaken in close quarters I say.
By the way, many thanks to everyone for posting their thoughts and comments on the original post – you have provided lots of insight, witness, and constructive thinking for me and many others who need to hear this stuff! I think this thread is far from over, and it needs to be shared!
There is a sense where I am with you – if a man knows he will be overwhelmed by temptation with a certain woman or type, then by all means, he should flee. As a woman, I would not feel safe with a man who believed he could not resist his own sexual feelings. I would be running too!
But, on the other hand, I think that if the temptation issue can be settled a little, a whole lot of other possibilities open up. Both men and women can benefit greatly from friendship wtih the opposite sex. My husband has always had a small number of women friends he is close to, and I thank God for their presence in his life. They bring gifts into his life that I can't – and gifts that I benefit from! They are a welcomed part of our community. And, I also have a number of men friends I am close to. I gain a lot from those freindships, just like I would from a close female friendship. Now, none of those relationships are so sexually charged that I think I cant control myself, and if they were, my boundaries would be different. But as it is, I do feel a whole lot of freedom to know and be known in relationships with men, in openness before my husband, without risking too much.
My wife and I also have good friends of the opposite gender, although our closest friends would be of the same gender. I think that Ron also made a good observation when he said that affairs aren't planned (paraphrase). It's more likely to be the long-term friend who you are now counseling who has a spouse who is being a jerk or sinning in some manner as to put their marriage at risk. You now potentially become a knight in shining armor; the opposite of the spouse who is causing much pain. You care and are nice and have always been nice. He or she cries and you reach out to comfort them and…
I don't think this scenario that I have painted is very far from possible. Even if nothing happens the temptation has been laid and Satan is a very patient creature. Even if nothing ever comes from that temptation you have put yourself in a position that if the person starts to see you as uncaring or a part of the problem accusations can be leveled and how can you prove that nothing happened if you were alone? While this is a specific hypothetical scenario, I'm betting that it happens a lot more than we might think.