An Important Parenting Concept: Especially for Parents of Young Children
This reality about parenting came to me recently. I’ve observed it for years, but I am just now formulating my thoughts around the concept. The reality for most of us is that we tend to try to control less when our children are younger and more when they are older. It should be the opposite.
When our children are toddlers we tend to dismiss the control issue. Sadly this appears to be epidemic in today’s generation of parenting. I hear parents often saying things like, “I can’t get them to take a nap” or “They won’t obey me”. I see this at church when parents won’t leave their toddlers in the preschool area because “they just don’t like it.” The fact is that you can make a toddler comply if you really want them to. You are stronger, bigger, scarier, and smarter than they are. You may not feel that you are, but you are. The time to control your children the way they need to go is when they are young.
Something happens when a child enters their late elementary and middle school years. Our children naturally begin to resist authority and so what do we do? We attempt to control them even more. The problem is they have more freedom in their schedules. They are stronger, bigger, scarier and smarter than they were as toddlers. They can even pretend to comply and yet do their own thing when parents are nowhere around.
The biggest problem with trying to control our children into their teenage years is that if we don’t protect our relationship with them, when they can they will completely rebel against our authority. Have you ever known that to be true of a high school or college student?
Almost as a side note, but equally important: If you don’t do anything else in your time with your children, help them to know you love them unconditionally. You don’t accomplish this by giving into their every wish when they are young, but by lovingly guiding them in the right direction through discipline and correction when they are very young. When your children are older, when they need your wisdom perhaps even more, they will continue to seek your input into their life if that love relationship has been developed. The time to have ultimate control of their behavior is when they are young.
My encouragement, especially to the parents of younger children, is to instill the values you have for your children when they are very young, while you still have control, then move to less control and more protection of their hearts through their teenage years. If you have trained them well and they know you love them, then they will continue to honor your influence over them later in life.
For more parenting tips, check out the parenting category of this blog.
8 responses to "An Important Parenting Concept: Especially for Parents of Young Children"
Cool.
I suppose got on my high horse about the “stronger, bigger, scarier” sentence in your blog, that’s all.
IMO, capitalising on the stronger, bigger and scarier wears off once the little ones become stronger, bigger and scarier themselves. Then you’re in trouble.
And I do trust the “punishment applied” mentioned in your link above does not include physical violence
Al the best,
Steve
Hi Ron,
you say “I believe you must get control early” this still sounds awful to me. Children are automatically eager to please, eager to impress, eager to make you proud. You don’t have to exert control or demand obedience. Clear rules, high praise, the rest works for itself.
It’s just your use of the words ‘contol’ and ‘obedience’ and ‘trained’ that scare me.
If you are talking about demanding your children’s obedience to unexplained rules and boundaries, using negative consequences, then I cannot agree.
If you are talking about positive relationships through clear rules and high praise, then we are probably in agreement.
As to your comment, “Children will naturally resist authority”, well I agree. I accept that a child will resist imposed, unexplained and unfair authority. However, if the child has understanding of ‘the fair rule’, and a hand in the setting of the rule, and a winning stake in the positive outcome of the rule, then you are both onto a winner.
It’s much easier and healthier to foster the love and respect than to set mysterious arbitrary rules and punishments
Obsteve, Yes, I think we are in total agreement. Please read my general model of parenting, called “grace parenting”. http://www.ronedmondson.com/2008/10/parenting-by-grace.html
I agree with everything you have written.
Thanks,
Ron
So much has to do with personality. I have three kids, 28, 25 and 21 and every single one of them is different. I never had to “control” my daughter who was also the middle child. She never had to be spanked, seldom disciplined, wise and caring. The boys had to be handled differently because they questioned everything. I believe that if children aren’t allowed to make some minor mistakes so they are taught to critical think and experience the consequences of their own decisions they struggle in that transition into adulthood. Of course, total lack of discipline never introduces the consequences…balance is the key. Sometimes we have to put our foot down. But I have seen how too much “control” leads to some very rebellious teens. Choose your battle wisely. A purple mohawk to me is something to laugh with them about, not a reason for argument, punishment or discipline. My motto as a parent is to never assume that your children know something…keep telling them everything. They are born without anything on their hard drive. We want them to download it from reliable sources.
when you say:
“you can make a toddler comply if you really want them to. You are stronger, bigger, scarier, and smarter than they are”
I am reminded of the line in Matilda:
“I’m right and you’re wrong, I’m big and you’re small, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
structure your children’s learning? yes
model good examples for them? yes
demand obedience? no.
you big bully.
Steve
I disagree with you Steve, but I love you commenting. I believe you must get control early. I am certainly not a bully…well maybe I am….
I know you don’t know me, but you should know I have 2 awesome young men who think I’m also their best friend today, so I stand on the fact that at least in my case…it worked.
Thank you, Ron!! We parents of young ones need guidance! I have recently been asking alot of questions of people who are more experienced parents that I trust about their experiences and advice. They majority are all saying what you have said here in your post. It can be really hard to be strict with the little ones because they are so cute and helpless, but we can already tell that our little Jayda is benefiting from our loving discipline. She is sleeping so much better at bedtimes and naps
As a parent of a young child, I really appreciate this post, Ron. Thanks.
This post is really what you’ve done for so many years with your own children. You say “it’s just come to me recently” but you’ve lived this philosophy with parenting, and you’ve got two sons who love you to prove it works. Thanks for the post, and for the example you’ve left.
Ben Reed’s last blog post..John Piper and Michael Jackson?